I'm so lonely

When people recognize me in the hallways it startles me.

I need money.

I need people to hang out with so when you ask me what I did to say I can have something more than "nothing."




I love you,


Maybe I'll see you today

She don't use buuter, she don't use cheese, she doesn't use, anything; she uses vaseline

I need someone to tell me what I'm doing is ok,
That I'm not fucking everything up,
That it's not my fault,
That there'll always be someone,
That if I died today it would actually have an impact,


that what I'm seeing, feeling, thinking, is actually reality.

We run on the fumes of injustice, we'll never die with the fuel that you give us

My parents filled my tank :]

I can drive to school this week!

I got the new used album (thank you, love!)

My Eagle prject is really going to be balls out now, the deadline is hopefully the 2nd monday in november. I'm going to need a lot of help with physical labor, it's not hard, just long. (The longest part will be sanding).

We're making 100 of these (out of pine, not oak)



88 of them will be unfinished, so the families that are doing homeschooling for Catechism due to scheduling conflicts/special needs can decorate them. 12 will be finished for classrooms within St. Kenneth's social hall.

I've got to get a presentation of money/time/hours/safety/etc. by a week from tomorrow, then start working on it the week after that.

I'm estimating 3-4 days for making the 88 unfinished ones (one day for cutting out the basic template, one for rounding and sanding, and another 2 for any extra things we have to do) they're the only ones with a deadline (the 2nd monday in novemeber), the other 12 can be done whenever.

I have to get costs and somehow do a fundraiser for it. I'll probably just ask to go up to the alter in church and beg for money like all the priests I hate. But mine really is all volunteer work.

I'll need at least 2 router tables, I have one, does anyone out there know anyone else who would let me borrow it for 2 Saturdays in October?


If you're interested, please let me know. All volunteer work is appreciated!

[he] said I don't hate you, but I just want to save you, while there's still something left to save

I really have changed since I stopped smoking alone.
and started working out three times a week.
and started going to school.
even if I fail at impromptus.

but that's fine.

And I've gotten Nate to stop smoking alone as much as he was.

I agree with you now, it is kind of pathetic.

I think everyone who has ever done it can agree.

It should be social.






He's opening up to me probably more than he has to anyone since his friend Charlie.

Life is going interestingly.




(oh and we got a German assignment to pick and describe our favorite child's toy from our childhood. Over the summer I cleared out my room of my child toys, I don't even remember what I had But I kept the Hodag :D)


for more on hodags:

http://www.hodagpress.com/about.htm

Prison dehydrates me


Would anyone read a book that's told through an inmate's blog?

What would the comments say?

Think of how flexible and unused that entire section of literature is untouched.

And you wouldn't necessarily hear everything that goes on in the prison/in his/her life, just the things that s/he is allowed to write about or wants to write about.

So many different possible story arcs.

I wish I had concentration, I'd be filthy rich.

I let everyone down.

Summer is over.

I still have 125 pages of wuthering heights to read.

I feel like shit for yesterday.




There is no way you cold ever tell me that not getting online wasn't my fault. I wasn't thinking.


I'm really, truly sorry and I won't let it ever happen again. I'm sorry that it even happened once.

I'll wait for you to get online, maybe you slept better than I did.

Jimmy Says It's Better Than Air

This will play out interestingly

If Andrea's mom decides to call my parents, my parents' reactions will be interesting.

I imagine my dad would ground me and keep my mom from doing anything too bad. I'd probably lose my phone and the car for a while (until indoor season probably). No doubt they'd try and do something with my bong/bubbler(if they are told about it). Maybe I'd be forced to go to therapy again, but I think I'd be able to talk myself out of it, the whole "I'm a teenager" thing.

So to counteract that, I'm going to fin someone's house to stash my bong at and hide my bubbler somewhere absurdly hard to reach along with all of my other paraphernalia.

