i dont know...
i feel like i havent been myself lately, like ive been more of an asshole and i havent been making people as happy as normal. i feel... numb, like usual. but i dont feel like me. i cant even promise andrea i won't cut this weekend. I just... dropped in IQ or something cuz everything's confusing me now...
why do i care? idk why... why do i try? is it because im scared? scared of falling? scared of failing? scared of losing... my mind is a social phobia in it of itself.
CARL YOUR SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT DONT GO DOWN THAT PATH
repated in my head over and over.
do those words mean anything to me?
no
CARL DONT THREATEN TO KILL YOURSELF
heard in my head sounds likes "just do it allready"
CARL DONT CUT
"carl, we care about you, not that you'll ever believe that"
do i have more than one personality? probably.
they know of each other, they agree to certain things, but they are almost completely different.
the asshole me that gets me into this situation and the me that reacts when things come crashing down like usual.
the me that knows what to do, and the me that acts.
suicide isnt the answer,
but it's part of the equation
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
what the hell
well
let me describe my weekend so far.
thursday: went to kalamazoo, got bitched at silently throughout the whole day, never slept.
friday: built the frame of a catapult, got sand/sawdust/raw metal in my eyes
satruday: see friday, got 7 hours of sleep, andrea... why are we allways arguing in my eyes?
today: did homework, went to church, see friday
my dad is slightly drunk right now, my moms being a bitch as allways, my aunt was kicked out of her house, my brothers girlfriends grandma died, my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled, gabbys gramma died, andrea got ungrounded, im going insane.
what the hell do i want for xmas?
who gives a shit?
not like id get anything anyways.
i dont even know if ill be alive then.
if life keeps going the way it has been, i wont be.
i want to go out, get high, get drunk as hell, puke my guts out and blow my head off.
or maybe just that last part.
let me describe my weekend so far.
thursday: went to kalamazoo, got bitched at silently throughout the whole day, never slept.
friday: built the frame of a catapult, got sand/sawdust/raw metal in my eyes
satruday: see friday, got 7 hours of sleep, andrea... why are we allways arguing in my eyes?
today: did homework, went to church, see friday
my dad is slightly drunk right now, my moms being a bitch as allways, my aunt was kicked out of her house, my brothers girlfriends grandma died, my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled, gabbys gramma died, andrea got ungrounded, im going insane.
what the hell do i want for xmas?
who gives a shit?
not like id get anything anyways.
i dont even know if ill be alive then.
if life keeps going the way it has been, i wont be.
i want to go out, get high, get drunk as hell, puke my guts out and blow my head off.
or maybe just that last part.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
what the fuck?
im not sure what to take this as
Nicole: "you know carl, you'd make for a very pretty girl"
wtf?!?!?
anyone wanna help me with that?
oh and my parents are being their usual asshole selfs
Nicole: "you know carl, you'd make for a very pretty girl"
wtf?!?!?
anyone wanna help me with that?
oh and my parents are being their usual asshole selfs
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
dont worry, ill worry for you
Want to find out if my arm still bleeds?
andrea.
please, please take those pictures off of your myspace.
seriously, thats one of those 'stupid' things to do with your myspace.
and really, it makes me feel worthless. i had to work to get to even get in your pants, and now ur taking them and your shirt off for random starngers? what the hell? thanks, makes me feel valuable and worth something.
i just hope you dont get in trouble for those... or maybe i do hope u get in trouble to learn your lesson? i dont know. i know this sounds shallow, but seriously this scares me shitless, i feel like i dont know you anymore, like you arent mine anymore. i dont know.
Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
But they may fade,
If you keep on dancing this charade,
And letting that imposter in your skin
andrea.
please, please take those pictures off of your myspace.
seriously, thats one of those 'stupid' things to do with your myspace.
and really, it makes me feel worthless. i had to work to get to even get in your pants, and now ur taking them and your shirt off for random starngers? what the hell? thanks, makes me feel valuable and worth something.
i just hope you dont get in trouble for those... or maybe i do hope u get in trouble to learn your lesson? i dont know. i know this sounds shallow, but seriously this scares me shitless, i feel like i dont know you anymore, like you arent mine anymore. i dont know.
Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.
