Would you cry if i were to die? would you care if I wasn't there?

It's amazing how pain and repressed anger come upon a person at one time

In a single instant, happiness and contempt was changed onto fear, anxiety, pain, jealousness, etc etc

Would cutting myself open at the seams help?
would death really make me feel better?
Or are these longings to not be able to move anymore just more shit brewed in my mind?

For the past two nights I've sat alone,
Wondering why Im not gone,
Wondering why im not dead
Why im not in jail
Why im not considered an evil person
Why people refuse to see my bad side
refuse to see that im a fucking sadistic, murderous, suicidal maniac who's repressed his anger to the point of killing someone with his bare hands if anyone ever fight him,
Wonder why people refuse to see through me,
It's so easy, Just open your eyes,
Remove the mask I put on you,
I'm not that strong, I'm not that smart,
I'm not that good, I am that bad,
Why dont you people see that in an instant i would take my own life, but i would only hesitate for a second to take someone elses?
granted, if it ever came down to taking someone elses life or my own i would probably take my own just because ever since i was fucking in 2nd grade Ive believed my whole purpose in life was to make other people feel goos about themselves,
Wondering why this razor won't go deeper than it has before and why im using my fingernails to scratch instead of the razor to slice,
Wondering why i lie so much, im so manipulative, just to get my way,
Wondering why i truely cant have all out fun,
people are always saying (and im guilty of saying it too) "you have to throw yourself out there in order to have fun" what about us who already have thrown ourselves out there and fun is still a rarity? what about us to whom pain is fun and death is ecstasy? what about us, the damned, the beaten, the forgotten, the nameless?
Wondering why we arent dead
Wondering why im not dead
Wondering why im trapped in my head

I'm supposed to be able to throw myself onto you my friends, to have you help support me, but what do do if inside my own mind there's a conflict of interests? Any of you who have seen "The Prestige" the quote "I dont love you, not today" should be familiar, thats how i feel about myself, only its not "today" it's pretty much every 2 or 3 hours i change my mind about whether or not i can really stand to live with myself.

I'd love to say ive made progress, I'd love to say I've changed, but truth is, only half wants to change, the other half wants to go back and stay the way it was.

They say numbness comes from a damaged nerve, i say it comes from depression

If im not allowed to go to the concert thursday night, I'm running away

and quite frankly, i dont care all that much if i ever come back.