Here's my defence:
My grades haven't changed,
It relieves stress
It helps me after a workout
It helps me sleep
It's social
It's not nearly as bad as drinking
I don't smoke tobacco
I'm still working out
I've never been retarded enough to be caught
I've never brought weed to school
I've never smoked just to smoke (smoke socially)
I haven't gotten in trouble at school since 6th grade, so obviously it hasn't made me into a monster
I don't deal
I don't save money to buy it (I'm an opportunist stoner)
I don't normally plan on doing it
I'm not relying on it
I don't drive on it
I keep everyone within normalcy
At least it's not crack :D


Alternatively, she may choose not to tell my parents and hold it above our heads,

which would be interesting, and mark that she understands her own limits

If she asks me why she shouldn't tell my parents;

I don't deal
I don't endanger anyone else when I'm high
It's really none of her business telling my parents because the only thing she knows is that I have received a bong from Andrea, everything else could be word of mouth
I'll tell them when I'm ready
If she doesn't want me to, I will not smoke with Andrea,
I'm not her kid; not her problem
I didn't get her daughter to smoke first
We are opportunists
Taking things away from her daughter is only going to make her want to cut or do drugs more, not make her want to be an angel,
She has no idea what's going on in my family's life and telling them of this could be absolutely devastating to my family
I don't expect things to ever be the same between me and anyone in her family


If worse comes to worst, she can search me everythime I enter her house :p

i dreamed last night.

People talked to me.

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.

Man was made to build or destroy.

One or the other.

I built myself up and then i proceeded to tear myself down.

You got in the way of my complete destruction (where I've stalled out for the past 2 years).

I honestly don't know if I'd be better or worse off if we broke up (not saying that we should).

I try not to think about it.

I couldn't wait, 'til I got home, to spend the time in my room alone

It seems to me that my mind is falling into a routine. I'll wake up around 10, eat a small breakfast, be generally frustrated with whatever I'm doing, eat lunch, continue frustration, overcome frustration, be happy, eat dinner, be sad. Then I'm generally depressed until I go to be where I roll around for hours on end until my mind decides to stop hating itself enough to let me fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

Why do I hate myself?
Why do I avoid being myself at all costs?
Why does it seem like I'd be willing to do anything to be someone else?

Anyways, I'm in the depressed category right now and it seems to be getting more and more serious. When I get depressed it isn't just a "oh, I don't feel like doing anything" depression, it's normally a "I'm not going to do anyhting but if somehting happens around me it'll generally send me into a downward spiral until I eventually think about suicide in a very, VERY casual manner" depression.

I scare myself. Some days it seems all but certain that in the end, I'm going to take my own life, whereas other times (sometimes it's a matter of minutes, hours, or days) I feel like I'm untouchable.

When I get high, especially alone, I can actually feel the pleasure center of my brain ignite. It starts of as like a yawn, but it rocks back in my brain into an almost shudder and when it's over, I feel fine.

Today I felt my pleasure center open for about 20 minutes without any stimulation at all, but then I fell right back into depression.

I think I need antidepressants. Or anti-anxiety. Or just plain anything to stop making me hate myself.

It's crazy, my emotions, they'll tell me to write something one second, and by the time i have the pen and paper, my creativity is gone so I get depressed again.










I'm so goddamn lonely here.
And I'm so goddamn tired.
And I'm so goddamn stressed.
And it seems like it'll never end.
(Especially now that school is approaching)






p.s:

Summer,

Where did you go?

in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

My car is clean!
And filled with fluids.


Tomorrow I head off to beach vault :]
My mom said I can go with Andrea on vacation :]
I've almost got a full six pack :]


Oh, and I've got notes for you, love, don't let me forget! :]


Life is good



(three nights in a row now I couldn't fall asleep because I kept waking up and thinking about how much I love you)

He's the most Pathetic thing I have ever seen

It was a preacher,
The man of the masses of God,
He begged for money,
He begged for love,
He told us to be worthless,


basically he said that we should give him and the church all of our worldly possessions because other people need it more than we do. then he told us about how he gives to THREE different charities (all of which are self-suportive and CATHOLIIC AND NOT IN NEED). Then he read us a few passages which said give, give GIVE!" Then he told us about the starving people in haiti. then heasked for our money. then he told us god saves all who gives. then he gave us instructions on how to give to his charity. then he told us it was a good investment. then he told us giving money to the church is better than buying food that you need with that same money. then he told us how he swore an oath of poverty. then he asked for our money.


My thoughts:
his dad was wealthy and powerful
he didnt get enough hugs
he joined preisthood
lost his inheritence
he begs for money



ta-da!

Far away for far too long

i started fantasizing about you...


it was nice ^.^


(see you soon, love)

last night was the most fun i've had in a while.


we all (besides my sister) broke out the booze and watched the internationalist, it's a rather anticlimactic movie with a giant hole for an ending.

then we talked for like 2 hours about random stuff and shared stories, etc.

eventually we ended up talking about polevaulting and other track sports.