But they may fade,
If you keep on dancing this charade,
And letting that imposter in your skin
Saturday, November 17, 2007
a few things
ok so im grounded till the end of the month, but i can still use the phone and the comp.
my cell is off cuz im out of minutes.
im learning the guitar w/o having one, its actually quite easy.
i cut monday night and tuesday night.
my moms told me she wants to kill me.
i want to kiss andrea and hold her so much, i havent seen her outside of school in a week.
i dont think ill make it through the month.
i miss percussion and band... i was definantly jamming out in the kitchen the other day.
if i dont get out of the house... idk what im going to do.
my cell is off cuz im out of minutes.
im learning the guitar w/o having one, its actually quite easy.
i cut monday night and tuesday night.
my moms told me she wants to kill me.
i want to kiss andrea and hold her so much, i havent seen her outside of school in a week.
i dont think ill make it through the month.
i miss percussion and band... i was definantly jamming out in the kitchen the other day.
if i dont get out of the house... idk what im going to do.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
and its been a while since i could, hold my head up high
god damn it
i hate andreas mom, i now regret everythign ive ever said to her in a good voice.
andrea, gabby, and tom came over, we got busy in dif rooms, andreas mom called, andreas mom called my house # to talk to my mom, gabby acted as my mom unconvincingly, andreas grounded, and im fucked if andreas mom calls my mom.
i hate andreas mom, i now regret everythign ive ever said to her in a good voice.
andrea, gabby, and tom came over, we got busy in dif rooms, andreas mom called, andreas mom called my house # to talk to my mom, gabby acted as my mom unconvincingly, andreas grounded, and im fucked if andreas mom calls my mom.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
godfuckingdamnitwhydoihavetogetsodepressedaboutanythingnowadays???
ok now i can feel myself going down
i can feel my eyes start to drop and my head start to spin in depressing circles,
i can feel myself drawn to the blades,
i can feel myself starting to want to slice me open,
i can feel myself wanting to curl into a ball,
i want you andrea, i want you to hold me, no matter how lame that sounds,
i want to hold and be held, to love and be loved, and not seeing you out of school for a week really just makes me feel... sad, sad as all fucking hell,
i want to be able to cry on someones shoulder, but i dont have time anymore,
i want to not feel this pain,
but if i need to bare it, i need someone to bare it with,
i just wish... i wish i could see andrea more, i wish i could hold her more, talk with her more, love her more, but i feel somethings holding me back.
scratch all that, thanks for calling andrea :]
i can feel my eyes start to drop and my head start to spin in depressing circles,
i can feel myself drawn to the blades,
i can feel myself starting to want to slice me open,
i can feel myself wanting to curl into a ball,
i want you andrea, i want you to hold me, no matter how lame that sounds,
i want to hold and be held, to love and be loved, and not seeing you out of school for a week really just makes me feel... sad, sad as all fucking hell,
i want to be able to cry on someones shoulder, but i dont have time anymore,
i want to not feel this pain,
but if i need to bare it, i need someone to bare it with,
i just wish... i wish i could see andrea more, i wish i could hold her more, talk with her more, love her more, but i feel somethings holding me back.
scratch all that, thanks for calling andrea :]
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
cuz ive been bored all day and i need something to say to the world
so i just thought of something while i was doing the dishes after dinner today,
why do we ever feel like we love our parents?
i means, sure they give us food, shelter, and occasionally money, but isnt that all superficial?
cummon guys, think about it, if you live to be 80, that means your parents held you down and restricted you for almost 1/4 of your life. all they do is tell you whaten, when and where to do things, most of the time they dont tell you why we do it or they give you some bullshit response. they let you fall and then say "i told you so" in some 'grown up' fashion, which is complete bullshit in itself. no one ever grows up, we just pretend to so we dont get shunned by society which is another topic that i dont feel like talking about right now. our 'grown up' parents assume just cuz theyve been alive for twice as long as we have means theyve experienced twice as much, which is also bullshit, but because of this they assume that they know more and therefore are superior to us 'children' who havent fully 'matured' enough yet to see nhow right they are about everything and no matter what they fuck they do and no matter how wrong it is, they're still 'right' until someone else who thinks they are more 'grown up' or more 'informed' tells them they're wrong or prooves they're wrong. But who cares anyways? if johny wants 1+1 to equal 3 isnt it in his own right to do so? i mean, think about it, numbers are made up, and so are the rules for them, so is everything else in our society, if someone wants to eat other people, thats perfectly withing his nature? after all, we are animals just like cows, if cows had evolved at a faster rate, we could be penned up right now, waiting in line to be slaughtered by our double hooved masters. So if timmy wants to stay out o midnight, goddamnit LET HIM, he pays for his own actions, and if he's a bit pissy in the morning? just dont talk to him, eventually he'll realize that no one likes him when hes pissy and he'll stop staying up till midnight.
