Suicide

I can't stop thinking about it.
I was at church this mourning, pretending to care when i saw my coach a few pews ahead of me and somehow my mind went from thinking about football to wondering whther any of my football friends would care if I died or not. I pretty much figured they wouldn't seeing as only one coach ever cared about me and he was my JV coach year one, so no one there would care.

Then this afternoon I was fixing my brothers bike, my dad's bike, and my mom's bike. I was thinking about gears and somehow I ended up thinking how harmfull it would be if i endd up swallowing the WD 40 in my hands. I read the label and decided that if I had a new full can, I would easily be able to kill myself from it.

I took a nap before dinner, because thats just how bored I was. I ended up thinking if the amount of roope in my room tied together end to end would be enough rope to hang myself with.

Before dinner, my scout master came by and dropped off the clothes that were left behind at camp because I was in such a hurry to leave, I ended up thinking about whether anyone in scouts would care if I died. I mentioned it to a scout while at camp that if any of my girl friends killed themselves while I was going out with them, I would join them. I've known this kid for almost 8 years now, he shrugged and walked away.

We had pie for desert for dinner, a nice good cheesecake. I cut up the pieces and ended up thinking about how deep I would need to sink the blade into my arm in order to do enough tendon/nerve damage to either put me in shock or kill me.

Now, I'm not even depressed, but I cant get my mind off of suicide. One of my friends at camp asked me what college I was thinking about now that I was in High School, I told him I wasn't sure I was gonna live that long. He looked at me funny, bent over, and lit a leaf on fire with a lighter.


And with katie it's not like things are getting any better. I wasn't on this morning cuz of my dad being an asshole and not using his own computer, but when i got on this was katies buddy info on aim, "


DEPRESSED LIKE NO OTHER
THIS SEXY MOTHER FUCKERS FLYIN SOLO!

we had fire in our eyes, in the BEGINING
i never felt so alive, IN THE BEGINING!
You, you blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore
LET IT dIE!
[[three days grace]]
my favorite song


N©N

Duh I LikeYou
andtryingtoexplainwhy,islike
tryingtoexplainhowwatertastes

"

Now, yesterday we officially got back together, but we haven't seen each other yet, so I don't know what that makes us.

Oh, I put my iPod through the washing machine so I'm throughly musically deprived.