'Cause baby I'm not alright when you go, I'm not fine.

4:16 PM
Andrea: -hello?
Carl: hello
-you disappear from time to time
and our time is short as it is.
im sorry
-i just miss you is all.
i hardly get to see you
and i can only imagine how much i'd see you if I actually had a life. It would pretty much be only at school.
and then we barely talk when you're online.
and you don't blog anymore.
and now i've gotten really depressed.
why?
-just thinking about all that stuff.
because im not talking to you nonstop?
i run out of things to say, love
-but you never used to!
how am i supposed to feel when I keep trying to talk to you and you never respond?
i respond...
-occasionally. after 10 minutes maybe.
i never used to because we hadnt known each other this long
ive told you everything there is to know about me
and now i know what believe is everything about you
and we experience eveything together
-so. no one can ever run out of things to say.
so its not like anyhting new is happeneing
i hardly ever went and hung out with anyone before to make new things to talk about and now i dont go out at all
tom doesnt talk to me
dakota doesnt talk to me
no one talks to me
my lunches are boring
my classes are boring
-and mine arent'?
what do you want me to say?
im not saying that they arent
-it's not like I really talk to anyone either.
in class maybe.
im just saying i cant give you anything when there's nothing to give
you atleast get phonecalls from other people!
-you can at least try and talk to me. i hate feeling like i'm talking to myself.
im all alone in this house
-yeah, from dillon maybe.
about drugs.
And I'm not?
and from natalie
-I'm alone until 9
and natalie
-do you know how rare those phonecalls are?
and when you go online atleast you have people to talk to
them seem to happen all the time when im over
if you get called once a month from someone other than me thats more than i get called
and even if all its about is drugs, atleast they're talking to you
-God. What do you want me to say? I don't want to fight about this.
Things were finally going well again.
I just wanted you to talk to me!
about what love?
ive got nothing to talk about
-anything! I keep trying and trying
give me a subject then
-what do you mean?
give me something to talk about
im not gonna sit here and talk about my day because you were there when it happened
-talk about what you want to do for your party. talk about what you want for your birthday. tell me what you want from me.
but i dont want anything!
-tell me about what you did when you were little.
thats the problem
-THat's the problem! You give me answers like that.
everytime people get together for me things go horribly wrong and someone ends up getting in trouble
-Did you really think about that or was that the first thing that came to mind?
and now you're the one who's doubting.
because its happened many times before
i dont doubt things ive never tried
i doubt things ive tried and failed
-Same here. Like all of yesterday, when I needed my schedule changed? I doubted things would get done because NO ONE was doing them for me.
And you could be so positive then!
because youd only talked to people who couldnt help yo
-so? and I'm telling you that I can help your party? Why are you doubting me?
and when you talked with someone who had authority, things happened, what a coincidence
im doubting you because i doubt myself
-stop it! I hate that about you.
i know that if this party actually does come together im probably going to end up suicidal
why? ecause thats how i always end up after my birthday
and after every holiday involving celebrating me or kids like me
-then what do you want from me? tell me that at least!
i want to be happy without any chance of not being
why do you think i get high
no chance of failure
-it doesn't work that way!
i know it doesnt
which is why i disassociate
and detach
-but you disassociate from me.
and that's what hurts.
but if more than one person could recognize that and oh, i dont know, maybe help me out and actually treat me like a friend instead of someone who amuses them for an hour a day
-and this whole conversation hurts and i'm sorry that we even started it.
maybe then i wouldnt be so distant from reality
peple dont realize how much i need them
and i need you, love
-then why are you getting mad at me?
but this past week has been to the point where ive got no one and no one's got me
-you have me!
and it's not like I'm any better off.
I have NOTHING.
because you were my only lifeline and for somereason you just made things worse since monday
-i have you.
and ive been helping you and helping you
and due to fucking rules we cant even control i cant even see you
i can't help you more
and it makes me feel like ive failed
-so how is it that i've made things worse since monday?
and it makes me feel like if i cant see you, then youre becoming more and more like the other people who dont even care about me
-I do care! That's the problem, it seems like you care less about me.
Before it used to be that you would do anything for me/
and it seems like you don't go nearly as far.
because im tied down now
-that's not what I was talking about.
i know you're busy.
that can't be helped.
everyday i see you
-but we're not together.
and everyday some other guy is talking to you when im there
its frustrating
-and what do you want me to do about that? not have a social life?
ignore all of my friends?
suddenly, the only person who accepts me shoves me out of her mind while she deals with this other guy
-don't you think I hate it when you talk to other girls when I'm there.
which is never
-when you would talk with sam?
sam?
who is sam
-God. I hate her for just being her, and then you would talk to her in the hallways and be pals?
