Legoland

I'm really, really sorry for the whole lego thing....

but here's the backstory:

I used to be very lonely within my own house, no one to talk to, play with, be around. everywhere i went i felt unneeded. so i went to my room when mommy kicked me off the videogames. i would play for hours and hours with legos, trying new things, always having great ideas but little execution.

i would try and try again, searching for new pieces or rearranging the ones i had, to make what i saw in my mind, till eventually i got so frustrated i would get depressed and not try to talk with anyone. i would sometimes cry because of how frustrated i would get.

i always wound up hurting my fingers from putting together and prying apart pieces. sometimes my hands would end up bleeding. most of the time i ended up smashing whatever it is that i made, feel useless, and go eat a snack.

my parents were always saying how good of an engineer i would become if i kept playing with legos, well here i am mom and dad, happy now?

Also, when we went to disney world when i was 7, i was really obsessed with going to legoland... our extent of the legoland visit was all of 20 minutes of our trip, mom said i could pick out one thing, so i picked on out from one of the many walls. i handed it to her, she gave me some candy and we left without it. i didnt remember it till later that night and i didnt have fun the rest of the trip.

here's my reply

a person posted a question on answer bag on whether or not anyone ever felt like they were watching their life happen instead of living it.

one person suggested that it was a depressive response, another an attention disorder.

here's my response:

ive been getting this feeling on and off for about a year and a half now, it's not due to repetition because it's happened on campouts and while cooking new things and during morning routines.

i don't think its an attention disorder, i think it's a seperation between the conscious and unconscious minds, no mtter how long or temporary, it allows us to speak before even thinking about what we're syaing, allowing our conscious mind to wander while our subconscious handles all of our physical limitations.

take advantage of this and do something productive with your complex mind's freedom. i write while watching life happen.

i wont be caught living in a dead end job

well, my brother's coming home.

it's actually a surprise. apparently he got fired from his job and he has to leave his appartment by noon tomorow. so my parents just wired him some money so he could fly home. this is going to be an interesting weekend.

my mom's got another migrane, wiling and wiling away. i feel no sumpathy for her.

my sister's friend kyle came over today, he's an albino farmer, tall, muscular, kind of socially awkward.

ive been finding myself mimicking what i did two summers ago. it feels at some points that im watching a movie instead of actually living my life. Im not sure if it's a bad thing or a good thing. i feel indifferent, not caring about it, but knowing its there. I answere everything based off of first thought, i dont even think about or comprehend the question before i answere, and most of the times its the right answer. am i normal?

i bleed alot now, lots of nose bleeds for absolutely nothing, always the right nostral.

THANK GOD SHE BLED.

sigh, cant think of anything to say so ill just type as im thinking of it wow i take a long time to type why am i still typing like this and why do i have absolutely no punctuation.... why'd i have to stop and think of how to spell punctuation? shouldnt i know that by now? wow i jusy typed know instead of now i beat this is getting really really boring for anyone reading this but thats ok because i dont really care because if you are still reading this then maybe you actually care about me or maybe you're just trying to learn something.

im thinking that im gonna ask for either SPORE the game for xmas or across the universe dvd.

im really really really lazy lately and i dont know why.

oh shit polevault start in like a week or two...

sometimes i wish people could just peek inside my head to see if i really am messed up or if its just things that can be fixed. somedays i wonder if i have brain damage. somedays i wonder if i should even bother waking up. somedays i wish i hadnt gotten up. somedays i wish the world will end in 2012. somedays i wish i was really really god at one thing instead of being ok to good in many things. i always feel emotionally vulnerable.

PS I Love You

Women Have More Diverse Hand Bacteria Than Men

ScienceDaily (Nov. 4, 2008) — A new University of Colorado at Boulder study indicates that not only do human hands harbor far higher numbers of bacteria species than previously believed, women have a significantly greater diversity of microbes on their palms than men.

Women talk three times as much as men, says study

By FIONA MACRAE
Last updated at 13:39 28 November 2006

Women talk almost three times as much as men, according to the research.

It is something one half of the population has long suspected - and the other half always vocally denied. Women really do talk more than men.

In fact, women talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.

Men are more intelligent than women, claims new study

By BEN CLERKIN & FIONA MACRAE
Last updated at 13:38 14 September 2006

It is research that is guaranteed to delight men - and infuriate the women in their lives. A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women.

The study - carried out by a man - concluded that men's IQs are almost four points higher than women's.

British-born researcher John Philippe Rushton, who previously created a furore by suggesting intelligence is influenced by race, says the finding could explain why so few women make it to the top in the workplace.

He claims the 'glass ceiling' phenomenon is probably due to inferior intelligence, rather than discrimination or lack of opportunity.

The University of Western Ontario psychologist reached his conclusion after scrutinising the results of university aptitude tests taken by 100,000 students aged 17 and 18 of both sexes.

A focus on a factors such as the ability to quickly grasp a complex concept, verbal reasoning skills and creativity - some of they key ingredients of intelligence - revealed the male teenagers had IQs that were an average of 3.63 points higher. The average person has an IQ of around 100.

The findings, which held true for all classes and levels of parental education, overturn a 100 year consensus that men and women average the same in general mental ability.

PS: I WIN!

if i were not a boy scout i know what i would be

ive been watching more of the old tv shows lately,
MASH, beverly hillbillys, hogan's heroes, etc.
they're cool

so the petition hasnt happened

im really kinda lonely now adays

this draught sucks

the fight never went down

blah blah blah

here's your post

Are we growing up, or just going down?

Lolz. It was a hell of a job trying to log in here. I got your email addresses mixed up. I'm used to logging in to my gmail and just hitting the sign in button in the corner, but yours isn't synced to that account, so it didn't work right. And obviously because it isn't synced to gmail, the password didn't work and it kept asking me to start an account until I figured out that you used yahoo.

Be that as it may, by request, I am to substitute as author today (I, being the girlfriend). I'm not really sure of what to say, because I didn't get much direction in that part of the demand. Basically I'm just supposed to write whatever I think he would say. Which, I'm not really sure of. Usually he starts out with what's been going on, and then delves into his feelings about his family, friends, and then himself. Maybe he makes a comment or two about our relationship. Otherwise, he's just ranting about something that's on his mind. Either way, he ends his posts with something to think about or something to come.

Considering we don't share minds, I obviously can't fill in half of those things, and I can't really give a good perspective on how things went today.