So basicaly, the walls set up by our 'grown up' parents are in no way able to hold us down if we really truely dont want to be held down and if we're willing to suffer the consequences. the only way for them to hold you down until your 18 is if you go to jail, and even then, escape is allways an option, because the only thing they can do is exactly like they do at home\, just make the punishment longer, they cant make it much worse than solitary confinement, then u could just pleade insane and go to a nice padded room where everything is done for you and you dont haqve to pay taxes or shit like that.
so to be succesful, go to jail ASAP and stay there for the rest of your life, sure, no one will really remember you, but hey, no one can really hurt you either.
why do we ever feel like we love our parents?
i means, sure they give us food, shelter, and occasionally money, but isnt that all superficial?
cummon guys, think about it, if you live to be 80, that means your parents held you down and restricted you for almost 1/4 of your life. all they do is tell you whaten, when and where to do things, most of the time they dont tell you why we do it or they give you some bullshit response. they let you fall and then say "i told you so" in some 'grown up' fashion, which is complete bullshit in itself. no one ever grows up, we just pretend to so we dont get shunned by society which is another topic that i dont feel like talking about right now. our 'grown up' parents assume just cuz theyve been alive for twice as long as we have means theyve experienced twice as much, which is also bullshit, but because of this they assume that they know more and therefore are superior to us 'children' who havent fully 'matured' enough yet to see nhow right they are about everything and no matter what they fuck they do and no matter how wrong it is, they're still 'right' until someone else who thinks they are more 'grown up' or more 'informed' tells them they're wrong or prooves they're wrong. But who cares anyways? if johny wants 1+1 to equal 3 isnt it in his own right to do so? i mean, think about it, numbers are made up, and so are the rules for them, so is everything else in our society, if someone wants to eat other people, thats perfectly withing his nature? after all, we are animals just like cows, if cows had evolved at a faster rate, we could be penned up right now, waiting in line to be slaughtered by our double hooved masters. So if timmy wants to stay out o midnight, goddamnit LET HIM, he pays for his own actions, and if he's a bit pissy in the morning? just dont talk to him, eventually he'll realize that no one likes him when hes pissy and he'll stop staying up till midnight.
So basicaly, the walls set up by our 'grown up' parents are in no way able to hold us down if we really truely dont want to be held down and if we're willing to suffer the consequences. the only way for them to hold you down until your 18 is if you go to jail, and even then, escape is allways an option, because the only thing they can do is exactly like they do at home\, just make the punishment longer, they cant make it much worse than solitary confinement, then u could just pleade insane and go to a nice padded room where everything is done for you and you dont haqve to pay taxes or shit like that.
so to be succesful, go to jail ASAP and stay there for the rest of your life, sure, no one will really remember you, but hey, no one can really hurt you either.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Andrea
we need to chill tomorow, i know you probably wont read this in time, but i needed to say something.
for everyone else:
i really really want to
cut my arm open, slice it
up and let it bleed
to let the pain
lazily flow from the open
anguish filled
slice in my
torn soul that
nobody sees
into, only the shell. I
got no one to
hate and
too many to love
over to many wounds
never to heal
many to be opened again
yet the
loss of blood never
eggs on any other reaction
going out of me
for everyone else:
i really really want to
cut my arm open, slice it
up and let it bleed
to let the pain
lazily flow from the open
anguish filled
slice in my
torn soul that
nobody sees
into, only the shell. I
got no one to
hate and
too many to love
over to many wounds
never to heal
many to be opened again
yet the
loss of blood never
eggs on any other reaction
going out of me
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
i hate my dad
myt dad was walking a fence for a while but now hes ju8st a bitch like my mom
im on the computer talking with people, and he starts throwing chores at me that i allready know i have to do, then out of the blue he adds like 5 chores that ive already done and im like "dad, i allready did those" "well you did a shitty job do em again" then he goes on and on and then he adds new chores such as finiswhing winterizing the lawn even though i did that 3 weeks ago and spent 4 hours on it (he didnt do jaqck shit) and he wanted me to do another hour of work on it, and i told him no and to do it himself, so he kicked me off the computer, so now im on my bros computer.
hes a dick
im on the computer talking with people, and he starts throwing chores at me that i allready know i have to do, then out of the blue he adds like 5 chores that ive already done and im like "dad, i allready did those" "well you did a shitty job do em again" then he goes on and on and then he adds new chores such as finiswhing winterizing the lawn even though i did that 3 weeks ago and spent 4 hours on it (he didnt do jaqck shit) and he wanted me to do another hour of work on it, and i told him no and to do it himself, so he kicked me off the computer, so now im on my bros computer.
hes a dick
UGggghhhh
halloween was fun, but for some reason i got all depressed etc etc.
i went to the stevenson game last night, tam had a few meltdowns and i hope i helped, but with girls... idk why are they so hard to understand, she runs away and then tells me "everythings all right" and im like "no, somethings wrong, tell me whats wrong tam" repeat.
