ok
so
it took 11.5 hours to get all the way up here,
then i went swimming,
now my eyes are the color of my lips,
i love you
i miss you
i got my cell phone back
:)
Friday, August 22, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Born to be a middle class hero?
well....
i was working in the back yard with my dad (we're almost done with the wall) and i made a dumb move and now the wheelbarrow is broken, so i had to fill, move, and dump over 40 buckets of fill dirt. fun.
i really feel more numb inside recently... I used to be able to say fuck you to my family because i had a lot of friends that backed me up. Now i dont even know if i can count more than 5... some of my oldest friends are leaving me for other people and then they gang up and make me feel stupid.
i think i've found out the true center of me, the thing that determines who i am, what i do, and when i do it. I'm a young kid who has too much maturity, so im trying to force myself back, back to where everyone else is. sometimes, most times, it's worth it, it's fun and good, other times.... i feel like i should be dead.
i am a whore for attention
i was working in the back yard with my dad (we're almost done with the wall) and i made a dumb move and now the wheelbarrow is broken, so i had to fill, move, and dump over 40 buckets of fill dirt. fun.
i really feel more numb inside recently... I used to be able to say fuck you to my family because i had a lot of friends that backed me up. Now i dont even know if i can count more than 5... some of my oldest friends are leaving me for other people and then they gang up and make me feel stupid.
i think i've found out the true center of me, the thing that determines who i am, what i do, and when i do it. I'm a young kid who has too much maturity, so im trying to force myself back, back to where everyone else is. sometimes, most times, it's worth it, it's fun and good, other times.... i feel like i should be dead.
i am a whore for attention
Friday, August 1, 2008
i dont know too much about too much of my old man
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste
-William Shakespeare
i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting
he's just... a little more depressed
i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.
anyways... now it's about me
Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.
I love rum and coke :)
football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.
went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.
Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.
as for my emotions?...
idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.
I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.
It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).
Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.
I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.
I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.
oh well.
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste
-William Shakespeare
i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting
he's just... a little more depressed
i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.
anyways... now it's about me
Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.
I love rum and coke :)
football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.
went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.
Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.
as for my emotions?...
idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.
I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.
It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).
Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.
I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.
I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.
oh well.
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