I ain to be your eyes

1. Is there someone you wanna date right now?
The girl i love

2. Name a quote from the song you're listening to:
uhm...
Sit tight, I'm gonna need you to keep tight, come on just snap snap snap your fingers for me. Good good, now we're making some progress come on just tap tap tap your toes to the beat

3. How is life going for you right now?
confusing, i feel like im about to snap when it comes to my anger, ive just got so much shit pent up inside of me its not funny, but atleast ive been able to write

4. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
well, i have a few secrets, but no one that doesnt lready know them doesnt need to know them

5. What was the reason you last cried?
Emo mood swings

6. Ever had the opposite sex over when no one was home?
yeah

7. What is your favorite fruit?
cactus fruit when it's deseaded

8. What is the most important thing in any relationship?
the ability to stick through good and bad

9. What's the song that makes you cry?
give it all by rise against more specifically:
"So please believe your eyes, scrafice, is not what we had in our minds"

10. Do you miss someone?
Andrea, elise, nat, sahana, teri, etc.

11. Who?
see the previously stated names

12. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
no, because the bottom keeps moving down

13. Do you trust people easily?
only if i have to, but i have been known to throw my trust at people

14. Where is one place you want to visit?
uhm... anywhere not in my house is good

15. Do you freak when people hug you?
only if its really REALLY unexpected, I'll gladly hug anyone that i dont think has a hidden needle with gonomonociphaherpalaids on it.

16. Are you a tease?
only when she teased first

17. What made you happy today?
WRITING oh my god i felt like so good after i wrote two songs in 6th hour, I would've wrote more had robert not interrupted me asking him to write smut for him

18. When was the last time you cried?
last night

19. What color shirt are you wearing?
white/brown

20. How long is your hair?
sexy

21. How long have you been friends with your best friend?.
I have many, tom: 3 years now, all my other 2 years or less

22. Last thing you drank?
water, gatorade

23. Are you happy right now?
not especially, i have to go to my psych in 15 mins and i got a headache and im tired as fuck

24. Does someone have a crush on you?
quite truthfully, i think there could be 2 or 3 girls with crushes on me not counting andrea, i know that sounds a little stuck up for myself, but after having 2 people "fall in love" with me while i was trying to get with their best friend i know atleast some warning signals

25. Do you have a crush on someone?
if a crush is love than yes

26. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what hint would you give them?
"It's not ment for our generation"

27. Anything important you need to tell someone?
use a rubber????

28. Will you ever tell them?
if they dont read this, probably not

29. Do you have big plans and goals for your life?
go to med school, become a psychiatrist, open up my own clinic for clinically depressed kids/tennagers/young adults

30. Last person you had a deep and meaningful convo with?
the voices in my head

31. What was the last thing you highlighted?
i think it was my fingernail cuz im sexy like that

32. Name something you have in common with all your siblings:
if u add my dad in as well we all hate my mom

33. In one word describe yourself.
contradicting

34. What was the last thing you ever got grounded for?
having people over without anyone else home

35. How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

36. Have you ever passed out from being drunk?
not yet ^^

37. How many kids do you plan on having?
2.5

38. If you could kiss anyone, who would it be?
andrea, then god, cuz i would live forever

40. When is the last time you went out of the state?
oh god..... 7th grade?

41. Have you ever had a true-friend?
yeah, shes called andrea, tam, nat, elise, etc.

42. Do you crack your knuckles?
YES! and my wrists and my toes and my ankles, it's loud and ill probably die someday because of it

43. Are you ticklish?
yesh, but only a few people have found my ticklish spots on my body and i think most of them have forgotten

44. Have you ever felt not good enough?
do humans ever feel "good enough"? if we did, why would we continue to work to get better?

45. Generally, in life, what makes you happy?
certain, not so legal things, and making people laugh, i love making people laugh

46. Can you do anything crazy with your tongue?
not especially, but some girls would disagree o.0

47. What's something you want for your birthday?
there's this rise against dvd thats out that i want

48. Are you more independent or dependent?
both? depending on my mood and where i am in life, im fine by myself but other people make me better i think

49. What is one thing you miss about your past?
not my weight, not my life, just last year i miss knowing everyone and having good teachers

50. What is something you learned about yourself recently?
I need to cry a lot more, i need to lift more, im not good enough, a 3.89 gpa is considered sucky, i cant handle myself, my own mind corrupts itself, i may be schitzophrenic, i keep tearing myself down inside, i work too much, i sleep not enough, i need an outlet for all my pent up anger.

Standing Alone In the World Divided

wow, lots of thing happened since last update, i rly dont update enough,

yesterday i went to bed at 4 pm and got up and 730 today, i rly like skipping meals, makes me feel skinnier.

helped my aunt move today. started work at 9, ended at 310.
that was fun, and she's now living literally accross the street form my other aunt in milan.

uhm... andrea came over, sneaking her in to the house was fun, im surprised we didnt wake up anyone.

i went shopping! yay! i feel like a girl, but my parentsd felt enough pity for me to take me shopping when i GAVE AWAY lik 65% of all the shit in my room, it's still packed full, but just less so now.

ugh i still need some pants.

oh yeah, im goin to the concert with andrea now :]

tomorow i should be hanging out with andrea after hw/chores.