From what I understand though, he spent most of the day doing the same old, same old. Chores and such. He finally fixed the vacuum cleaner, but not before I had called him. Considering the recent events that he posted about earlier today (technically yesterday?), I decided that I was going to see him and talk things out. I called him while I was standing at the end of his street and asked him if we could hang out. He said it was unlikely, so I told him to just come outside then. Well, we talked things out, and I think things will be better, although I can't say what his standpoint is. I definitely know how he feels now (if only he would tell me more often). I never know what is going on in that head of his until it's too late and I've fucked up somehow, or things have boiled over. But anyhow, I got to stay and eat dinner with him and his family, which I enjoyed. I haven't been over there in a while, and I don't know. I guess I kind of missed it. As strange as it is, I feel like I belong there more than anywhere else. Maybe it's because he actually has a family, or what. When he reads this, he'll probably ask me why, but I really don't mind his family all that much. I see what he means about his mom, and I will admit she's rather... off her rocker sometimes, but I can also see things from their point of view. Honestly Carl, I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents, but I would never talk to them the way that you do sometimes.

Back to our day though...
I spent a good 5 hours there and things were somewhat back to normal-I mean, as normal as things get anyway. We fooled around, and we fooled around, and we got to enjoy the day without much mental stress, or at least I didn't anyway. I can't say what he was thinking. It reminded me of how we were so long ago. Where we just had innocent fun. Albeit, innocent fun with some heavy petting, but like we used to.

I did end up leaving my stuff over there when we left, but it's nothing I can't live without. Well, maybe him, but I can't take him home with me.

This is the first night though that I willingly didn't bring my teddy bear home, and this is the first night I really wished I had it. Before, it was something that I always brought with me, like I had to bring it with me, but today, it feels like I need it.

But you know, Carl, you can feel free to substitute for it any night ^^
Speaking of which, if any night you ever feel like coming over, feel free. Or any day for that matter. Randomly. You can just show up. In fact, I think I would like a surprise visit more than anything. And if you ever come to find me not home, you can just come inside and wait for me. I gave you a key for a reason.

This post feels unfinished, but I don't know what to say now.














*as;lkdfa;sklndva;uipw9woijqowerfna,m ,zxmnvawerituqh*
*snicker*
*guffaw*
*inside joke*

Can you hear me now?

I said i was going to blog on it so here it is.

I didn't want to say this because i found it slightly ironic.


It seems like you aren't even hearing me anymore. You don't care what I'm saying, it just goes in one ear, meets with a dejection, and slides right on out the other. I think it seems like we argue a lot because it takes five or six minutes just to get you to tear down your mental walls so i can actually talk with you or have you even consider what I've said. But even after all of that, you tend to just shrug off what i say. And is you aren't arguin or dejecting, you have an excuse written up already. If I'm trying to give you advice, why would you give me an excuse? Even if you don't follow it, just say 'ok' and move on. It really hurts when you don't even think about the things I say because your excuse is ready, but when someone else gives you advice you listen intently and follow it. How am I supposed to feel if i can't even talk to you without being beaten down?

You don't laugh with me anymore.

I've also been finding everything I do recently has been a failure. I can't even do chores without breaking something or doing it wrong. I cann't even think right.


By George, I think I've gone depressive

moderatly confused

The pressure is mounting


sorry about the lack of posts but right now i dont even think writing stuff down will help.

i mean... try to imagine the stress of my life, it's the every day stress of advanced school, plus the moving away of two silings, plus the major surgeries on both sides of the family, plus the change of lifestyle for my aunt who is determined to relate to me, plus the developement of alergies to my cats, plus this damn cold, plus the lack of ability to write anything decent recently, plus the whole i have no friens in my 2nd hour which is awkward cuz it's taught by the coach who i just quit form, plus the quiting of football, plus the searching for a gym, plus the almost completion of the rock wall, plus the winterizing of the lawn, plus the massive lack of sleep, plus the shallow and not deep sleep, plus the self made confusion, plus, plus, plus, plus....

fuck it

im not going to say im sick of it, because in all reality i dont feel i am,
im just tired, tired in the sense of not sleeping and in the sense of it feels like im repeating the same routine every week to no end.

shall i wallow in more misery?

im getting fat. i dont care what you say im getting fat and i hate it.

im sorry, how could i be so dumb as to not do what i didnt do? i know it was like i was there more for the weed than for you, and looking back on it it even seems that way to me. you know when i told you about how sometimes i feel like i just need to be away from everyone, like no one touching me? that was one of those times, so im sorry if i confused you.

It really does seem strange how openly kate and i talked about last year, i can tell it bothered some people around us. but i dont think there's any reason to not look back on things and choose only to see the good in them. It was nice to be openly honest about the things that happened between me and her and i think the air is a little clearer now.

if only the air in my head would clear.

or my sinuses, but that might never come.

Live and Let Die

Do I Stay or Do I go?

fucking a

well i've been swirlin around the same thoughts in my head about quiting football.

Pros:
more time
less work
more focused on polevault

cons:
I'll miss it
I still will have to deal with demarco all semester

neutral:
7 weeks left of the season


well i talked with demarco after class today about it and here's pretty much how the convo went:

"I wanna quit"
"no you dont"
"yeah... i do"
"why"
"i wanna focus more on polevault because i feel i have a much bigger chance of actually being someone and doing something."
"well look at it this way, there's only 7 weeks left, that's what... 14 workouts with vern?"
"something like that"
"look, i know you haven't been getting as much playing time as you would like"
"it's not about the playing time coach, irt's more like im sick of playing in someone else's shadow"
"have you been behind kutek for long?"
"2 years now and 2 years behind harp before that"
"we've bbeen trying to get you in, and look at it this way, if kutek gets injured-"
"then youll send in chris"
"not necesarily, he's playing a lot on defence. You two will split the second string."
*monologue time for coach*
"I know it doesnt seem like uch, but we are trying to get you in. You are a good athelete. That's why ive been putting you out there on the edge for special teams because i know you can get out there. and your not just a player, your a leader. You may not be one of the captains, but you are a leader in the way you do things and the way you work hard. You are the type of player that every team needs, your smart but not cocky. now i want you to not go to film today but go home and think about quiting, obviously you've thought about it a bit already, but i want you to think again and know what's the right decision."

by this point the bell for the next class rings

now im wondering how many times he's given this speach to other kids and how many times it has worked or failed.

im gonna pick this talk apart later, but not now

ow

ok

so

it took 11.5 hours to get all the way up here,
then i went swimming,
now my eyes are the color of my lips,

i love you
i miss you

i got my cell phone back








:)

Born to be a middle class hero?

well....
i was working in the back yard with my dad (we're almost done with the wall) and i made a dumb move and now the wheelbarrow is broken, so i had to fill, move, and dump over 40 buckets of fill dirt. fun.

i really feel more numb inside recently... I used to be able to say fuck you to my family because i had a lot of friends that backed me up. Now i dont even know if i can count more than 5... some of my oldest friends are leaving me for other people and then they gang up and make me feel stupid.

i think i've found out the true center of me, the thing that determines who i am, what i do, and when i do it. I'm a young kid who has too much maturity, so im trying to force myself back, back to where everyone else is. sometimes, most times, it's worth it, it's fun and good, other times.... i feel like i should be dead.

i am a whore for attention

i dont know too much about too much of my old man

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste

-William Shakespeare

i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting

he's just... a little more depressed

i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.

anyways... now it's about me



Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.

