it's been a while..

so yeah, it's been a while since my last update, a week, i think, whatev.

so tomorow im thinking of getting andrea and goinmg to see balls fo fury and making my brother drive cuz he owes me.

my psychologist is as stupid as ever, asking the dumbist of shitty questions.

we won our last football game 34-6, i got 2 carries both for -2 yards, making my average a little under 4 yards per carry. almost blocked a punt, but didnt.

went to the CHS MB swim party last night, really boring, really really boring. everyone there had a bf/gf and they were all making out at one point or another, it got really annoying that you couldnt go anywhere and not see someone making out. plus it made me miss andrea just all that much more.

speaking of andrea i went by her house after the game 2 days ago and dropped off some cake which she says was delicious :D

i went out 'selling' yesterday but only ended up going over to ben shaw's house and playing Halo2 live on his 360 and like 50 in plasma screen.

I should be completely done with my reports tomorow morning.

i had the razor in my hand dancing across my arm two nights ago, but didnt do anything.

my moms still is a bitch

ditto for my dad and sister.

my weekend

saturday:

Grandparents house for grandma's birthday

sunday:

Church
Metamora to pick up my sister from band camp
maybe I'll have time after that to do something

I REALLY need to go over to someone's house and chill for a day

THIS IS FOR YOU ELISE :P

ok so this post is because elise was bothering me to update it

but other than that... not much has been going on in my life.

Ben's been asking me to hook him up with some non-prudish girl whos not short and not fat and not taken

Ive been replaced pretty much by Curtis at running back but yet im starting above him tomorow

Im still going out with andrea

I feel like i need to cuddle with someone (a girl preferably)

Tomorow's game is at 4:30 at CHS against East Lansing be there or die (jk)

My sisters at band camp

My grandma just called to tell us her surgery went good and shes alright now

I got a concussion on monday, a bone bruise on tuesday, and nothing today

Nat is still grounded for life

I still have to finish my summer reading

AAAnd i feel like i need to cuddle with andrea.




oh and for those of you who havent noticed, i repeat the thngs that are important to me

xD+x[

ok, so, i just got back from meet the team night, saw a lot of people i know, a lot of friends, but didn't really talk to anyone.

but the most AMAZING PART of my entire day IS::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

watching Christy do her pom/cheer/whatever thing on stage xDDD she looked soooo awkward and her mom saw me and just like, turned the other way? idk how to put it. anyways, when the act was all done and they took off their creepy faces, they were going down the stairs in a line... and.... she was pushed to the back of the line and was like standing there for like 30 seconds looking kinda awkward and VERY unaware of her body. like, everyone sitting in the first 30 rows coulda seen up her skirt if they wanted to (not that anyone ever would).




on a heavier note, i think i may have gotten a concussion today. i was walking off the field at the end of practice and my eye felt crooked and oddly hot (my left one). and ive been hydrated so you cant blame these headaches im getting (also on the left, a little closer to the eye than the temple) on dehydration or low blood sugar (cause i had dinner 2 hours ago). I think I'm gonna talk to the trainer about it tomorrow, but if i do that I might not be able to practice, and if i cant practice than i cant play, and if i cant play, than i just made the past 3 months of training completely worthless.

:]

im going out with Andrea again.

dont ask dont tell

but we had a nice afternoon together

please

please ignore the previous post

guys, gals, please dont cry.

It is my regretfulm duty to inform you that today is the day that I die. I do not wish to make a big scene out of it or anything, I just want you all to know this is not your fault. I want you all to know that I love you and I don't want any of you to do what I will be doing. I want you to forget I ever existed and go on with your lives. I'm not quite sure when I'll go do it, I just know it will be today.

My dad has told me that if I don't 'Shape up' as in become a prude/goody good like he wants me to. He'll take me out of football and won't let me do pretty much anything. I can't get happy, even the football games aren't good enough to make me happy.

So since Im gonna die today, I might as well tell all or most. I have been mentally abused since i can remember, I've also been physically abused by my brother, who has anger issues. Anytime anyone asks me if something is wrong, I allways end up saying nothing even though it is everything. Anytime I tell someone nothing is wrong and i tell them "Im just tired," it usually means that I'm thinking about killing myself and I don't want to worry you with it. I have tried to kill myself, 3 times now. 2 by pills and one by drowning. somedays i want to light the house on fire and go to sleep inside. I hate my family, but you all knew that, I couldn't love them if I tried. I miss love, happiness, and joy. I hope I'll find them where I'm going.

edited post

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It was all worth it

Whatever i dais about football being a pain in the ass, i take it all back.