Days go into months, months into years, if we continue like this, we'll dispearse our fears

happy 5 month anniversary love,

we have now been going out for almost 3% of my time here on earth lol, not counting last time :p

BLAH

yeha
that pretty much describes how i feel
and being so im going to write my post in reverse order of how it happened
hamburgers for dinner, came home, checked phone oh shit!, went to toms for the afternoon, couldnt find any weed, got home, busride home pretty amazing "DONT STOP BELIEVING", final final=boring, 5th final=easy, finished 30 mins before everyone else, andrea passed her math class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, wake up, 14 hours of sleep, take a nap that turns into sleep, go home, take 4th final=easy, take 3rd final=not as easy but still easy, wake up, go to bed, come home from andreas house, have fun at both of andreas houses, shopping!, go home with andrea, take 2nd final=easy as fuck, take 1st final=not so easy, wake up, go to bed, review all day, wake up, go to bed, review 2-6 hours, set up art gallery 1st hour, wake up, go to bed, scouts, chores, homework, church, wake up, go to bed, go to "pirates who never do anything"

im tired
and bored,
but i get to see andrea tonight :]

Baby, We Were Meant To Be

wow.
thanks andrea :]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
it's days like today that remind me of why i live,
and today seemed to fix everything wrong that happened between us andrea, i feel like we just started going out again, so madly in love with each other.

oh, and thnx fortaking wht you took :]
(NOT MY VIRGINITY COTE YOU LITTLE PERVERT xD)

Do you ever tell yourself, dont try? dont try to let yourself down.

wow
im really down right now, but not like depressed to the point where it hurts, just sad and want to be left alone.

today was a pretty uneventful day, drifted through it like nothing else and i waas horny as fuck all day so i kinda got my hopes up for andreas house tonight... but i shouldnt have done that because shes at her sisters house goddamnit.

so tomorow want to see sweeney todd with her and then tomorow night we'll hang out.
maybe the weekend wont be as bad as the week was.

Do you ever feel like your alone?

oh goddd

now for my super emo deep thoughtful post ive been putting off

do you ever get the feeling that no matter how close you get to someone, they always seem to stay just out of reach? like every step you take closer and hold on tighter is another step the take away and they slip. i dont know whats wrong i swear it, but i feel kind of pulled away lately, like all this week i havent felt like i should, i havent felt really happy, i feel really empty and sad. i get the feeling that andrea's not telling me something, like there's something on her mind but she's afraid of my reaction if she says it. i feel... distant from people lately, even when im talking with them and cracking jokes... i dont feel like anyone truely cares about me. i mean, i know some of you do, but like... idk, it's weird.

i've got too much shit bottled up inside me right now. i need to go out and kill something or something along those lines, my mind is just flooded with these angry thoughts and i keep them to myself and i have no way of letting them out. i need something to destroy or tear apart, my mind is just flooded and i keep thinking in circles.

I've got alot on my mind recently, nat, andrea, grades, other people, myself and what i might get done soon hopefully, shit i need to buy, etc. and it's just all like fgalling on me so heavily cuz finals are seriously next wednesday and i have reviews due tomorow that im not sure if ill be able to finish them.

day 3 without sleeping pills and im crashing inside. my psych doesnt really listen to me about my problems, it's always about my family's problems and whats on them and etc etc. isn't it sposed to be about me and fixing my problems? oh wait, there is no cure from a guy who doesnt understand that i can see right through every single one of his questions.

Andrea-
god there's so much on my mind about her... idk, it doesnt seem like we talk like we used to, maybe it's my imagination or it's the lack of sleep, but you havent been smiling as much or letting yourself have fun, i think i might be doing the same and we need to stop it, its hurs me to look in to your eyes and not see the happiness i once saw, i love you, so much, and i wish i could show it to you some way, but i feel like we're kind of falling apart and i dont want that to happen, not again.


i now have every single symptom for maniacle depression. im never hungry anymore and the only reason i eat is because i know i have to.

i havent been able to relax in god knows how long.




anyone want to shoot me for me? i know ive asked before, but maybe now someone might?

howabout run away with me?

or give me something to make me feel better?

Your regret you made me, it's too late to save me

*sighs*
downer mood right now,
dont feel like moving,
made dinner,
then my parents decided to go out for dinner,
im tired as fuck
and out of pills
and have no stuff for the good,
i drawd a picture
i dont want to go to school tomorow
or the next day
or the next day
or the day after that
maybe the following sunday
andreaaaaa
call meeeee
if you call now, we can hang out for like 2 and a half hours, maybe

please?
i feel so lonely right now, and i rellly need someone to hold me.

It's the first day of spring, and im full of nothing.