I woke up today and no hangover to :]

life would be good if my parents weren't gonna be here in like an hour.

Ain't no rest for the wicked

I know exactly where I am



















































But I'm lost without you

I stumble

stupid keyboard, having a tiny button instead of a key for the space and the "?".

anyways, i like the stumble feature, keeps my tired self entertained before I pass out.

http://nedroid.com/2009/05/party-cat-full-series/

http://www.pharmacytechs.net/blog/old-school-medicine-ads

http://funster.us/2009/06/mans-best-friend-no-this-post-is-not-about-a-dog-but-about-a-little-different-pet/

http://rateyourmusic.com/list/ByteMe/the_origins_of_band_names/

Good news!
My aunt cancelled the painting job for tomorrow and thursday

Bad news...
I won't be getting the 45$ she was going to pay me...

How am I going to fund my playtime at camp now?

I pray not to be forgotten

!!

My campout isnt until saturday morning! woot!

So maybe i'll see you tonight, love.

Also, I got a hookup for Josh's and Jake's

:]

Life is decent-good

I swear I'm not alright

I want to die
-except not really

I want to have more friends
-but they only let me down

I want to be a better person
-but everyone else seems to hate me, so why bother?

I want to get invited to things
-but i never am able to go anyways, so why should they?

I want people to notice the subtle things I do
-but I'm always asking people to be blunt

I want people to need me
-but I want to be able to leave at any time

I want to feel pain

I want to get better
-but I enjoy it

I want to not like the feeling I get when I'm depressed

I want to not be addicted to altered senses
-but they help me get away

I want to not have my reputation
-but I spent years wishing I could have it

I don't want to be who I am anymore
-but what if other peoples' lives are worse

I wish I could live up to half of the expectations I put myself up to

I want to skydive
-fer sure

I want to be impressive
-every time someone compliments me I can't accept it, I am not good, I am not great, I am not perfect, I am decent, but nothing better

I want people to like me
-but people suck

I want someone to identify with me
-but it's hard to open up to anyone

I fear death
-but I eagerly await it

I am anti-religion
-but I go to church

I am anti-government
-but I go to school, drive on city roads, use the internet, etc.

I want to be where I was
-even for a brief moment

In that moment there was complete happiness




If a picture's worth a thousand words,
My blood is at least worth three,
"I need you," are the words
You should say to me,

But no one ever cares,
For the one who self-sustains,
And no one comes to rescue me
From any of my pains,

But they're locked out,
Of my head and my thought,
So,They, instead of knocking,
Stand outside and gawk,

If anyone would give an effort,
To try to get me to speak,
And a truly valiant effort,
Would let them see I'm weak,

On the inside I'm another
Hypocrite, like I hate,
The kind of guy who'd put you down,
Then ask you on a date,

I have developed this double personality,
Hoping to be something new,
But now I'm here, I realized,
I want to be one of you,

But that'll never happen,
I belong alone,
The one who can't be anything,
Except alone and stoned,

So since I'll never be accepted,
And I'll be forever broken,
I'll blow through my last bowl,
And stop all my tokin',

But once the ember in that bowl
Extinguishes itself,
I will follow in it's steps,
And take out my own life.


I don't know if I mean any of that.

When Feeling Happy Gets Depressing

Well, here I am again (at my keyboard, that is)

I've been really lonely lately, I just wake up, go to school, go to track, come home, do homework/chores/eat, go to bed. It gets really depressing eventually.

Now, how did I get there? Lets think;

I switched my comedy, I went from a blatant, out there, easy to understand comedy to a very dark, twisted, ironic and satirical comedy; But I found out no one wants to think enough to understand satire. About 2 weeks ago I started reverting back to the oldstyle and it's picking back up now, but in the very begining it was weird; I'd tell a joke and everyone would just sort of stare at me.

I switched my classes. I wish it didn't affect me that much, but now I sit next to people who don't even want to be in school, they tolerate it and get no enjoyment out of it. Granted, it also doesn't depress them, but they're very boring. In 1st hour I'm surrounded by nerds/obnoxious people/assholes, in 2nd hour I only have Chelsea to talk to, no offense, you're really nice and all, but I need someone who maybe even sometimes has as much energy as I do, 3rd hour is the only class I'm perfectly all right in, I'm surrounded by my friends, Blake is a bit annoying, and Gabby could stand to back off of my discussions sometimes, but it's ok. Fourth hour I sit in the very far corner next to this girl who doesn't even talk, she sits there and takes notes, the whole fucking hour. Fifth hour is OK, but I've had MUCH better english classes. Sixth hour is ok when we are all awake, but every now and then someone is an asshole or I'm having an off day, but its ok for the mostpart.