I love rum and coke :)

football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.

went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.

Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.

as for my emotions?...

idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.

I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.

It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).

Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.

I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.

I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.

oh well.

I am the Lorax...

I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues. Well, I am not the Lorax. I am the girlfriend, and I speak for Carl for Carl has no tongue (so-to-speak).

As of now he is gone off to pictured rocks and he'll be back next Saturday for any of you who already didn't know.

And if I hadn't already wasted all of his minutes on his phone, *sheepish look,* we could've called him. If he were smart enough to bring his phone in the first place lawlz.

Anyway, the point of this post was because I told him he should update before he leaves, because he hasn't updated in pretty much an entire month, and of course, he didn't get a chance to update himself. Either that or he chooses not to, but, too bad for him.

I can't really remember myself what has all happened these last three weeks, mostly it was a lot of me going back and forth to his house or mine and the usual stuff that happens with that. Of course, Sharon's party happened last week and there was an epic laser tag battle with CB and John and everybody, and some little kid that was annoying as fuck that kept saying, 'PWNAGE,' except for the fact that he was 7 and also a faggot.
His family life is pretty much the same if any of you were sitting there thinking, "I wish Carl would update his blog so that I know how his home life is because I am really very concerned." The tension is still there, and I doubt that is ever going to change, but I'm really trying to get him to "let it go and run" as he always tells me. Somehow, I think it doesn't work quite as well on him as it does on me, but then again, he is still a mystery to me even after all of this time and perhaps what I'm saying does get through.
Other than that, there's not too much going on right now other than what usually does. I mean, when he comes back from Pictured Rocks, then he's got football and two-a-days along with everything else and it makes it even more impossible to see him. Granted, I'll probably just see him more at night ^^
Speaking of which, our most recent rendezvous was amazing. Seriously, it does just keep getting better. I don't think I've ever had quite so much... enjoyment out of it. Not that I don't enjoy it all the time, but this last time was sooo much better.

There is one thing else that I must mention, and I'm sure if I were to be getting direction from him about what to write about here, this would be a top priority. The other day, him and I were at Hull reminiscing about what school was like and the friends we had, and he told me that he feels that no one really tries to keep contact with him and he doesn't know why. He said that he's tried to talk to people and get a hold of them and no one had responded. All of his attempts just seemed to fall through, and it made me sad because I realized that he was somewhat right. We keep in touch with some people and others are drifting apart and not even trying to hide that fact.
So, what I guess I'm trying to say here, is that maybe we should all hang out again. Like, ALL of us. Get everyone we possibly can and go hang out for a day up at the Rec, or somewhere. Have a big party for all I care. In fact, I might just throw one at my house. Either way, it'd be nice to see you all again, and I'm sure Carl wouldn't mind either.

Anyways, it's about 6:30 in the morning because I wanted to be awake for when he was actually gone, so, I'm going to go do something else. For some reason I just don't feel like rotting my brain on a computer today (go figure).

Bis später

DAMN IT

ok so i have to continue packing and filling out info for camp which i go to tomorow (see you all sunday or whenever)


so this is really quick

i've been feeling like everytime i open my mouth i get my head bitten off. every time i say a sentence commenting on something or saying something another person has to slam me down. I feel like im being used just as the kid everyone can laugh at and make fun of or be harshly honest with.

and i gotta say





it hurts, alot.

so if i ever stop talking or phase out or mumble off it means i realized that if i said another word something mean and hurtful would be said in response, so i dont say anything.



of to fill out more stoooped paypir werc

blahh

A man of steel perched on a ledge,
Percariously balanced with a sledge,
Lands a blow of painfully silent echoes,
A snake built of a thousand throe,
Lends in to help the woe,
And together the pain grows,
A rat wiith a mouth of bane,
Breaks again in to my brain,
And spreads it's living death,
And even at the smallest light,
All this pain gives up it's fight,
And lets me take a breath,

hedaches suck assssss

im sorry i didn't help out today much

im sore all over with a headacheall over a a mood that would destroy the berlin wall

must be that time of month xD

see y'all sometime other than the last day of the spree

Im so sorry for all the shit ive done

look, im sorry if it seems like im forgetting about you, and im sorry if im making it seem like i cant see it the way you are...

but fact of the matter is the money's already in, i could probably get away with not going maybe one day every two weeks. I'm only really GONE for like 2 weeks and a couple of weekends, the rest is weight training, polevault, and work (possibly).

even still, polevault is from 3-6, that means we have from seven on. and thats only on mondays and wednesdays.

football is 9-11, so i'll see you for all afternoon on fridays.

tuesdays and thursdays are completely open.

and saturdays and sundays vary.

i love you. I dont ever want to lose you. and if i get the job at bates, you can visit me quite often.

that email hurt....


:,[













on a lighter note
:
i carved/filed/widdled a new one, two holes for air! and nice and round and shallow

Because you asked

1: I try too much to be funny, I do it too cover up myself. If I can keep people laughing they don't have enough time to think about how fucked up I am and why I do what I do.

2: I am an attention whore. I love and hate the spotlight. The nervousness kills me and I don't want to be found out, but I love being in the spotlight when I can hide behind something.

3: I always have an excuse. I'll not do something or say something just to save my own ass and not give a shit about anyone else.

4: I say I don't care and that other people can fuck off. But really, it hurts me when I am not friends with everyone. It hurts when people tell me they hate me and never give me a reason.

5: I get depressed easily, too easily.

6: I like being depressed, I like that pain in my stomach, I like the extra voice in my head telling me to go kill myself, I like horrifying other people with my stories of the stuff I have done while depressed.

7: I'm too dependent on drugs, sleeping and relaxing with them.

8: I hate my parents I would kill them in an instant.

9: I am all talk.

10: I am terrified of being hit in football.

To cause some sleep and to stop my weep

fukcing a

i just had a post

oh well it deleted it

heres it in short

new pr at 9'

need to work on pre reqs and job application

need to spend more time with andrea

need sleep aids and anti depressents

life sucks

Take me out of my body to... smell california, and, sweet hypocrocy

ah what the fuck.
im losing it, not that i ever had it, but i am losing it.
saturday i gave myself a minor concusion, i hit my head on the patio cover thing and then hit my head on the bucket i was carrying, thank god no one saw.
today i got hit square in the face with a soccer ball.
ever since then.. when my pulse gets up, my hearing goes fuzzy, i feel disasociated, and i dont feel like moving and i get really tired... oh well

according to my family i like getting in to arguments with them. i suppose so, because it's only through arguing that i can prove i am better because they are fucking dumbshits who dont listen.

today i found out i have four tests on thursday, a Julius Caesar test, a Gym test, a Fetal Pig test, and a WW! test. I have no free time, no life, nothing.

