i hate being sick
taco bell gave me food poisoning from last night
fucking niggers dont know how to make a healthy taco, hire some mexicans!
so ive been sick since about 1 am and now tam and kayleigh want me to stil go over, but quite frankly, i can barely type this let alone go over to a party.
i miss andrea soo much
im glad ill see her day after tomorow
i still need to do my hw, but whatev
Monday, December 31, 2007
Saturday, December 29, 2007
1 oclock, 2 oclock, 3 oclock rock!
so yesterday pretty much made up for the preious week of not seeing anyone.
went to toms at 5:50-8:00
then went to andreas and i left at 12:40, got back at 3:45
and today i woke up at 1:15.
thats all i have to say about that.
went to toms at 5:50-8:00
then went to andreas and i left at 12:40, got back at 3:45
and today i woke up at 1:15.
thats all i have to say about that.
Friday, December 28, 2007
This break has sucked dick.
yesterday... idk what happened...
i was planning on seeing juno with a buncha friends and then elise couldnt go so i didnt have a ride and nothing worked out so i spent the night talking to gabby asking if she could drive by and drop off some pot.
GOD i was bored.
i know this sounds gay, but i've already beaten 2 of the 4 games i got, another one is 1/3 done, and the last is 2/3 done.
i miss andrea soooo much :[
im starting to get scared, i know i shouldnt be, i know they're just friends, i know that all they can do is help her, for now, but i still get scared, especially since i havent met them.
damn it andrea, do i know if you're needy? no, i dont, simply because of the fucking way i was born i dont know whats needy and whats not, i was just taught to do whatever the fuck i was told.
i lost my house key and about a bajillion other things.
i got like really really depressed yesterday for like no reason. now i just feel like not moving, or running away, one or the other.
cutting doesnt help anymore, fucking therapist.
so know i can still get really depressed and nothing can help now, i just have to wait it out and hope i dont hurt myself too much.
i can't hold memory, maybe it's the games, maybe it's the depression?
andrea's life seems to be going swimmingly, i know thisll sound rude or whatever, but it's kind of annoying how even when she's grounded and sick there's allways someone for her to talk to, atleast, there's one when she needs it.
i feel like i'm losing all of my really close friends and i dont know why, i dont really have anyone who at any point in time i can go over to their house and chill or just talk to. I feel like everyone i once had is slipping away, and that sounds emo.
I hate breaks, i know i hate school too, but atleast at schoool i can see people and be around people.
i don't think i've lost my poetry, i think it's still there, ive just been puting it off because usually when i write i end up cutting or going out and getting high or crying for a really long time, and i dont know why this is.
andrea said she's trying not to lie as much, because she realised that she's lying too much. I know i've been lying too much, but now it's just a habit, just keep my head down and keep lying.
why won't anyone kill me if i told them to? don't they see it would make me happy? even in death it cant be as bad as this place.
i hasvent hung out with anyone since berger's party and that needs to change
anyone want to die with me? nat and i are starting a suicide club.
i feel so... so empty, i feel like i have nothing, maybe it's because i havent been near people that actually love me and care about me in a week.
I need someone, anyone, to hang out with.
i feel like nothing, just, nothing.
i want to lose control, get drunk or whatever, but i dont want to be in control anymore, the controlling doesnt help me, it only hurts.
when your words have lost their way,
And when everyone seems so gay,
Just remember, that fateful day,
Of when your life slipped away,
Just remember the moment of tears,
Of loneliness and jeers,
Rise above the silent cheers,
And give in to all your fears,
Let the the darkness consume you,
And let death betray you,
Let the pain of life tear you,
Let the mourning star prepare you,
For the cold, sickening place,
That you want to leave without a trace,
Let Death's trump card ace,
Poison you with bittersweet taste.
Don't fear me, love,
Fear what I've become,
Fear when all is said and done,
I won't be here for you,
Don't fear me, love,
For my love cannot show,
It lies buried, never to grow,
It won't be there for you,
Don't fear me, love,
Loneliness isn't a game,
It plants seeds of pain and shame,
It Ruins me for you,
Don't fear me, love,
The pain is too great,
For when we can't escape our fate,
It kills me before you,
Don't fear me, love,
Fear the reaper,
Fear the soul keeper,
It will come for you,
Don't fear me, love,
Fear what will be,
Fear the vast, empty sea,
That, in death, awaits you,
Don't fear me love,
But hold on tight,
We'll battle through this gruesome fight,
And I'll be there for you.
The sky of gold,
The sea of green,
The dividing line,
In between,
The sun of red,
The flash of green,
The spots on the black screen,
The loss of land,
The gain of sea,
The waves that barrel over,
The rolling ship,
The roll and dip,
The order to take cover,
The belch of clouds,
The soaking rain,
The loss of engine power,
The rush of fear,
The loss of sense,
The not so silent shower,
The spinning water,
The giant bowl,
The splitting of our wood,
The jolt awake,
The sense at stake,
The thought that it could,
The sweaty bed,
The lights turned off,
The sailor went back to sleep.
i was planning on seeing juno with a buncha friends and then elise couldnt go so i didnt have a ride and nothing worked out so i spent the night talking to gabby asking if she could drive by and drop off some pot.
GOD i was bored.
i know this sounds gay, but i've already beaten 2 of the 4 games i got, another one is 1/3 done, and the last is 2/3 done.
i miss andrea soooo much :[
im starting to get scared, i know i shouldnt be, i know they're just friends, i know that all they can do is help her, for now, but i still get scared, especially since i havent met them.
damn it andrea, do i know if you're needy? no, i dont, simply because of the fucking way i was born i dont know whats needy and whats not, i was just taught to do whatever the fuck i was told.
i lost my house key and about a bajillion other things.
i got like really really depressed yesterday for like no reason. now i just feel like not moving, or running away, one or the other.
cutting doesnt help anymore, fucking therapist.
so know i can still get really depressed and nothing can help now, i just have to wait it out and hope i dont hurt myself too much.
i can't hold memory, maybe it's the games, maybe it's the depression?
andrea's life seems to be going swimmingly, i know thisll sound rude or whatever, but it's kind of annoying how even when she's grounded and sick there's allways someone for her to talk to, atleast, there's one when she needs it.
i feel like i'm losing all of my really close friends and i dont know why, i dont really have anyone who at any point in time i can go over to their house and chill or just talk to. I feel like everyone i once had is slipping away, and that sounds emo.
I hate breaks, i know i hate school too, but atleast at schoool i can see people and be around people.
i don't think i've lost my poetry, i think it's still there, ive just been puting it off because usually when i write i end up cutting or going out and getting high or crying for a really long time, and i dont know why this is.
andrea said she's trying not to lie as much, because she realised that she's lying too much. I know i've been lying too much, but now it's just a habit, just keep my head down and keep lying.
why won't anyone kill me if i told them to? don't they see it would make me happy? even in death it cant be as bad as this place.
i hasvent hung out with anyone since berger's party and that needs to change
anyone want to die with me? nat and i are starting a suicide club.
i feel so... so empty, i feel like i have nothing, maybe it's because i havent been near people that actually love me and care about me in a week.
I need someone, anyone, to hang out with.
i feel like nothing, just, nothing.
i want to lose control, get drunk or whatever, but i dont want to be in control anymore, the controlling doesnt help me, it only hurts.
when your words have lost their way,
And when everyone seems so gay,
Just remember, that fateful day,
Of when your life slipped away,
Just remember the moment of tears,
Of loneliness and jeers,
Rise above the silent cheers,
And give in to all your fears,
Let the the darkness consume you,
And let death betray you,
Let the pain of life tear you,
Let the mourning star prepare you,
For the cold, sickening place,
That you want to leave without a trace,
Let Death's trump card ace,
Poison you with bittersweet taste.
Don't fear me, love,
Fear what I've become,
Fear when all is said and done,
I won't be here for you,
Don't fear me, love,
For my love cannot show,
It lies buried, never to grow,
It won't be there for you,
Don't fear me, love,
Loneliness isn't a game,
It plants seeds of pain and shame,
It Ruins me for you,
Don't fear me, love,
The pain is too great,
For when we can't escape our fate,
It kills me before you,
Don't fear me, love,
Fear the reaper,
Fear the soul keeper,
It will come for you,
Don't fear me, love,
Fear what will be,
Fear the vast, empty sea,
That, in death, awaits you,
Don't fear me love,
But hold on tight,
We'll battle through this gruesome fight,
And I'll be there for you.
The sky of gold,
The sea of green,
The dividing line,
In between,
The sun of red,
The flash of green,
The spots on the black screen,
The loss of land,
The gain of sea,
The waves that barrel over,
The rolling ship,
The roll and dip,
The order to take cover,
The belch of clouds,
The soaking rain,
The loss of engine power,
The rush of fear,
The loss of sense,
The not so silent shower,
The spinning water,
The giant bowl,
The splitting of our wood,
The jolt awake,
The sense at stake,
The thought that it could,
The sweaty bed,
The lights turned off,
The sailor went back to sleep.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
tell me the reality is better than the dream
wellllll...
it's hard to start because i dont know.
i'm still not sleeping well, but i am sleeping better now.
i have about 100$ from xmas gifts, probably gonna blow 30$ on an insence burner and some incense, 40$ im saving fer something special, 20$ for movie stuff over the rest of break, like goin over to elises tomorow and seeing juno (you should come!), and that leaves me with atleast 10$ for anything else... hopefully gabby can hook me up with something for that cheep.
i got a camera, i checked the price online, less than 90$, go figure.
santa got me m&m's, don't i feel special?
xmas depresses me, it just opens my eyes even more to seeing how unaware my family is of my likes, dislikes, and needs.
my mom, being the selfish person she is, stole my dad's gift from her parents, and got everything on her list.
i got 4 used, on sale video games from my siblings, tak 2, silent scope complete, halo 2, and lotr:tta, all of which besides halo are grade b- or lower and even older than they look.
my gramma on my moms side is becoming even more of a worry-wart, the grandpa is even more "dont touch anything" (and i get to spend a 3 day weekend with them next month, woo!)
my gramma on my dads side is even smaller, skinnier, and weaker, while my grandpa is back in a walker.
ive spent all break in long sleeves, hiding the merry xmas carved in my arm.
today alls i did was laze around, do chores and get bitched at, tmorowo im planning on goin to the rec with berger and then over to elises to go see juno, hopefully tomorow my break will start.
hopefully
i've been thinking less, which is good, i think the nyquill killed a few brain cells, which is a good thing.
i love andrea,
i miss her,
and from reading her blog... she misses me,
fucking dumbass parents need to betaught lessons.
:[
ALL I'VE GOT IS INSANE!
it's hard to start because i dont know.
i'm still not sleeping well, but i am sleeping better now.
i have about 100$ from xmas gifts, probably gonna blow 30$ on an insence burner and some incense, 40$ im saving fer something special, 20$ for movie stuff over the rest of break, like goin over to elises tomorow and seeing juno (you should come!), and that leaves me with atleast 10$ for anything else... hopefully gabby can hook me up with something for that cheep.
i got a camera, i checked the price online, less than 90$, go figure.
santa got me m&m's, don't i feel special?
xmas depresses me, it just opens my eyes even more to seeing how unaware my family is of my likes, dislikes, and needs.
my mom, being the selfish person she is, stole my dad's gift from her parents, and got everything on her list.
i got 4 used, on sale video games from my siblings, tak 2, silent scope complete, halo 2, and lotr:tta, all of which besides halo are grade b- or lower and even older than they look.
my gramma on my moms side is becoming even more of a worry-wart, the grandpa is even more "dont touch anything" (and i get to spend a 3 day weekend with them next month, woo!)
my gramma on my dads side is even smaller, skinnier, and weaker, while my grandpa is back in a walker.
ive spent all break in long sleeves, hiding the merry xmas carved in my arm.
today alls i did was laze around, do chores and get bitched at, tmorowo im planning on goin to the rec with berger and then over to elises to go see juno, hopefully tomorow my break will start.
hopefully
i've been thinking less, which is good, i think the nyquill killed a few brain cells, which is a good thing.
i love andrea,
i miss her,
and from reading her blog... she misses me,
fucking dumbass parents need to betaught lessons.
:[
ALL I'VE GOT IS INSANE!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
no matter how much we cry, our lives still slip by
seriously, what the fuck.
i can sleep for 12 hours and get up feeling more tired than i was when i went to bed.
ive had a headache for three days now because i've been thinking too much.
2 nights ago i actually got a nosebleed because i couldn't stop bleeding.
my dreams are so fucked up, i think they're real soo much that when i wake up im still not sure if im sleeping.
i need to go get stoned.
i need andrea, and she needs me.
i have "merry xmas" carved in to my arm.
even cutting won't get me to stop thinking
I NEED TO FUCKING STOP THINKINKING
goddamnit
i wish i wasn't so thinky
i want to stop thinking
i need to stop thinking
it's killing me
i'm killing me
oh wait, im already dead.
i can sleep for 12 hours and get up feeling more tired than i was when i went to bed.
ive had a headache for three days now because i've been thinking too much.
2 nights ago i actually got a nosebleed because i couldn't stop bleeding.
my dreams are so fucked up, i think they're real soo much that when i wake up im still not sure if im sleeping.
i need to go get stoned.
i need andrea, and she needs me.
i have "merry xmas" carved in to my arm.
even cutting won't get me to stop thinking
I NEED TO FUCKING STOP THINKINKING
goddamnit
i wish i wasn't so thinky
i want to stop thinking
i need to stop thinking
it's killing me
i'm killing me
oh wait, im already dead.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
suicideal tendanciess get us nowhere, hun
bergers paty= amazing fun and fun and fun
but not even b4 we pulled out of the driveway id allready gotten in a fight with my dad.
today i got up at 11 and couldnt stop thinking about andrea and then i read her blog post and i got all worried and shit and i seriously could not stop crying, which i guess is a good thing because i havent cried like that in a while.
i want to cut, i want to die.
i made dinner, got a haircut, it doesnt look too bad, i cleaned up dinner, i got verbally raped by my dad fro having a B in first hour and a C+ in 5th hour, then i went and saw 'lars and the real girl' which is a really good movie and i look foreward to watching it while stoned.
this is my life.
up=bergers
down=before we even pulled out of the driveway
even lower= reading about andrea and not being able to talk to her our hang out with her the rest of break
even lower still= andrea might be switching schools
still lower= getting yelled at for not "reaching my full potential"
I've been noticing a trend lately.
and it hurts, alot.
people yell at me and while they're yelling, they compliment me and then come crashing down with a "well thats too bad..." or a "i think it's wasted..." or etc.
my dad for the first time in my life complimented me to my face and not through someone else, then he proceeded to yell at me because imm not learning anything in haverkate's class.
but not even b4 we pulled out of the driveway id allready gotten in a fight with my dad.
today i got up at 11 and couldnt stop thinking about andrea and then i read her blog post and i got all worried and shit and i seriously could not stop crying, which i guess is a good thing because i havent cried like that in a while.
i want to cut, i want to die.
i made dinner, got a haircut, it doesnt look too bad, i cleaned up dinner, i got verbally raped by my dad fro having a B in first hour and a C+ in 5th hour, then i went and saw 'lars and the real girl' which is a really good movie and i look foreward to watching it while stoned.
this is my life.
up=bergers
down=before we even pulled out of the driveway
even lower= reading about andrea and not being able to talk to her our hang out with her the rest of break
even lower still= andrea might be switching schools
still lower= getting yelled at for not "reaching my full potential"
I've been noticing a trend lately.
and it hurts, alot.
people yell at me and while they're yelling, they compliment me and then come crashing down with a "well thats too bad..." or a "i think it's wasted..." or etc.
my dad for the first time in my life complimented me to my face and not through someone else, then he proceeded to yell at me because imm not learning anything in haverkate's class.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
woot 100th post!
ok
so
it's 7:30 and ive been up for....13.5 hours
i've been working..... 8 of those hours
I've been at church..... 9 of those hours
i could've went over to andrea's house but my mom wouldnt let me
im hoping we dont have school tomorow
we better damn well shouldnt
so
it's 7:30 and ive been up for....13.5 hours
i've been working..... 8 of those hours
I've been at church..... 9 of those hours
i could've went over to andrea's house but my mom wouldnt let me
im hoping we dont have school tomorow
we better damn well shouldnt
Saturday, December 15, 2007
beh....?
beh im bored of playing civilization 3 so I'm gonna post.
WELL, since my spelling was atrocious in the last blog post, I guess I'll try to improve upon my spelling for these next few posts (and maybe I'll even try complete sentences!).
FRIDAY:
1st hour: apparently I'm "An Insensitive Ass-hole" which according to Sahana, Allison, and Jessica is "a real shame because you're (I am) kind of hot." Allison: No, I'm not OK, I'm fucked up, some of us have to lie to ourselves just to not go on a self hate spree that they fucking triggered anyways. Thanks, girls, you're the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
2nd Hour: suicidal thoughts, depression, no talking, I forget what we did.
3rd Hour: More suicidal thoughts, very little talking, no contribution to class, confused Allison a few times, felt like running away. (Oh, I thought of if I ever feel like blowing my own brains out and i actualy have a gun to do it with, I'm going to do it in that class, just because... IDK why, just because.)
Lunch: Bought pizza,fries, spent 1/3 of the money i was supposed to spend on my brother's/sister's xmas present.
4th Hour: double notes, no time to talk, no time to be depressed.
5th Hour: Notes, notes, notes, and flying rubber bands.
6thHour: Finished painting the silver, only thing left to do is drip effect it.
Came home: Got bitched at until parents left, they stayed out, I stayed in and played Civ3
Today: got up at 9, found out what time party started, took shower, went to morgan's arcadia, played a bunch of video games and 2 rounds of laser tag (I now hold the highest score in the place with 4625 pts) came home, put lights up on tree, now I'm here, wondering if Andrea's gonna read this by tomorrow, cuz if she is... idk, she should call me if she does.
WELL, since my spelling was atrocious in the last blog post, I guess I'll try to improve upon my spelling for these next few posts (and maybe I'll even try complete sentences!).
FRIDAY:
1st hour: apparently I'm "An Insensitive Ass-hole" which according to Sahana, Allison, and Jessica is "a real shame because you're (I am) kind of hot." Allison: No, I'm not OK, I'm fucked up, some of us have to lie to ourselves just to not go on a self hate spree that they fucking triggered anyways. Thanks, girls, you're the best friends anyone could ever ask for.
2nd Hour: suicidal thoughts, depression, no talking, I forget what we did.
3rd Hour: More suicidal thoughts, very little talking, no contribution to class, confused Allison a few times, felt like running away. (Oh, I thought of if I ever feel like blowing my own brains out and i actualy have a gun to do it with, I'm going to do it in that class, just because... IDK why, just because.)
Lunch: Bought pizza,fries, spent 1/3 of the money i was supposed to spend on my brother's/sister's xmas present.
4th Hour: double notes, no time to talk, no time to be depressed.
5th Hour: Notes, notes, notes, and flying rubber bands.
6thHour: Finished painting the silver, only thing left to do is drip effect it.
Came home: Got bitched at until parents left, they stayed out, I stayed in and played Civ3
Today: got up at 9, found out what time party started, took shower, went to morgan's arcadia, played a bunch of video games and 2 rounds of laser tag (I now hold the highest score in the place with 4625 pts) came home, put lights up on tree, now I'm here, wondering if Andrea's gonna read this by tomorrow, cuz if she is... idk, she should call me if she does.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
my day
Dear santa,
By now, i'll bet you're sickand tired of all of the boys and girls in the world telling you just how good a kid they are. Well I say Fuck them! If they want to spend their xmas sitting underneath a christmas tree pretending to be happy, that's fine by me.
I on the otherhand wish to invite you to my smashing xmas party in dearborn. There will be mosh pit after moshbit and hooker after hooker at this place, Just bring a tickle me elmo because ELO'S GOT THE BITCH LINED UP.