I started Track. I know excercise is good for you and all (believe me, physically I'm feeling much better), but when everyday of the week you get home after 6 and then get done with eating and dinner around 7 and then have dishes until 7:30 and then you've got homework, it gets tedious. Peterman yelled at me a week ago because I cut the workout Vern gave us in half and let everyone leave early. I know I shouldn't've, but it wasn't his problem and he was only doing slideboes anyways, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me.

I stoped making an effort. I'm coasting in my classes, I'm doing the minimum with friends. I know , I know, it's my fault.

I've spent every day of free time with Andrea. Not that it's not fun, it's just that I do need other people, someone to make new stories with. I can't tell you very much because you're with me the whole time. I need a bigger net. Swing life away just began on my ipod. THAT"S IRONY BITCHES! :p

I haven't blogged. Andrea really opened my eyes the other night when she told me that my blog is my main way of communicating with the outside world. I never really thought of it that way, but yeah, I guess it is. So here I am world, what do you want?

Now to a different, but similar topic.

About a week ago I was walking down the hallway, and for some reason I felt extremely lonely without any reason. Andrea might have been with me but I don't know. It happened all day so yeah, she had to have been there atleast one time with me. Anyways, I was walking along and looking at the people I knew in the hallway, they looked normal until I got to their eyes. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that I knew was looking at me either as if I were mad or as if they hated me. It scarred me. People I didn't even know were giving me the kind looks and people who I thought should atleast be acknowledging me were simply staring me down. I told Jillian about it after school as I passed her on my way to backstage and she said that maybe it was my subconcious telling me to go out and meet new people. Perhaps.

I feel like that since the begining of this semester I've just kind of been floating. No one has cared enough to grab ahold of me and care about or for me. It's been me working for me with the occasional help from Andrea, but it's like free fslling, it's ok until you hit the bottom.

I'm worried what's going to happen this summer, will I get a job? Can I even get a job? I'm going to be gone atleast 3 weeks of the summer and 2 weekends. Will anyone want to hang out with me? will anyone even bother to think of me when they're getting friends together? Maybe I can get a job mowing lawns in my neighborhood, I don't know.

Another thing, people I used to be friends with now don't even acknowledge me in the hallway. I'll walk past them and smile or nod or anything and they will either not see or not care enough to return the action. If that doesn't make a person feel lonely, nothing will.

At the begining of the semester Isaac asked me an interesting question; If I gave up APUSH to have a social life, why do I sit with the people who "have no social life" during lunch? I've made up many an excuse for it, but I think that in the end I just don't have as many friends as I thought I would have.

Which brings me to my theory;
9th grade is for finding new people and making a few new friends

The summer following that is for finding out who really is your friend

10th grade is the thinning of friends

The summer following is the end of the loneliness and the begining of coming together

11th grade is where people start hanging out with farther friends and friends of friends

That summer is filled with running around with other people

12th grade everyone hangs out with everyone, just trying to tie up all loose ends before you leave to go off to quite possibly, a new life.

That summer you say goodbye.



All's I have to do is ride it out. (hopefully)




P.S: I realized a week ago that even when I was feeling happy, I was getting depressed, hence the name

One step foreward, two steps back

I snuck out and drove over to andreas house last night,
she cried in happiness,
but really im just sorry it got to the point where shes THAT happy that I actually came over, I'm happy that I did, but it's a very sad happy.

My dad's surgery is (as far as we know) thursday

My grandma fell on saturday and broke her hip, my dad left that day and she had her surgery yesterday; it went well but she needs to be in rehab for about 3 weeks

My grandpa (same side of the family) had a drug overdose/complication yesterday, he took some of my grandma's medication to fall asleep, which fucked him up, he's ok now though, as far as we know.

My sister's spending the summer in Houghten this year, she's not even going to come home.

Joe's doing just peachy at central, as far as i know.

Our first track meet is in a week.

Im so tired.

I love you.










Im sorry.