I've been breaking down more often lately, i brokedown 4 times in the past week. i dont know what it is but something really really stressful has happened.

oh, so my sister finally decided and she is now for sure going to michigan tech, we're driving her up sometime mid july i think. My brother is going to florida on a work/learn program with disney world.

Just think, not only will i be the oinly kid in the house to be bitched at, i now have to make up for all the chores they would be doing.

Haikus have been about the only thing I've been able to write recently, it's really frustrating when u have all of this tension and absolutely no release other than tricking other people in to hurtin you or hurting urself in less than obvious ways.

I have ten bucks, three guesses what it's going to.

Our back yard project is going pretty good, my dad took out the stairs and now about 2 walls are done, it's just one corner left, and then we have to figure out what the fuck we're gonna do with it all.

Im soo tired. I sleep for hours on end, wake up and feel the same as i did when i fell asleep. I dont know why either.

and yet again i am at a point where i dont know what i want.
i dont want to die, but there are days
I dont want to run away
i dont want to kill someone or something
i dont want to get wasted
i dont want to do more

i guess all i want is the world to slow down,
that seems so selfish


why am i so selfish?
i want the world to slow down so i can take a break, rest up, get back in the game,
but that'll never happen, for me or for anyone.

they say kids are becoming more grown up younger and younger now adays, maybe if you didn't rape their minds with fear they'd stay young.

fucking a

tired stressed
god that was goodweekend
2s
1d
0slp
skipped practice saturday to help in the yard, saw fiddler twice, boyscout meeting tonight i went to, massive mood swings, nyquil to sleep, im so sorry for hurting you, running, more running, jumping, stairs, sleep, poetry, mental blocks, failures, etc. etc.

life is hectic

you bleed just like you puke

hey love
im sorry your sick
im sorry im so demented
but thats ok
it what we call love

so definantly got in an argument over whether alchohol is worse than weed or not
alchohol deaths in 2004: 2115 (just 16-20 year olds)
tobaccoe deaths in 2004: estamated over 400,000
marijuanna deaths in 2004: estamated 5000

now think about this




had enouhg time?




no?




well too bad,
marijuanna (used by almost every age bracket) kills only a few thousand more than alchohol does in just one age bracket across 4 years!


oh well


anyways

best birthday ever
i gots a headache now though
im almost out but andrews getting me some more
im carving my own pipe so it might be a while b4 i rly can have a new one unless it's something quick and out of tin foil

i love you

get well soon! :]

In Response

to what happened between nat's ex and andrea... im proud of her,sounds kinda lame but i am...

Im also surprised it took so long for someone else to make a move but whatever, it happens

im just happy she loves me enough to stay away


i love you

:P

so it happened again, not last night, but the night before... WAYY better

other than that... saw 21, good movie
hung out with harpo and andrea in the same day at dif times
went to some mexican place and it sucked ass
woke up today at 11:30 with a headache and 6 missed calls, 2 from andrea 4 from Chelsea

i think i would write something right now if i didnt feel so tired/headache-y

How do you do it? make me feel like you do

Hey there beautiful I know it's been long,
But I hope things got better in the time I was gone,
I know you've only gotten stronger,
And I've just been gone longer,
The days melted to one under the bottle,
And your arm just dripped into the puddle,
We've been locked in twisted internal bleeding,
And our daemons we just keep feeding,
But if you

Kiss me sorry and I'll hold you tonight,
Kiss me sorry and I swear I'll do it right,
Kiss me sorry and we'll stop the fight,
Kiss me sorry and you know we just might
Hold on,
Hold on,

Hey there beautiful I hate the things I've done,
But if you can kiss me you can put down the gun,
Flying lead won't break your fears,
Bloody corpses only bring back tears,
Drop the rifle and lower your screams,
I'm sorry I'm not the man of your dreams,
Hit me again, I'll let you this time,
Hit me and maybe it'll all be fine!

Kiss me sorry and I'll hold you tonight,
Kiss me sorry and I swear I'll do it right,
Kiss me sorry and we'll stop the fight,
Kiss me sorry and you know we just might
Hold on,
Hold on,

Hey there beautiful the times flown by,
I'm sorry for the times I made you cry,
You hated me then and still it lingers,
But why'd you take off three of my fingers?
But now the house is gone up in smoke,
And now that we are both just as broke,
Do you think we could try again?
Could we look through our self made rain?

Kiss me sorry and I'll hold you tonight,
Kiss me sorry and I swear I'll do it right,
Kiss me sorry and we'll stop the fight,
Kiss me sorry and you know we just might
Hold on,
Hold on,
Hold on (yeah yeah yeah),
Hold on (or let it go),


Ah yes, fun times
if you havent read yet, yes i lost my v card, and no, its rly not wht u expect it

uhm... from the dime bag i bought im downthe about half a bud and im splittin tht with tom tomorow, might not be eboungh but hell, i might get lucky with henry

haven't cut in a while :D

pole vaulting is rly a lot easier and more fun than i expected, so this season should be fun

FIRE FUCK!

4 posts in one day

mmk, so i bet your all wondering why i've done four posts in one day, well quite frankly it's because thats about half the number of moodswings i've had in today alone, so here goes entry number 4

(btw, this has nothing to do with my actual feelings right now, just some cluttered thoughts in my brain)

Isn't it amazing? how in a world filled creatures that only one has chosen to grow and become the "ruler" of all the others? Well think about this, everyday people commit suicide, rape, murder, and poaching. What kind of race are we in that involves killing one's self, one another, torturing another, and unrestricted killing? humans weren't ment to live this way, stacked in similar, cookie-cutter houses along a narrow, twisting path in another gray part of the s8uberbs. We weren't ment to burn more than our weight's worth of fuel in a month. We weren't meant to be caged up, in a labrinth of twists and turns with nipple high walls and hispeed internet every five feet. We were ment to live spaced out, freely, as if grazing on a hillside. Naturally we wouldn't all group together, trying to obtain sustenance from the same patch of land the guy right below us is. We wouldn't naturally live over our own shit and we wouldn't naturally eat more sugar ina month than a creature that survives off of sugarcane does in a year.

What is civilized? According to our world, it's the process of which any and all people on the planet are accepted and loved and cared for. But by that meaning, what happens to the people who torture other people for pleasure? well, they're tossed out of society and locked up, sometimes even injected with poisons ment to mutilate them fomr the insides until life is forced out of them. And what about war? If we are so civilized as to love everyone, why is there war? People deciding they'll kill others simply because they dont believe in the same things or because he looked at them funny.