There amy be some *Questionable content* at this party so we'd like you to sign the attached document releasing us of your blood -er releasing the restraining order -uhh... wasxhing your blood off of our hands.
Sincerely,
The Easter Bunny
lol, off the top of my head
1-6th hours:
beh
henrys house:
Still Buzzed :]
By now, i'll bet you're sickand tired of all of the boys and girls in the world telling you just how good a kid they are. Well I say Fuck them! If they want to spend their xmas sitting underneath a christmas tree pretending to be happy, that's fine by me.
I on the otherhand wish to invite you to my smashing xmas party in dearborn. There will be mosh pit after moshbit and hooker after hooker at this place, Just bring a tickle me elmo because ELO'S GOT THE BITCH LINED UP.
There amy be some *Questionable content* at this party so we'd like you to sign the attached document releasing us of your blood -er releasing the restraining order -uhh... wasxhing your blood off of our hands.
Sincerely,
The Easter Bunny
lol, off the top of my head
1-6th hours:
beh
henrys house:
Still Buzzed :]
Friday, December 7, 2007
Possibly one of the worst days of my life
wake up late, rush through morning ritual, get to school, figure out andrea's not there, ge sad cuz u were looking foreward to holding her today. Run an errand for the teacher, fail at it, get more right on the quiz than you would have if youd studied. find out u have a B+ in the class. get hw.
go to second hour, listen to presentations/do math hw form yesterday. do ur presentation on 2 minutes of planning and get an unknown grade for it. think about death.
go to third hour. get worried for allison, help her out, talk her in to happiness, "watch" to kill a mockingbird. pass notes, fool around, etc.
go to lunch, buy lunch, do nothing.
go to 4th hour, take notes, get frustrated when the idiot next to you asks you for every single answere and you're such an idiot you give them to her even though she's going to call you an idiot tomorow.
Go to 5th hour, have no clue what they're talking about, get 80% on the hw, take notes, get a shitload of hw.
go to 6th hour, cheat on test, do very lttle work on piece, end school day.
go to berger's house, chill, play on drums, play xbox live, enter whats his name, be awkward for 1/2 and hour, be cool, chill again.
go home (5:30) get into 2 fights w/mom in the 10 minute drive home, stop by andrea's house, no one home, sorry for wanting to look in on you and see if you were ok? come home, eat dinner, go to church, come home here i am.
weekend plans: tomorow: go buy tree, rearrange furniture, hw, anyone call me to hang out
sunday: 11 am mass, then the rest of the day is taken up with religious shit my mom's forcing me to go to.
go figure. this weekend will be shitty, last weekend was shitty, and the weekend before that was shitty, hmmm... im begining to notice a pattern, and my family wonders why i hate the holidays...
i havent seen andrea outside of school in the daytime in: 27 days
I havent hung out with anyone besides berger in: 27 days
go to second hour, listen to presentations/do math hw form yesterday. do ur presentation on 2 minutes of planning and get an unknown grade for it. think about death.
go to third hour. get worried for allison, help her out, talk her in to happiness, "watch" to kill a mockingbird. pass notes, fool around, etc.
go to lunch, buy lunch, do nothing.
go to 4th hour, take notes, get frustrated when the idiot next to you asks you for every single answere and you're such an idiot you give them to her even though she's going to call you an idiot tomorow.
Go to 5th hour, have no clue what they're talking about, get 80% on the hw, take notes, get a shitload of hw.
go to 6th hour, cheat on test, do very lttle work on piece, end school day.
go to berger's house, chill, play on drums, play xbox live, enter whats his name, be awkward for 1/2 and hour, be cool, chill again.
go home (5:30) get into 2 fights w/mom in the 10 minute drive home, stop by andrea's house, no one home, sorry for wanting to look in on you and see if you were ok? come home, eat dinner, go to church, come home here i am.
weekend plans: tomorow: go buy tree, rearrange furniture, hw, anyone call me to hang out
sunday: 11 am mass, then the rest of the day is taken up with religious shit my mom's forcing me to go to.
go figure. this weekend will be shitty, last weekend was shitty, and the weekend before that was shitty, hmmm... im begining to notice a pattern, and my family wonders why i hate the holidays...
i havent seen andrea outside of school in the daytime in: 27 days
I havent hung out with anyone besides berger in: 27 days
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Use it, take it with you
I definantly just got possibly the most hilarious talk from my dad
the "Use a rubber, take it with you" talk
god that was funny
i was like:
"uhh... I already knew that...."
dad: *looks at me suspiciously*
me: "Ima go eat now"
other than that, a pretty uneventful day,
1st: made a slightly disturbing script
2nd: did nothing rly, drug search busted someone whos locker is right next to our classroom in C hall
3rd: listened to speaches
4th: took notes
5th: went over hw, took notes
6th: continued painting!
got home, went on comp
the "Use a rubber, take it with you" talk
god that was funny
i was like:
"uhh... I already knew that...."
dad: *looks at me suspiciously*
me: "Ima go eat now"
other than that, a pretty uneventful day,
1st: made a slightly disturbing script
2nd: did nothing rly, drug search busted someone whos locker is right next to our classroom in C hall
3rd: listened to speaches
4th: took notes
5th: went over hw, took notes
6th: continued painting!
got home, went on comp
Monday, December 3, 2007
the weekend bleeds of misery and sleepless nights
wow, that was a rather poetic title...
ok so obv. i was feeling a bit suicidal friday, idk why. i got over it anyways.
friday night went to camp with the boyscouts, but not after completely rearanging the place where we keep all of our stuff. went to the camp, got there 30 mins early, moved cots/beds (had to fit 74 people in to a 65 person cabin). everyone else arrived, set up camp/cots. ended up getting a cot next to guy who snores loudest in out troop (bear). got like 3 hours of sleep due to constantly taling younger scouts, 3 people yelled at them but they still wouldnt shut up.
saturday (spent all day trying to keep the new kids under control) i got up at 7, went to breakfast, heater was broken, wore coats while eating, assembled catapuklt that consumed all of last week, got it mostly assembled. went to lunch, served lunch, ate last, heater still broken. Went back to finish up on catapult, catapult didnt fire forwards, it fired backwards, spent 2 hours fixing that problem, finally fixed it, it fires about 70 ft. catapult broke, spent an hour fixing that, finished. went in the cabin, took a 30 minute nap, went to mass at the broken heater building, served dinner, ate last, cleaned up the entire fucking place and organized the younger boys in the kitchen, kept having to supervize them cuz they kept cutting corners that couldnt be cut (i think its pretty simple to sweep dirt in to a dustpan, agreed?). took 2 hours to clean, its 900 now, watched click (adam sandler), walked back at 11:30 about 1 mile in the woods with snow on the ground going down steps without a flashlight (=spass!). got about 4 hours of sleep due to younger boy problems again, and three dads in our wing snoring in a trio.
sunday: got up at 7, packed up stuff, ate breakfast, put stuff in to cars, watched as others swept, the mopped the whole cabing by myself (no joke) while everyone else was outside having a snowball fight. by the time i was done and everything was organized, we only had 20 minutes until we left so i didnt partake in possibly the only snowball fight of the year. didnt talk at all on ride home, stared out window unfocused. got back to st.mikes, unloaded trailer, reorganized room (again) put everything away, mom drove by and then parked in the FUCKING FARTHEST PARKING SPOT AVAILABLE so it took 20 mins to find her, had her drive up so i could move my stuff in to her car, drove off. got home, andrea wasnt, she was at a movie, which i really wouldve liked to go to, but i wasnt home yet. spent all day half awake on the sofa thinking about how shitty the weekend was.
today:
1st hour: review game (woot! 10 extra credit points!)
2nd hour: spent whole time talking to gabby about how i havent done anything involving drugs in a while
3rd hour: phased out whole time, came up with a tee shirt idea, dropped little pieces of paper on allison's head whole time whenever kaiser lloked away (xD)
4th hour: HYPER!! spent time filling out a wksheet and jumping between groups, talking with josh about teri, let everyone copy my work and let josh copy my math hw
5th hour: finished with test 30 mins early, did 3rd hour hw and did 1/3 of late biology hw
6th hour: wait wait wait.... we actually did work in this class <:[ we have a test on the "7 and 7" the basic artistic techniques thursday and today was the first day he's introduced this to us. I was like "wtf?!?!?! i wanted to start painting today!"
thank you sooooo much nat, i dont know what moood id bee in today if you hadnt talked to me yesterday, btw, it wasnt random because i was thinking that the only reason my brother isnt getting yelled at constantly now like he was b4 is cuz my parents have given up on him.
and now ive been home for a while, hoping someone will call wanting to hang out since im now officially ungrounded
Heroes is on tonight!
ok so obv. i was feeling a bit suicidal friday, idk why. i got over it anyways.
friday night went to camp with the boyscouts, but not after completely rearanging the place where we keep all of our stuff. went to the camp, got there 30 mins early, moved cots/beds (had to fit 74 people in to a 65 person cabin). everyone else arrived, set up camp/cots. ended up getting a cot next to guy who snores loudest in out troop (bear). got like 3 hours of sleep due to constantly taling younger scouts, 3 people yelled at them but they still wouldnt shut up.
saturday (spent all day trying to keep the new kids under control) i got up at 7, went to breakfast, heater was broken, wore coats while eating, assembled catapuklt that consumed all of last week, got it mostly assembled. went to lunch, served lunch, ate last, heater still broken. Went back to finish up on catapult, catapult didnt fire forwards, it fired backwards, spent 2 hours fixing that problem, finally fixed it, it fires about 70 ft. catapult broke, spent an hour fixing that, finished. went in the cabin, took a 30 minute nap, went to mass at the broken heater building, served dinner, ate last, cleaned up the entire fucking place and organized the younger boys in the kitchen, kept having to supervize them cuz they kept cutting corners that couldnt be cut (i think its pretty simple to sweep dirt in to a dustpan, agreed?). took 2 hours to clean, its 900 now, watched click (adam sandler), walked back at 11:30 about 1 mile in the woods with snow on the ground going down steps without a flashlight (=spass!). got about 4 hours of sleep due to younger boy problems again, and three dads in our wing snoring in a trio.
sunday: got up at 7, packed up stuff, ate breakfast, put stuff in to cars, watched as others swept, the mopped the whole cabing by myself (no joke) while everyone else was outside having a snowball fight. by the time i was done and everything was organized, we only had 20 minutes until we left so i didnt partake in possibly the only snowball fight of the year. didnt talk at all on ride home, stared out window unfocused. got back to st.mikes, unloaded trailer, reorganized room (again) put everything away, mom drove by and then parked in the FUCKING FARTHEST PARKING SPOT AVAILABLE so it took 20 mins to find her, had her drive up so i could move my stuff in to her car, drove off. got home, andrea wasnt, she was at a movie, which i really wouldve liked to go to, but i wasnt home yet. spent all day half awake on the sofa thinking about how shitty the weekend was.
today:
1st hour: review game (woot! 10 extra credit points!)
2nd hour: spent whole time talking to gabby about how i havent done anything involving drugs in a while
3rd hour: phased out whole time, came up with a tee shirt idea, dropped little pieces of paper on allison's head whole time whenever kaiser lloked away (xD)
4th hour: HYPER!! spent time filling out a wksheet and jumping between groups, talking with josh about teri, let everyone copy my work and let josh copy my math hw
5th hour: finished with test 30 mins early, did 3rd hour hw and did 1/3 of late biology hw
6th hour: wait wait wait.... we actually did work in this class <:[ we have a test on the "7 and 7" the basic artistic techniques thursday and today was the first day he's introduced this to us. I was like "wtf?!?!?! i wanted to start painting today!"
thank you sooooo much nat, i dont know what moood id bee in today if you hadnt talked to me yesterday, btw, it wasnt random because i was thinking that the only reason my brother isnt getting yelled at constantly now like he was b4 is cuz my parents have given up on him.
and now ive been home for a while, hoping someone will call wanting to hang out since im now officially ungrounded
Heroes is on tonight!
Friday, November 30, 2007
I dont know... who i am anymore
i dont know...
i feel like i havent been myself lately, like ive been more of an asshole and i havent been making people as happy as normal. i feel... numb, like usual. but i dont feel like me. i cant even promise andrea i won't cut this weekend. I just... dropped in IQ or something cuz everything's confusing me now...
why do i care? idk why... why do i try? is it because im scared? scared of falling? scared of failing? scared of losing... my mind is a social phobia in it of itself.
CARL YOUR SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT DONT GO DOWN THAT PATH
repated in my head over and over.
do those words mean anything to me?
no
CARL DONT THREATEN TO KILL YOURSELF
heard in my head sounds likes "just do it allready"
CARL DONT CUT
"carl, we care about you, not that you'll ever believe that"
do i have more than one personality? probably.
they know of each other, they agree to certain things, but they are almost completely different.
the asshole me that gets me into this situation and the me that reacts when things come crashing down like usual.
the me that knows what to do, and the me that acts.
suicide isnt the answer,
but it's part of the equation
i feel like i havent been myself lately, like ive been more of an asshole and i havent been making people as happy as normal. i feel... numb, like usual. but i dont feel like me. i cant even promise andrea i won't cut this weekend. I just... dropped in IQ or something cuz everything's confusing me now...
why do i care? idk why... why do i try? is it because im scared? scared of falling? scared of failing? scared of losing... my mind is a social phobia in it of itself.
CARL YOUR SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT DONT GO DOWN THAT PATH
repated in my head over and over.
do those words mean anything to me?
no
CARL DONT THREATEN TO KILL YOURSELF
heard in my head sounds likes "just do it allready"
CARL DONT CUT
"carl, we care about you, not that you'll ever believe that"
do i have more than one personality? probably.
they know of each other, they agree to certain things, but they are almost completely different.
the asshole me that gets me into this situation and the me that reacts when things come crashing down like usual.
the me that knows what to do, and the me that acts.
suicide isnt the answer,
but it's part of the equation
Sunday, November 25, 2007
what the hell
well
let me describe my weekend so far.
thursday: went to kalamazoo, got bitched at silently throughout the whole day, never slept.
friday: built the frame of a catapult, got sand/sawdust/raw metal in my eyes
satruday: see friday, got 7 hours of sleep, andrea... why are we allways arguing in my eyes?
today: did homework, went to church, see friday
my dad is slightly drunk right now, my moms being a bitch as allways, my aunt was kicked out of her house, my brothers girlfriends grandma died, my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled, gabbys gramma died, andrea got ungrounded, im going insane.
what the hell do i want for xmas?
who gives a shit?
not like id get anything anyways.
i dont even know if ill be alive then.
if life keeps going the way it has been, i wont be.
i want to go out, get high, get drunk as hell, puke my guts out and blow my head off.
or maybe just that last part.
let me describe my weekend so far.
thursday: went to kalamazoo, got bitched at silently throughout the whole day, never slept.
friday: built the frame of a catapult, got sand/sawdust/raw metal in my eyes
satruday: see friday, got 7 hours of sleep, andrea... why are we allways arguing in my eyes?
today: did homework, went to church, see friday
my dad is slightly drunk right now, my moms being a bitch as allways, my aunt was kicked out of her house, my brothers girlfriends grandma died, my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled, gabbys gramma died, andrea got ungrounded, im going insane.
what the hell do i want for xmas?
who gives a shit?
not like id get anything anyways.
i dont even know if ill be alive then.
if life keeps going the way it has been, i wont be.
i want to go out, get high, get drunk as hell, puke my guts out and blow my head off.
or maybe just that last part.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
what the fuck?
im not sure what to take this as
Nicole: "you know carl, you'd make for a very pretty girl"
wtf?!?!?
anyone wanna help me with that?
oh and my parents are being their usual asshole selfs
Nicole: "you know carl, you'd make for a very pretty girl"
wtf?!?!?
anyone wanna help me with that?
oh and my parents are being their usual asshole selfs
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
dont worry, ill worry for you
Want to find out if my arm still bleeds?
andrea.
please, please take those pictures off of your myspace.
seriously, thats one of those 'stupid' things to do with your myspace.
and really, it makes me feel worthless. i had to work to get to even get in your pants, and now ur taking them and your shirt off for random starngers? what the hell? thanks, makes me feel valuable and worth something.
i just hope you dont get in trouble for those... or maybe i do hope u get in trouble to learn your lesson? i dont know. i know this sounds shallow, but seriously this scares me shitless, i feel like i dont know you anymore, like you arent mine anymore. i dont know.
Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
But they may fade,
If you keep on dancing this charade,
And letting that imposter in your skin
andrea.
please, please take those pictures off of your myspace.
seriously, thats one of those 'stupid' things to do with your myspace.
and really, it makes me feel worthless. i had to work to get to even get in your pants, and now ur taking them and your shirt off for random starngers? what the hell? thanks, makes me feel valuable and worth something.
i just hope you dont get in trouble for those... or maybe i do hope u get in trouble to learn your lesson? i dont know. i know this sounds shallow, but seriously this scares me shitless, i feel like i dont know you anymore, like you arent mine anymore. i dont know.
Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
But they may fade,
If you keep on dancing this charade,
And letting that imposter in your skin
Saturday, November 17, 2007
a few things
ok so im grounded till the end of the month, but i can still use the phone and the comp.
my cell is off cuz im out of minutes.
im learning the guitar w/o having one, its actually quite easy.
i cut monday night and tuesday night.
my moms told me she wants to kill me.
i want to kiss andrea and hold her so much, i havent seen her outside of school in a week.
i dont think ill make it through the month.
i miss percussion and band... i was definantly jamming out in the kitchen the other day.
if i dont get out of the house... idk what im going to do.
my cell is off cuz im out of minutes.
im learning the guitar w/o having one, its actually quite easy.
i cut monday night and tuesday night.
my moms told me she wants to kill me.
i want to kiss andrea and hold her so much, i havent seen her outside of school in a week.
i dont think ill make it through the month.
i miss percussion and band... i was definantly jamming out in the kitchen the other day.
if i dont get out of the house... idk what im going to do.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
and its been a while since i could, hold my head up high
god damn it
i hate andreas mom, i now regret everythign ive ever said to her in a good voice.
andrea, gabby, and tom came over, we got busy in dif rooms, andreas mom called, andreas mom called my house # to talk to my mom, gabby acted as my mom unconvincingly, andreas grounded, and im fucked if andreas mom calls my mom.
i hate andreas mom, i now regret everythign ive ever said to her in a good voice.
andrea, gabby, and tom came over, we got busy in dif rooms, andreas mom called, andreas mom called my house # to talk to my mom, gabby acted as my mom unconvincingly, andreas grounded, and im fucked if andreas mom calls my mom.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
godfuckingdamnitwhydoihavetogetsodepressedaboutanythingnowadays???
ok now i can feel myself going down
i can feel my eyes start to drop and my head start to spin in depressing circles,
i can feel myself drawn to the blades,
i can feel myself starting to want to slice me open,
i can feel myself wanting to curl into a ball,
i want you andrea, i want you to hold me, no matter how lame that sounds,
i want to hold and be held, to love and be loved, and not seeing you out of school for a week really just makes me feel... sad, sad as all fucking hell,
i want to be able to cry on someones shoulder, but i dont have time anymore,
i want to not feel this pain,
but if i need to bare it, i need someone to bare it with,
i just wish... i wish i could see andrea more, i wish i could hold her more, talk with her more, love her more, but i feel somethings holding me back.
scratch all that, thanks for calling andrea :]
i can feel my eyes start to drop and my head start to spin in depressing circles,
i can feel myself drawn to the blades,
i can feel myself starting to want to slice me open,
i can feel myself wanting to curl into a ball,
i want you andrea, i want you to hold me, no matter how lame that sounds,
i want to hold and be held, to love and be loved, and not seeing you out of school for a week really just makes me feel... sad, sad as all fucking hell,
i want to be able to cry on someones shoulder, but i dont have time anymore,
i want to not feel this pain,
but if i need to bare it, i need someone to bare it with,
i just wish... i wish i could see andrea more, i wish i could hold her more, talk with her more, love her more, but i feel somethings holding me back.
scratch all that, thanks for calling andrea :]
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
cuz ive been bored all day and i need something to say to the world
so i just thought of something while i was doing the dishes after dinner today,
why do we ever feel like we love our parents?
i means, sure they give us food, shelter, and occasionally money, but isnt that all superficial?
cummon guys, think about it, if you live to be 80, that means your parents held you down and restricted you for almost 1/4 of your life. all they do is tell you whaten, when and where to do things, most of the time they dont tell you why we do it or they give you some bullshit response. they let you fall and then say "i told you so" in some 'grown up' fashion, which is complete bullshit in itself. no one ever grows up, we just pretend to so we dont get shunned by society which is another topic that i dont feel like talking about right now. our 'grown up' parents assume just cuz theyve been alive for twice as long as we have means theyve experienced twice as much, which is also bullshit, but because of this they assume that they know more and therefore are superior to us 'children' who havent fully 'matured' enough yet to see nhow right they are about everything and no matter what they fuck they do and no matter how wrong it is, they're still 'right' until someone else who thinks they are more 'grown up' or more 'informed' tells them they're wrong or prooves they're wrong. But who cares anyways? if johny wants 1+1 to equal 3 isnt it in his own right to do so? i mean, think about it, numbers are made up, and so are the rules for them, so is everything else in our society, if someone wants to eat other people, thats perfectly withing his nature? after all, we are animals just like cows, if cows had evolved at a faster rate, we could be penned up right now, waiting in line to be slaughtered by our double hooved masters. So if timmy wants to stay out o midnight, goddamnit LET HIM, he pays for his own actions, and if he's a bit pissy in the morning? just dont talk to him, eventually he'll realize that no one likes him when hes pissy and he'll stop staying up till midnight.
