Good news!
My aunt cancelled the painting job for tomorrow and thursday

Bad news...
I won't be getting the 45$ she was going to pay me...

How am I going to fund my playtime at camp now?

I pray not to be forgotten

!!

My campout isnt until saturday morning! woot!

So maybe i'll see you tonight, love.

Also, I got a hookup for Josh's and Jake's

:]

Life is decent-good

I swear I'm not alright

I want to die
-except not really

I want to have more friends
-but they only let me down

I want to be a better person
-but everyone else seems to hate me, so why bother?

I want to get invited to things
-but i never am able to go anyways, so why should they?

I want people to notice the subtle things I do
-but I'm always asking people to be blunt

I want people to need me
-but I want to be able to leave at any time

I want to feel pain

I want to get better
-but I enjoy it

I want to not like the feeling I get when I'm depressed

I want to not be addicted to altered senses
-but they help me get away

I want to not have my reputation
-but I spent years wishing I could have it

I don't want to be who I am anymore
-but what if other peoples' lives are worse

I wish I could live up to half of the expectations I put myself up to

I want to skydive
-fer sure

I want to be impressive
-every time someone compliments me I can't accept it, I am not good, I am not great, I am not perfect, I am decent, but nothing better

I want people to like me
-but people suck

I want someone to identify with me
-but it's hard to open up to anyone

I fear death
-but I eagerly await it

I am anti-religion
-but I go to church

I am anti-government
-but I go to school, drive on city roads, use the internet, etc.

I want to be where I was
-even for a brief moment

In that moment there was complete happiness




If a picture's worth a thousand words,
My blood is at least worth three,
"I need you," are the words
You should say to me,

But no one ever cares,
For the one who self-sustains,
And no one comes to rescue me
From any of my pains,

But they're locked out,
Of my head and my thought,
So,They, instead of knocking,
Stand outside and gawk,

If anyone would give an effort,
To try to get me to speak,
And a truly valiant effort,
Would let them see I'm weak,

On the inside I'm another
Hypocrite, like I hate,
The kind of guy who'd put you down,
Then ask you on a date,

I have developed this double personality,
Hoping to be something new,
But now I'm here, I realized,
I want to be one of you,

But that'll never happen,
I belong alone,
The one who can't be anything,
Except alone and stoned,

So since I'll never be accepted,
And I'll be forever broken,
I'll blow through my last bowl,
And stop all my tokin',

But once the ember in that bowl
Extinguishes itself,
I will follow in it's steps,
And take out my own life.


I don't know if I mean any of that.

When Feeling Happy Gets Depressing

Well, here I am again (at my keyboard, that is)

I've been really lonely lately, I just wake up, go to school, go to track, come home, do homework/chores/eat, go to bed. It gets really depressing eventually.

Now, how did I get there? Lets think;

I switched my comedy, I went from a blatant, out there, easy to understand comedy to a very dark, twisted, ironic and satirical comedy; But I found out no one wants to think enough to understand satire. About 2 weeks ago I started reverting back to the oldstyle and it's picking back up now, but in the very begining it was weird; I'd tell a joke and everyone would just sort of stare at me.

I switched my classes. I wish it didn't affect me that much, but now I sit next to people who don't even want to be in school, they tolerate it and get no enjoyment out of it. Granted, it also doesn't depress them, but they're very boring. In 1st hour I'm surrounded by nerds/obnoxious people/assholes, in 2nd hour I only have Chelsea to talk to, no offense, you're really nice and all, but I need someone who maybe even sometimes has as much energy as I do, 3rd hour is the only class I'm perfectly all right in, I'm surrounded by my friends, Blake is a bit annoying, and Gabby could stand to back off of my discussions sometimes, but it's ok. Fourth hour I sit in the very far corner next to this girl who doesn't even talk, she sits there and takes notes, the whole fucking hour. Fifth hour is OK, but I've had MUCH better english classes. Sixth hour is ok when we are all awake, but every now and then someone is an asshole or I'm having an off day, but its ok for the mostpart.

I started Track. I know excercise is good for you and all (believe me, physically I'm feeling much better), but when everyday of the week you get home after 6 and then get done with eating and dinner around 7 and then have dishes until 7:30 and then you've got homework, it gets tedious. Peterman yelled at me a week ago because I cut the workout Vern gave us in half and let everyone leave early. I know I shouldn't've, but it wasn't his problem and he was only doing slideboes anyways, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me.

