Well, here I am again (at my keyboard, that is)
I've been really lonely lately, I just wake up, go to school, go to track, come home, do homework/chores/eat, go to bed. It gets really depressing eventually.
Now, how did I get there? Lets think;
I switched my comedy, I went from a blatant, out there, easy to understand comedy to a very dark, twisted, ironic and satirical comedy; But I found out no one wants to think enough to understand satire. About 2 weeks ago I started reverting back to the oldstyle and it's picking back up now, but in the very begining it was weird; I'd tell a joke and everyone would just sort of stare at me.
I switched my classes. I wish it didn't affect me that much, but now I sit next to people who don't even want to be in school, they tolerate it and get no enjoyment out of it. Granted, it also doesn't depress them, but they're very boring. In 1st hour I'm surrounded by nerds/obnoxious people/assholes, in 2nd hour I only have Chelsea to talk to, no offense, you're really nice and all, but I need someone who maybe even sometimes has as much energy as I do, 3rd hour is the only class I'm perfectly all right in, I'm surrounded by my friends, Blake is a bit annoying, and Gabby could stand to back off of my discussions sometimes, but it's ok. Fourth hour I sit in the very far corner next to this girl who doesn't even talk, she sits there and takes notes, the whole fucking hour. Fifth hour is OK, but I've had MUCH better english classes. Sixth hour is ok when we are all awake, but every now and then someone is an asshole or I'm having an off day, but its ok for the mostpart.
I started Track. I know excercise is good for you and all (believe me, physically I'm feeling much better), but when everyday of the week you get home after 6 and then get done with eating and dinner around 7 and then have dishes until 7:30 and then you've got homework, it gets tedious. Peterman yelled at me a week ago because I cut the workout Vern gave us in half and let everyone leave early. I know I shouldn't've, but it wasn't his problem and he was only doing slideboes anyways, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me.
I stoped making an effort. I'm coasting in my classes, I'm doing the minimum with friends. I know , I know, it's my fault.
I've spent every day of free time with Andrea. Not that it's not fun, it's just that I do need other people, someone to make new stories with. I can't tell you very much because you're with me the whole time. I need a bigger net. Swing life away just began on my ipod. THAT"S IRONY BITCHES! :p
I haven't blogged. Andrea really opened my eyes the other night when she told me that my blog is my main way of communicating with the outside world. I never really thought of it that way, but yeah, I guess it is. So here I am world, what do you want?
Now to a different, but similar topic.
About a week ago I was walking down the hallway, and for some reason I felt extremely lonely without any reason. Andrea might have been with me but I don't know. It happened all day so yeah, she had to have been there atleast one time with me. Anyways, I was walking along and looking at the people I knew in the hallway, they looked normal until I got to their eyes. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that I knew was looking at me either as if I were mad or as if they hated me. It scarred me. People I didn't even know were giving me the kind looks and people who I thought should atleast be acknowledging me were simply staring me down. I told Jillian about it after school as I passed her on my way to backstage and she said that maybe it was my subconcious telling me to go out and meet new people. Perhaps.
I feel like that since the begining of this semester I've just kind of been floating. No one has cared enough to grab ahold of me and care about or for me. It's been me working for me with the occasional help from Andrea, but it's like free fslling, it's ok until you hit the bottom.
I'm worried what's going to happen this summer, will I get a job? Can I even get a job? I'm going to be gone atleast 3 weeks of the summer and 2 weekends. Will anyone want to hang out with me? will anyone even bother to think of me when they're getting friends together? Maybe I can get a job mowing lawns in my neighborhood, I don't know.
Another thing, people I used to be friends with now don't even acknowledge me in the hallway. I'll walk past them and smile or nod or anything and they will either not see or not care enough to return the action. If that doesn't make a person feel lonely, nothing will.
At the begining of the semester Isaac asked me an interesting question; If I gave up APUSH to have a social life, why do I sit with the people who "have no social life" during lunch? I've made up many an excuse for it, but I think that in the end I just don't have as many friends as I thought I would have.
Which brings me to my theory;
9th grade is for finding new people and making a few new friends
The summer following that is for finding out who really is your friend
10th grade is the thinning of friends
The summer following is the end of the loneliness and the begining of coming together
11th grade is where people start hanging out with farther friends and friends of friends
That summer is filled with running around with other people
12th grade everyone hangs out with everyone, just trying to tie up all loose ends before you leave to go off to quite possibly, a new life.
That summer you say goodbye.
All's I have to do is ride it out. (hopefully)
P.S: I realized a week ago that even when I was feeling happy, I was getting depressed, hence the name
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1 comment:
I love you a lot you know. And I do think that you just need to get out more. I know you've had this problem before. And honestly, it doesn't help that you have track practice EVERYDAY after school, especially when you could be using that time to hang out with people. I know you love track, and I know it takes that commitment, but I think that it's not fair to you, or your friends, or even me for that matter.
To be honest, I've always thought that high school sports was ridiculous in itself. They preach for academic excellence, and they preach for living, breathing and dying for sports. It's hard to have both when you can only do one at a time. And as much as it brings kids together, it drives them that much further apart.
I'm glad that you gave up football, and I'm glad that you're still athletic, and I'm glad that you're doing it because you like to, but you have to consider that it's probably another big reason that you're so alone sometimes.
And also, I think you should have a serious talk with your parents about changing that rule about not seeing me during the week, because obviously if you're spending time with me instead of your friends, it's making you lonely. And if you could see me during the week, even for a few hours, you'd have more time to spend with other people.
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