So basicaly, the walls set up by our 'grown up' parents are in no way able to hold us down if we really truely dont want to be held down and if we're willing to suffer the consequences. the only way for them to hold you down until your 18 is if you go to jail, and even then, escape is allways an option, because the only thing they can do is exactly like they do at home\, just make the punishment longer, they cant make it much worse than solitary confinement, then u could just pleade insane and go to a nice padded room where everything is done for you and you dont haqve to pay taxes or shit like that.
so to be succesful, go to jail ASAP and stay there for the rest of your life, sure, no one will really remember you, but hey, no one can really hurt you either.
why do we ever feel like we love our parents?
i means, sure they give us food, shelter, and occasionally money, but isnt that all superficial?
cummon guys, think about it, if you live to be 80, that means your parents held you down and restricted you for almost 1/4 of your life. all they do is tell you whaten, when and where to do things, most of the time they dont tell you why we do it or they give you some bullshit response. they let you fall and then say "i told you so" in some 'grown up' fashion, which is complete bullshit in itself. no one ever grows up, we just pretend to so we dont get shunned by society which is another topic that i dont feel like talking about right now. our 'grown up' parents assume just cuz theyve been alive for twice as long as we have means theyve experienced twice as much, which is also bullshit, but because of this they assume that they know more and therefore are superior to us 'children' who havent fully 'matured' enough yet to see nhow right they are about everything and no matter what they fuck they do and no matter how wrong it is, they're still 'right' until someone else who thinks they are more 'grown up' or more 'informed' tells them they're wrong or prooves they're wrong. But who cares anyways? if johny wants 1+1 to equal 3 isnt it in his own right to do so? i mean, think about it, numbers are made up, and so are the rules for them, so is everything else in our society, if someone wants to eat other people, thats perfectly withing his nature? after all, we are animals just like cows, if cows had evolved at a faster rate, we could be penned up right now, waiting in line to be slaughtered by our double hooved masters. So if timmy wants to stay out o midnight, goddamnit LET HIM, he pays for his own actions, and if he's a bit pissy in the morning? just dont talk to him, eventually he'll realize that no one likes him when hes pissy and he'll stop staying up till midnight.
So basicaly, the walls set up by our 'grown up' parents are in no way able to hold us down if we really truely dont want to be held down and if we're willing to suffer the consequences. the only way for them to hold you down until your 18 is if you go to jail, and even then, escape is allways an option, because the only thing they can do is exactly like they do at home\, just make the punishment longer, they cant make it much worse than solitary confinement, then u could just pleade insane and go to a nice padded room where everything is done for you and you dont haqve to pay taxes or shit like that.
so to be succesful, go to jail ASAP and stay there for the rest of your life, sure, no one will really remember you, but hey, no one can really hurt you either.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Andrea
we need to chill tomorow, i know you probably wont read this in time, but i needed to say something.
for everyone else:
i really really want to
cut my arm open, slice it
up and let it bleed
to let the pain
lazily flow from the open
anguish filled
slice in my
torn soul that
nobody sees
into, only the shell. I
got no one to
hate and
too many to love
over to many wounds
never to heal
many to be opened again
yet the
loss of blood never
eggs on any other reaction
going out of me
for everyone else:
i really really want to
cut my arm open, slice it
up and let it bleed
to let the pain
lazily flow from the open
anguish filled
slice in my
torn soul that
nobody sees
into, only the shell. I
got no one to
hate and
too many to love
over to many wounds
never to heal
many to be opened again
yet the
loss of blood never
eggs on any other reaction
going out of me
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
i hate my dad
myt dad was walking a fence for a while but now hes ju8st a bitch like my mom
im on the computer talking with people, and he starts throwing chores at me that i allready know i have to do, then out of the blue he adds like 5 chores that ive already done and im like "dad, i allready did those" "well you did a shitty job do em again" then he goes on and on and then he adds new chores such as finiswhing winterizing the lawn even though i did that 3 weeks ago and spent 4 hours on it (he didnt do jaqck shit) and he wanted me to do another hour of work on it, and i told him no and to do it himself, so he kicked me off the computer, so now im on my bros computer.
hes a dick
im on the computer talking with people, and he starts throwing chores at me that i allready know i have to do, then out of the blue he adds like 5 chores that ive already done and im like "dad, i allready did those" "well you did a shitty job do em again" then he goes on and on and then he adds new chores such as finiswhing winterizing the lawn even though i did that 3 weeks ago and spent 4 hours on it (he didnt do jaqck shit) and he wanted me to do another hour of work on it, and i told him no and to do it himself, so he kicked me off the computer, so now im on my bros computer.
hes a dick
UGggghhhh
halloween was fun, but for some reason i got all depressed etc etc.
i went to the stevenson game last night, tam had a few meltdowns and i hope i helped, but with girls... idk why are they so hard to understand, she runs away and then tells me "everythings all right" and im like "no, somethings wrong, tell me whats wrong tam" repeat.
i talked with harpo a bunch last night and im hoping that tam and him will work things out because harpo isnt like what he was anymore, tam doesnt even know this, but harpo kinda hasnt done anything but make out with a girls since last spring and he hasnt done drugs or anything so harpo really is trying to escape his past. and tam shouldnt go back to kris, kris is a deuch bag and should die because he thinks he can toy with girls emotions.
anyways, i came home all messed up last night at 10:30 and i fell asleep but woke up at midnight cuz harp called me (how i woke up IDK) but i didnt answer it so he left me a message saying thanks etc etc. then i feel asleep again and had the most realistic dream ive ever had, i was just sitting on my bed with a nknife slowly slicing my veins open, oh and i had a 6 pack but it looked all weird cuz i had veins showing. anyways, and all of my cuts basically healed except for the ones on my elbow which was weird but they bled ALOT and then i dreamt i passed out so when i woke up i checked my arm to see if there were any cuts there, turns out there werent. thank who ever reigns over us. but seering that blood and feeling the pain just made me want to do it sooo muchhh moreeeee,
so my dad woke me up at noon, and now im missing andrea sooo much and i want to be with her right now but i still have to clean my room and i kinda want to watch the michigan game but idk if shell be able to hang out tomrow OR today because shes all grounded because of the whole schoool calling her 3 weeks after she skipped school and now her mom knows etc etc. but i really want to hang out with her cuz i need someone to talk to and hold, i physically need someone to hold right now and my cats hate me so they cant fill in lolz.
and so one more weird thought. im thinking about making a mixtape about tam, idk why but when we were talking last night i just had all of these songs flash through my head... bloody valentine, loves a loaded gun, the breakup song, almost easy, I wont see you tonight (parts 1 and 2), hate me, diary of jane, sugar were goin down, scars, hate (really really really dont like you), crushcrushcrush, tell me baby, here comes the pain, Liar (it takes one to know one), and i think thats it.. wow 16 songs...
oh yeah, next week friday is stevenson vs fanklin, EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO THIS we'll have a blast and itll be an amazing game, we can hang out and everything. itll be like a macat reunion.
wow this is a long blogpost, oh well.
i love you andrea
i went to the stevenson game last night, tam had a few meltdowns and i hope i helped, but with girls... idk why are they so hard to understand, she runs away and then tells me "everythings all right" and im like "no, somethings wrong, tell me whats wrong tam" repeat.
i talked with harpo a bunch last night and im hoping that tam and him will work things out because harpo isnt like what he was anymore, tam doesnt even know this, but harpo kinda hasnt done anything but make out with a girls since last spring and he hasnt done drugs or anything so harpo really is trying to escape his past. and tam shouldnt go back to kris, kris is a deuch bag and should die because he thinks he can toy with girls emotions.
anyways, i came home all messed up last night at 10:30 and i fell asleep but woke up at midnight cuz harp called me (how i woke up IDK) but i didnt answer it so he left me a message saying thanks etc etc. then i feel asleep again and had the most realistic dream ive ever had, i was just sitting on my bed with a nknife slowly slicing my veins open, oh and i had a 6 pack but it looked all weird cuz i had veins showing. anyways, and all of my cuts basically healed except for the ones on my elbow which was weird but they bled ALOT and then i dreamt i passed out so when i woke up i checked my arm to see if there were any cuts there, turns out there werent. thank who ever reigns over us. but seering that blood and feeling the pain just made me want to do it sooo muchhh moreeeee,
so my dad woke me up at noon, and now im missing andrea sooo much and i want to be with her right now but i still have to clean my room and i kinda want to watch the michigan game but idk if shell be able to hang out tomrow OR today because shes all grounded because of the whole schoool calling her 3 weeks after she skipped school and now her mom knows etc etc. but i really want to hang out with her cuz i need someone to talk to and hold, i physically need someone to hold right now and my cats hate me so they cant fill in lolz.
and so one more weird thought. im thinking about making a mixtape about tam, idk why but when we were talking last night i just had all of these songs flash through my head... bloody valentine, loves a loaded gun, the breakup song, almost easy, I wont see you tonight (parts 1 and 2), hate me, diary of jane, sugar were goin down, scars, hate (really really really dont like you), crushcrushcrush, tell me baby, here comes the pain, Liar (it takes one to know one), and i think thats it.. wow 16 songs...
oh yeah, next week friday is stevenson vs fanklin, EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO THIS we'll have a blast and itll be an amazing game, we can hang out and everything. itll be like a macat reunion.
wow this is a long blogpost, oh well.
i love you andrea
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
ok...
rollar coasters like shit i guess
i seem to be the only way on the way up...
nat's having troubles, tams kinda getting better with life, elise is going down, the girl that sits next to me in 6th hour just got dumped by her bf of 2 years, idk.. maybe i just feel obligated to help these people since so many people helped me out?
i seem to be the only way on the way up...
nat's having troubles, tams kinda getting better with life, elise is going down, the girl that sits next to me in 6th hour just got dumped by her bf of 2 years, idk.. maybe i just feel obligated to help these people since so many people helped me out?
:]
last night i didnt do any homework, i went over to thoms house.
smashed toys using a fire poker, did flips on the trampoline, got lost on the way to a haunted house, scasred people in cars around us, arrived at haunted house, KICK ASS HAUNTED HOUSE next time more people should come, i love it. got home, went to bed.
today, got up etc etc school boring shit, got home, watched SP here i am.
im cold
but other then that im ok, i gotsa psychologists appointment in 3 hours
smashed toys using a fire poker, did flips on the trampoline, got lost on the way to a haunted house, scasred people in cars around us, arrived at haunted house, KICK ASS HAUNTED HOUSE next time more people should come, i love it. got home, went to bed.
today, got up etc etc school boring shit, got home, watched SP here i am.
im cold
but other then that im ok, i gotsa psychologists appointment in 3 hours
Sunday, October 28, 2007
lalalalala
yesterday:
woke up at 3 am to let andrea in, chilled, had some fun, she left.
woke up at noon, went on comp, took shower, went to see accross the universe.
went to andreas house afterwards, got molested and taken advantage of by being half naked, raped andrea, went home.
today:
woke up at 9, went to church, ate lunch, did chores until 2:45, went on comp and here i am now.
idk im still pretty buzzed from yesterday morning.
woke up at 3 am to let andrea in, chilled, had some fun, she left.
woke up at noon, went on comp, took shower, went to see accross the universe.
went to andreas house afterwards, got molested and taken advantage of by being half naked, raped andrea, went home.
today:
woke up at 9, went to church, ate lunch, did chores until 2:45, went on comp and here i am now.
idk im still pretty buzzed from yesterday morning.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Oh GOD
i cant remember the last time i was this happy,
andrea snuck over and we actually got away with it which i wasnt expecting.
I had the time of my life love, and i know you want to watch the movie, i actually wasnt expecting to do anything at the movie cuz i mean... too many people there.
i love you sooo much.
and im soo happy my mom is away for the day cuz that means i can go to the movie and she cant yell at me or anything.
i just woke up 20 minutes ago :]
GOD i dont even know how to express how happy and in love i am with you, and its not just cuz of the things we did, alll through it u were making my smile (cuz i couldnt laugh cuz that would wake people up).
GOD now i need to find happy song lyric to put at the end of this...
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
andrea snuck over and we actually got away with it which i wasnt expecting.
I had the time of my life love, and i know you want to watch the movie, i actually wasnt expecting to do anything at the movie cuz i mean... too many people there.
i love you sooo much.
and im soo happy my mom is away for the day cuz that means i can go to the movie and she cant yell at me or anything.
i just woke up 20 minutes ago :]
GOD i dont even know how to express how happy and in love i am with you, and its not just cuz of the things we did, alll through it u were making my smile (cuz i couldnt laugh cuz that would wake people up).
GOD now i need to find happy song lyric to put at the end of this...
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Thursday, October 25, 2007
wow, im dead tired but kinda... satisfied? happy?
ok so heres the things that have happened since last post or things that id forgotten to post.
I finished my totem pole :]
Katie C has been kinda talking to me the same way she did before we went out?... :-|
test in WH tomorow, and German
We had a test in Bio today, went fast, easy, slept for the last half of the hour
andrea was going to sneak out and come over last night, never happened, oh well
andrea and I had this long talk, i was scared stiff about it, but we's all good now (i think?)
we had a sub in 3rd hour today, who didnt rly do anything but it was fun.
im starting to speak up more in my 6th hour, just to see whts gonna happen.
I REALLY WANT AN iPod Video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(yeah, right)
idk when im going to bed tonight.... prbbly around 8:30 so i can actually sleep...
lifting weights has been ok.
it's really easy to fireman carry andrea now.
its also easy to curl my totem pole.
my moms gonna hem my robes in a minute, cuz im still not sure if im gonna actually be going ToTing this year... andrea, when u read this ur gonna nead to actually inform me of what we're doing halloween.
i g2g now, bbl
I finished my totem pole :]
Katie C has been kinda talking to me the same way she did before we went out?... :-|
test in WH tomorow, and German
We had a test in Bio today, went fast, easy, slept for the last half of the hour
andrea was going to sneak out and come over last night, never happened, oh well
andrea and I had this long talk, i was scared stiff about it, but we's all good now (i think?)
we had a sub in 3rd hour today, who didnt rly do anything but it was fun.
im starting to speak up more in my 6th hour, just to see whts gonna happen.
I REALLY WANT AN iPod Video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(yeah, right)
idk when im going to bed tonight.... prbbly around 8:30 so i can actually sleep...
lifting weights has been ok.
it's really easy to fireman carry andrea now.
its also easy to curl my totem pole.
my moms gonna hem my robes in a minute, cuz im still not sure if im gonna actually be going ToTing this year... andrea, when u read this ur gonna nead to actually inform me of what we're doing halloween.
i g2g now, bbl
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
quicky
ok, so im about to go eat my snack so whatev this is gonna be fast...
life SUX for me right now
my hands hurt, my mind hurts, my abs hurts, the back of my thighs hurt, i want my arms to hurt to even it all out...
my grandpa survived his surgery and is currently being moced in to his bed, he could be out of the hospital as early as next sunday.
thoms party is friday.. i got tom a present no duh, but i also got something else... ;]
i still hate my fucking mom to guts.
the new a7x album leaked, but i cant find anything
dumbledore's gay
harry dies
dumbledore dies
why is my life filled with lies?
im thinkiong about going on one of the school computers to see if my stories from late last year are still in my data.
cuz they were some fucking sweet stories
my mind isnt concentrating, thank you monster
i wish andrea were here right now i would like to talk to her.
not anything bad, dont worry babe :p
"I will let you down, I will make you hurt"
life SUX for me right now
my hands hurt, my mind hurts, my abs hurts, the back of my thighs hurt, i want my arms to hurt to even it all out...
my grandpa survived his surgery and is currently being moced in to his bed, he could be out of the hospital as early as next sunday.
thoms party is friday.. i got tom a present no duh, but i also got something else... ;]
i still hate my fucking mom to guts.
the new a7x album leaked, but i cant find anything
dumbledore's gay
harry dies
dumbledore dies
why is my life filled with lies?
im thinkiong about going on one of the school computers to see if my stories from late last year are still in my data.
cuz they were some fucking sweet stories
my mind isnt concentrating, thank you monster
i wish andrea were here right now i would like to talk to her.
not anything bad, dont worry babe :p
"I will let you down, I will make you hurt"
Monday, October 22, 2007
you can have it all, my empire of dirt
god... im so fucked up lately.
"seriously, you look like youre about to go home and kill yourself everyday"
ive had to fight tears/cutting so many times this weeks its not even funny
i think i love school. i love it because while my mind is being swept away in to the abyss of no return that teachers like to call homework, my mind cant focus on the things that are fucking me up.
my dad threw out his back at my football game last thursday so he was a hassle until he left 2 hours ago to go to kalamazoo because my grandpa is having major back surgery there... where my grandpa has a 50/50 chance of living.
my mom has been a bitch like allways. sunday, the first day i got to sleep in in the past two weeks, i was woken up by her pounding on my door, storming in and her yelling at me to get dressed and do yardwork.
i did a 5 person job that woiuld take the whole after noon in about 3 hours.
then i worked out.
then i went to boyscouts,
then i went with andrea to this haunted hayride thing that didnt rly work out
ive been TRYING SO FUCKING HARD to write.
but nothings realy is coming, my mind cant focus, its almost as if i dont want to focus, idk, maybe i think that if i focus to much, ill end up cutting again, cuz right now, nothing in my life is 100% enjoyment. but hey, i guess no pain no gain?
lately ive been feeling as if im strecthing myself too far, ive been trying to give atleast 80% at everything and its starting to show, im stressed, i dont sleep, ive given up talking to my family, but the worst thing is, i feel that ive been giving everything, and recieving practically nothing back, its like feeding a fire, yoiu can throw in your most valuable possesions and no matter what, you only get smoke back.
my hands are raw from lifting weights.
i can jump like the shit now.
but not that it really matter because im never gonna get the ball ever again.
andreas thinking that she tries to hard... but im not really feeling that shes trying at all...
wow, ive been writing for 1/2 an hour
ive taken vikodin twice in the past 2 weeks and i still am not sure what it does for me, i still felt it when my nail was crushed, whatev
the girl who stated the previously stated quote offered to give me a blunt but i didnt fully hear her so i was like "eh, maybe"
my brother used my mom and dads credit cards, stole even more money form them.
my sister is stressed because shes got this huge physics project due, and my mom is pressuring her about college applications.
and here i am, sitting here with stress from football, working out, school, andrea, tam and harp, trying to do my best, boyscouts, transportation, etc. i hardly have any time for my fucking self anymore, and that time, is spent lying awake at night waiting for either the tears or the dreamless sleep.
