This break has sucked dick.

yesterday... idk what happened...

i was planning on seeing juno with a buncha friends and then elise couldnt go so i didnt have a ride and nothing worked out so i spent the night talking to gabby asking if she could drive by and drop off some pot.

GOD i was bored.

i know this sounds gay, but i've already beaten 2 of the 4 games i got, another one is 1/3 done, and the last is 2/3 done.

i miss andrea soooo much :[

im starting to get scared, i know i shouldnt be, i know they're just friends, i know that all they can do is help her, for now, but i still get scared, especially since i havent met them.

damn it andrea, do i know if you're needy? no, i dont, simply because of the fucking way i was born i dont know whats needy and whats not, i was just taught to do whatever the fuck i was told.

i lost my house key and about a bajillion other things.

i got like really really depressed yesterday for like no reason. now i just feel like not moving, or running away, one or the other.

cutting doesnt help anymore, fucking therapist.

so know i can still get really depressed and nothing can help now, i just have to wait it out and hope i dont hurt myself too much.

i can't hold memory, maybe it's the games, maybe it's the depression?

andrea's life seems to be going swimmingly, i know thisll sound rude or whatever, but it's kind of annoying how even when she's grounded and sick there's allways someone for her to talk to, atleast, there's one when she needs it.

i feel like i'm losing all of my really close friends and i dont know why, i dont really have anyone who at any point in time i can go over to their house and chill or just talk to. I feel like everyone i once had is slipping away, and that sounds emo.

I hate breaks, i know i hate school too, but atleast at schoool i can see people and be around people.

i don't think i've lost my poetry, i think it's still there, ive just been puting it off because usually when i write i end up cutting or going out and getting high or crying for a really long time, and i dont know why this is.

andrea said she's trying not to lie as much, because she realised that she's lying too much. I know i've been lying too much, but now it's just a habit, just keep my head down and keep lying.

why won't anyone kill me if i told them to? don't they see it would make me happy? even in death it cant be as bad as this place.

i hasvent hung out with anyone since berger's party and that needs to change

anyone want to die with me? nat and i are starting a suicide club.

i feel so... so empty, i feel like i have nothing, maybe it's because i havent been near people that actually love me and care about me in a week.

I need someone, anyone, to hang out with.
i feel like nothing, just, nothing.


i want to lose control, get drunk or whatever, but i dont want to be in control anymore, the controlling doesnt help me, it only hurts.




when your words have lost their way,
And when everyone seems so gay,
Just remember, that fateful day,
Of when your life slipped away,
Just remember the moment of tears,
Of loneliness and jeers,
Rise above the silent cheers,
And give in to all your fears,
Let the the darkness consume you,
And let death betray you,
Let the pain of life tear you,
Let the mourning star prepare you,
For the cold, sickening place,
That you want to leave without a trace,
Let Death's trump card ace,
Poison you with bittersweet taste.



Don't fear me, love,
Fear what I've become,
Fear when all is said and done,
I won't be here for you,

Don't fear me, love,
For my love cannot show,
It lies buried, never to grow,
It won't be there for you,

Don't fear me, love,
Loneliness isn't a game,
It plants seeds of pain and shame,
It Ruins me for you,

Don't fear me, love,
The pain is too great,
For when we can't escape our fate,
It kills me before you,

Don't fear me, love,
Fear the reaper,
Fear the soul keeper,
It will come for you,

Don't fear me, love,
Fear what will be,
Fear the vast, empty sea,
That, in death, awaits you,

Don't fear me love,
But hold on tight,
We'll battle through this gruesome fight,
And I'll be there for you.



The sky of gold,
The sea of green,
The dividing line,
In between,
The sun of red,
The flash of green,
The spots on the black screen,
The loss of land,
The gain of sea,
The waves that barrel over,
The rolling ship,
The roll and dip,
The order to take cover,
The belch of clouds,
The soaking rain,
The loss of engine power,
The rush of fear,
The loss of sense,
The not so silent shower,
The spinning water,
The giant bowl,
The splitting of our wood,
The jolt awake,
The sense at stake,
The thought that it could,
The sweaty bed,
The lights turned off,
The sailor went back to sleep.