Everyday

Everyday seems a little bit worse to me,
They hold me down,
Every one,
Two days ago I was tired, but happy,
Yesterday I was fine, then I found out my dad had spent the day in the hospital, sick,
Today was ok until I went to track, where I was told to shut up and stop whinning because I suggested that we not work out the the team and instead set up the pits, then everyone who has ever had anything against me all got together and talked like I wasnt there,
The, on the rie home, I was informed that my mother is now unemployed and we have no insurance.

Great life



Oh, and it seems like everyday the depression I was trying to fight out of bights me a little more; today I played with the idea of breaking up with andrea simply because then I could choose to kill myself whenever.


I'm making a notebook of my memories from my past, maybe someday someone will want to read it.

See Below Pichurz.... NOT

So yeah, you can see what happened friday night on love's blog, but i still think she shouldnt have gotten mad, it's a perfectly normal response from her body after what she had not to be... excited.

ANYWAYS

im still clean, i havent had anything and im gonna keep it up for next month and maybe a little longer.

Ive had 14 hours of sleep in the past 48.

this weekend was really a waste of time, i learned a little about my character (medicine man "meteu") and how to pronounce somethings and inflect my voice at what points and whatnot, but i think this group will really just be the bare minimum, whatever we can get away with with doing the least amount of effort.

We went bowling, my ball was eradict, I would get a strick and then two zeros, it was interesting (i got 94 on game 1 and 104 on game 2)

Mr Rosiek needs to learn to be able to tell when someone doesnt want to carry on a conversation anymore.

My mom just put a timer on me and i still have to upload the below and need to check everything else.

She uses timers cuz she cant trust anyone cuz shes an impersonal bitch.

And now my printer's not scanning, wonderful, so here's what I answered for the last question of Trombly's homework:

Q: What danger do teenagers ignore? How can teenagers be educated to take dangers seriously?

A:
Teenagers ignore the fact that even the slightest loss of attention to what one is doing can be fatal. Teenagers can be educated of danger by having them see EVERY side of an issue, not just the scare-tactics of public school because we are so dulled to scare tactics throughout the years of toilet-bowl "learning" (and I use that term loosely as it is more years of toilet-bowl memorizing and forgetting right after the test) that it would be required once that if we are to truely "learn" and "understand" danger in our lives we should be given a truely unopinionated view point of an issue from every angle. However, it is impossible to teach something to a large group of people without inutting some form of opinion, thus someone will eventually get fed up with it and eventually quit, thereby undermining and proving the ineffectiveness of a public school. This is also the reason why people drop out of school, it's not that they don't want to learn; they just don't want to learn their teacher's opinions. The solution to this is to program computers to teach students, but then the programming could be biased and people think computerized teaching dehumanize students. So our society continues along down the same road of memorizing opinionated "Facts" and forgetting them and having dropouts. Oh, and if I get marked down due to anything other than "wandering answer" it just prooves what I just said; an opinion is being forced upon me from the public school system and it's collective set of morals. It's 4am and even if I get marked down for this answer I don't care because it got my point across.


(everything above is written on the back of my sheet, let's see if she reads it.)


And as for my opinionated response of how I feel about Naturalism?

A:
This is a good philosophy for explaining nature and even possibly destroying religion through natural science, but as a story-telling philosophy it falls short due to lack of personalities.

OHAI!

im sorry i havent been posting much lately

ive been falling back into my own little hole, the same one i fell into four years ago when i became depressed and suicidal, but last time it was due to the stress of maturing physically by myself, and it definantly was sahana and elise who saved me from that one, so i owe you guys a thank you..

anyways, now im feeling more and more pressure from my family, we're putting both of my siblings thru college and my dad just got laid off, we have no stress relief. It's amazing how screwed over the last child always is in my dad's side of the family, his dad is the youngest and last, but the one just older than him sold everything the family had inherited and wasted it all on an alchohol addiction so gramps never got any, then my dad was born simply to be a play toy for his brother, then his brother went off and died of an untreatable childhood cancer and in order to allow his parents to recover from that (financially and emotionally) dad took up college for free thanks to our wonderful navy. the navy, however, only would let him in if he took oceanography, so he took oceanography as his major. Now my dad' is 47, jobless, and has a degree in oceanography, WHO THE FUCK WANTS AN OCEANOGRAPHER IN MICHIGAN? so im stuck here, with my senile mother (who i found out the other day couldnt stop crying when i was born) and a dad, who as of 5pm friday has no job. atleast my brother and sister arent here to feel the same stress Im under; they're off away in college, living the stress free life they always wanted away from mom and dad, and now it looks like im going to have to end up spending two years at schoolcraft and then transfering to hawaii simply because of the costs.