"back when i was younger, i was someone you'd've liked"
"seriously, you look like youre about to go home and kill yourself everyday"
ive had to fight tears/cutting so many times this weeks its not even funny
i think i love school. i love it because while my mind is being swept away in to the abyss of no return that teachers like to call homework, my mind cant focus on the things that are fucking me up.
my dad threw out his back at my football game last thursday so he was a hassle until he left 2 hours ago to go to kalamazoo because my grandpa is having major back surgery there... where my grandpa has a 50/50 chance of living.
my mom has been a bitch like allways. sunday, the first day i got to sleep in in the past two weeks, i was woken up by her pounding on my door, storming in and her yelling at me to get dressed and do yardwork.
i did a 5 person job that woiuld take the whole after noon in about 3 hours.
then i worked out.
then i went to boyscouts,
then i went with andrea to this haunted hayride thing that didnt rly work out
ive been TRYING SO FUCKING HARD to write.
but nothings realy is coming, my mind cant focus, its almost as if i dont want to focus, idk, maybe i think that if i focus to much, ill end up cutting again, cuz right now, nothing in my life is 100% enjoyment. but hey, i guess no pain no gain?
lately ive been feeling as if im strecthing myself too far, ive been trying to give atleast 80% at everything and its starting to show, im stressed, i dont sleep, ive given up talking to my family, but the worst thing is, i feel that ive been giving everything, and recieving practically nothing back, its like feeding a fire, yoiu can throw in your most valuable possesions and no matter what, you only get smoke back.
my hands are raw from lifting weights.
i can jump like the shit now.
but not that it really matter because im never gonna get the ball ever again.
andreas thinking that she tries to hard... but im not really feeling that shes trying at all...
wow, ive been writing for 1/2 an hour
ive taken vikodin twice in the past 2 weeks and i still am not sure what it does for me, i still felt it when my nail was crushed, whatev
the girl who stated the previously stated quote offered to give me a blunt but i didnt fully hear her so i was like "eh, maybe"
my brother used my mom and dads credit cards, stole even more money form them.
my sister is stressed because shes got this huge physics project due, and my mom is pressuring her about college applications.
and here i am, sitting here with stress from football, working out, school, andrea, tam and harp, trying to do my best, boyscouts, transportation, etc. i hardly have any time for my fucking self anymore, and that time, is spent lying awake at night waiting for either the tears or the dreamless sleep.
"back when i was younger, i was someone you'd've liked"
Thursday, October 18, 2007
this might be a big one
ok so heres things as they com to my head
won the game, didnt carry the ball at all, no tackles, no catches, some nice ass blocks
was going to sneak out last night, slept through alarm, woke up late, weird dream, went to school
meap testing sucked
psychologist sucked
moms still a bitch
my grandpas major surgery is happening next tuesday
Saturday im going to ford field to watch st.edith play
varsity football game tomorow
andrea got away with skipping school
im sneaking out again tonight
no really, i am
thinking about satin thing and how i know nothing about it
felt like slitting my wrists yesterday after practice as a final sort of "fuck you" to my coach
my fingernail is due to fall off within the next week
football is now officialy over, weight training can now begin
tgift
i was talking with kate costello today, and she wzs like "wow, youve changed" and in my eyes i havent really changed all that much... howve i changed? someone who knows kate please ask that ok?
my dads back was thrown out today at my game so... its gonna be an interesting weekend
my mom is still as much of a bitch as ever
my brother stole 200$ from my dad and had he been home at that time, he wouldve been kicked out, but he was lucky and hes still with us.
im totally not ready to go out tonight
oh well
ill get ready somehow
i g2g now
peace
won the game, didnt carry the ball at all, no tackles, no catches, some nice ass blocks
was going to sneak out last night, slept through alarm, woke up late, weird dream, went to school
meap testing sucked
psychologist sucked
moms still a bitch
my grandpas major surgery is happening next tuesday
Saturday im going to ford field to watch st.edith play
varsity football game tomorow
andrea got away with skipping school
im sneaking out again tonight
no really, i am
thinking about satin thing and how i know nothing about it
felt like slitting my wrists yesterday after practice as a final sort of "fuck you" to my coach
my fingernail is due to fall off within the next week
football is now officialy over, weight training can now begin
tgift
i was talking with kate costello today, and she wzs like "wow, youve changed" and in my eyes i havent really changed all that much... howve i changed? someone who knows kate please ask that ok?
my dads back was thrown out today at my game so... its gonna be an interesting weekend
my mom is still as much of a bitch as ever
my brother stole 200$ from my dad and had he been home at that time, he wouldve been kicked out, but he was lucky and hes still with us.
im totally not ready to go out tonight
oh well
ill get ready somehow
i g2g now
peace
Sunday, October 14, 2007
ok
ok so im not gonna lie
right now i pretty much feel like killing myself
i feel like crying until i cry no more
i feel lke gouging my eyes out
i feel like slicing myself open
ifeel like... numb
i dont feel any physical pain right now, i miss it, i want it back, GIVE IT BACK
where is it? is it where i left it? where did i leave it?where the fuck did it go? I WANT IT BACK
i want... someone to be here to hug me right now and my mom to be on her knees with a knfe in my hand ready to fucking slice her fucking son of a bitch fucken head off.
i miss the razors...
oh wait, i still have some.
right now i pretty much feel like killing myself
i feel like crying until i cry no more
i feel lke gouging my eyes out
i feel like slicing myself open
ifeel like... numb
i dont feel any physical pain right now, i miss it, i want it back, GIVE IT BACK
where is it? is it where i left it? where did i leave it?where the fuck did it go? I WANT IT BACK
i want... someone to be here to hug me right now and my mom to be on her knees with a knfe in my hand ready to fucking slice her fucking son of a bitch fucken head off.
i miss the razors...
oh wait, i still have some.
since everyone else has been naming things 'homecoming' lately
so yeah, its like 8:20 and im supposed to go to church in like 10 mins so this may sound rushed.
went to katies house, kinda hung out there a while, didnt do much, went to red robin, saw a few people we knew, ate dinner, left, went to churchill, were first ones to walk in door, checked coats, chilled at entrence way blocking traffic :]. met up with quite a few people went into gym to dance, hung out in back w/tom and them, danced a bit, raped a few people, made a few trips back and forth between punch and gym, jumped around, wasted energy, party over :[, went to lizzi's house, "purpled", party over again:[, went to my house, got yelled at for it being 1 am when suposidly i said that id be home within the hour WHEN I KNOW I SAID FUCKING "AT 1 AM" AND MY BROTHER EVEN REPEATED IT TO ME AND THEN TOLD ME WE WERE HAVING 11AM MASS TODAY!!!!!, went to bed, woke up, was pissed cuz i only got like 6 hours of sleep, washed dye out of hair, ate breakfast, went on computer.
went to katies house, kinda hung out there a while, didnt do much, went to red robin, saw a few people we knew, ate dinner, left, went to churchill, were first ones to walk in door, checked coats, chilled at entrence way blocking traffic :]. met up with quite a few people went into gym to dance, hung out in back w/tom and them, danced a bit, raped a few people, made a few trips back and forth between punch and gym, jumped around, wasted energy, party over :[, went to lizzi's house, "purpled", party over again:[, went to my house, got yelled at for it being 1 am when suposidly i said that id be home within the hour WHEN I KNOW I SAID FUCKING "AT 1 AM" AND MY BROTHER EVEN REPEATED IT TO ME AND THEN TOLD ME WE WERE HAVING 11AM MASS TODAY!!!!!, went to bed, woke up, was pissed cuz i only got like 6 hours of sleep, washed dye out of hair, ate breakfast, went on computer.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
warm and fuzzy
ok so, last night i went over to andrea's house and met kenny and etc etc.
and we traded sweaters/hoodies/coats whatchamacallits.
and i fell asleep with her purple and black striped hoodie on
and i woke up in the middleof the night cuz i was having a nightmare
and then i just smelled her smell on her jacket and i felt all confortable again... and then i fell asleep again.
:] thanks andrea.
and we traded sweaters/hoodies/coats whatchamacallits.
and i fell asleep with her purple and black striped hoodie on
and i woke up in the middleof the night cuz i was having a nightmare
and then i just smelled her smell on her jacket and i felt all confortable again... and then i fell asleep again.
:] thanks andrea.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
tired
homecoming in a week.. heres my outfit:
-black shoes
-black socks
-black pants
-black belt w/silver buckle
-black long sleeve stiff collar shirt
-red tie thats either solid red or kinda holographic red/black, andrea'll pick
-black hair dye for the day
so yeah... i didnt bring my biology book home so i couldnt do the hw thats due tomorow... oh well
lalala im bored
im wondering if andrea wants a corssage or something
-black shoes
-black socks
-black pants
-black belt w/silver buckle
-black long sleeve stiff collar shirt
-red tie thats either solid red or kinda holographic red/black, andrea'll pick
-black hair dye for the day
so yeah... i didnt bring my biology book home so i couldnt do the hw thats due tomorow... oh well
lalala im bored
im wondering if andrea wants a corssage or something
Friday, October 5, 2007
:]
im happy, satisfied, and tired.
today was a good day.
thank you andrea :]
even though my balls still hurt....
today was a good day.
thank you andrea :]
even though my balls still hurt....
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
so...
we lost last night but i still had fun anyways.
tons of ruined moments xD
but i still had fun
went over to berger's house, played H3, decided i like H2 better. stayed up till 4 am, slept for 4 hours, got up, ate breakfast, went to chiropracter, got adjusted, didnt get xrays, and now im here.
idk which house andrea is at this weekend
tons of ruined moments xD
but i still had fun
went over to berger's house, played H3, decided i like H2 better. stayed up till 4 am, slept for 4 hours, got up, ate breakfast, went to chiropracter, got adjusted, didnt get xrays, and now im here.
idk which house andrea is at this weekend
Thursday, September 27, 2007
game lost
we lost 16-8 but we played a gell of a hame.
my stats:
carries: 3
yards: about 32
average yards per carry (game): 10.66666
average yards per carry (total): over 10
tackles:0
sacks:0
touchdowns: almost had one :[
bruises taken: at least 4 as of yet
bruises given: many
tackles missed: 0
blocks missed: 0
passes received: 0/0
compliments recieved (other team): 4
compliments received (friends): many
thanks for going to the game andrea :]
my stats:
carries: 3
yards: about 32
average yards per carry (game): 10.66666
average yards per carry (total): over 10
tackles:0
sacks:0
touchdowns: almost had one :[
bruises taken: at least 4 as of yet
bruises given: many
tackles missed: 0
blocks missed: 0
passes received: 0/0
compliments recieved (other team): 4
compliments received (friends): many
thanks for going to the game andrea :]
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
xD andrea read this
Eshomai30 (8:19:58 PM): does andrea like u
cwdwarf (8:20:03 PM): whos this?
Eshomai30 (8:20:10 PM): her sisssster
Eshomai30 (8:20:13 PM): does she
Eshomai30 (8:20:14 PM): y
cwdwarf (8:20:28 PM): her older or younger sister?
Eshomai30 (8:20:37 PM): younga
Eshomai30 (8:20:41 PM): the anoying one
Eshomai30 (8:20:45 PM): :D
cwdwarf (8:20:48 PM): didnt you have a different sn last time i talked to you?
Eshomai30 (8:20:52 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:20:53 PM): maybe
Eshomai30 (8:20:55 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:20:56 PM): kinda
cwdwarf (8:20:59 PM): yeah you did
cwdwarf (8:21:02 PM): anyways
Eshomai30 (8:21:04 PM): ik
cwdwarf (8:21:05 PM): why do u care?
Eshomai30 (8:21:10 PM): idk
Eshomai30 (8:21:18 PM): does she go to your games>
cwdwarf (8:21:23 PM): not any so far
Eshomai30 (8:21:35 PM): ooooo shes cheating on u
Eshomai30 (8:21:37 PM): with james
cwdwarf (8:21:41 PM): right...
Eshomai30 (8:21:43 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:21:45 PM): yup
cwdwarf (8:21:47 PM): lolz
Eshomai30 (8:21:53 PM): no lol
Eshomai30 (8:21:55 PM): no z
cwdwarf (8:21:55 PM): in order for that to be true
cwdwarf (8:22:03 PM): james would have to be straight
Eshomai30 (8:22:11 PM): ohhhhh well, he is
Eshomai30 (8:22:17 PM): he likes her
cwdwarf (8:22:20 PM): so tell me
Eshomai30 (8:22:20 PM): ooo
Eshomai30 (8:22:23 PM): arent u jealous
cwdwarf (8:22:29 PM): why does someone so small stir uip so much trouble?
Eshomai30 (8:22:40 PM): b/c i can
cwdwarf (8:22:41 PM): i trust andrea with my life
Eshomai30 (8:22:45 PM): do u...
Eshomai30 (8:22:50 PM): are u sure
Eshomai30 (8:22:53 PM): ....
cwdwarf (8:22:55 PM): i wouldnt ever accuse her of cheating unless i saw her
Eshomai30 (8:23:08 PM): well, wht if i sent u a video of her..
Eshomai30 (8:23:09 PM): and james
cwdwarf (8:23:12 PM): lolz
cwdwarf (8:23:14 PM): try
Eshomai30 (8:23:17 PM): no im cerial
Eshomai30 (8:23:26 PM): cereal*
cwdwarf (8:23:36 PM): james is ur fucking next door neighbor
Eshomai30 (8:23:48 PM): yup, thats makes cheating on u easier
Eshomai30 (8:23:53 PM): haw haw haw
cwdwarf (8:23:54 PM): if she liked him that woulda been over a looong time ago
Eshomai30 (8:24:03 PM): youd think so...
cwdwarf (8:24:07 PM): i know so
Eshomai30 (8:24:08 PM): wouldnt u
Eshomai30 (8:24:16 PM): how old are u
Eshomai30 (8:24:19 PM): are u 70
cwdwarf (8:24:22 PM): ...
cwdwarf (8:24:24 PM): no...
Eshomai30 (8:24:30 PM): >_<
Eshomai30 (8:24:31 PM): y
Eshomai30 (8:24:41 PM): do u mulest chldren
cwdwarf (8:24:46 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:24:53 PM): yes u do
Eshomai30 (8:24:56 PM): andy sed u did
cwdwarf (8:25:12 PM): now if ur done having fantasies about ur sister and 70 year old men, would you please get off of the computer and get ur sister?
Eshomai30 (8:25:21 PM): nope i cant
Eshomai30 (8:25:24 PM): shes dead
Eshomai30 (8:25:27 PM): i killedher
Eshomai30 (8:25:36 PM): and dude shes at her moms
Eshomai30 (8:25:44 PM): our*
cwdwarf (8:25:55 PM): if you did then id make damn sure that for atleast a month before you died youd wish you were dead
Eshomai30 (8:26:04 PM): hehe im sure
Eshomai30 (8:26:08 PM): sooooooo
cwdwarf (8:26:08 PM): turst me
Eshomai30 (8:26:11 PM): who was ur last gf
cwdwarf (8:26:14 PM): i know things you couldnt imagine
Eshomai30 (8:26:20 PM): i bet
Eshomai30 (8:26:28 PM): like how u mulest kids
cwdwarf (8:26:37 PM): cuz im totally 70 years old bitch
cwdwarf (8:26:59 PM): that would mean the year would have to be 2063
cwdwarf (8:27:03 PM): dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:27:09 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:27:16 PM): am i pissin u off?
cwdwarf (8:27:21 PM): noy rly
Eshomai30 (8:27:26 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:27:30 PM): thats the job
cwdwarf (8:27:31 PM): if i was pissed off ud be dead
Eshomai30 (8:27:38 PM): suuuure
cwdwarf (8:27:39 PM): cuz i know where u r at this exact moment
Eshomai30 (8:27:43 PM): did u ever kill a child?
cwdwarf (8:27:48 PM): plenty :]
Eshomai30 (8:27:52 PM): immmm suuure
Eshomai30 (8:28:16 PM): y dont u have andrea in your profiel
Eshomai30 (8:28:19 PM): pro*
cwdwarf (8:28:25 PM): which prfile?
Eshomai30 (8:28:33 PM): the one for aim
Eshomai30 (8:28:34 PM): der
cwdwarf (8:28:43 PM): shes in my other one
Eshomai30 (8:28:45 PM): u shood say "andrea i love u" or somethin
Eshomai30 (8:28:51 PM): on ur myspace
Eshomai30 (8:28:59 PM): do u have friends
cwdwarf (8:29:10 PM): i have more friends then ull ever have, midget
Eshomai30 (8:29:14 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:29:16 PM): i bet
Eshomai30 (8:29:30 PM): how much do u wiegh?
cwdwarf (8:29:33 PM): 130
Eshomai30 (8:29:39 PM): u mean 1200
cwdwarf (8:29:41 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:29:42 PM): 130
Eshomai30 (8:29:43 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:29:46 PM): 1200
Eshomai30 (8:29:50 PM): is u a fatty?
cwdwarf (8:29:59 PM): so is andrea with james right now?
Eshomai30 (8:30:11 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:30:15 PM): shes at momas
cwdwarf (8:30:30 PM): whatev
Eshomai30 (8:30:45 PM): tvmbgghhbbhjjbjghmjbhgfjgjjj76hhkhkjkkjljjkljgukllljjjjjjj
cwdwarf (8:30:46 PM): so tell me, do you tryn to be aqnnoying or were youi born with it?
Eshomai30 (8:30:50 PM): iiig
Eshomai30 (8:30:55 PM): yessir
Eshomai30 (8:31:13 PM): i was born wit it
Eshomai30 (8:31:15 PM): jealous?
cwdwarf (8:31:18 PM): i figured
cwdwarf (8:31:20 PM): nope
Eshomai30 (8:31:23 PM): yes u are
Eshomai30 (8:31:26 PM): ur soo jealous
cwdwarf (8:31:47 PM): yes, cuz i totally want to be a dumb bitch who does nothing but stir up trouble all day
Eshomai30 (8:31:54 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:32:04 PM): ur jealous of my mad trouble-stirring skills
cwdwarf (8:32:18 PM): wow
Eshomai30 (8:32:26 PM): :D
cwdwarf (8:32:27 PM): u definantly sounded like a 3rd grader there
Eshomai30 (8:32:32 PM): yessssir
Eshomai30 (8:32:37 PM): but correction, its a sevie
cwdwarf (8:32:56 PM): no, ur a 3rd grader
cwdwarf (8:32:59 PM): ive promoted you
Eshomai30 (8:33:04 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:33:22 PM): i dont liek u
Eshomai30 (8:33:25 PM): ur toooo tall
cwdwarf (8:33:42 PM): yeah, im sorry for being averge height, midget
Eshomai30 (8:33:57 PM): i like being small
Eshomai30 (8:34:05 PM): midget is a complement
cwdwarf (8:34:10 PM): u can suk dicks easier that way
cwdwarf (8:34:24 PM): you dont even have to bend over
Eshomai30 (8:34:27 PM): oh, definately, cuz you know ALL about that
cwdwarf (8:34:57 PM): no, im saying you would
Eshomai30 (8:35:06 PM): suuuuuuure
Eshomai30 (8:35:23 PM): i bet u have sucked it
Eshomai30 (8:35:26 PM): on andrea
cwdwarf (8:35:33 PM): wanna replace ur bets?
