I swear I'm not alright

I want to die
-except not really

I want to have more friends
-but they only let me down

I want to be a better person
-but everyone else seems to hate me, so why bother?

I want to get invited to things
-but i never am able to go anyways, so why should they?

I want people to notice the subtle things I do
-but I'm always asking people to be blunt

I want people to need me
-but I want to be able to leave at any time

I want to feel pain

I want to get better
-but I enjoy it

I want to not like the feeling I get when I'm depressed

I want to not be addicted to altered senses
-but they help me get away

I want to not have my reputation
-but I spent years wishing I could have it

I don't want to be who I am anymore
-but what if other peoples' lives are worse

I wish I could live up to half of the expectations I put myself up to

I want to skydive
-fer sure

I want to be impressive
-every time someone compliments me I can't accept it, I am not good, I am not great, I am not perfect, I am decent, but nothing better

I want people to like me
-but people suck

I want someone to identify with me
-but it's hard to open up to anyone

I fear death
-but I eagerly await it

I am anti-religion
-but I go to church

I am anti-government
-but I go to school, drive on city roads, use the internet, etc.

I want to be where I was
-even for a brief moment

In that moment there was complete happiness




If a picture's worth a thousand words,
My blood is at least worth three,
"I need you," are the words
You should say to me,

But no one ever cares,
For the one who self-sustains,
And no one comes to rescue me
From any of my pains,

But they're locked out,
Of my head and my thought,
So,They, instead of knocking,
Stand outside and gawk,

If anyone would give an effort,
To try to get me to speak,
And a truly valiant effort,
Would let them see I'm weak,

On the inside I'm another
Hypocrite, like I hate,
The kind of guy who'd put you down,
Then ask you on a date,

I have developed this double personality,
Hoping to be something new,
But now I'm here, I realized,
I want to be one of you,

But that'll never happen,
I belong alone,
The one who can't be anything,
Except alone and stoned,

So since I'll never be accepted,
And I'll be forever broken,
I'll blow through my last bowl,
And stop all my tokin',

But once the ember in that bowl
Extinguishes itself,
I will follow in it's steps,
And take out my own life.


I don't know if I mean any of that.