It was all worht it, all worth it to see that hole, to spring through it, to cut back and make the free safety break his ankles, to be spun tackled in to the endzone at the end of my 28 yrd run. It was all worth it.

oh, and the fact that i also got another 30 yrd run was just icing on the cake (although it couldve been a touchdown).

And just think, the regular season hasn't even started yet :]

Getting things Twizted

ok, so,

Andrea and i have been kinda flirting, and shes admitted to liking me still and that she wants to see me and she knows im single...

HOWEVER, I still love katie, i really really really dont want to hurt her, but the thing is... both relationships have hurt me and helped me!!!

I don't want to put off one for the other, or be forced to choose between the two, i mean, earlier today katie was talking about how she wanted me to be her bf again!

and i was being brutally honest with katie about it and apparently i said something wrong... whatever happened to the whole "im happy if your happy" thing you said 5 mins earlier?!?!?!?

shit, girls get me all screwed up, I want to wait for katie, but I also want to go out with Andrea cuz i think our first try just got screwed over by something neither of us could handle at the time.

KATIE:

Pros:
-Has promised me that the break is until school starts up again and we r both open

Cons:
-Doesn't trust me as much as she should
-Has already accused me of two timing her
-Might be having to spend her future summers someplace out of state due to a moving parent
-Still hasn't stopped



ANDREA:

Pros:
-Been out with once, givin time to think about it, and apparently she wants to again
-Isn't afraid to stand up and voice out her opinion
-Doesn't shy away from a challenge
-Keeps her promises even after the conditions for them have broken
-Many, many good times with her
-Has promised to go to every football game
-Stopped when i asked her to

Cons:
-Kinda short (i know that sounds shallow)
-Already hurt me... a lot
-I have almost no way of telling when shes lying or not




GAH WTF SOME1 PLZ SHOOT ME

xDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

LOL

my bro thinks ive been going through his stuff apparently...

cuz i walked into my room with a note from him saying "here, if you need anymore just tell me, NOW STOP GOING THROUGH MY STUFF!"

and it was folded and inside was a condom xD

why would he assume that i;

1:would be going through his room

2:that if i was... i was looking for condoms?

Thanks bro!

mass confusion on a wide spread basis?

well here are the things currently going on in my life:

talking w/friends about suicide, running awya, etc.

taking a break w/katie until school starts up again (yay?)

kicking ass and getting my ass kicked at football

being sore

my finger hurts

tomorow is my last two a day of the year so my schedule will be more open after thursday

Ive been catching up with a lot of my old football buddies

did i say my finger hurts? i think i sprained it

i really really want to hold someone

my finger hurts

i have massive tanlines from my pads

my sisters 17th bday party was yesterday (wohoo?)

im averaging 6 hours of sleep a night

i still have most of my summer reading to do

my feet hurt

my finger hurts

i actually went an entire practice w/o getting yelled at by coach :o

i wish i could hang out with you guys, i really miss my non-football friends

FOOTBALL IS CONSUMING MY LIFE!!

sad?

i think im in a very depressed state and i have been for a while...

I cant seem to get happy, I want to cut, I want to run, I want to fly and fall and die, I want to dissappear and never reappear, I want to Crawl away from a good brawl, I want others to understand that liffe isn't as light for me as it is for them, I want everyone to see that love is hate and hate is love, I want to know that there's someone, SOMEONE, who no matter what i say will give me a hug or cuddle with me and tell me I did the right thing, I want a cat to just lie in my bed and let me wrap my self around it, so i could feel it's warmth and know that something is still out there besides me, I want to be able to take a shower w/o standing perfectly still for 5 minutes just thinking about all the shit ive done, I want to not cry every time i lie down, I want people to see what life is like for me.

masochist?

i think i may be one,

heres a list of things i do:

~cut and it feels good
~love how precise the pain of a needle is
~enjoy getting run over in football
~like pushing bruises on myself just to feel pain
~punch walls
~smash my head into walls
~let my hand get continually hit by a really fast fan blade cuz it feels good
~take scalding hot (to the point of really painful) water and soak in it
~i like to get a pulled muscle, so i can hurt myself and no one notices
~i like to exhale/hold my breath until my chest feels like imploding and i get light headed
~i liked throwing shot put cuz i could kick around an 8-10 lb ball, hurt my feet, and no one would notice
~i like sliding on my knees and getting my legs entirely cut up


thats all i can think of now

FUCK YES!!!!