Imagine life as a bathroom: The sun is the light on the ceiling, the sink is a black whole, the holes in the ceiling tiles are the other universes, and the dorr is the gateway to heaven. Each time god needs to shit, he just goes in to our world and takes a dump and then jacks off. Now, in the toilet bowl of life, we have white and black people. Indians are the blood found in semen and asians are his diarhea, spreading to places no one wants them. We all are mixed up and swished around, randomly claiming parts of the world as our own and then being overrun by another. We float along for a while until god decides he get's bored with our little show and he flushes to toilet. poof, we're all dead.

Bet you're on here

1: I'm not sure if you knew this, but ive always loved you, i dont know why, maybe it's for the obvious reasons or maybe i instantly knew there was more, i dont know why but when i help you and whenever you say you like someone, i always used get my hopes up, and now.... moving on just seems like im losing a part of me, the part of me who rly wants to care about what other people think (i think?)

2: I love you, i fera for loosing you and i know how much of a hypocrite i am for saying this but you dont need drugs, you dont need cutting, you dont need anything but me, we can make each other better, we've already done an ok job on it

3: I hate having to lose you, even though you're right there and oh so very close, you're miles away, forgetting about me and never mentioning my name, speeding off in to a land of unknown faces that stretches way past the edge of my comfort zone, i guess that's the best, for both of us.

4: I'm so so sorry for what i did to you. I'm an asshole, a douche bag, a lint licker and any other name you can make up for me. I don't quite know how you've forgiven me for it and im not quite sure how you can even still look me in the eyes or hold a decent conversation with me, I dont know how you do it, but you're a much better person than i am.

5: I'm sorry for all those scars on your arms and im sorry for abusing you

6: We are going to beat Jake troya's Ass one day, and we're noth going to enjoy it, thank god it's all over though

7: Why was our one day so short? couldn't it have gone on forever? think of all the fun we could have had if i wasn't such a pussy. oh well, it's passed. We don't neerly tlk as muchas we should anymore, nothing's ok with me, and im pretty sure you've got somethings you want to tell someone, but thats ok, you've got new friends now.

8: I don't even know what to say to you, If you were a litle less open with yourself, a little more secretive, i think you'd be ahppier, but you seem pretty happy right now.

9: After all the things we've done together, i still dont think we're as close as we should.

10: asshole, running away gets you no where

11: A little overdramatic? loving certain parts and destroying others, like you're the tyrant of your own body, which i suppose you are. But if you have to take your control issues out on yourself, i think it's time to MOVE ON from him and find some new friends, like your best friend did.

12: Why were you always so mean to me? What did i ever do to make you so mad that you shot down everything i ever said in your presence? I'm sorry that im not as smart as some of your other friends, im sorry i dont knowyou all that well, but your friends love you and whatever you did to get them to post like that.... idk... dont do it again?

13: YOUR ALL FAGGOTS WHO SHOULD ROT IN SHIT

14: You idiot, you piece of shit who smells so bad you can't even stand yourself. Lazy, unmotivated, out of shape, a slob lying on the ground waiting for life to be handed to you, you're always the victim, never the torturer, well guess what, life sucks. get over yourself and move on, can't you see what a fuckface you are? no you can't, because you can't see yourself. Go die in a hole.

15: It's obvious it's not going to last, an uneven couple. maybe it can stick if you try hard enough, cuz i can guarentee you he's not going to.

The Royal Tenebaums

blehh

champagne is good
so is weed
and andrea
and head
and sleep
and making jokes
and being accepted
and love

life is bad
so are chores
and pills
and anything requiring a hypodermic needle
and my non-writing as of late
and my dissociation right now
and my trance im stuck in
and the way live life
and how much i complain
and how much of an ass i am
and how much i dont care


i need you right now
sooo much
i want to get high but both my lighters are out and that bud is rly too big for just me
i want to cut but we're going to kalamazoo tomorow
i want to run but i know how stupid that is
i want to die but i want to live

im walking down the line
that divides me somewhere in my mind
on the borderline of the edge and where i walk alone

It's spring again,
The flowers should be out,
The snow gone,
And animals about,
It's spring again,
Winter's finally gone,
It took the cold,
And made green our lawn,
But what is this?
On day two,
Another flurry,
A foot or two,
Kill the trees,
Destroy the plants,
No more shorts,
Back to pants,
The short sleeves,
Came and went,
The burst of warmth,
Is already spent,
But when it gets warm,
Go and grasp the day,
Go outside with friends,
Have fun and play,


"No, I hate the sun... It makes my eyes bleed"

beat me

i feel... like im about to explode on something

the days just seem to keep blending together, indistinguishable, unimportant, the same cycle of daily routine spinning over and over, waiting for something extraordinary to break the monotonous routine of existence.

today i actually woke up only feeling partly tired, then i started doing chores, then more chores, then more chores, then i got a shitty haircut that looks gay as fuck, then i got home and relaxed... for abvout 20 mins before i worked on more and more and more chores.

yesterday i got up, went to practice for 2.5 hours (which was 2 hours of windmills and over a mile of running) came home, got my permit, went home again, waited, waited ,shopped, watched movies, hung out, went home, took some sleeping pills and fell asleep.

i have to go, my grandparents just got here

I'd say im sorry, but you've got your head too far up your ass to hear

lol
the title's for anyone who wanted me to post earlier
but yeah, ive been really busy, school, drivers ed, track, camping, homework, fixing the computer, andrea's house, etc.

"we can burn the cup.. but we aren't going to"
"hey i found a sock!" "let's burn it!"
"I'm gonna go snort some asbestos, be back latter"

ah god, wonderful times with colin and shawn

i rly need to hang out with andrea, im rly sorry for leaving early and i wish we coulda had that afternoon all to ourselves.

we need to fix each other.

i love you





god im so tired

why wont?

why wont people kill me?
why wont they hurt me?
even when i want it?
even when i deserve it?
why wont this life leave me?
why am i still alive?
I think three times would be enough to do it...
why is life fucked up for those of us who just want to be happy?
and for other... life is good for them but they're too fuckin blind to see...
why is my life so fucked?
why do i sound so selfish?
why do i always get depressed when i go home?
why cant i get what i deserve?
why dont i get what i want?
and then when i get it... why do i always get it taken away?
as if life is trying to show me how good life could be if i was some one else, but no, because im the little fucking accident i am i cant be happy, i cant be fun, i have to be this emotional swing with too many voices to count.

truth is i dont fucking like where i am...
i want to end

i dont want to feel anymore

i dont want to be anymore

why cant i just fade away?