i talked with harpo a bunch last night and im hoping that tam and him will work things out because harpo isnt like what he was anymore, tam doesnt even know this, but harpo kinda hasnt done anything but make out with a girls since last spring and he hasnt done drugs or anything so harpo really is trying to escape his past. and tam shouldnt go back to kris, kris is a deuch bag and should die because he thinks he can toy with girls emotions.
anyways, i came home all messed up last night at 10:30 and i fell asleep but woke up at midnight cuz harp called me (how i woke up IDK) but i didnt answer it so he left me a message saying thanks etc etc. then i feel asleep again and had the most realistic dream ive ever had, i was just sitting on my bed with a nknife slowly slicing my veins open, oh and i had a 6 pack but it looked all weird cuz i had veins showing. anyways, and all of my cuts basically healed except for the ones on my elbow which was weird but they bled ALOT and then i dreamt i passed out so when i woke up i checked my arm to see if there were any cuts there, turns out there werent. thank who ever reigns over us. but seering that blood and feeling the pain just made me want to do it sooo muchhh moreeeee,
so my dad woke me up at noon, and now im missing andrea sooo much and i want to be with her right now but i still have to clean my room and i kinda want to watch the michigan game but idk if shell be able to hang out tomrow OR today because shes all grounded because of the whole schoool calling her 3 weeks after she skipped school and now her mom knows etc etc. but i really want to hang out with her cuz i need someone to talk to and hold, i physically need someone to hold right now and my cats hate me so they cant fill in lolz.
and so one more weird thought. im thinking about making a mixtape about tam, idk why but when we were talking last night i just had all of these songs flash through my head... bloody valentine, loves a loaded gun, the breakup song, almost easy, I wont see you tonight (parts 1 and 2), hate me, diary of jane, sugar were goin down, scars, hate (really really really dont like you), crushcrushcrush, tell me baby, here comes the pain, Liar (it takes one to know one), and i think thats it.. wow 16 songs...
oh yeah, next week friday is stevenson vs fanklin, EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO THIS we'll have a blast and itll be an amazing game, we can hang out and everything. itll be like a macat reunion.
wow this is a long blogpost, oh well.
i love you andrea
i went to the stevenson game last night, tam had a few meltdowns and i hope i helped, but with girls... idk why are they so hard to understand, she runs away and then tells me "everythings all right" and im like "no, somethings wrong, tell me whats wrong tam" repeat.
i talked with harpo a bunch last night and im hoping that tam and him will work things out because harpo isnt like what he was anymore, tam doesnt even know this, but harpo kinda hasnt done anything but make out with a girls since last spring and he hasnt done drugs or anything so harpo really is trying to escape his past. and tam shouldnt go back to kris, kris is a deuch bag and should die because he thinks he can toy with girls emotions.
anyways, i came home all messed up last night at 10:30 and i fell asleep but woke up at midnight cuz harp called me (how i woke up IDK) but i didnt answer it so he left me a message saying thanks etc etc. then i feel asleep again and had the most realistic dream ive ever had, i was just sitting on my bed with a nknife slowly slicing my veins open, oh and i had a 6 pack but it looked all weird cuz i had veins showing. anyways, and all of my cuts basically healed except for the ones on my elbow which was weird but they bled ALOT and then i dreamt i passed out so when i woke up i checked my arm to see if there were any cuts there, turns out there werent. thank who ever reigns over us. but seering that blood and feeling the pain just made me want to do it sooo muchhh moreeeee,
so my dad woke me up at noon, and now im missing andrea sooo much and i want to be with her right now but i still have to clean my room and i kinda want to watch the michigan game but idk if shell be able to hang out tomrow OR today because shes all grounded because of the whole schoool calling her 3 weeks after she skipped school and now her mom knows etc etc. but i really want to hang out with her cuz i need someone to talk to and hold, i physically need someone to hold right now and my cats hate me so they cant fill in lolz.
and so one more weird thought. im thinking about making a mixtape about tam, idk why but when we were talking last night i just had all of these songs flash through my head... bloody valentine, loves a loaded gun, the breakup song, almost easy, I wont see you tonight (parts 1 and 2), hate me, diary of jane, sugar were goin down, scars, hate (really really really dont like you), crushcrushcrush, tell me baby, here comes the pain, Liar (it takes one to know one), and i think thats it.. wow 16 songs...
oh yeah, next week friday is stevenson vs fanklin, EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO THIS we'll have a blast and itll be an amazing game, we can hang out and everything. itll be like a macat reunion.
wow this is a long blogpost, oh well.
i love you andrea
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