WE START HITTING IN FOOTBALL TOMOROW!!!!!!! FUCCKKKK YEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


nothing more to say

:[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

2 a days FUCKING SUCK ASS HARD

starting at 7, ending at 3:30 isnt my type of fun.

alls i want to do is go to bed/relax, but i had to go to my psychologist today, and then eat dinner, and now i have to do dishes and its fucking 8:15 at night.

i hate how my family has no empathy.

soccer!

ok, so i just got back from katie's soccer game, she lost :[ but it was ok.

I got up at 7:30 to take a shower, ate breakfast blabdebla, than went over to her moms house at 9 where i went on the comp and waited until i was told it was time to go. we left, picked up her grandma, went to Macdonald's (i wasnt hungry so i just got a coke), and eventually arrived at the place.

I was freezing. idk why, but i was freezing.

the game was kinda boring, 0-0 at the half (i played catch at the half), and then the other team scored 2 goals, katie's scored one, then the other team scored again, making the final score 3-1 we lose :[.

went home with her dad where i FINALLY got to read her poems, they aren't as bad as she thinks they are, some repetition, but if you look at mine, i have a lot of shared themes/sentences.


and now im home, i have to make dinner (hamburgers and broccoli, easy) and then im free for the rest of the day.

...

suicide, death,
they bate his breath,

blood, gore,
he wants more,

cut, slice,
it's never nice,

shot dead,
a bullet in his head,

jump, fall,
this will end it all

catch, snap,
quickly breaks his back,

needle, toxic,
this should be quick,

lonely, sad,
oh well, too bad,

almost over, almost done,
he's glad that he had this fun.

i feel like running again

Im not entirely sure what set it off, but I feel like running again.

maybe it was the thoughts this morning where i felt like i was losing katie

maybe it was when people mentioned that i never seem to be happy and i think about it and they're right, i never can seem to be happy, and when i am, it allways ends up worse... example: cedar point; good day, lots of fun, was happy, then bus ride home and i ended up crying in front of everyone

maybe it was when my parents brought up the Szado's (longtime family friend) and how they were moving cuz their oldest blew up a car and they want to start over

maybe it was my mom so bluntley asking me about whether or not i had cut in a while that made me feel like i dont belong here

maybe it was the fact that i felt like football was killing me, not helping me

maybe it was the coach promoting stereotypes that made me feel like this place was bullshit

idk... but i just feel like running, somewhere, anywhere, not here, not established, some woods somewhere, i think i could make it, and if not/ oh well, ill have been presumed dead by then anyways.

What would you change about me?

I really want to know, I mean, just because IDK what you guys think of me unless I get some feedback...

answers so far:
less horny
happy
happy
less of an ashole

should I?

well it depends...
whos in your band?
when do you meet up/practice?
Where do you practice?
If you want to... you could work with some of my songs and I'll see what you got, ok?

peace

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Josh
Date: 01 Aug 2007, 09:26 PM


.....your poems/lyrics, that is. lol, not in a stromberg way.

in fact, you are so good that i was wondering if you would be interested in writing lyrics for my band/letting us use your stuff. idk if u have ever done this before or not (letting a band use ur stuff), but we arent particularly good at writing them (whereas u are AMAZING).

obviously u get credit where credit is due (on the album, etc) and if we ever make any money.... well, we can cross that bridge when we get there.

let me kno what u think.

=D

for the first time since last thursday, I'm actually happy. Tired, but happy too.

Saw Simpsons Movie at Canton cinema at 1:10 w/Katie. Had some fun, I like the movie, lots of unexpected parts. The only bad parts were that there was an old creepy black guy who kept looking over at us, and a family on the other side that was constantly walking by.

Dropped her off at home, went back to G+G's house, had pizza, left for football.

Practice=HELL. end of story, first day I actually took my shirt off... "Hey Berger, how do you like my six pack?" "Pretty nice man... check out my *lifts up shirt*..." "Keg?" "Yeah..." =D

Ran our asses off, legs off, balls off, dicks off, abs off, feet off, etc. off.
But other than the excrutiating cramps and the whole running nonstop for 13 mins with a cramp... and the badgers, Practice was ok.


Oh, and another thing thats been making me happy recently, is YOUTUBE!!!!!!!!! "sry katie, but I think I'm in love with youtube" "ME TOO!!!"