*sigh*

i wish...
what do i wish for?
to start over?
to not be so fucked up?
to be able to sleep?
to be able to hold you in times like this?
to be able to reach you anywhere?
to make your life better?
to be able to make it all go away?
to help you?
to be able to fix it all?
to be the boy you deserve?
to be the guy that you love?


i dont know what i need or want

except to hold you right now

and to be allowed to sleep with you in my arms


well now for an update on my physical status

my abs are goin away
im up to 145
im eating less
i aint sleepin
i feel heavier
i hate pimples
8 minutes, but i could prbbly drag it out if i wanted to
i fell asleep in 5th hour today
i decided i love being hug raped
i rly rly feel like cutting

SO LAY DOWN, THE THREAT IS REAL!

Well... Oh well...

It failed, go figure?

I dont know why im not all upset or anything... dont worry, my frustration with the world comes out in one outburst every 6 months or so

so sometime in mid may ill probably go ballistic on something and destroy it entirely

oh well

"cwdwarf (8:13:33 PM): usually after an hour my imagination kicks in and i pretend im chuck norris, then im not afraid of me anymore"

"I like, where we are"
"I wanna wake up where you are"

I feel terrible about not skippin school with andrea today :[
next time gimme more notice ok?

eh... lifes been boring...
cant wait for spring
cant wait for sex
cant wait for football
cant wait for track
and im still bored as fuck

Ive been writing, but i want to write something more deep to me... something that spills out who i feel like i am andthe things i dont tell anyone that i barely ven tell myself... but nothing's coming, maybe im just scared?

I havent been sleeping
I havent rly been eating
I havent been thinking straight
I havent been me
I have been getting depressed more lately
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
Geneital herpes


xD

On The Off Chance

That andrea w3akes up before i get back from church and reads this

my mom has offered to take me and you to go see meet the spartans today at 12:55

so be ready around noonish or call me

Are you even at your dad's house?

Kinda buzzed

mmmkay

last night/afternoon i went to andreas house and to the concert and all so im gonna do the word thingy again

home
yay!
fun
blood
more fun
Sister
Home
dog
play dirty
opie
circles
squares
cold
cold
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
move
wait
move
wait
move
inside
warmth
merchandising!
up
balcony
right
right
top
Human
Abstract
Jason
Colin
gabby?
no
August
Burns
Red
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
godly
The
Bled
horny
bastard
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
From
First
To
Last
...
Something
Died
Inside
Fat
Man
...
...
...
...
Everytime
I
Die
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
Lights
Ow
Crazy
Ass
Moshpit
Crazy
Ass
Stagedivers
Crazy
Ass
Crowdsurfers
!!!
!!!!
!!!!!
!!!!!!
!!!!!
!!!!
!!!
!!
!
Leave
Bye Opie!
Hi Opie!
Bye Opie!
Home
Family
Guy
Gnight

:]

Wake
Move
Sore
Chores
Hausaufgauben
Toms
Bong
Fun
Run
Hull
Chill
Mine
Toms
Mine
Leftovers
Here

Would you cry if i were to die? would you care if I wasn't there?

It's amazing how pain and repressed anger come upon a person at one time

In a single instant, happiness and contempt was changed onto fear, anxiety, pain, jealousness, etc etc

Would cutting myself open at the seams help?
would death really make me feel better?
Or are these longings to not be able to move anymore just more shit brewed in my mind?

For the past two nights I've sat alone,
Wondering why Im not gone,
Wondering why im not dead
Why im not in jail
Why im not considered an evil person
Why people refuse to see my bad side
refuse to see that im a fucking sadistic, murderous, suicidal maniac who's repressed his anger to the point of killing someone with his bare hands if anyone ever fight him,
Wonder why people refuse to see through me,
It's so easy, Just open your eyes,
Remove the mask I put on you,
I'm not that strong, I'm not that smart,
I'm not that good, I am that bad,
Why dont you people see that in an instant i would take my own life, but i would only hesitate for a second to take someone elses?
granted, if it ever came down to taking someone elses life or my own i would probably take my own just because ever since i was fucking in 2nd grade Ive believed my whole purpose in life was to make other people feel goos about themselves,
Wondering why this razor won't go deeper than it has before and why im using my fingernails to scratch instead of the razor to slice,
Wondering why i lie so much, im so manipulative, just to get my way,
Wondering why i truely cant have all out fun,
people are always saying (and im guilty of saying it too) "you have to throw yourself out there in order to have fun" what about us who already have thrown ourselves out there and fun is still a rarity? what about us to whom pain is fun and death is ecstasy? what about us, the damned, the beaten, the forgotten, the nameless?
Wondering why we arent dead
Wondering why im not dead
Wondering why im trapped in my head

I'm supposed to be able to throw myself onto you my friends, to have you help support me, but what do do if inside my own mind there's a conflict of interests? Any of you who have seen "The Prestige" the quote "I dont love you, not today" should be familiar, thats how i feel about myself, only its not "today" it's pretty much every 2 or 3 hours i change my mind about whether or not i can really stand to live with myself.

I'd love to say ive made progress, I'd love to say I've changed, but truth is, only half wants to change, the other half wants to go back and stay the way it was.

They say numbness comes from a damaged nerve, i say it comes from depression

If im not allowed to go to the concert thursday night, I'm running away

and quite frankly, i dont care all that much if i ever come back.

Ach mein lieben, bitte cry nicht, Ich'll Wash mein bludy hands und wir'll start ein neu wohn

gahhh

so i really dont feel like i have anything to say...

I really wish i coulda hung out with andrea last night

"And for all you people who aren't my supporters (white people)"

Im going to be damned honest,
those were some of the hardest hours of my life.

I tried calling her at 10 last night b4 i went to bed to wish her good night and sweet dreams but no one picked up.

so now we're back together, and it's all good for now, wedont know about the future but who ever does?

im still really tired and i wish i coulda hung out with her today, but i cant after i post this cuz im goin camping, its the camp where we set up the catapult and launch it, I'll try to have some movies/pics of it for you guys to see.

I've drawn up plans for a model guilotine and it shouldnt be that hard to make.... if i had a scroll saw in my garage...

well, im off, hope to see u sunday

I ain to be your eyes

1. Is there someone you wanna date right now?
The girl i love

2. Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
uhm...
Sit tight, I'm gonna need you to keep tight, come on just snap snap snap your fingers for me. Good good, now we're making some progress come on just tap tap tap your toes to the beat

3. How is life going for you right now?
confusing, i feel like im about to snap when it comes to my anger, ive just got so much shit pent up inside of me its not funny, but atleast ive been able to write

4. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
well, i have a few secrets, but no one that doesnt lready know them doesnt need to know them

5. What was the reason you last cried?
Emo mood swings

6. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
yeah

7. What is your favorite fruit?
cactus fruit when it's deseaded

8. What is the most important thing in any relationship?
the ability to stick through good and bad

9. What's the song that makes you cry?
give it all by rise against more specifically:
"So please believe your eyes, scrafice, is not what we had in our minds"

10. Do you miss someone?
Andrea, elise, nat, sahana, teri, etc.

11. Who?
see the previously stated names

12. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
no, because the bottom keeps moving down

13. Do you trust people easily?
only if i have to, but i have been known to throw my trust at people

14. Where is one place you want to visit?
uhm... anywhere not in my house is good

15. Do you freak when people hug you?
only if its really REALLY unexpected, I'll gladly hug anyone that i dont think has a hidden needle with gonomonociphaherpalaids on it.

