OHAI!

im sorry i havent been posting much lately

ive been falling back into my own little hole, the same one i fell into four years ago when i became depressed and suicidal, but last time it was due to the stress of maturing physically by myself, and it definantly was sahana and elise who saved me from that one, so i owe you guys a thank you..

anyways, now im feeling more and more pressure from my family, we're putting both of my siblings thru college and my dad just got laid off, we have no stress relief. It's amazing how screwed over the last child always is in my dad's side of the family, his dad is the youngest and last, but the one just older than him sold everything the family had inherited and wasted it all on an alchohol addiction so gramps never got any, then my dad was born simply to be a play toy for his brother, then his brother went off and died of an untreatable childhood cancer and in order to allow his parents to recover from that (financially and emotionally) dad took up college for free thanks to our wonderful navy. the navy, however, only would let him in if he took oceanography, so he took oceanography as his major. Now my dad' is 47, jobless, and has a degree in oceanography, WHO THE FUCK WANTS AN OCEANOGRAPHER IN MICHIGAN? so im stuck here, with my senile mother (who i found out the other day couldnt stop crying when i was born) and a dad, who as of 5pm friday has no job. atleast my brother and sister arent here to feel the same stress Im under; they're off away in college, living the stress free life they always wanted away from mom and dad, and now it looks like im going to have to end up spending two years at schoolcraft and then transfering to hawaii simply because of the costs.

My brother hasnt called home in over two months, we think he's planning on doing a transfer thingy with a school in china, why's he so into asian chicks? idk... but it really bothers me that he hasnt called AT ALL, i mean, i understand that you dont like mom and maybe you disagree with dad, but i mean, come oon, you are the one who fucked up your life by failing college by NOT GOING

My dad just called, apparently he's having a bad reaction to the shot they gave him today (it's the second time they're giving him this shot cuz the first time didnt work) it's supposed to relax the nerves around his bad back and basically be a straight to the source pain killer, we'll see how it goes.

My sister just got over a very bad case of the flu, apparently she couldnt leave her dorm for a week so now she's got to reintegrate into society and her roommate has to be "proactively treated" she also just broke up with her boyfriend because she "wasnt enough of a challenge"

my mom is still crazy, but she's gotten work as a part time clown (still) and she just got a job for a 16' arch, she said she'll pay me, i hope she pays in cell phone minutes.

I'm going clean for march, and possibly for all of the entirty of spring. Im doing this to let my body catch up to me in sleep, growth, etc. and so i dont kill myself. Ive been noticing im more depressed recently, it's not the hard hiting depression like the one i was in a while back, but the edge of it has been taken off, im lethargic, bored, unexciting. I dont like it.

I looked around today, I asked andrea a simple question,
where's all our friends go?
where did you guys go? i mean, i know ive been busy and youve been busy but lately it seems like the only peoplle who have been reaching out to me to see me have been for the chemicals that happen to be in my possesion, i know ive kind of put myself in this hole, but why is no one calling anymore? no one even messages me on facebook or myspace. seriously guys, come on, what happened to all of the friendships we used to have together? whatever happened to wasting days at the rec and then being kicked out and going to dairy barn cuz we wanted ice cream? whatever happened to having fun without the need of chemicals? Whatever happened to you? i want to know, i miss you guys and im really sorry if it seems like ive been avoiding you but the truth is i loved all of you and for quite a while you guys were the only things keeping me from going off and killing myself.

That reminds me, i had a disturbing thought on the bus home today, that the only thing holding me back from a constant spiral downward (like i was) is andrea, she's the only reason im trying to go clean, im not doing it really for myself, god knows i dont care if i die, im doing it for her, she's less happy lately because im less happy, and i figure im less happy because ive been doing harder shit than weed, i mean heavy duty alchohol and codene. it's killed my REM cycles and my sex drive and i want both of them back, so if i let my body step back for a while and breath, im hoping ill get back to being my old self again

I apologize, love, for the other night, it scared me the fuck out, i couldnt stop myself, i can see why people get addicted to that shit, so im stopping, for you and me.

My aunt told me that her doctor had infrormed her that her dad (my grampa sidick) has schizophrenic tendencies, i can see it.

Im sorry for my family, mainly ue to my mom and her family, mental diseases come down hard from both my grandpa and grandma's sides of the family, and then they went and had kids, so now their kids (my mom and her sisters) have the highest chance of having a mental disorder there is possible in a child without it being born with the illness. I, however, come from that on my moms side and addictions on my dads side, but i figure that I'm one step above the worst and I'm hoping that i dont go as crazy as them. I figure that im doing the world a favor by keeping my crazy genes out of the pool.

My dad's home, i g2g

Call me, anytime
if you dont know my # message me

oh yeah, i've had ideas for lyrics for a while now but i cant seem to put them down right
"she keeps her shot glass right in front of the can opener"
"The angel fell off the tree and the tree burst into flame"
"everytime you call i have a knife ready"
"Your sweat is saltier than your tears"