Eshomai30 (8:35:42 PM): hm...
cwdwarf (8:35:46 PM): see, unlike you, andrea has standards and self repsect
Eshomai30 (8:36:03 PM): yea... surrre that goth freak is a total bitch
Eshomai30 (8:36:06 PM): and u knwo it too
Eshomai30 (8:36:14 PM): im gunna tell her u cheated one hr
cwdwarf (8:36:16 PM): she aint a freak or a bitch
cwdwarf (8:36:22 PM): go ahead and tell her that
cwdwarf (8:36:27 PM): it's called cut/paste
Eshomai30 (8:36:30 PM): even if shes dont belive me
Eshomai30 (8:36:39 PM): ill tell her aLLLLLL DAY
cwdwarf (8:36:49 PM): and she'll end up stabing you
Eshomai30 (8:37:01 PM): im sure dude
Eshomai30 (8:37:08 PM): how many gfs have u had
Eshomai30 (8:37:11 PM): EVER
cwdwarf (8:37:13 PM): have i had?
cwdwarf (8:37:16 PM): uhm
Eshomai30 (8:37:17 PM): yes
cwdwarf (8:37:22 PM): counting andrea once or twice
Eshomai30 (8:37:30 PM): omg only one!>!>!>!hahahh
Eshomai30 (8:37:31 PM): thats sad
cwdwarf (8:37:34 PM): lolz
cwdwarf (8:37:37 PM): thats not what i meant
cwdwarf (8:37:53 PM): what i ment was, ive been out with andrea twice, do i count that as one gf or 2?
Eshomai30 (8:38:05 PM): one
Eshomai30 (8:38:09 PM): shes only one person
cwdwarf (8:38:12 PM): then ive had...
Eshomai30 (8:38:14 PM): so is that all? 1?
cwdwarf (8:38:29 PM): 6
cwdwarf (8:38:32 PM): 6 total
Eshomai30 (8:38:36 PM): ive had about like 6 or 7 thoughout elementary and now
cwdwarf (8:38:49 PM): uve had 6 or 7 gf's? wow, my gf's sister is a lezbo
Eshomai30 (8:38:59 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:39:03 PM): definately
Eshomai30 (8:39:11 PM): im a lesbein
Eshomai30 (8:39:16 PM): u caught me
cwdwarf (8:39:16 PM): i thought so
Eshomai30 (8:39:23 PM): i bet u are too
cwdwarf (8:39:32 PM): guys cant be lesbiens dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:39:38 PM): i bet ur MJ hiding out trying to get into andreas life andbusiness
Eshomai30 (8:40:03 PM): and no duh shitface, its called a joke
cwdwarf (8:40:14 PM): ur definantly nomt funny
Eshomai30 (8:40:36 PM): ya, and YOU should learn how to spell
cwdwarf (8:40:54 PM): or im just typing on a dif keyeboard than usual...
Eshomai30 (8:41:08 PM): Y DO U LIKE ANDREA
Eshomai30 (8:41:12 PM): it cant be for looks....
cwdwarf (8:41:34 PM): i like her for my own reasons
Eshomai30 (8:41:53 PM): y... which reasons? i bet they r perverted
cwdwarf (8:42:11 PM): i bet i dont want you to know my reasons
Eshomai30 (8:42:24 PM): idc
Eshomai30 (8:42:32 PM): i prolly already kno
Eshomai30 (8:42:38 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:42:41 PM): ur nasty
cwdwarf (8:42:45 PM): ...?
Eshomai30 (8:42:58 PM): ha! u dont even know
Eshomai30 (8:43:07 PM): am i the only one ur talking to
cwdwarf (8:43:31 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:43:39 PM): im also talking with my ex and a friend
Eshomai30 (8:43:47 PM): hoos ur ex
Eshomai30 (8:43:51 PM): some guy?.
cwdwarf (8:43:53 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:43:57 PM): katie costello
Eshomai30 (8:44:06 PM): omg!!! u dated that thing?>
Eshomai30 (8:44:11 PM): how sad
cwdwarf (8:44:43 PM): u dont even know her...
cwdwarf (8:44:54 PM): dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:44:58 PM): wanna bet?
Eshomai30 (8:45:56 PM): whhhhaaatever
cwdwarf (8:46:05 PM): describe her to me then
Eshomai30 (8:46:35 PM): shes a fat whore that has noe friends
Eshomai30 (8:46:39 PM): there
Eshomai30 (8:46:42 PM): clearifyed
cwdwarf (8:47:12 PM): xD
cwdwarf (8:47:17 PM): what color is her hair?
Eshomai30 (8:47:27 PM): A COLOR
Eshomai30 (8:47:31 PM): blue
Eshomai30 (8:47:31 PM): ha
cwdwarf (8:47:59 PM): ...
cwdwarf (8:48:04 PM): u fail at life
Eshomai30 (8:48:06 PM): im right huh?
cwdwarf (8:48:08 PM): just go kill yourself
Eshomai30 (8:48:12 PM): alright
Eshomai30 (8:48:17 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:32 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:34 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:36 PM): xD
cwdwarf (8:20:03 PM): whos this?
Eshomai30 (8:20:10 PM): her sisssster
Eshomai30 (8:20:13 PM): does she
Eshomai30 (8:20:14 PM): y
cwdwarf (8:20:28 PM): her older or younger sister?
Eshomai30 (8:20:37 PM): younga
Eshomai30 (8:20:41 PM): the anoying one
Eshomai30 (8:20:45 PM): :D
cwdwarf (8:20:48 PM): didnt you have a different sn last time i talked to you?
Eshomai30 (8:20:52 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:20:53 PM): maybe
Eshomai30 (8:20:55 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:20:56 PM): kinda
cwdwarf (8:20:59 PM): yeah you did
cwdwarf (8:21:02 PM): anyways
Eshomai30 (8:21:04 PM): ik
cwdwarf (8:21:05 PM): why do u care?
Eshomai30 (8:21:10 PM): idk
Eshomai30 (8:21:18 PM): does she go to your games>
cwdwarf (8:21:23 PM): not any so far
Eshomai30 (8:21:35 PM): ooooo shes cheating on u
Eshomai30 (8:21:37 PM): with james
cwdwarf (8:21:41 PM): right...
Eshomai30 (8:21:43 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:21:45 PM): yup
cwdwarf (8:21:47 PM): lolz
Eshomai30 (8:21:53 PM): no lol
Eshomai30 (8:21:55 PM): no z
cwdwarf (8:21:55 PM): in order for that to be true
cwdwarf (8:22:03 PM): james would have to be straight
Eshomai30 (8:22:11 PM): ohhhhh well, he is
Eshomai30 (8:22:17 PM): he likes her
cwdwarf (8:22:20 PM): so tell me
Eshomai30 (8:22:20 PM): ooo
Eshomai30 (8:22:23 PM): arent u jealous
cwdwarf (8:22:29 PM): why does someone so small stir uip so much trouble?
Eshomai30 (8:22:40 PM): b/c i can
cwdwarf (8:22:41 PM): i trust andrea with my life
Eshomai30 (8:22:45 PM): do u...
Eshomai30 (8:22:50 PM): are u sure
Eshomai30 (8:22:53 PM): ....
cwdwarf (8:22:55 PM): i wouldnt ever accuse her of cheating unless i saw her
Eshomai30 (8:23:08 PM): well, wht if i sent u a video of her..
Eshomai30 (8:23:09 PM): and james
cwdwarf (8:23:12 PM): lolz
cwdwarf (8:23:14 PM): try
Eshomai30 (8:23:17 PM): no im cerial
Eshomai30 (8:23:26 PM): cereal*
cwdwarf (8:23:36 PM): james is ur fucking next door neighbor
Eshomai30 (8:23:48 PM): yup, thats makes cheating on u easier
Eshomai30 (8:23:53 PM): haw haw haw
cwdwarf (8:23:54 PM): if she liked him that woulda been over a looong time ago
Eshomai30 (8:24:03 PM): youd think so...
cwdwarf (8:24:07 PM): i know so
Eshomai30 (8:24:08 PM): wouldnt u
Eshomai30 (8:24:16 PM): how old are u
Eshomai30 (8:24:19 PM): are u 70
cwdwarf (8:24:22 PM): ...
cwdwarf (8:24:24 PM): no...
Eshomai30 (8:24:30 PM): >_<
Eshomai30 (8:24:31 PM): y
Eshomai30 (8:24:41 PM): do u mulest chldren
cwdwarf (8:24:46 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:24:53 PM): yes u do
Eshomai30 (8:24:56 PM): andy sed u did
cwdwarf (8:25:12 PM): now if ur done having fantasies about ur sister and 70 year old men, would you please get off of the computer and get ur sister?
Eshomai30 (8:25:21 PM): nope i cant
Eshomai30 (8:25:24 PM): shes dead
Eshomai30 (8:25:27 PM): i killedher
Eshomai30 (8:25:36 PM): and dude shes at her moms
Eshomai30 (8:25:44 PM): our*
cwdwarf (8:25:55 PM): if you did then id make damn sure that for atleast a month before you died youd wish you were dead
Eshomai30 (8:26:04 PM): hehe im sure
Eshomai30 (8:26:08 PM): sooooooo
cwdwarf (8:26:08 PM): turst me
Eshomai30 (8:26:11 PM): who was ur last gf
cwdwarf (8:26:14 PM): i know things you couldnt imagine
Eshomai30 (8:26:20 PM): i bet
Eshomai30 (8:26:28 PM): like how u mulest kids
cwdwarf (8:26:37 PM): cuz im totally 70 years old bitch
cwdwarf (8:26:59 PM): that would mean the year would have to be 2063
cwdwarf (8:27:03 PM): dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:27:09 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:27:16 PM): am i pissin u off?
cwdwarf (8:27:21 PM): noy rly
Eshomai30 (8:27:26 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:27:30 PM): thats the job
cwdwarf (8:27:31 PM): if i was pissed off ud be dead
Eshomai30 (8:27:38 PM): suuuure
cwdwarf (8:27:39 PM): cuz i know where u r at this exact moment
Eshomai30 (8:27:43 PM): did u ever kill a child?
cwdwarf (8:27:48 PM): plenty :]
Eshomai30 (8:27:52 PM): immmm suuure
Eshomai30 (8:28:16 PM): y dont u have andrea in your profiel
Eshomai30 (8:28:19 PM): pro*
cwdwarf (8:28:25 PM): which prfile?
Eshomai30 (8:28:33 PM): the one for aim
Eshomai30 (8:28:34 PM): der
cwdwarf (8:28:43 PM): shes in my other one
Eshomai30 (8:28:45 PM): u shood say "andrea i love u" or somethin
Eshomai30 (8:28:51 PM): on ur myspace
Eshomai30 (8:28:59 PM): do u have friends
cwdwarf (8:29:10 PM): i have more friends then ull ever have, midget
Eshomai30 (8:29:14 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:29:16 PM): i bet
Eshomai30 (8:29:30 PM): how much do u wiegh?
cwdwarf (8:29:33 PM): 130
Eshomai30 (8:29:39 PM): u mean 1200
cwdwarf (8:29:41 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:29:42 PM): 130
Eshomai30 (8:29:43 PM): yes
Eshomai30 (8:29:46 PM): 1200
Eshomai30 (8:29:50 PM): is u a fatty?
cwdwarf (8:29:59 PM): so is andrea with james right now?
Eshomai30 (8:30:11 PM): no
Eshomai30 (8:30:15 PM): shes at momas
cwdwarf (8:30:30 PM): whatev
Eshomai30 (8:30:45 PM): tvmbgghhbbhjjbjghmjbhgfjgjjj76hhkhkjkkjljjkljgukllljjjjjjj
cwdwarf (8:30:46 PM): so tell me, do you tryn to be aqnnoying or were youi born with it?
Eshomai30 (8:30:50 PM): iiig
Eshomai30 (8:30:55 PM): yessir
Eshomai30 (8:31:13 PM): i was born wit it
Eshomai30 (8:31:15 PM): jealous?
cwdwarf (8:31:18 PM): i figured
cwdwarf (8:31:20 PM): nope
Eshomai30 (8:31:23 PM): yes u are
Eshomai30 (8:31:26 PM): ur soo jealous
cwdwarf (8:31:47 PM): yes, cuz i totally want to be a dumb bitch who does nothing but stir up trouble all day
Eshomai30 (8:31:54 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:32:04 PM): ur jealous of my mad trouble-stirring skills
cwdwarf (8:32:18 PM): wow
Eshomai30 (8:32:26 PM): :D
cwdwarf (8:32:27 PM): u definantly sounded like a 3rd grader there
Eshomai30 (8:32:32 PM): yessssir
Eshomai30 (8:32:37 PM): but correction, its a sevie
cwdwarf (8:32:56 PM): no, ur a 3rd grader
cwdwarf (8:32:59 PM): ive promoted you
Eshomai30 (8:33:04 PM): hehe
Eshomai30 (8:33:22 PM): i dont liek u
Eshomai30 (8:33:25 PM): ur toooo tall
cwdwarf (8:33:42 PM): yeah, im sorry for being averge height, midget
Eshomai30 (8:33:57 PM): i like being small
Eshomai30 (8:34:05 PM): midget is a complement
cwdwarf (8:34:10 PM): u can suk dicks easier that way
cwdwarf (8:34:24 PM): you dont even have to bend over
Eshomai30 (8:34:27 PM): oh, definately, cuz you know ALL about that
cwdwarf (8:34:57 PM): no, im saying you would
Eshomai30 (8:35:06 PM): suuuuuuure
Eshomai30 (8:35:23 PM): i bet u have sucked it
Eshomai30 (8:35:26 PM): on andrea
cwdwarf (8:35:33 PM): wanna replace ur bets?
Eshomai30 (8:35:42 PM): hm...
cwdwarf (8:35:46 PM): see, unlike you, andrea has standards and self repsect
Eshomai30 (8:36:03 PM): yea... surrre that goth freak is a total bitch
Eshomai30 (8:36:06 PM): and u knwo it too
Eshomai30 (8:36:14 PM): im gunna tell her u cheated one hr
cwdwarf (8:36:16 PM): she aint a freak or a bitch
cwdwarf (8:36:22 PM): go ahead and tell her that
cwdwarf (8:36:27 PM): it's called cut/paste
Eshomai30 (8:36:30 PM): even if shes dont belive me
Eshomai30 (8:36:39 PM): ill tell her aLLLLLL DAY
cwdwarf (8:36:49 PM): and she'll end up stabing you
Eshomai30 (8:37:01 PM): im sure dude
Eshomai30 (8:37:08 PM): how many gfs have u had
Eshomai30 (8:37:11 PM): EVER
cwdwarf (8:37:13 PM): have i had?
cwdwarf (8:37:16 PM): uhm
Eshomai30 (8:37:17 PM): yes
cwdwarf (8:37:22 PM): counting andrea once or twice
Eshomai30 (8:37:30 PM): omg only one!>!>!>!hahahh
Eshomai30 (8:37:31 PM): thats sad
cwdwarf (8:37:34 PM): lolz
cwdwarf (8:37:37 PM): thats not what i meant
cwdwarf (8:37:53 PM): what i ment was, ive been out with andrea twice, do i count that as one gf or 2?
Eshomai30 (8:38:05 PM): one
Eshomai30 (8:38:09 PM): shes only one person
cwdwarf (8:38:12 PM): then ive had...
Eshomai30 (8:38:14 PM): so is that all? 1?
cwdwarf (8:38:29 PM): 6
cwdwarf (8:38:32 PM): 6 total
Eshomai30 (8:38:36 PM): ive had about like 6 or 7 thoughout elementary and now
cwdwarf (8:38:49 PM): uve had 6 or 7 gf's? wow, my gf's sister is a lezbo
Eshomai30 (8:38:59 PM): yup
Eshomai30 (8:39:03 PM): definately
Eshomai30 (8:39:11 PM): im a lesbein
Eshomai30 (8:39:16 PM): u caught me
cwdwarf (8:39:16 PM): i thought so
Eshomai30 (8:39:23 PM): i bet u are too
cwdwarf (8:39:32 PM): guys cant be lesbiens dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:39:38 PM): i bet ur MJ hiding out trying to get into andreas life andbusiness
Eshomai30 (8:40:03 PM): and no duh shitface, its called a joke
cwdwarf (8:40:14 PM): ur definantly nomt funny
Eshomai30 (8:40:36 PM): ya, and YOU should learn how to spell
cwdwarf (8:40:54 PM): or im just typing on a dif keyeboard than usual...
Eshomai30 (8:41:08 PM): Y DO U LIKE ANDREA
Eshomai30 (8:41:12 PM): it cant be for looks....
cwdwarf (8:41:34 PM): i like her for my own reasons
Eshomai30 (8:41:53 PM): y... which reasons? i bet they r perverted
cwdwarf (8:42:11 PM): i bet i dont want you to know my reasons
Eshomai30 (8:42:24 PM): idc
Eshomai30 (8:42:32 PM): i prolly already kno
Eshomai30 (8:42:38 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:42:41 PM): ur nasty
cwdwarf (8:42:45 PM): ...?
Eshomai30 (8:42:58 PM): ha! u dont even know
Eshomai30 (8:43:07 PM): am i the only one ur talking to
cwdwarf (8:43:31 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:43:39 PM): im also talking with my ex and a friend
Eshomai30 (8:43:47 PM): hoos ur ex
Eshomai30 (8:43:51 PM): some guy?.
cwdwarf (8:43:53 PM): no
cwdwarf (8:43:57 PM): katie costello
Eshomai30 (8:44:06 PM): omg!!! u dated that thing?>
Eshomai30 (8:44:11 PM): how sad
cwdwarf (8:44:43 PM): u dont even know her...
cwdwarf (8:44:54 PM): dumbass
Eshomai30 (8:44:58 PM): wanna bet?
Eshomai30 (8:45:56 PM): whhhhaaatever
cwdwarf (8:46:05 PM): describe her to me then
Eshomai30 (8:46:35 PM): shes a fat whore that has noe friends
Eshomai30 (8:46:39 PM): there
Eshomai30 (8:46:42 PM): clearifyed
cwdwarf (8:47:12 PM): xD
cwdwarf (8:47:17 PM): what color is her hair?
Eshomai30 (8:47:27 PM): A COLOR
Eshomai30 (8:47:31 PM): blue
Eshomai30 (8:47:31 PM): ha
cwdwarf (8:47:59 PM): ...
cwdwarf (8:48:04 PM): u fail at life
Eshomai30 (8:48:06 PM): im right huh?
cwdwarf (8:48:08 PM): just go kill yourself
Eshomai30 (8:48:12 PM): alright
Eshomai30 (8:48:17 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:32 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:34 PM): xD
Eshomai30 (8:50:36 PM): xD
im...ok
yesterday: got homecoming stuff
today: got sick during testing, sill went to practice and played although i might not start thursday.
just spent like 20 mins learning the crank dat soulja boy dance xD its actually really easy
i love andrea, shes constantly on my mind, i could even smell her a minute ago.
i still have LA homework to do, but i wont be able to turn in the quotes sheet cuz im a dumb ass and left the book at school.
thats all for now
today: got sick during testing, sill went to practice and played although i might not start thursday.
just spent like 20 mins learning the crank dat soulja boy dance xD its actually really easy
i love andrea, shes constantly on my mind, i could even smell her a minute ago.
i still have LA homework to do, but i wont be able to turn in the quotes sheet cuz im a dumb ass and left the book at school.
thats all for now
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for another list
here they are
1: I cut today, see the following for reasons as to why
2: went to andrea's house yesterday and the day before that, allways fun until the end, when the sudden realization that i have to go home settles in
3: at the end of my visit to andrea's house, i got really really depressed really fast. like *BOOM* im depressed now. "see you monday, I hope" thank you andrea, if it werent for those words, i really dont think i would be going into school tomorow.
