you can have it all, my empire of dirt

god... im so fucked up lately.

"seriously, you look like youre about to go home and kill yourself everyday"

ive had to fight tears/cutting so many times this weeks its not even funny

i think i love school. i love it because while my mind is being swept away in to the abyss of no return that teachers like to call homework, my mind cant focus on the things that are fucking me up.

my dad threw out his back at my football game last thursday so he was a hassle until he left 2 hours ago to go to kalamazoo because my grandpa is having major back surgery there... where my grandpa has a 50/50 chance of living.

my mom has been a bitch like allways. sunday, the first day i got to sleep in in the past two weeks, i was woken up by her pounding on my door, storming in and her yelling at me to get dressed and do yardwork.

i did a 5 person job that woiuld take the whole after noon in about 3 hours.
then i worked out.
then i went to boyscouts,
then i went with andrea to this haunted hayride thing that didnt rly work out

ive been TRYING SO FUCKING HARD to write.
but nothings realy is coming, my mind cant focus, its almost as if i dont want to focus, idk, maybe i think that if i focus to much, ill end up cutting again, cuz right now, nothing in my life is 100% enjoyment. but hey, i guess no pain no gain?

lately ive been feeling as if im strecthing myself too far, ive been trying to give atleast 80% at everything and its starting to show, im stressed, i dont sleep, ive given up talking to my family, but the worst thing is, i feel that ive been giving everything, and recieving practically nothing back, its like feeding a fire, yoiu can throw in your most valuable possesions and no matter what, you only get smoke back.

my hands are raw from lifting weights.

i can jump like the shit now.

but not that it really matter because im never gonna get the ball ever again.

andreas thinking that she tries to hard... but im not really feeling that shes trying at all...

wow, ive been writing for 1/2 an hour

ive taken vikodin twice in the past 2 weeks and i still am not sure what it does for me, i still felt it when my nail was crushed, whatev

the girl who stated the previously stated quote offered to give me a blunt but i didnt fully hear her so i was like "eh, maybe"

my brother used my mom and dads credit cards, stole even more money form them.

my sister is stressed because shes got this huge physics project due, and my mom is pressuring her about college applications.

and here i am, sitting here with stress from football, working out, school, andrea, tam and harp, trying to do my best, boyscouts, transportation, etc. i hardly have any time for my fucking self anymore, and that time, is spent lying awake at night waiting for either the tears or the dreamless sleep.

"back when i was younger, i was someone you'd've liked"