16. Are you a tease?
only when she teased first

17. What made you happy today?
WRITING oh my god i felt like so good after i wrote two songs in 6th hour, I would've wrote more had robert not interrupted me asking him to write smut for him

18. When was the last time you cried?
last night

19. What color shirt are you wearing?
white/brown

20. How long is your hair?
sexy

21. How long have you been friends with your best friend?.
I have many, tom: 3 years now, all my other 2 years or less

22. Last thing you drank?
water, gatorade

23. Are you happy right now?
not especially, i have to go to my psych in 15 mins and i got a headache and im tired as fuck

24. Does someone have a crush on you?
quite truthfully, i think there could be 2 or 3 girls with crushes on me not counting andrea, i know that sounds a little stuck up for myself, but after having 2 people "fall in love" with me while i was trying to get with their best friend i know atleast some warning signals

25. Do you have a crush on someone?
if a crush is love than yes

26. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what hint would you give them?
"It's not ment for our generation"

27. Anything important you need to tell someone?
use a rubber????

28. Will you ever tell them?
if they dont read this, probably not

29. Do you have big plans and goals for your life?
go to med school, become a psychiatrist, open up my own clinic for clinically depressed kids/tennagers/young adults

30. Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with?
the voices in my head

31. What was the last thing you highlighted?
i think it was my fingernail cuz im sexy like that

32. Name something you have in common with all your siblings:
if u add my dad in as well we all hate my mom

33. In one word describe yourself.
contradicting

34. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
having people over without anyone else home

35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

36. Have you ever passed out from being drunk?
not yet ^^

37. How many kids do you plan on having?
2.5

38. If you could kiss anyone, who would it be?
andrea, then god, cuz i would live forever

40. When is the last time you went out of the state?
oh god..... 7th grade?

41. Have you ever had a true-friend?
yeah, shes called andrea, tam, nat, elise, etc.

42. Do you crack your knuckles?
YES! and my wrists and my toes and my ankles, it's loud and ill probably die someday because of it

43. Are you ticklish?
yesh, but only a few people have found my ticklish spots on my body and i think most of them have forgotten

44. Have you ever felt not good enough?
do humans ever feel "good enough"? if we did, why would we continue to work to get better?

45. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
certain, not so legal things, and making people laugh, i love making people laugh

46. Can you do anything crazy with your tongue?
not especially, but some girls would disagree o.0

47. What's something you want for your birthday?
there's this rise against dvd thats out that i want

48. Are you more independent or dependent?
both? depending on my mood and where i am in life, im fine by myself but other people make me better i think

49. What is one thing you miss about your past?
not my weight, not my life, just last year i miss knowing everyone and having good teachers

50. What is something you learned about yourself recently?
I need to cry a lot more, i need to lift more, im not good enough, a 3.89 gpa is considered sucky, i cant handle myself, my own mind corrupts itself, i may be schitzophrenic, i keep tearing myself down inside, i work too much, i sleep not enough, i need an outlet for all my pent up anger.

Standing Alone In the World Divided

wow, lots of thing happened since last update, i rly dont update enough,

yesterday i went to bed at 4 pm and got up and 730 today, i rly like skipping meals, makes me feel skinnier.

helped my aunt move today. started work at 9, ended at 310.
that was fun, and she's now living literally accross the street form my other aunt in milan.

uhm... andrea came over, sneaking her in to the house was fun, im surprised we didnt wake up anyone.

i went shopping! yay! i feel like a girl, but my parentsd felt enough pity for me to take me shopping when i GAVE AWAY lik 65% of all the shit in my room, it's still packed full, but just less so now.

ugh i still need some pants.

oh yeah, im goin to the concert with andrea now :]

tomorow i should be hanging out with andrea after hw/chores.

Days go into months, months into years, if we continue like this, we'll dispearse our fears

happy 5 month anniversary love,

we have now been going out for almost 3% of my time here on earth lol, not counting last time :p

BLAH

yeha
that pretty much describes how i feel
and being so im going to write my post in reverse order of how it happened
hamburgers for dinner, came home, checked phone oh shit!, went to toms for the afternoon, couldnt find any weed, got home, busride home pretty amazing "DONT STOP BELIEVING", final final=boring, 5th final=easy, finished 30 mins before everyone else, andrea passed her math class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, wake up, 14 hours of sleep, take a nap that turns into sleep, go home, take 4th final=easy, take 3rd final=not as easy but still easy, wake up, go to bed, come home from andreas house, have fun at both of andreas houses, shopping!, go home with andrea, take 2nd final=easy as fuck, take 1st final=not so easy, wake up, go to bed, review all day, wake up, go to bed, review 2-6 hours, set up art gallery 1st hour, wake up, go to bed, scouts, chores, homework, church, wake up, go to bed, go to "pirates who never do anything"

im tired
and bored,
but i get to see andrea tonight :]

Baby, We Were Meant To Be

wow.
thanks andrea :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
it's days like today that remind me of why i live,
and today seemed to fix everything wrong that happened between us andrea, i feel like we just started going out again, so madly in love with each other.

oh, and thnx fortaking wht you took :]
(NOT MY VIRGINITY COTE YOU LITTLE PERVERT xD)

Do you ever tell yourself, dont try? dont try to let yourself down.

wow
im really down right now, but not like depressed to the point where it hurts, just sad and want to be left alone.

today was a pretty uneventful day, drifted through it like nothing else and i waas horny as fuck all day so i kinda got my hopes up for andreas house tonight... but i shouldnt have done that because shes at her sisters house goddamnit.

so tomorow want to see sweeney todd with her and then tomorow night we'll hang out.
maybe the weekend wont be as bad as the week was.

Do you ever feel like your alone?

oh goddd

now for my super emo deep thoughtful post ive been putting off

do you ever get the feeling that no matter how close you get to someone, they always seem to stay just out of reach? like every step you take closer and hold on tighter is another step the take away and they slip. i dont know whats wrong i swear it, but i feel kind of pulled away lately, like all this week i havent felt like i should, i havent felt really happy, i feel really empty and sad. i get the feeling that andrea's not telling me something, like there's something on her mind but she's afraid of my reaction if she says it. i feel... distant from people lately, even when im talking with them and cracking jokes... i dont feel like anyone truely cares about me. i mean, i know some of you do, but like... idk, it's weird.

i've got too much shit bottled up inside me right now. i need to go out and kill something or something along those lines, my mind is just flooded with these angry thoughts and i keep them to myself and i have no way of letting them out. i need something to destroy or tear apart, my mind is just flooded and i keep thinking in circles.