4: my parents keep bitching at me to do chores which ive allready done, or do hw which ive already done.
5: forced, expected, and real made me think
6: my dad keeps harping on me to do scout shit
7: my dad keeps yelling at me cuz apparently im not a good enuf football player
8: my brother keeps belittling me (i think thats the word...)
9: i feel like running away.
10: I still am getting constant headaches.
11: my back still hurts like a mother fucker
12: well i have to go do more fucking chores, more on this later.
1: I cut today, see the following for reasons as to why
2: went to andrea's house yesterday and the day before that, allways fun until the end, when the sudden realization that i have to go home settles in
3: at the end of my visit to andrea's house, i got really really depressed really fast. like *BOOM* im depressed now. "see you monday, I hope" thank you andrea, if it werent for those words, i really dont think i would be going into school tomorow.
4: my parents keep bitching at me to do chores which ive allready done, or do hw which ive already done.
5: forced, expected, and real made me think
6: my dad keeps harping on me to do scout shit
7: my dad keeps yelling at me cuz apparently im not a good enuf football player
8: my brother keeps belittling me (i think thats the word...)
9: i feel like running away.
10: I still am getting constant headaches.
11: my back still hurts like a mother fucker
12: well i have to go do more fucking chores, more on this later.
Monday, September 17, 2007
I LOVE ANDREA
ok so tam was just talking to me about how much she loves chris and it got me thinking...
I LOVE ANDREA WITH EVERYTHING
i would die for her, i would kill myself or anyone else for her, i would run away for her, i would do anything for her.
When i think of her Im happy.
I feel guilty whenever i talk with any other girl.
I live for those 3-4 mins in between classes where i see her.
SHE IS THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM CUTTING
i know she cares, and she's someone whos allways there and ready to talk to.
I know ive been buggin her about making out, but i love her hugs better.
without her, i wouldnt be the same.
i will do anything to make her happy.
i love you andrea.
I LOVE ANDREA WITH EVERYTHING
i would die for her, i would kill myself or anyone else for her, i would run away for her, i would do anything for her.
When i think of her Im happy.
I feel guilty whenever i talk with any other girl.
I live for those 3-4 mins in between classes where i see her.
SHE IS THE ONLY THING STOPPING ME FROM CUTTING
i know she cares, and she's someone whos allways there and ready to talk to.
I know ive been buggin her about making out, but i love her hugs better.
without her, i wouldnt be the same.
i will do anything to make her happy.
i love you andrea.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
football game
ok so i went to the football game last night, churchil won like 49-0 but i didnt rly watch the game.
i got there right at the opening kickoff, wohoo.
andrea got there at about the end of the first quarter and i hung out with her for the rest of the time, which was fun and memorable.
kelly kept trying to shove her foot up my ass which hurt, i broke up a fight, made fun of Salem's freshmen cuz they sucked, andrea did something that surprised me but i liked it, talked with tom, got in a shit load of headlocks, watched the halftime show, hugged/cuddled with andrea alot.
drove andrea home, went home, watched football.
wewnt to the chiroractor today, they're gonna take xrays next week.
my parents are goin to the michigan game today, anyone wanna hang out?
i was gonna have my bro drive me and andrea to go see balls of fury, but she might be having a party today, but if she does im goin.
but my plans usually dont work so if anyone wants to hang out just call the home phone.
i got there right at the opening kickoff, wohoo.
andrea got there at about the end of the first quarter and i hung out with her for the rest of the time, which was fun and memorable.
kelly kept trying to shove her foot up my ass which hurt, i broke up a fight, made fun of Salem's freshmen cuz they sucked, andrea did something that surprised me but i liked it, talked with tom, got in a shit load of headlocks, watched the halftime show, hugged/cuddled with andrea alot.
drove andrea home, went home, watched football.
wewnt to the chiroractor today, they're gonna take xrays next week.
my parents are goin to the michigan game today, anyone wanna hang out?
i was gonna have my bro drive me and andrea to go see balls of fury, but she might be having a party today, but if she does im goin.
but my plans usually dont work so if anyone wants to hang out just call the home phone.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
off day, off week, off life
today i didnt do anything right.
my sub in WH got pissed at me
I failed in actually talking to andrea, so far all we've had are these fleeting conversations that last like 2 mins
i completely fucked up the biology lab today, and got my partner pissed at me
i couldn't write worth shit in math today,
I fucked up my sculpture a little bit
we won the game but i lost the battle, here are my stats:
playing time: 2 quarters
carries: 0
yards: 0
touchdowns: 0
fumbles: 0
defensive playing time: 0
tackles: 0
sacks: 0
hits: 0
pancake blocks: 0
coach was a bitch and wouldn't give me the ball or let me play defense.
so now im home.
and i'm talking with andrea, and she says she couldnt go to the game cuz she didnt have a ride. so i tell her that we can give her a ride, and then she goes all "well i want to avoid tha situation.." thanks, andrea, i can tell ur trying really hard.
and now katies riding my back for asking stupid questions.
and elise is all confused and i havent seen her in a while
and sahana is getting pretty much worse by the day
and no one really cares anymore
no one has ever really cared
thanks
for nothing
my sub in WH got pissed at me
I failed in actually talking to andrea, so far all we've had are these fleeting conversations that last like 2 mins
i completely fucked up the biology lab today, and got my partner pissed at me
i couldn't write worth shit in math today,
I fucked up my sculpture a little bit
we won the game but i lost the battle, here are my stats:
playing time: 2 quarters
carries: 0
yards: 0
touchdowns: 0
fumbles: 0
defensive playing time: 0
tackles: 0
sacks: 0
hits: 0
pancake blocks: 0
coach was a bitch and wouldn't give me the ball or let me play defense.
so now im home.
and i'm talking with andrea, and she says she couldnt go to the game cuz she didnt have a ride. so i tell her that we can give her a ride, and then she goes all "well i want to avoid tha situation.." thanks, andrea, i can tell ur trying really hard.
and now katies riding my back for asking stupid questions.
and elise is all confused and i havent seen her in a while
and sahana is getting pretty much worse by the day
and no one really cares anymore
no one has ever really cared
thanks
for nothing
Sunday, September 9, 2007
i snuck out last night :D
yeah, so i snuck out last night and went over to andreas house where she was having a sleepover with katie and lizzi. It was fun, obviously, but i think certain things coulda been better.
especially for the fucking effort of getting there...
si now im really congested and i cant breathe through my right nostril and im going on 5 hours of sleep and right now im rambling.
so today i go to church, come back, do chores, do homework, go to the church picnic for dinner, go to the boy scout court of honor, come home, go to bed.
F-U-N
u b a
c e z
k r i
i . s
n
g
especially for the fucking effort of getting there...
si now im really congested and i cant breathe through my right nostril and im going on 5 hours of sleep and right now im rambling.
so today i go to church, come back, do chores, do homework, go to the church picnic for dinner, go to the boy scout court of honor, come home, go to bed.
F-U-N
u b a
c e z
k r i
i . s
n
g
Friday, September 7, 2007
ok so im grounded
for the weekend
because i punched a hole in the wall because my mom hasnt given me my allowence for three weeks and wont give me it until i meet her demands, which of course is complete bullshit because i want to kill her and get her the fuck out of my life.
but other than that today was ok
actually was able to talk to/hug/hold hands with andrea today, so that was good.
practice was easy.
but i still feel like killing myself, just because my life would be so much easier if i was dead.
because i punched a hole in the wall because my mom hasnt given me my allowence for three weeks and wont give me it until i meet her demands, which of course is complete bullshit because i want to kill her and get her the fuck out of my life.
but other than that today was ok
actually was able to talk to/hug/hold hands with andrea today, so that was good.
practice was easy.
but i still feel like killing myself, just because my life would be so much easier if i was dead.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I don't even know where to start
ok so ill just list them off as they come to me
1st day of school ws possibly the worst day of my life, i went to bed at 9:30 and woke up crying twice in the middle of the night, after taking dramamine to fall asleep.
I have pretty much no friends in any of my classes, and those i do have in my classes, they're on the other side of the the fucking room.
we won today, 28-8. I got 4 penalties (2 offsides, 2 holding), only two were accepted. I ran the ball twice, once for 4 yards, once for 14. Had one pass and one completion for 13 yards ish.
Andrea didn't show up at another one of my games.
I'm drowning in Rise Against.
I had a test in Acc English today, which i probably bombed.
I was going to kill myself last night. I don't know what stopped me.
Saturday I'm going to the Michigan game.
I think I've retreated alot since the end of the last school year, I'm not as confident, outspoken, or friendly. I've decided I've pretty much lost all of my ability to talk to girls.
My locker wouldn't open yesterday so I had to carry everything around with me. I finally got it open today, thank god.
I feel extremely lonely right now.
Last night after the second time i woke up I felt seriously like puking.
My parents are still as bitchy as ever.
My mom just had foot surgery and since she's been off of the meds, she's been as mean and demanding as possible.
I want out, now.
1st day of school ws possibly the worst day of my life, i went to bed at 9:30 and woke up crying twice in the middle of the night, after taking dramamine to fall asleep.
I have pretty much no friends in any of my classes, and those i do have in my classes, they're on the other side of the the fucking room.
we won today, 28-8. I got 4 penalties (2 offsides, 2 holding), only two were accepted. I ran the ball twice, once for 4 yards, once for 14. Had one pass and one completion for 13 yards ish.
Andrea didn't show up at another one of my games.
I'm drowning in Rise Against.
I had a test in Acc English today, which i probably bombed.
I was going to kill myself last night. I don't know what stopped me.
Saturday I'm going to the Michigan game.
I think I've retreated alot since the end of the last school year, I'm not as confident, outspoken, or friendly. I've decided I've pretty much lost all of my ability to talk to girls.
My locker wouldn't open yesterday so I had to carry everything around with me. I finally got it open today, thank god.
I feel extremely lonely right now.
Last night after the second time i woke up I felt seriously like puking.
My parents are still as bitchy as ever.
My mom just had foot surgery and since she's been off of the meds, she's been as mean and demanding as possible.
I want out, now.
Friday, August 31, 2007
it's been a while..
so yeah, it's been a while since my last update, a week, i think, whatev.
so tomorow im thinking of getting andrea and goinmg to see balls fo fury and making my brother drive cuz he owes me.
my psychologist is as stupid as ever, asking the dumbist of shitty questions.
we won our last football game 34-6, i got 2 carries both for -2 yards, making my average a little under 4 yards per carry. almost blocked a punt, but didnt.
went to the CHS MB swim party last night, really boring, really really boring. everyone there had a bf/gf and they were all making out at one point or another, it got really annoying that you couldnt go anywhere and not see someone making out. plus it made me miss andrea just all that much more.
speaking of andrea i went by her house after the game 2 days ago and dropped off some cake which she says was delicious :D
i went out 'selling' yesterday but only ended up going over to ben shaw's house and playing Halo2 live on his 360 and like 50 in plasma screen.
I should be completely done with my reports tomorow morning.
i had the razor in my hand dancing across my arm two nights ago, but didnt do anything.
my moms still is a bitch
ditto for my dad and sister.
so tomorow im thinking of getting andrea and goinmg to see balls fo fury and making my brother drive cuz he owes me.
my psychologist is as stupid as ever, asking the dumbist of shitty questions.
we won our last football game 34-6, i got 2 carries both for -2 yards, making my average a little under 4 yards per carry. almost blocked a punt, but didnt.
went to the CHS MB swim party last night, really boring, really really boring. everyone there had a bf/gf and they were all making out at one point or another, it got really annoying that you couldnt go anywhere and not see someone making out. plus it made me miss andrea just all that much more.
speaking of andrea i went by her house after the game 2 days ago and dropped off some cake which she says was delicious :D
i went out 'selling' yesterday but only ended up going over to ben shaw's house and playing Halo2 live on his 360 and like 50 in plasma screen.
I should be completely done with my reports tomorow morning.
i had the razor in my hand dancing across my arm two nights ago, but didnt do anything.
my moms still is a bitch
ditto for my dad and sister.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
my weekend
saturday:
Grandparents house for grandma's birthday
sunday:
Church
Metamora to pick up my sister from band camp
maybe I'll have time after that to do something
I REALLY need to go over to someone's house and chill for a day
Grandparents house for grandma's birthday
sunday:
Church
Metamora to pick up my sister from band camp
maybe I'll have time after that to do something
I REALLY need to go over to someone's house and chill for a day
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
THIS IS FOR YOU ELISE :P
ok so this post is because elise was bothering me to update it
but other than that... not much has been going on in my life.
Ben's been asking me to hook him up with some non-prudish girl whos not short and not fat and not taken
Ive been replaced pretty much by Curtis at running back but yet im starting above him tomorow
Im still going out with andrea
I feel like i need to cuddle with someone (a girl preferably)
Tomorow's game is at 4:30 at CHS against East Lansing be there or die (jk)
My sisters at band camp
My grandma just called to tell us her surgery went good and shes alright now
I got a concussion on monday, a bone bruise on tuesday, and nothing today
Nat is still grounded for life
I still have to finish my summer reading
AAAnd i feel like i need to cuddle with andrea.
oh and for those of you who havent noticed, i repeat the thngs that are important to me
but other than that... not much has been going on in my life.
Ben's been asking me to hook him up with some non-prudish girl whos not short and not fat and not taken
Ive been replaced pretty much by Curtis at running back but yet im starting above him tomorow
Im still going out with andrea
I feel like i need to cuddle with someone (a girl preferably)
Tomorow's game is at 4:30 at CHS against East Lansing be there or die (jk)
My sisters at band camp
My grandma just called to tell us her surgery went good and shes alright now
I got a concussion on monday, a bone bruise on tuesday, and nothing today
Nat is still grounded for life
I still have to finish my summer reading
AAAnd i feel like i need to cuddle with andrea.
oh and for those of you who havent noticed, i repeat the thngs that are important to me
Monday, August 20, 2007
xD+x[
ok, so, i just got back from meet the team night, saw a lot of people i know, a lot of friends, but didn't really talk to anyone.
but the most AMAZING PART of my entire day IS::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
watching Christy do her pom/cheer/whatever thing on stage xDDD she looked soooo awkward and her mom saw me and just like, turned the other way? idk how to put it. anyways, when the act was all done and they took off their creepy faces, they were going down the stairs in a line... and.... she was pushed to the back of the line and was like standing there for like 30 seconds looking kinda awkward and VERY unaware of her body. like, everyone sitting in the first 30 rows coulda seen up her skirt if they wanted to (not that anyone ever would).
on a heavier note, i think i may have gotten a concussion today. i was walking off the field at the end of practice and my eye felt crooked and oddly hot (my left one). and ive been hydrated so you cant blame these headaches im getting (also on the left, a little closer to the eye than the temple) on dehydration or low blood sugar (cause i had dinner 2 hours ago). I think I'm gonna talk to the trainer about it tomorrow, but if i do that I might not be able to practice, and if i cant practice than i cant play, and if i cant play, than i just made the past 3 months of training completely worthless.
but the most AMAZING PART of my entire day IS::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
watching Christy do her pom/cheer/whatever thing on stage xDDD she looked soooo awkward and her mom saw me and just like, turned the other way? idk how to put it. anyways, when the act was all done and they took off their creepy faces, they were going down the stairs in a line... and.... she was pushed to the back of the line and was like standing there for like 30 seconds looking kinda awkward and VERY unaware of her body. like, everyone sitting in the first 30 rows coulda seen up her skirt if they wanted to (not that anyone ever would).
on a heavier note, i think i may have gotten a concussion today. i was walking off the field at the end of practice and my eye felt crooked and oddly hot (my left one). and ive been hydrated so you cant blame these headaches im getting (also on the left, a little closer to the eye than the temple) on dehydration or low blood sugar (cause i had dinner 2 hours ago). I think I'm gonna talk to the trainer about it tomorrow, but if i do that I might not be able to practice, and if i cant practice than i cant play, and if i cant play, than i just made the past 3 months of training completely worthless.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
guys, gals, please dont cry.
It is my regretfulm duty to inform you that today is the day that I die. I do not wish to make a big scene out of it or anything, I just want you all to know this is not your fault. I want you all to know that I love you and I don't want any of you to do what I will be doing. I want you to forget I ever existed and go on with your lives. I'm not quite sure when I'll go do it, I just know it will be today.
My dad has told me that if I don't 'Shape up' as in become a prude/goody good like he wants me to. He'll take me out of football and won't let me do pretty much anything. I can't get happy, even the football games aren't good enough to make me happy.
So since Im gonna die today, I might as well tell all or most. I have been mentally abused since i can remember, I've also been physically abused by my brother, who has anger issues. Anytime anyone asks me if something is wrong, I allways end up saying nothing even though it is everything. Anytime I tell someone nothing is wrong and i tell them "Im just tired," it usually means that I'm thinking about killing myself and I don't want to worry you with it. I have tried to kill myself, 3 times now. 2 by pills and one by drowning. somedays i want to light the house on fire and go to sleep inside. I hate my family, but you all knew that, I couldn't love them if I tried. I miss love, happiness, and joy. I hope I'll find them where I'm going.
My dad has told me that if I don't 'Shape up' as in become a prude/goody good like he wants me to. He'll take me out of football and won't let me do pretty much anything. I can't get happy, even the football games aren't good enough to make me happy.
So since Im gonna die today, I might as well tell all or most. I have been mentally abused since i can remember, I've also been physically abused by my brother, who has anger issues. Anytime anyone asks me if something is wrong, I allways end up saying nothing even though it is everything. Anytime I tell someone nothing is wrong and i tell them "Im just tired," it usually means that I'm thinking about killing myself and I don't want to worry you with it. I have tried to kill myself, 3 times now. 2 by pills and one by drowning. somedays i want to light the house on fire and go to sleep inside. I hate my family, but you all knew that, I couldn't love them if I tried. I miss love, happiness, and joy. I hope I'll find them where I'm going.
Friday, August 17, 2007
edited post
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Thursday, August 16, 2007
It was all worth it
Whatever i dais about football being a pain in the ass, i take it all back.
It was all worht it, all worth it to see that hole, to spring through it, to cut back and make the free safety break his ankles, to be spun tackled in to the endzone at the end of my 28 yrd run. It was all worth it.
oh, and the fact that i also got another 30 yrd run was just icing on the cake (although it couldve been a touchdown).
And just think, the regular season hasn't even started yet :]
It was all worht it, all worth it to see that hole, to spring through it, to cut back and make the free safety break his ankles, to be spun tackled in to the endzone at the end of my 28 yrd run. It was all worth it.
oh, and the fact that i also got another 30 yrd run was just icing on the cake (although it couldve been a touchdown).
And just think, the regular season hasn't even started yet :]
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Getting things Twizted
ok, so,
Andrea and i have been kinda flirting, and shes admitted to liking me still and that she wants to see me and she knows im single...
HOWEVER, I still love katie, i really really really dont want to hurt her, but the thing is... both relationships have hurt me and helped me!!!
I don't want to put off one for the other, or be forced to choose between the two, i mean, earlier today katie was talking about how she wanted me to be her bf again!
and i was being brutally honest with katie about it and apparently i said something wrong... whatever happened to the whole "im happy if your happy" thing you said 5 mins earlier?!?!?!?
shit, girls get me all screwed up, I want to wait for katie, but I also want to go out with Andrea cuz i think our first try just got screwed over by something neither of us could handle at the time.
KATIE:
Pros:
-Has promised me that the break is until school starts up again and we r both open
Cons:
-Doesn't trust me as much as she should
-Has already accused me of two timing her
-Might be having to spend her future summers someplace out of state due to a moving parent
-Still hasn't stopped
ANDREA:
Pros:
-Been out with once, givin time to think about it, and apparently she wants to again
-Isn't afraid to stand up and voice out her opinion
-Doesn't shy away from a challenge
-Keeps her promises even after the conditions for them have broken
-Many, many good times with her
-Has promised to go to every football game
-Stopped when i asked her to
Cons:
-Kinda short (i know that sounds shallow)
-Already hurt me... a lot
-I have almost no way of telling when shes lying or not
GAH WTF SOME1 PLZ SHOOT ME
Andrea and i have been kinda flirting, and shes admitted to liking me still and that she wants to see me and she knows im single...