My brother hasnt called home in over two months, we think he's planning on doing a transfer thingy with a school in china, why's he so into asian chicks? idk... but it really bothers me that he hasnt called AT ALL, i mean, i understand that you dont like mom and maybe you disagree with dad, but i mean, come oon, you are the one who fucked up your life by failing college by NOT GOING

My dad just called, apparently he's having a bad reaction to the shot they gave him today (it's the second time they're giving him this shot cuz the first time didnt work) it's supposed to relax the nerves around his bad back and basically be a straight to the source pain killer, we'll see how it goes.

My sister just got over a very bad case of the flu, apparently she couldnt leave her dorm for a week so now she's got to reintegrate into society and her roommate has to be "proactively treated" she also just broke up with her boyfriend because she "wasnt enough of a challenge"

my mom is still crazy, but she's gotten work as a part time clown (still) and she just got a job for a 16' arch, she said she'll pay me, i hope she pays in cell phone minutes.

I'm going clean for march, and possibly for all of the entirty of spring. Im doing this to let my body catch up to me in sleep, growth, etc. and so i dont kill myself. Ive been noticing im more depressed recently, it's not the hard hiting depression like the one i was in a while back, but the edge of it has been taken off, im lethargic, bored, unexciting. I dont like it.

I looked around today, I asked andrea a simple question,
where's all our friends go?
where did you guys go? i mean, i know ive been busy and youve been busy but lately it seems like the only peoplle who have been reaching out to me to see me have been for the chemicals that happen to be in my possesion, i know ive kind of put myself in this hole, but why is no one calling anymore? no one even messages me on facebook or myspace. seriously guys, come on, what happened to all of the friendships we used to have together? whatever happened to wasting days at the rec and then being kicked out and going to dairy barn cuz we wanted ice cream? whatever happened to having fun without the need of chemicals? Whatever happened to you? i want to know, i miss you guys and im really sorry if it seems like ive been avoiding you but the truth is i loved all of you and for quite a while you guys were the only things keeping me from going off and killing myself.

That reminds me, i had a disturbing thought on the bus home today, that the only thing holding me back from a constant spiral downward (like i was) is andrea, she's the only reason im trying to go clean, im not doing it really for myself, god knows i dont care if i die, im doing it for her, she's less happy lately because im less happy, and i figure im less happy because ive been doing harder shit than weed, i mean heavy duty alchohol and codene. it's killed my REM cycles and my sex drive and i want both of them back, so if i let my body step back for a while and breath, im hoping ill get back to being my old self again

I apologize, love, for the other night, it scared me the fuck out, i couldnt stop myself, i can see why people get addicted to that shit, so im stopping, for you and me.

My aunt told me that her doctor had infrormed her that her dad (my grampa sidick) has schizophrenic tendencies, i can see it.

Im sorry for my family, mainly ue to my mom and her family, mental diseases come down hard from both my grandpa and grandma's sides of the family, and then they went and had kids, so now their kids (my mom and her sisters) have the highest chance of having a mental disorder there is possible in a child without it being born with the illness. I, however, come from that on my moms side and addictions on my dads side, but i figure that I'm one step above the worst and I'm hoping that i dont go as crazy as them. I figure that im doing the world a favor by keeping my crazy genes out of the pool.

My dad's home, i g2g

Call me, anytime
if you dont know my # message me

oh yeah, i've had ideas for lyrics for a while now but i cant seem to put them down right
"she keeps her shot glass right in front of the can opener"
"The angel fell off the tree and the tree burst into flame"
"everytime you call i have a knife ready"
"Your sweat is saltier than your tears"

'Cause baby I'm not alright when you go, I'm not fine.