I've got alot on my mind recently, nat, andrea, grades, other people, myself and what i might get done soon hopefully, shit i need to buy, etc. and it's just all like fgalling on me so heavily cuz finals are seriously next wednesday and i have reviews due tomorow that im not sure if ill be able to finish them.

day 3 without sleeping pills and im crashing inside. my psych doesnt really listen to me about my problems, it's always about my family's problems and whats on them and etc etc. isn't it sposed to be about me and fixing my problems? oh wait, there is no cure from a guy who doesnt understand that i can see right through every single one of his questions.

Andrea-
god there's so much on my mind about her... idk, it doesnt seem like we talk like we used to, maybe it's my imagination or it's the lack of sleep, but you havent been smiling as much or letting yourself have fun, i think i might be doing the same and we need to stop it, its hurs me to look in to your eyes and not see the happiness i once saw, i love you, so much, and i wish i could show it to you some way, but i feel like we're kind of falling apart and i dont want that to happen, not again.


i now have every single symptom for maniacle depression. im never hungry anymore and the only reason i eat is because i know i have to.

i havent been able to relax in god knows how long.




anyone want to shoot me for me? i know ive asked before, but maybe now someone might?

howabout run away with me?

or give me something to make me feel better?

Your regret you made me, it's too late to save me

*sighs*
downer mood right now,
dont feel like moving,
made dinner,
then my parents decided to go out for dinner,
im tired as fuck
and out of pills
and have no stuff for the good,
i drawd a picture
i dont want to go to school tomorow
or the next day
or the next day
or the day after that
maybe the following sunday
andreaaaaa
call meeeee
if you call now, we can hang out for like 2 and a half hours, maybe

please?
i feel so lonely right now, and i rellly need someone to hold me.

It's the first day of spring, and im full of nothing.

Why are we so fucked up?

why?

all we did was live a life that we thought was right,

now look at us, nothing,

we have nothing,

we were given the world,

and we said we didn't want it,

we were given the world,

But it was full of shit,




today was a day where i just felt like a robot, moving through the day as if it were a scene in a movie, almost as if i wasn't in control, like someone else was puching the buttons, and i was just moving along, by about 3rd hour i needed a hug, and by 6th hour, when nat sent me a pic msg, i was almost depressed, but thanks to monster i somehow feel like im temporarily back in control,

and it's days like me that scare me,

they scare me because its days like these that i fear mpd, because i have almost all of the symptoms, the only one i dont have is a short attention span.

My packet of sleeping pills is almost out, i fear I won't be awake in school for a few weeks


Andrea, you could never fail me, you are my crutch and i care aboiut what you do and how you hurt yourself, but please, please dont do anyhting stupid, ive been able to hold myself back, and i was the one depressed, im not gonna go out and get stoned or cut, because i dont want to start a chain between us two where one will do something and the other one does another bad thing, no, if someone does something, they should owe it to the other person.

as for your day today, days like those are some of my best, just sitting there, thinking about your past and remembering how fun it was, and wishing to go back to it, just think of this, although you've had fun in the past and you seemed more free, you were also more unaware of life, more naive, and now you're older, wiser, less dumb, and you can still have fun, you just have to throw yourself out there and hope they dont shoot you down, but anyways, thats what im for, just call me or saomething when u feel the way you did,

I love being able to go outside in shorts and a teeshirt, its fucking awesome, so is monster
so yeah, im sore from rockclimbing but whatever,


wait a minute.... if andrea doesnt want me talking about hurting myself, and she would rather have me lie, why does she keep asking me when we're together?... o.0

anyways, my sister and i talked about stuff, shes really the only member of my family (in all of it's entirety) that i can connect with, we talk about how much we hate my mom, how two faced both our parents are, etc etc.

aww shit, my monster's almost out :[

i really miss andrea, and i think she should show up to school tomorow, and if nothing else, if she doesnt want to be there, we'll just skip.


oh... i found where my bro hides his condoms xD cuz i was looking for my socks (he steal them frequently) and they were just sitting right there, next to a box of condoms.

is there such thing as a shotgun funeral?

why do i have to think of these things?
death, suicide, pain, horror, falling, cutting, stabbing, are just a few.
i know you dont like me talking about hurting myself, and i dont want to tell you this so i stop talking, but when you come with me and i have no idea what to say... i just fall more.

my great aunt bertha died, went to her funeral yesterday, then went to andreas house later in the day, her dad got mad at us, then after that i accidently spilled gatorade on my brother's laptop, so now im never allowed on it again.

today i got up at 6 am and went rock climbing, it was fun, all the way up until the very end when we were leaving, my belayer was complimenting me and my dad walks up and asks him to stop because my dad didnt want me to feel good about myself, well dad, you did your job quite well.

i feel like shit, like i usually do atleast once a week. I was thinking about if i ever was in the news, what they'd say and how it would be curved, heres a few snipets of what i could think of:
"Self mutilated..."
"reportidly hated both parents..."
"was seeking mental help..."
"was in sports and accelerated classes..."
etc.


now my lower arms are sore.

and i want to die, or cut, or get wasted, i want something to happen where i dont have to feel this way anymore


but that will never happen, thanks to chronic depression.


i tried to sleep last night, without sleeping pills, i didnt fall asleep until 2 am




so everything in my life is deteriorating pretty much, and those of you who actually know me know that my life wasnt worth shit before, now its even less, and its not gonna turn around any time soon.

i was thinking about my suicide earlier, about how it would make all of you happier, you could just move on, and mostly forget about me, andrea you could go out with one of those other guys who can make you much more happy than i ever could, elise/sahana/everyone else, i doubt you would miss me, im a horrible person, i keep too many secrets and i hold too much in, learn from my mistakes and move on, my family would benefit from it, if not off the life insurance, off from the factthat thats one less mouth to feed and a bunch of less electricity and water expensises over theyears, they wouldnt have to pay for college or even really do anything besides put whats left of me in a box and bury me in the backyard, there's no reason to show respesct for the dead when you showed them no respect when they were alive.

i am nothing, but i exist,
living between the rifts,
ready to jump from cliffs,
maybe, in death ill find bliss,

here i am, once again,

ok so break sucked dick and now im finally back in school.

and ignoring my hw like i was before, only now i have math hw and bio hw, but whatev.

i want to hang out wit andrea soo bad :[

im hoping tomorow i wont be late for school lol

the funeral is saturday, but tomorow i have to go and pay my respects

mizzle is letting me just work on a small clay project until the end of the semester, sounds cool.

i dont think i posted my next semester schedule up here yet..

here it is (in order):

acc alg 2- haverkate
acc eng 9- kaiser
german 1- sloan
P-Fit- Conway
Biology- Ziedas
World History- Eddy