HOWEVER, I still love katie, i really really really dont want to hurt her, but the thing is... both relationships have hurt me and helped me!!!
I don't want to put off one for the other, or be forced to choose between the two, i mean, earlier today katie was talking about how she wanted me to be her bf again!
and i was being brutally honest with katie about it and apparently i said something wrong... whatever happened to the whole "im happy if your happy" thing you said 5 mins earlier?!?!?!?
shit, girls get me all screwed up, I want to wait for katie, but I also want to go out with Andrea cuz i think our first try just got screwed over by something neither of us could handle at the time.
KATIE:
Pros:
-Has promised me that the break is until school starts up again and we r both open
Cons:
-Doesn't trust me as much as she should
-Has already accused me of two timing her
-Might be having to spend her future summers someplace out of state due to a moving parent
-Still hasn't stopped
ANDREA:
Pros:
-Been out with once, givin time to think about it, and apparently she wants to again
-Isn't afraid to stand up and voice out her opinion
-Doesn't shy away from a challenge
-Keeps her promises even after the conditions for them have broken
-Many, many good times with her
-Has promised to go to every football game
-Stopped when i asked her to
Cons:
-Kinda short (i know that sounds shallow)
-Already hurt me... a lot
-I have almost no way of telling when shes lying or not
GAH WTF SOME1 PLZ SHOOT ME
Monday, August 13, 2007
xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
LOL
my bro thinks ive been going through his stuff apparently...
cuz i walked into my room with a note from him saying "here, if you need anymore just tell me, NOW STOP GOING THROUGH MY STUFF!"
and it was folded and inside was a condom xD
why would he assume that i;
1:would be going through his room
2:that if i was... i was looking for condoms?
Thanks bro!
my bro thinks ive been going through his stuff apparently...
cuz i walked into my room with a note from him saying "here, if you need anymore just tell me, NOW STOP GOING THROUGH MY STUFF!"
and it was folded and inside was a condom xD
why would he assume that i;
1:would be going through his room
2:that if i was... i was looking for condoms?
Thanks bro!
mass confusion on a wide spread basis?
well here are the things currently going on in my life:
talking w/friends about suicide, running awya, etc.
taking a break w/katie until school starts up again (yay?)
kicking ass and getting my ass kicked at football
being sore
my finger hurts
tomorow is my last two a day of the year so my schedule will be more open after thursday
Ive been catching up with a lot of my old football buddies
did i say my finger hurts? i think i sprained it
i really really want to hold someone
my finger hurts
i have massive tanlines from my pads
my sisters 17th bday party was yesterday (wohoo?)
im averaging 6 hours of sleep a night
i still have most of my summer reading to do
my feet hurt
my finger hurts
i actually went an entire practice w/o getting yelled at by coach :o
i wish i could hang out with you guys, i really miss my non-football friends
FOOTBALL IS CONSUMING MY LIFE!!
talking w/friends about suicide, running awya, etc.
taking a break w/katie until school starts up again (yay?)
kicking ass and getting my ass kicked at football
being sore
my finger hurts
tomorow is my last two a day of the year so my schedule will be more open after thursday
Ive been catching up with a lot of my old football buddies
did i say my finger hurts? i think i sprained it
i really really want to hold someone
my finger hurts
i have massive tanlines from my pads
my sisters 17th bday party was yesterday (wohoo?)
im averaging 6 hours of sleep a night
i still have most of my summer reading to do
my feet hurt
my finger hurts
i actually went an entire practice w/o getting yelled at by coach :o
i wish i could hang out with you guys, i really miss my non-football friends
FOOTBALL IS CONSUMING MY LIFE!!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
sad?
i think im in a very depressed state and i have been for a while...
I cant seem to get happy, I want to cut, I want to run, I want to fly and fall and die, I want to dissappear and never reappear, I want to Crawl away from a good brawl, I want others to understand that liffe isn't as light for me as it is for them, I want everyone to see that love is hate and hate is love, I want to know that there's someone, SOMEONE, who no matter what i say will give me a hug or cuddle with me and tell me I did the right thing, I want a cat to just lie in my bed and let me wrap my self around it, so i could feel it's warmth and know that something is still out there besides me, I want to be able to take a shower w/o standing perfectly still for 5 minutes just thinking about all the shit ive done, I want to not cry every time i lie down, I want people to see what life is like for me.
I cant seem to get happy, I want to cut, I want to run, I want to fly and fall and die, I want to dissappear and never reappear, I want to Crawl away from a good brawl, I want others to understand that liffe isn't as light for me as it is for them, I want everyone to see that love is hate and hate is love, I want to know that there's someone, SOMEONE, who no matter what i say will give me a hug or cuddle with me and tell me I did the right thing, I want a cat to just lie in my bed and let me wrap my self around it, so i could feel it's warmth and know that something is still out there besides me, I want to be able to take a shower w/o standing perfectly still for 5 minutes just thinking about all the shit ive done, I want to not cry every time i lie down, I want people to see what life is like for me.
masochist?
i think i may be one,
heres a list of things i do:
~cut and it feels good
~love how precise the pain of a needle is
~enjoy getting run over in football
~like pushing bruises on myself just to feel pain
~punch walls
~smash my head into walls
~let my hand get continually hit by a really fast fan blade cuz it feels good
~take scalding hot (to the point of really painful) water and soak in it
~i like to get a pulled muscle, so i can hurt myself and no one notices
~i like to exhale/hold my breath until my chest feels like imploding and i get light headed
~i liked throwing shot put cuz i could kick around an 8-10 lb ball, hurt my feet, and no one would notice
~i like sliding on my knees and getting my legs entirely cut up
thats all i can think of now
heres a list of things i do:
~cut and it feels good
~love how precise the pain of a needle is
~enjoy getting run over in football
~like pushing bruises on myself just to feel pain
~punch walls
~smash my head into walls
~let my hand get continually hit by a really fast fan blade cuz it feels good
~take scalding hot (to the point of really painful) water and soak in it
~i like to get a pulled muscle, so i can hurt myself and no one notices
~i like to exhale/hold my breath until my chest feels like imploding and i get light headed
~i liked throwing shot put cuz i could kick around an 8-10 lb ball, hurt my feet, and no one would notice
~i like sliding on my knees and getting my legs entirely cut up
thats all i can think of now
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
FUCK YES!!!!
WE START HITTING IN FOOTBALL TOMOROW!!!!!!! FUCCKKKK YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
nothing more to say
nothing more to say
Monday, August 6, 2007
:[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
2 a days FUCKING SUCK ASS HARD
starting at 7, ending at 3:30 isnt my type of fun.
alls i want to do is go to bed/relax, but i had to go to my psychologist today, and then eat dinner, and now i have to do dishes and its fucking 8:15 at night.
i hate how my family has no empathy.
starting at 7, ending at 3:30 isnt my type of fun.
alls i want to do is go to bed/relax, but i had to go to my psychologist today, and then eat dinner, and now i have to do dishes and its fucking 8:15 at night.
i hate how my family has no empathy.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
soccer!
ok, so i just got back from katie's soccer game, she lost :[ but it was ok.
I got up at 7:30 to take a shower, ate breakfast blabdebla, than went over to her moms house at 9 where i went on the comp and waited until i was told it was time to go. we left, picked up her grandma, went to Macdonald's (i wasnt hungry so i just got a coke), and eventually arrived at the place.
I was freezing. idk why, but i was freezing.
the game was kinda boring, 0-0 at the half (i played catch at the half), and then the other team scored 2 goals, katie's scored one, then the other team scored again, making the final score 3-1 we lose :[.
went home with her dad where i FINALLY got to read her poems, they aren't as bad as she thinks they are, some repetition, but if you look at mine, i have a lot of shared themes/sentences.
and now im home, i have to make dinner (hamburgers and broccoli, easy) and then im free for the rest of the day.
I got up at 7:30 to take a shower, ate breakfast blabdebla, than went over to her moms house at 9 where i went on the comp and waited until i was told it was time to go. we left, picked up her grandma, went to Macdonald's (i wasnt hungry so i just got a coke), and eventually arrived at the place.
I was freezing. idk why, but i was freezing.
the game was kinda boring, 0-0 at the half (i played catch at the half), and then the other team scored 2 goals, katie's scored one, then the other team scored again, making the final score 3-1 we lose :[.
went home with her dad where i FINALLY got to read her poems, they aren't as bad as she thinks they are, some repetition, but if you look at mine, i have a lot of shared themes/sentences.
and now im home, i have to make dinner (hamburgers and broccoli, easy) and then im free for the rest of the day.
Friday, August 3, 2007
...
suicide, death,
they bate his breath,
blood, gore,
he wants more,
cut, slice,
it's never nice,
shot dead,
a bullet in his head,
jump, fall,
this will end it all
catch, snap,
quickly breaks his back,
needle, toxic,
this should be quick,
lonely, sad,
oh well, too bad,
almost over, almost done,
he's glad that he had this fun.
they bate his breath,
blood, gore,
he wants more,
cut, slice,
it's never nice,
shot dead,
a bullet in his head,
jump, fall,
this will end it all
catch, snap,
quickly breaks his back,
needle, toxic,
this should be quick,
lonely, sad,
oh well, too bad,
almost over, almost done,
he's glad that he had this fun.
i feel like running again
Im not entirely sure what set it off, but I feel like running again.
maybe it was the thoughts this morning where i felt like i was losing katie
maybe it was when people mentioned that i never seem to be happy and i think about it and they're right, i never can seem to be happy, and when i am, it allways ends up worse... example: cedar point; good day, lots of fun, was happy, then bus ride home and i ended up crying in front of everyone
maybe it was when my parents brought up the Szado's (longtime family friend) and how they were moving cuz their oldest blew up a car and they want to start over
maybe it was my mom so bluntley asking me about whether or not i had cut in a while that made me feel like i dont belong here
maybe it was the fact that i felt like football was killing me, not helping me
maybe it was the coach promoting stereotypes that made me feel like this place was bullshit
idk... but i just feel like running, somewhere, anywhere, not here, not established, some woods somewhere, i think i could make it, and if not/ oh well, ill have been presumed dead by then anyways.
maybe it was the thoughts this morning where i felt like i was losing katie
maybe it was when people mentioned that i never seem to be happy and i think about it and they're right, i never can seem to be happy, and when i am, it allways ends up worse... example: cedar point; good day, lots of fun, was happy, then bus ride home and i ended up crying in front of everyone
maybe it was when my parents brought up the Szado's (longtime family friend) and how they were moving cuz their oldest blew up a car and they want to start over
maybe it was my mom so bluntley asking me about whether or not i had cut in a while that made me feel like i dont belong here
maybe it was the fact that i felt like football was killing me, not helping me
maybe it was the coach promoting stereotypes that made me feel like this place was bullshit
idk... but i just feel like running, somewhere, anywhere, not here, not established, some woods somewhere, i think i could make it, and if not/ oh well, ill have been presumed dead by then anyways.
What would you change about me?
I really want to know, I mean, just because IDK what you guys think of me unless I get some feedback...
answers so far:
less horny
happy
happy
less of an ashole
answers so far:
less horny
happy
happy
less of an ashole
Thursday, August 2, 2007
should I?
well it depends...
whos in your band?
when do you meet up/practice?
Where do you practice?
If you want to... you could work with some of my songs and I'll see what you got, ok?
peace
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Josh
Date: 01 Aug 2007, 09:26 PM
.....your poems/lyrics, that is. lol, not in a stromberg way.
in fact, you are so good that i was wondering if you would be interested in writing lyrics for my band/letting us use your stuff. idk if u have ever done this before or not (letting a band use ur stuff), but we arent particularly good at writing them (whereas u are AMAZING).
obviously u get credit where credit is due (on the album, etc) and if we ever make any money.... well, we can cross that bridge when we get there.
let me kno what u think.
whos in your band?
when do you meet up/practice?
Where do you practice?
If you want to... you could work with some of my songs and I'll see what you got, ok?
peace
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Josh
Date: 01 Aug 2007, 09:26 PM
.....your poems/lyrics, that is. lol, not in a stromberg way.
in fact, you are so good that i was wondering if you would be interested in writing lyrics for my band/letting us use your stuff. idk if u have ever done this before or not (letting a band use ur stuff), but we arent particularly good at writing them (whereas u are AMAZING).
obviously u get credit where credit is due (on the album, etc) and if we ever make any money.... well, we can cross that bridge when we get there.
let me kno what u think.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
=D
for the first time since last thursday, I'm actually happy. Tired, but happy too.
Saw Simpsons Movie at Canton cinema at 1:10 w/Katie. Had some fun, I like the movie, lots of unexpected parts. The only bad parts were that there was an old creepy black guy who kept looking over at us, and a family on the other side that was constantly walking by.
Dropped her off at home, went back to G+G's house, had pizza, left for football.
Practice=HELL. end of story, first day I actually took my shirt off... "Hey Berger, how do you like my six pack?" "Pretty nice man... check out my *lifts up shirt*..." "Keg?" "Yeah..." =D
Ran our asses off, legs off, balls off, dicks off, abs off, feet off, etc. off.
But other than the excrutiating cramps and the whole running nonstop for 13 mins with a cramp... and the badgers, Practice was ok.
Oh, and another thing thats been making me happy recently, is YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!! "sry katie, but I think I'm in love with youtube" "ME TOO!!!"
Saw Simpsons Movie at Canton cinema at 1:10 w/Katie. Had some fun, I like the movie, lots of unexpected parts. The only bad parts were that there was an old creepy black guy who kept looking over at us, and a family on the other side that was constantly walking by.
Dropped her off at home, went back to G+G's house, had pizza, left for football.
Practice=HELL. end of story, first day I actually took my shirt off... "Hey Berger, how do you like my six pack?" "Pretty nice man... check out my *lifts up shirt*..." "Keg?" "Yeah..." =D
Ran our asses off, legs off, balls off, dicks off, abs off, feet off, etc. off.
But other than the excrutiating cramps and the whole running nonstop for 13 mins with a cramp... and the badgers, Practice was ok.
Oh, and another thing thats been making me happy recently, is YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!! "sry katie, but I think I'm in love with youtube" "ME TOO!!!"
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
lets see...
well, not much to blog on so far this week. Random loooonnngg hour convo's with my granparents who like to relish in the past, boringness online, watching some tv shows i would never be allowed to wach at home, and today we're gonna go glow-putting.
Yesterday was really a downer day for me. I didn't really do much, and a little after lunch I just felt kinda sick, but I wasn't it was just my mentality. I was having the same reoccuring thoughts/memories that was having last year when I started cutting. I felt really really lonely and like I wanted to die/run away. Thank you Nat for helping me.
Well those feelings started to lift at around 11 last night... and I was able to relax and watch TV until like 1:30.
and now Im bored again
Yesterday was really a downer day for me. I didn't really do much, and a little after lunch I just felt kinda sick, but I wasn't it was just my mentality. I was having the same reoccuring thoughts/memories that was having last year when I started cutting. I felt really really lonely and like I wanted to die/run away. Thank you Nat for helping me.
Well those feelings started to lift at around 11 last night... and I was able to relax and watch TV until like 1:30.
and now Im bored again
Monday, July 30, 2007
Old people
Ive decided that the day I become old, frail, and senile, is the day that I will jump off of a bridge. Old people are too much of a hassle for the community, no one should live past 65.
Im at my grandparents all week. don't call, don't text. Leave me messages on myspace or something.
Im at my grandparents all week. don't call, don't text. Leave me messages on myspace or something.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
...
I also feel like cutting
Because
I feel like crying
But the tears just won't come
I feel Weak
Because I... I'm not doing anything right.
Someone, Please help me.
Because
I feel like crying
But the tears just won't come
I feel Weak
Because I... I'm not doing anything right.
Someone, Please help me.
I feel
lonely
Katie just told me that she can't come over today.
I haven't seen anyone since Thursday.
Friday=chores
Saturday=chores
today=chores
I lead a very boring, lonely life
I miss everyone
all of my friends
I miss school
I feel sick
Sick of this shit hole house
Sick of my parents who lord over me
Sick of nothing good happening
Sick of everything that should be good going bad
Sick of lying awake every night making plans to do something fun that never works out
Sick of trying
I'm sick of it, all of it.
I just want to know some one is there
someone who I can actually see in person
but that will never happen
your all out
doing stuff
what I wouldn't give to see a friend right now
Katie just told me that she can't come over today.
I haven't seen anyone since Thursday.
Friday=chores
Saturday=chores
today=chores
I lead a very boring, lonely life
I miss everyone
all of my friends
I miss school
I feel sick
Sick of this shit hole house
Sick of my parents who lord over me
Sick of nothing good happening
Sick of everything that should be good going bad
Sick of lying awake every night making plans to do something fun that never works out
Sick of trying
I'm sick of it, all of it.
I just want to know some one is there
someone who I can actually see in person
but that will never happen
your all out
doing stuff
what I wouldn't give to see a friend right now
Friday, July 27, 2007
You seen this?
this is what some seniors put up on myspace for the 'Churchill' school group thing:
"
Dear Freshman,
Congrats....now you're the lowest of the low, Here are just a few helpful words of advice:
1) You are not cool.
2) Everyone does hate you.
3) You are annoying.
4) JOIN the choir class
- Sex doesn't make you cool & it won't make the upper-class boys think any higher of you. So don't go around bragging about it, no one cares & then you look like an easy freshman whore.. just leave all the slutty things you did in 8th grade in middle school.
- dont brag about the number of seniors you know. The more u brag, the more we can tell youre a freshman.
- You are a F-R-E-S-H-M-A-N.. not a "freshie" - shut up, you sound like a queer
- Don't walk around telling upperclassmen you're not all stupid freshman, we don't care, we're still calling you one.
-Respect your teachers and your peers. Getting written up everyday and purposely failing really doesn't look cool, we may laugh but it is at you for your ignorance. If your going to waste time and school board money on bullshitting around just drop out your a lost cause and your really not that cool. people talk down about you behind your back.
- Dont think you're smart because you filled up water bottles with vodka/ or coke bottles with bacardi and snuck it onto your 8th grade field trip. We've all done it.. so don't be proud.
- Don't post things like "FINALLY A FRESHIE!! LOLZZZ" on myspace. If anything, you suck big time.
- DO NOT think that the upper-class girls are your best friends.. they will just laugh at you.
-Do not wear ripped jeans and an Abercrombie shirt because you want to make "a variety of friends."
-If you are going to try and rebel, it most likely won't work.
- Don't think that you have privacy now. Once you're here.. Your business is everyone's business.
-Dont tell everyone you love your boyfriend after 2 days, you're an idiot.
- Don't try to sit at upperclassmen lunch tables. You will be picked up and thrown onto the floor.
- dont tell your friends that youre busy after school and tell them u have to go meet your friends in the jr./sr. parking lot, we all know your brother/sisters just taking you home.
- You'll never be as hot as the '08, '09, & '10 girls. So don't try.
- To all freshman guys, you can't get with the class of '08 & '09 & '10 girls.
- Don't try to say you're older than you really are. The way you walk, dress & talk just has freshman written all over you.
- Your name is "the class of 11." HAHA.. enough said.
-Don' t try to pull that shit "Well you were freshmen once..." STOP! We know that we were freshmen, but we arent anymore so shut the fuck up.
-The day you mess with our boyfriend/girlfriend, you'll never enjoy high school again, b****.
- Don't be a slut. This should be the number one rule.
- DO NOT crowd our halls like cattle, because the upper classmen can (& most likely will), push you out of the way. You WILL get hurt
-To all the freshman guys, we know your balls haven't dropped yet. That's why you still sound like Mickey Mouse. Don't go around bragging how big your d*** is or how huge your balls are. We all know you're lying.