4:16 PM
Andrea: -hello?
Carl: hello
-you disappear from time to time
and our time is short as it is.
im sorry
-i just miss you is all.
i hardly get to see you
and i can only imagine how much i'd see you if I actually had a life. It would pretty much be only at school.
and then we barely talk when you're online.
and you don't blog anymore.
and now i've gotten really depressed.
why?
-just thinking about all that stuff.
because im not talking to you nonstop?
i run out of things to say, love
-but you never used to!
how am i supposed to feel when I keep trying to talk to you and you never respond?
i respond...
-occasionally. after 10 minutes maybe.
i never used to because we hadnt known each other this long
ive told you everything there is to know about me
and now i know what believe is everything about you
and we experience eveything together
-so. no one can ever run out of things to say.
so its not like anyhting new is happeneing
i hardly ever went and hung out with anyone before to make new things to talk about and now i dont go out at all
tom doesnt talk to me
dakota doesnt talk to me
no one talks to me
my lunches are boring
my classes are boring
-and mine arent'?
what do you want me to say?
im not saying that they arent
-it's not like I really talk to anyone either.
in class maybe.
im just saying i cant give you anything when there's nothing to give
you atleast get phonecalls from other people!
-you can at least try and talk to me. i hate feeling like i'm talking to myself.
im all alone in this house
-yeah, from dillon maybe.
about drugs.
And I'm not?
and from natalie
-I'm alone until 9
and natalie
-do you know how rare those phonecalls are?
and when you go online atleast you have people to talk to
them seem to happen all the time when im over
if you get called once a month from someone other than me thats more than i get called
and even if all its about is drugs, atleast they're talking to you
-God. What do you want me to say? I don't want to fight about this.
Things were finally going well again.
I just wanted you to talk to me!
about what love?
ive got nothing to talk about
-anything! I keep trying and trying
give me a subject then
-what do you mean?
give me something to talk about
im not gonna sit here and talk about my day because you were there when it happened
-talk about what you want to do for your party. talk about what you want for your birthday. tell me what you want from me.
but i dont want anything!
-tell me about what you did when you were little.
thats the problem
-THat's the problem! You give me answers like that.
everytime people get together for me things go horribly wrong and someone ends up getting in trouble
-Did you really think about that or was that the first thing that came to mind?
and now you're the one who's doubting.
because its happened many times before
i dont doubt things ive never tried
i doubt things ive tried and failed
-Same here. Like all of yesterday, when I needed my schedule changed? I doubted things would get done because NO ONE was doing them for me.
And you could be so positive then!
because youd only talked to people who couldnt help yo
-so? and I'm telling you that I can help your party? Why are you doubting me?
and when you talked with someone who had authority, things happened, what a coincidence
im doubting you because i doubt myself
-stop it! I hate that about you.
i know that if this party actually does come together im probably going to end up suicidal
why? ecause thats how i always end up after my birthday
and after every holiday involving celebrating me or kids like me
-then what do you want from me? tell me that at least!
i want to be happy without any chance of not being
why do you think i get high
no chance of failure
-it doesn't work that way!
i know it doesnt
which is why i disassociate
and detach
-but you disassociate from me.
and that's what hurts.
but if more than one person could recognize that and oh, i dont know, maybe help me out and actually treat me like a friend instead of someone who amuses them for an hour a day
-and this whole conversation hurts and i'm sorry that we even started it.
maybe then i wouldnt be so distant from reality
peple dont realize how much i need them
and i need you, love
-then why are you getting mad at me?
but this past week has been to the point where ive got no one and no one's got me
-you have me!
and it's not like I'm any better off.
I have NOTHING.
because you were my only lifeline and for somereason you just made things worse since monday
-i have you.
and ive been helping you and helping you
and due to fucking rules we cant even control i cant even see you
i can't help you more
and it makes me feel like ive failed
-so how is it that i've made things worse since monday?
and it makes me feel like if i cant see you, then youre becoming more and more like the other people who dont even care about me
-I do care! That's the problem, it seems like you care less about me.
Before it used to be that you would do anything for me/
and it seems like you don't go nearly as far.
because im tied down now
-that's not what I was talking about.
i know you're busy.
that can't be helped.
everyday i see you
-but we're not together.
and everyday some other guy is talking to you when im there
its frustrating
-and what do you want me to do about that? not have a social life?
ignore all of my friends?
suddenly, the only person who accepts me shoves me out of her mind while she deals with this other guy
-don't you think I hate it when you talk to other girls when I'm there.