I stoped making an effort. I'm coasting in my classes, I'm doing the minimum with friends. I know , I know, it's my fault.

I've spent every day of free time with Andrea. Not that it's not fun, it's just that I do need other people, someone to make new stories with. I can't tell you very much because you're with me the whole time. I need a bigger net. Swing life away just began on my ipod. THAT"S IRONY BITCHES! :p

I haven't blogged. Andrea really opened my eyes the other night when she told me that my blog is my main way of communicating with the outside world. I never really thought of it that way, but yeah, I guess it is. So here I am world, what do you want?

Now to a different, but similar topic.

About a week ago I was walking down the hallway, and for some reason I felt extremely lonely without any reason. Andrea might have been with me but I don't know. It happened all day so yeah, she had to have been there atleast one time with me. Anyways, I was walking along and looking at the people I knew in the hallway, they looked normal until I got to their eyes. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that I knew was looking at me either as if I were mad or as if they hated me. It scarred me. People I didn't even know were giving me the kind looks and people who I thought should atleast be acknowledging me were simply staring me down. I told Jillian about it after school as I passed her on my way to backstage and she said that maybe it was my subconcious telling me to go out and meet new people. Perhaps.

I feel like that since the begining of this semester I've just kind of been floating. No one has cared enough to grab ahold of me and care about or for me. It's been me working for me with the occasional help from Andrea, but it's like free fslling, it's ok until you hit the bottom.

I'm worried what's going to happen this summer, will I get a job? Can I even get a job? I'm going to be gone atleast 3 weeks of the summer and 2 weekends. Will anyone want to hang out with me? will anyone even bother to think of me when they're getting friends together? Maybe I can get a job mowing lawns in my neighborhood, I don't know.

Another thing, people I used to be friends with now don't even acknowledge me in the hallway. I'll walk past them and smile or nod or anything and they will either not see or not care enough to return the action. If that doesn't make a person feel lonely, nothing will.

At the begining of the semester Isaac asked me an interesting question; If I gave up APUSH to have a social life, why do I sit with the people who "have no social life" during lunch? I've made up many an excuse for it, but I think that in the end I just don't have as many friends as I thought I would have.

Which brings me to my theory;
9th grade is for finding new people and making a few new friends

The summer following that is for finding out who really is your friend

10th grade is the thinning of friends

The summer following is the end of the loneliness and the begining of coming together

11th grade is where people start hanging out with farther friends and friends of friends

That summer is filled with running around with other people

12th grade everyone hangs out with everyone, just trying to tie up all loose ends before you leave to go off to quite possibly, a new life.

That summer you say goodbye.



All's I have to do is ride it out. (hopefully)




P.S: I realized a week ago that even when I was feeling happy, I was getting depressed, hence the name

One step foreward, two steps back

I snuck out and drove over to andreas house last night,
she cried in happiness,
but really im just sorry it got to the point where shes THAT happy that I actually came over, I'm happy that I did, but it's a very sad happy.

My dad's surgery is (as far as we know) thursday

My grandma fell on saturday and broke her hip, my dad left that day and she had her surgery yesterday; it went well but she needs to be in rehab for about 3 weeks

My grandpa (same side of the family) had a drug overdose/complication yesterday, he took some of my grandma's medication to fall asleep, which fucked him up, he's ok now though, as far as we know.

My sister's spending the summer in Houghten this year, she's not even going to come home.

Joe's doing just peachy at central, as far as i know.

Our first track meet is in a week.

Im so tired.

I love you.










Im sorry.

Everyday

Everyday seems a little bit worse to me,
They hold me down,
Every one,
Two days ago I was tired, but happy,
Yesterday I was fine, then I found out my dad had spent the day in the hospital, sick,
Today was ok until I went to track, where I was told to shut up and stop whinning because I suggested that we not work out the the team and instead set up the pits, then everyone who has ever had anything against me all got together and talked like I wasnt there,
The, on the rie home, I was informed that my mother is now unemployed and we have no insurance.

Great life



Oh, and it seems like everyday the depression I was trying to fight out of bights me a little more; today I played with the idea of breaking up with andrea simply because then I could choose to kill myself whenever.


I'm making a notebook of my memories from my past, maybe someday someone will want to read it.