Welcome to hell. =]
Believe me---You CANT win. Have FUN being a freshman...for a fun-filled year with NO life and NO opinion whatsoever.
Sincerely,
The Classes of '08, '09 &'10
"
kinda stupid, no?
"
Dear Freshman,
Congrats....now you're the lowest of the low, Here are just a few helpful words of advice:
1) You are not cool.
2) Everyone does hate you.
3) You are annoying.
4) JOIN the choir class
- Sex doesn't make you cool & it won't make the upper-class boys think any higher of you. So don't go around bragging about it, no one cares & then you look like an easy freshman whore.. just leave all the slutty things you did in 8th grade in middle school.
- dont brag about the number of seniors you know. The more u brag, the more we can tell youre a freshman.
- You are a F-R-E-S-H-M-A-N.. not a "freshie" - shut up, you sound like a queer
- Don't walk around telling upperclassmen you're not all stupid freshman, we don't care, we're still calling you one.
-Respect your teachers and your peers. Getting written up everyday and purposely failing really doesn't look cool, we may laugh but it is at you for your ignorance. If your going to waste time and school board money on bullshitting around just drop out your a lost cause and your really not that cool. people talk down about you behind your back.
- Dont think you're smart because you filled up water bottles with vodka/ or coke bottles with bacardi and snuck it onto your 8th grade field trip. We've all done it.. so don't be proud.
- Don't post things like "FINALLY A FRESHIE!! LOLZZZ" on myspace. If anything, you suck big time.
- DO NOT think that the upper-class girls are your best friends.. they will just laugh at you.
-Do not wear ripped jeans and an Abercrombie shirt because you want to make "a variety of friends."
-If you are going to try and rebel, it most likely won't work.
- Don't think that you have privacy now. Once you're here.. Your business is everyone's business.
-Dont tell everyone you love your boyfriend after 2 days, you're an idiot.
- Don't try to sit at upperclassmen lunch tables. You will be picked up and thrown onto the floor.
- dont tell your friends that youre busy after school and tell them u have to go meet your friends in the jr./sr. parking lot, we all know your brother/sisters just taking you home.
- You'll never be as hot as the '08, '09, & '10 girls. So don't try.
- To all freshman guys, you can't get with the class of '08 & '09 & '10 girls.
- Don't try to say you're older than you really are. The way you walk, dress & talk just has freshman written all over you.
- Your name is "the class of 11." HAHA.. enough said.
-Don' t try to pull that shit "Well you were freshmen once..." STOP! We know that we were freshmen, but we arent anymore so shut the fuck up.
-The day you mess with our boyfriend/girlfriend, you'll never enjoy high school again, b****.
- Don't be a slut. This should be the number one rule.
- DO NOT crowd our halls like cattle, because the upper classmen can (& most likely will), push you out of the way. You WILL get hurt
-To all the freshman guys, we know your balls haven't dropped yet. That's why you still sound like Mickey Mouse. Don't go around bragging how big your d*** is or how huge your balls are. We all know you're lying.
Welcome to hell. =]
Believe me---You CANT win. Have FUN being a freshman...for a fun-filled year with NO life and NO opinion whatsoever.
Sincerely,
The Classes of '08, '09 &'10
"
kinda stupid, no?
Apologies
Teri:
I'm sorry for posting that argument between me and Christy and I'm sorry for ever bringing up you and Fry in the argument in the first place. I'm sorry for Cedar Point, we never should have done anything, thank god we didn't do anything we would've really regretted.
Elise:
I'm sorry for being mean to you at times, like saying that you look like a man. I'm sorry for all of those times where I've made you feel bad.
Sahana:
I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I should've seen what was going on and seperated myself from you as fast as possible so you wouldn't have been hurt as much. I'm sorry for joking around with you about the matter to which will not bring up here, but please, please stop. All your doing is increasing your potential to hurt yourself and others in the future.
Kayleigh:
I'm sorry for being an asshole to you over the past year.
Katie M.:
I'm sorry for jumping in to a relationship with you right after you had broken up with Ethan, I should've realised that you would need your space and backed off.
Katie C.:
I'm sorry for cheating on you. I'm sorry for not stoping. I'm sorry for everything and anything I've done that has hurt you. I'm sorry I can't see you more.
Family:
I'm sorry I'm not exactly what you want. I'm sorry that I'll never be as good a student as Joe and Dad, or as good a musician as Mom, or as good an athlete as Sharon. I'm sorry that I don't meet up to your standards. I'm sorry that I don't do everything that you want me to, and I'm sorry that the things I do aren't allways done on time.
Christy:
I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry that I did cheat on you the day we broke up. I'm sorry that I didn't realise what was going on and break up with you sooner. I'm sorry for everything I said, and I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Connie:
I'm sorry if anything I've ever done has stepped over the line. I'm sorry that life has handed you so much shit to deal with.
Nat:
I'm sorry for not stoping when I should've. It would've saved us both a lot of trouble. I'm sorry for choosing Andrea over you. I'm sorry I ever misjudged you.
Everyone:
I'm sorry if I ever was an asshole to anyone of you. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for posting that argument between me and Christy and I'm sorry for ever bringing up you and Fry in the argument in the first place. I'm sorry for Cedar Point, we never should have done anything, thank god we didn't do anything we would've really regretted.
Elise:
I'm sorry for being mean to you at times, like saying that you look like a man. I'm sorry for all of those times where I've made you feel bad.
Sahana:
I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I should've seen what was going on and seperated myself from you as fast as possible so you wouldn't have been hurt as much. I'm sorry for joking around with you about the matter to which will not bring up here, but please, please stop. All your doing is increasing your potential to hurt yourself and others in the future.
Kayleigh:
I'm sorry for being an asshole to you over the past year.
Katie M.:
I'm sorry for jumping in to a relationship with you right after you had broken up with Ethan, I should've realised that you would need your space and backed off.
Katie C.:
I'm sorry for cheating on you. I'm sorry for not stoping. I'm sorry for everything and anything I've done that has hurt you. I'm sorry I can't see you more.
Family:
I'm sorry I'm not exactly what you want. I'm sorry that I'll never be as good a student as Joe and Dad, or as good a musician as Mom, or as good an athlete as Sharon. I'm sorry that I don't meet up to your standards. I'm sorry that I don't do everything that you want me to, and I'm sorry that the things I do aren't allways done on time.
Christy:
I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry that I did cheat on you the day we broke up. I'm sorry that I didn't realise what was going on and break up with you sooner. I'm sorry for everything I said, and I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Connie:
I'm sorry if anything I've ever done has stepped over the line. I'm sorry that life has handed you so much shit to deal with.
Nat:
I'm sorry for not stoping when I should've. It would've saved us both a lot of trouble. I'm sorry for choosing Andrea over you. I'm sorry I ever misjudged you.
Everyone:
I'm sorry if I ever was an asshole to anyone of you. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you. I'm sorry.
~.~
I just had the weirdest night of sleep ever.
I took a nap at 4:30pm yesterday... but i didn't wake up until 9:30
So i stayed up until 2am
and then slept until 10:30am
thats like... 13.5 hours of sleep
yeah, i would say i was tired...
You shoulda heard the storms last night, there was a good one at 11:30 and another that went from 1:30 past when I fell asleep. It was amazing.
Lightning was lighting up my windows and shit. I loved it.
I took a nap at 4:30pm yesterday... but i didn't wake up until 9:30
So i stayed up until 2am
and then slept until 10:30am
thats like... 13.5 hours of sleep
yeah, i would say i was tired...
You shoulda heard the storms last night, there was a good one at 11:30 and another that went from 1:30 past when I fell asleep. It was amazing.
Lightning was lighting up my windows and shit. I loved it.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
oh shit
im turning my phone off... pretty much for good
I only have 13 mins left for the year so call my house phone
542-0802 same area code as my cell
and no texting either
I only have 13 mins left for the year so call my house phone
542-0802 same area code as my cell
and no texting either
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I need
A hug
from a friend
not my family
just a friend who can hug me and tell me everything is going to be allright
from a friend
not my family
just a friend who can hug me and tell me everything is going to be allright
?
Ever felt like life was like a dog chasing it's tail?
Theres allways something you want to get, and you keep on trying for it, as hard as you can, keep going, your almost there!
and then when you get there or get that thing... it isn't as fun/good as you thought it would be.
So you let it go.
And then after a while you notice something else that interests you, so you chase it.
and on and on and on.
and the younger the dog is, the more excited it is when it chases it's tail.
The older a dog is, the less he wants to because he's got 'better' things to do.
Theres allways something you want to get, and you keep on trying for it, as hard as you can, keep going, your almost there!
and then when you get there or get that thing... it isn't as fun/good as you thought it would be.
So you let it go.
And then after a while you notice something else that interests you, so you chase it.
and on and on and on.
and the younger the dog is, the more excited it is when it chases it's tail.
The older a dog is, the less he wants to because he's got 'better' things to do.
Have you ever...?
Noticed how much people change and are different from when they are in public and when they are behind closed doors?
Felt that everyones efforts to keep you here just make you want to leave more?
Felt seriously like death?
Tried your hardest and still wasn't good enough?
Saw someone try and fail, and then knowing you've been in that spot tried to help them out but didn't know how?
Had a one way conversation with someone who you don't even really know and they're judging you?
Told someone you thought you were going crazy?
Felt like you were getting left behind on purpose?
Gotten bad grades just to piss someone off?
Felt that everyones efforts to keep you here just make you want to leave more?
Felt seriously like death?
Tried your hardest and still wasn't good enough?
Saw someone try and fail, and then knowing you've been in that spot tried to help them out but didn't know how?
Had a one way conversation with someone who you don't even really know and they're judging you?
Told someone you thought you were going crazy?
Felt like you were getting left behind on purpose?
Gotten bad grades just to piss someone off?
Sunday, July 22, 2007
?
I really do what would happen if I ran away with katie... I think I'm prepared for it...
I mean, packing stuff wouldnt be that hard...
-pup tent
-matches
-2 sleeping bags
-2 backpacks (she would get the smaller one
-4 flashlights (JIC)
-food could be bought/stolen/brought
-I could steal about 100$ from my parents if I wanted to run away
-I have a few knives for protection if needed
-I would bring my cell but keep it off except for emergencies
-I have more than enough first aid kits I could take
-I do have basic medical training and can teach it quite easily
-I do know CPR
-Gas stations could be used as bathrooms
-Cards are easily accessible for free time
-I would want some paper for my poetry
-I could easily pack a bunch of bottled waters
-I could take a few needles and a bunch of thread if our cloths get ripped (yes I know how to sew)
so thats my list...
I'm not gonna tell you where we would stay because... DUH that defeats the purpose of running away...
if I were to run with her, I would go sometime soon, and 'd go before it even started to think about getting cold.
We'd test out one place and if we liked it, we'd keep running, south, to a warmer place.
I think Tennessee would be nice.
we could get adopted being pretend orphans. we'd stick together, although I wonder if they'd notice anything to friendly that siblings wouldn't do... prbbly so scratch that idea.
Im open to suggestions if Ive forgotten anything.
I mean, packing stuff wouldnt be that hard...
-pup tent
-matches
-2 sleeping bags
-2 backpacks (she would get the smaller one
-4 flashlights (JIC)
-food could be bought/stolen/brought
-I could steal about 100$ from my parents if I wanted to run away
-I have a few knives for protection if needed
-I would bring my cell but keep it off except for emergencies
-I have more than enough first aid kits I could take
-I do have basic medical training and can teach it quite easily
-I do know CPR
-Gas stations could be used as bathrooms
-Cards are easily accessible for free time
-I would want some paper for my poetry
-I could easily pack a bunch of bottled waters
-I could take a few needles and a bunch of thread if our cloths get ripped (yes I know how to sew)
so thats my list...
I'm not gonna tell you where we would stay because... DUH that defeats the purpose of running away...
if I were to run with her, I would go sometime soon, and 'd go before it even started to think about getting cold.
We'd test out one place and if we liked it, we'd keep running, south, to a warmer place.
I think Tennessee would be nice.
we could get adopted being pretend orphans. we'd stick together, although I wonder if they'd notice anything to friendly that siblings wouldn't do... prbbly so scratch that idea.
Im open to suggestions if Ive forgotten anything.
confession
I wrote this song for katie, today it's about my confession at the HP party.
I was thinking about the melody of 'The Story of my old Man' for this song (slightly extended of course) the 'one day he woke up' part
As you sit there wondering how life could be so bad,
I sit there next to you, I'm sorry to make you sad,
But the truth is, that I know I love her too,
I never lied to either when I told them 'I love you,"
The difference is whether it was friend or more,
Now I fell like dying to the core,
My heart is torn because of one horny girl,
the thoughts running through my mind seem to swirl,
But you sit there still, not a thing to say,
What do I do? Do i go or do I stay?
Torn into pieces and left to die,
I'm sorry that I made you cry,
And now as these hours fly on by,
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
"Are you going to break up with me?" I hear you say,
"No," I reply and ask if you want me to go away,
"no" you echo and so i stay,
I hope she still loves me I hope and pray,
she says that she loves me to much to hate me,
She tells me I wanted it and I agree,
I should have stopped before I went,
But now that whole, night I resent,
Torn into pieces and left to die,
I'm sorry that I made you cry,
And now as these hours fly on by,
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
These are the hours in which we lie awake,
Knowing we are each others to take,
Miles away, I still feel your heart beat,
I swear I don't know what made me cheat,
But without you, my life would be incomplete,
So lets walk hand in hand back down this street,
Please stop crying, I love you to much,
It hurts me to see you hurt yourself and such,
If you need me, I can be your crutch,
And on my hand you continue to clutch.
I love you so much.
Torn into pieces and left to die, (torn into pieces and left to die)
I'm sorry that I made you cry, (Please don't cry)
And now as these hours fly on by, (right on by)
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
I was thinking about the melody of 'The Story of my old Man' for this song (slightly extended of course) the 'one day he woke up' part
As you sit there wondering how life could be so bad,
I sit there next to you, I'm sorry to make you sad,
But the truth is, that I know I love her too,
I never lied to either when I told them 'I love you,"
The difference is whether it was friend or more,
Now I fell like dying to the core,
My heart is torn because of one horny girl,
the thoughts running through my mind seem to swirl,
But you sit there still, not a thing to say,
What do I do? Do i go or do I stay?
Torn into pieces and left to die,
I'm sorry that I made you cry,
And now as these hours fly on by,
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
"Are you going to break up with me?" I hear you say,
"No," I reply and ask if you want me to go away,
"no" you echo and so i stay,
I hope she still loves me I hope and pray,
she says that she loves me to much to hate me,
She tells me I wanted it and I agree,
I should have stopped before I went,
But now that whole, night I resent,
Torn into pieces and left to die,
I'm sorry that I made you cry,
And now as these hours fly on by,
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
These are the hours in which we lie awake,
Knowing we are each others to take,
Miles away, I still feel your heart beat,
I swear I don't know what made me cheat,
But without you, my life would be incomplete,
So lets walk hand in hand back down this street,
Please stop crying, I love you to much,
It hurts me to see you hurt yourself and such,
If you need me, I can be your crutch,
And on my hand you continue to clutch.
I love you so much.
Torn into pieces and left to die, (torn into pieces and left to die)
I'm sorry that I made you cry, (Please don't cry)
And now as these hours fly on by, (right on by)
I'm hoping that we don't have to say goodbye,
The pot is full...
Too many people/things to care or worry about in not enough time and not enough me.
Elise and Sahana are kind of in an awkward situation that I helped create, but she really should trust Sahana.
I love Katie and can't get her off of my mind.
Nat I have to keep my distance with her now.
My mom is on the verge of another mental breakdown because of work.
My dad is still threatening to leave the house.
My brother is still failing college.
I'm losing touch with so many friends it's not funny.
Alec I think put 2 and 2 together to figure out me and Nat. (completely my fault, god im such an idiot)
My parents think that if my coach sees my scars I'll be thrown off of the team.
Tam still worries me when she gets to talking about Harpo.
Christy pretty much wants to kill me.
Teri pretty much wants to kill me.
I'm still worried that I'll stop keeping in touch with Elise.
I'm confused about Katie because she definatly was trying to make moves on me at license to wed... but she was the one who broke up with me and was saying it was a mistake.
Sahana, I'm worried about her problem... It's really not healthy
Teri, I know she's already prepared herself for it, but that does seem a little cold, because now the relationship really won't flow as smoothly.
I confused Andrea at the fireworks at the end of the spree, and confused myself. I hope that I didn't hurt her when I started going out with Katie.
My parents are still riding me to "make eagle" (a rank in boy scouts [the highest one]). But I will and now It's just a matter of time, but they refuse to believe that.
The psychologist my parents are gonna send me to is the same one my brother went to for his anger management problems, awkward, no?
I've had this thing since summer camp, where I'll kind of phase out, and then I'll see, hear, taste, touch, and smell things, but it's like I'm doing it at some futuristic theater where I have no control over it. When I move, it feels as though someone else is moving me. when someone's talking to me, I don't feel like they're really talking to me. I hear everything, close and far, and my eyesight doesn't focus on one particular thing. am i going crazy? no, I'm not taking any drugs.
My parents keep looking at me like I don't belong to them. I think thats because my moms side has a history of depression and bipolar disorder and she doesn't want a kid who has that.
My parents keep talking about me like I'm not there when I'm in the same room.
I'm probably one of the weakest guys in football.
I dropped a 75 pound bar on my stomach last weight training.
We still are poor as fuck.
The other house is still sucking money.
My parents are still as irritable as ever.
I feel like taking Katie and running away from it all.
Elise and Sahana are kind of in an awkward situation that I helped create, but she really should trust Sahana.
I love Katie and can't get her off of my mind.
Nat I have to keep my distance with her now.
My mom is on the verge of another mental breakdown because of work.
My dad is still threatening to leave the house.
My brother is still failing college.
I'm losing touch with so many friends it's not funny.
Alec I think put 2 and 2 together to figure out me and Nat. (completely my fault, god im such an idiot)
My parents think that if my coach sees my scars I'll be thrown off of the team.
Tam still worries me when she gets to talking about Harpo.
Christy pretty much wants to kill me.
Teri pretty much wants to kill me.
I'm still worried that I'll stop keeping in touch with Elise.
I'm confused about Katie because she definatly was trying to make moves on me at license to wed... but she was the one who broke up with me and was saying it was a mistake.
Sahana, I'm worried about her problem... It's really not healthy
Teri, I know she's already prepared herself for it, but that does seem a little cold, because now the relationship really won't flow as smoothly.
I confused Andrea at the fireworks at the end of the spree, and confused myself. I hope that I didn't hurt her when I started going out with Katie.
My parents are still riding me to "make eagle" (a rank in boy scouts [the highest one]). But I will and now It's just a matter of time, but they refuse to believe that.
The psychologist my parents are gonna send me to is the same one my brother went to for his anger management problems, awkward, no?
I've had this thing since summer camp, where I'll kind of phase out, and then I'll see, hear, taste, touch, and smell things, but it's like I'm doing it at some futuristic theater where I have no control over it. When I move, it feels as though someone else is moving me. when someone's talking to me, I don't feel like they're really talking to me. I hear everything, close and far, and my eyesight doesn't focus on one particular thing. am i going crazy? no, I'm not taking any drugs.
My parents keep looking at me like I don't belong to them. I think thats because my moms side has a history of depression and bipolar disorder and she doesn't want a kid who has that.
My parents keep talking about me like I'm not there when I'm in the same room.
I'm probably one of the weakest guys in football.
I dropped a 75 pound bar on my stomach last weight training.
We still are poor as fuck.
The other house is still sucking money.
My parents are still as irritable as ever.
I feel like taking Katie and running away from it all.
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