which is never
-when you would talk with sam?
sam?
who is sam
-God. I hate her for just being her, and then you would talk to her in the hallways and be pals?
You know tom's ex. Sam.
oh
i dont talk to her
-You did.
hardly ever
-I would see you talking to her all the time.
ive said maybe three or four things to her in the past month
-and before then?
and do you notice that as soon as you come by you're the center of all my attention?
before then i would talk to her for thirty seconds between a hall and b hall everyday, ON MY WAY TO PICK UP YOU
sorry if there's no one else to talk to at that point
-I hate fighting with you. I hate this.
you make me feel horrible and i can never get what I feel across to you before you shoot it down
and it's not like i was ever very good at arguing in the first place, and you've built most of your life around it.
you've already beaten me. There's nothing I can say to you that will make you understand how I feel. and it's not like you really try anyhow.
please stop talking ike that
-why
it sounds like youre breaking up with me
-no no no no no no
never. never.
i promise you.
i'm just tired of fighting with you because I always lose and it hurts.
im tired too
ive got alot of pent up anger though
and i think thats whats holding me back right now
everyday now i get depressed in a different class, though it tends to be 6th hour
and i was really hoping thatd be a fun class
and its such a downer
its annoying
-i know
and i cant really talk to anyone
besides you
-and why not?
because they arent interested
you are my only close friend
i have other friends, but none of them are close to me
-because most people are only in it for themselves. That's the number one rule, love.
but where'd the group of frienbds we had last year go?
-you know that you are my only close friend.
like who?
like tam and allison and tom and dakota and them
i feel like they're abandoning us
i find no reason to put up my blog because youre the only one who cares
-i don't know. either we grew apart from them or they weren't interested anymore.
and i tell you everything
so i dont feel the need to post
-but that's exactly it! I care about what you have to say. And you don't tell me everything. You know yourself that's a lie.
because im afraid that if i tell you everything and if for some unseeable reason we break up ill be left completely defensless without anyone or anything
already im looking at serious drug addiction
-I told you. we will not break up. I'm not going to leave you, and you've told me time and time again that you would never leave me.
how do you mean?
if we broke up
i wouldnt be able to look at myself
-and I would?
id be doing so many hard drugs
-I would most likely be dead.
cutting, morphine, etc
-it's only you I care about.
Grades, life, health. I don't care about any of that.
its only you i love and only you i fear
-Just you.
you hold in your head the power to completely destroy me
-and I would never.
and youre the only person like that
-you know that.
it scares me
-i would never ever.
i love you more than anything else in the world and i'm not sure if you realize it.
I would trade anything and everything for you.
ive never been loved before
-but you're loved now! and have been for the last year and a half!
more than that even.
all of that summer.
and before that.
right now in my life its getting to the point where i feel completely unneeded
-but I need you. a lot.
i can't get through the day with out you.
you're the only one who can make me smile.
but i need you
so the feeling is moot
-exactly 
but I still want to know what you're thinking.
i need to be needed by someone else
i need to be needed more than i need
-but you are!
you have no idea.
because no one says anything
-because people are like that.
im supposed to live in silent, unkown gratification?
-lolz. it's not silent. I'm shouting it out to you.
not everyone else will say it, but they do.
but i need to know it
-And how would they go about telling you?
just a thank you sometimes would be greatly appreciated
i feel like im selling pieces of myself for the silent, hungry crowds of the masses who enjoy my humor
-lolz. you know as well as I that the world isn't built on manners anymore.
But that's just it!
You making them laugh, entertaining them, they need that!
It's their laughter that is your thank you.
but its not appreciated
-but it is!
and noone reads my poetry
and noone notices how much what i say is, although harsh, is true and that it helps them expand their own minds
-imagine all those times where you walk out of a classroom feeling like it was one of the best moments of your life. Now imagine if those people didn't make you feel good?
but they do love!
you just can't see it!
im trying to help people realize shit and when they do realize it they completely forget me
-that's how the world is love.
there's not much I can do about everyone else.
love
ive got to go right now
-right now?
even though im really vulnerable
yeah
-like immediately?
polevault
-right.
yeah
-ok
do me a favor?
-when you come home, you call me.
on my dad's phone
copy and past this onto my blog
-so it's not long distance
and I will love.
I love you very much.
Don't ever forget that or think otherwise.
i love you too
-Please.
im sorry i got mad
-it's ok.
no its not
-i got mad at you yesterday and the day before.
you feel just as bad when you get mad at me
-it's fine.
no its not
im sorry
-you still deserve a day about you. and you still do.
and you're forgiven.
i love you
-i love you too.
bye
-bye