You know tom's ex. Sam.
oh
i dont talk to her
-You did.
hardly ever
-I would see you talking to her all the time.
ive said maybe three or four things to her in the past month
-and before then?
and do you notice that as soon as you come by you're the center of all my attention?
before then i would talk to her for thirty seconds between a hall and b hall everyday, ON MY WAY TO PICK UP YOU
sorry if there's no one else to talk to at that point
-I hate fighting with you. I hate this.
you make me feel horrible and i can never get what I feel across to you before you shoot it down
and it's not like i was ever very good at arguing in the first place, and you've built most of your life around it.
you've already beaten me. There's nothing I can say to you that will make you understand how I feel. and it's not like you really try anyhow.
please stop talking ike that
-why
it sounds like youre breaking up with me
-no no no no no no
never. never.
i promise you.
i'm just tired of fighting with you because I always lose and it hurts.
im tired too
ive got alot of pent up anger though
and i think thats whats holding me back right now
everyday now i get depressed in a different class, though it tends to be 6th hour
and i was really hoping thatd be a fun class
and its such a downer
its annoying
-i know
and i cant really talk to anyone
besides you
-and why not?
because they arent interested
you are my only close friend
i have other friends, but none of them are close to me
-because most people are only in it for themselves. That's the number one rule, love.
but where'd the group of frienbds we had last year go?
-you know that you are my only close friend.
like who?
like tam and allison and tom and dakota and them
i feel like they're abandoning us
i find no reason to put up my blog because youre the only one who cares
-i don't know. either we grew apart from them or they weren't interested anymore.
and i tell you everything
so i dont feel the need to post
-but that's exactly it! I care about what you have to say. And you don't tell me everything. You know yourself that's a lie.
because im afraid that if i tell you everything and if for some unseeable reason we break up ill be left completely defensless without anyone or anything
already im looking at serious drug addiction
-I told you. we will not break up. I'm not going to leave you, and you've told me time and time again that you would never leave me.
how do you mean?
if we broke up
i wouldnt be able to look at myself
-and I would?
id be doing so many hard drugs
-I would most likely be dead.
cutting, morphine, etc
-it's only you I care about.
Grades, life, health. I don't care about any of that.
its only you i love and only you i fear
-Just you.
you hold in your head the power to completely destroy me
-and I would never.
and youre the only person like that
-you know that.
it scares me
-i would never ever.
i love you more than anything else in the world and i'm not sure if you realize it.
I would trade anything and everything for you.
ive never been loved before
-but you're loved now! and have been for the last year and a half!
more than that even.
all of that summer.
and before that.
right now in my life its getting to the point where i feel completely unneeded
-but I need you. a lot.
i can't get through the day with out you.
you're the only one who can make me smile.
but i need you
so the feeling is moot
-exactly 
but I still want to know what you're thinking.
i need to be needed by someone else
i need to be needed more than i need
-but you are!
you have no idea.
because no one says anything
-because people are like that.
im supposed to live in silent, unkown gratification?
-lolz. it's not silent. I'm shouting it out to you.
not everyone else will say it, but they do.
but i need to know it
-And how would they go about telling you?
just a thank you sometimes would be greatly appreciated
i feel like im selling pieces of myself for the silent, hungry crowds of the masses who enjoy my humor
-lolz. you know as well as I that the world isn't built on manners anymore.
But that's just it!
You making them laugh, entertaining them, they need that!
It's their laughter that is your thank you.
but its not appreciated
-but it is!
and noone reads my poetry
and noone notices how much what i say is, although harsh, is true and that it helps them expand their own minds
-imagine all those times where you walk out of a classroom feeling like it was one of the best moments of your life. Now imagine if those people didn't make you feel good?
but they do love!
you just can't see it!
im trying to help people realize shit and when they do realize it they completely forget me
-that's how the world is love.
there's not much I can do about everyone else.
love
ive got to go right now
-right now?
even though im really vulnerable
yeah
-like immediately?
polevault
-right.
yeah
-ok
do me a favor?
-when you come home, you call me.
on my dad's phone
copy and past this onto my blog
-so it's not long distance
and I will love.
I love you very much.
Don't ever forget that or think otherwise.
i love you too
-Please.
im sorry i got mad
-it's ok.
no its not
-i got mad at you yesterday and the day before.
you feel just as bad when you get mad at me
-it's fine.
no its not
im sorry
-you still deserve a day about you. and you still do.
and you're forgiven.
i love you
-i love you too.
bye
-bye