Why are we so fucked up?

why?

all we did was live a life that we thought was right,

now look at us, nothing,

we have nothing,

we were given the world,

and we said we didn't want it,

we were given the world,

But it was full of shit,




today was a day where i just felt like a robot, moving through the day as if it were a scene in a movie, almost as if i wasn't in control, like someone else was puching the buttons, and i was just moving along, by about 3rd hour i needed a hug, and by 6th hour, when nat sent me a pic msg, i was almost depressed, but thanks to monster i somehow feel like im temporarily back in control,

and it's days like me that scare me,

they scare me because its days like these that i fear mpd, because i have almost all of the symptoms, the only one i dont have is a short attention span.

My packet of sleeping pills is almost out, i fear I won't be awake in school for a few weeks


Andrea, you could never fail me, you are my crutch and i care aboiut what you do and how you hurt yourself, but please, please dont do anyhting stupid, ive been able to hold myself back, and i was the one depressed, im not gonna go out and get stoned or cut, because i dont want to start a chain between us two where one will do something and the other one does another bad thing, no, if someone does something, they should owe it to the other person.

as for your day today, days like those are some of my best, just sitting there, thinking about your past and remembering how fun it was, and wishing to go back to it, just think of this, although you've had fun in the past and you seemed more free, you were also more unaware of life, more naive, and now you're older, wiser, less dumb, and you can still have fun, you just have to throw yourself out there and hope they dont shoot you down, but anyways, thats what im for, just call me or saomething when u feel the way you did,

I love being able to go outside in shorts and a teeshirt, its fucking awesome, so is monster
so yeah, im sore from rockclimbing but whatever,


wait a minute.... if andrea doesnt want me talking about hurting myself, and she would rather have me lie, why does she keep asking me when we're together?... o.0

anyways, my sister and i talked about stuff, shes really the only member of my family (in all of it's entirety) that i can connect with, we talk about how much we hate my mom, how two faced both our parents are, etc etc.

aww shit, my monster's almost out :[

i really miss andrea, and i think she should show up to school tomorow, and if nothing else, if she doesnt want to be there, we'll just skip.


oh... i found where my bro hides his condoms xD cuz i was looking for my socks (he steal them frequently) and they were just sitting right there, next to a box of condoms.

is there such thing as a shotgun funeral?

why do i have to think of these things?
death, suicide, pain, horror, falling, cutting, stabbing, are just a few.
i know you dont like me talking about hurting myself, and i dont want to tell you this so i stop talking, but when you come with me and i have no idea what to say... i just fall more.

my great aunt bertha died, went to her funeral yesterday, then went to andreas house later in the day, her dad got mad at us, then after that i accidently spilled gatorade on my brother's laptop, so now im never allowed on it again.

today i got up at 6 am and went rock climbing, it was fun, all the way up until the very end when we were leaving, my belayer was complimenting me and my dad walks up and asks him to stop because my dad didnt want me to feel good about myself, well dad, you did your job quite well.

i feel like shit, like i usually do atleast once a week. I was thinking about if i ever was in the news, what they'd say and how it would be curved, heres a few snipets of what i could think of:
"Self mutilated..."
"reportidly hated both parents..."
"was seeking mental help..."
"was in sports and accelerated classes..."
etc.


now my lower arms are sore.

and i want to die, or cut, or get wasted, i want something to happen where i dont have to feel this way anymore


but that will never happen, thanks to chronic depression.


i tried to sleep last night, without sleeping pills, i didnt fall asleep until 2 am




so everything in my life is deteriorating pretty much, and those of you who actually know me know that my life wasnt worth shit before, now its even less, and its not gonna turn around any time soon.

i was thinking about my suicide earlier, about how it would make all of you happier, you could just move on, and mostly forget about me, andrea you could go out with one of those other guys who can make you much more happy than i ever could, elise/sahana/everyone else, i doubt you would miss me, im a horrible person, i keep too many secrets and i hold too much in, learn from my mistakes and move on, my family would benefit from it, if not off the life insurance, off from the factthat thats one less mouth to feed and a bunch of less electricity and water expensises over theyears, they wouldnt have to pay for college or even really do anything besides put whats left of me in a box and bury me in the backyard, there's no reason to show respesct for the dead when you showed them no respect when they were alive.

i am nothing, but i exist,
living between the rifts,
ready to jump from cliffs,
maybe, in death ill find bliss,

here i am, once again,

ok so break sucked dick and now im finally back in school.

and ignoring my hw like i was before, only now i have math hw and bio hw, but whatev.

i want to hang out wit andrea soo bad :[

im hoping tomorow i wont be late for school lol

the funeral is saturday, but tomorow i have to go and pay my respects

mizzle is letting me just work on a small clay project until the end of the semester, sounds cool.

i dont think i posted my next semester schedule up here yet..

here it is (in order):

acc alg 2- haverkate
acc eng 9- kaiser
german 1- sloan
P-Fit- Conway
Biology- Ziedas
World History- Eddy