*sigh*

i wish...
what do i wish for?
to start over?
to not be so fucked up?
to be able to sleep?
to be able to hold you in times like this?
to be able to reach you anywhere?
to make your life better?
to be able to make it all go away?
to help you?
to be able to fix it all?
to be the boy you deserve?
to be the guy that you love?


i dont know what i need or want

except to hold you right now

and to be allowed to sleep with you in my arms


well now for an update on my physical status

my abs are goin away
im up to 145
im eating less
i aint sleepin
i feel heavier
i hate pimples
8 minutes, but i could prbbly drag it out if i wanted to
i fell asleep in 5th hour today
i decided i love being hug raped
i rly rly feel like cutting

SO LAY DOWN, THE THREAT IS REAL!

Well... Oh well...

It failed, go figure?

I dont know why im not all upset or anything... dont worry, my frustration with the world comes out in one outburst every 6 months or so

so sometime in mid may ill probably go ballistic on something and destroy it entirely

oh well

"cwdwarf (8:13:33 PM): usually after an hour my imagination kicks in and i pretend im chuck norris, then im not afraid of me anymore"

"I like, where we are"
"I wanna wake up where you are"

I feel terrible about not skippin school with andrea today :[
next time gimme more notice ok?

eh... lifes been boring...
cant wait for spring
cant wait for sex
cant wait for football
cant wait for track
and im still bored as fuck

Ive been writing, but i want to write something more deep to me... something that spills out who i feel like i am andthe things i dont tell anyone that i barely ven tell myself... but nothing's coming, maybe im just scared?

I havent been sleeping
I havent rly been eating
I havent been thinking straight
I havent been me
I have been getting depressed more lately
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
I have...I have...
Geneital herpes


xD

On The Off Chance

That andrea w3akes up before i get back from church and reads this

my mom has offered to take me and you to go see meet the spartans today at 12:55

so be ready around noonish or call me

Are you even at your dad's house?

Kinda buzzed

mmmkay

last night/afternoon i went to andreas house and to the concert and all so im gonna do the word thingy again

home
yay!
fun
blood
more fun
Sister
Home
dog
play dirty
opie
circles
squares
cold
cold
waiting
waiting
waiting
waiting
move
wait
move
wait
move
inside
warmth
merchandising!
up
balcony
right
right
top
Human
Abstract
Jason
Colin
gabby?
no
August
Burns
Red
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
godly
The
Bled
horny
bastard
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
From
First
To
Last
...
Something
Died
Inside
Fat
Man
...
...
...
...
Everytime
I
Die
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
!!!
Lights
Ow
Crazy
Ass
Moshpit
Crazy
Ass
Stagedivers
Crazy
Ass
Crowdsurfers
!!!
!!!!
!!!!!
!!!!!!
!!!!!
!!!!
!!!
!!
!
Leave
Bye Opie!
Hi Opie!
Bye Opie!
Home
Family
Guy
Gnight

:]

Wake
Move
Sore
Chores
Hausaufgauben
Toms
Bong
Fun
Run
Hull
Chill
Mine
Toms
Mine
Leftovers
Here

Would you cry if i were to die? would you care if I wasn't there?

It's amazing how pain and repressed anger come upon a person at one time

In a single instant, happiness and contempt was changed onto fear, anxiety, pain, jealousness, etc etc

Would cutting myself open at the seams help?
would death really make me feel better?
Or are these longings to not be able to move anymore just more shit brewed in my mind?

For the past two nights I've sat alone,
Wondering why Im not gone,
Wondering why im not dead
Why im not in jail
Why im not considered an evil person
Why people refuse to see my bad side
refuse to see that im a fucking sadistic, murderous, suicidal maniac who's repressed his anger to the point of killing someone with his bare hands if anyone ever fight him,
Wonder why people refuse to see through me,
It's so easy, Just open your eyes,
Remove the mask I put on you,
I'm not that strong, I'm not that smart,
I'm not that good, I am that bad,
Why dont you people see that in an instant i would take my own life, but i would only hesitate for a second to take someone elses?
granted, if it ever came down to taking someone elses life or my own i would probably take my own just because ever since i was fucking in 2nd grade Ive believed my whole purpose in life was to make other people feel goos about themselves,
Wondering why this razor won't go deeper than it has before and why im using my fingernails to scratch instead of the razor to slice,
Wondering why i lie so much, im so manipulative, just to get my way,
Wondering why i truely cant have all out fun,
people are always saying (and im guilty of saying it too) "you have to throw yourself out there in order to have fun" what about us who already have thrown ourselves out there and fun is still a rarity? what about us to whom pain is fun and death is ecstasy? what about us, the damned, the beaten, the forgotten, the nameless?
Wondering why we arent dead
Wondering why im not dead
Wondering why im trapped in my head

I'm supposed to be able to throw myself onto you my friends, to have you help support me, but what do do if inside my own mind there's a conflict of interests? Any of you who have seen "The Prestige" the quote "I dont love you, not today" should be familiar, thats how i feel about myself, only its not "today" it's pretty much every 2 or 3 hours i change my mind about whether or not i can really stand to live with myself.

I'd love to say ive made progress, I'd love to say I've changed, but truth is, only half wants to change, the other half wants to go back and stay the way it was.

They say numbness comes from a damaged nerve, i say it comes from depression

If im not allowed to go to the concert thursday night, I'm running away

and quite frankly, i dont care all that much if i ever come back.

Ach mein lieben, bitte cry nicht, Ich'll Wash mein bludy hands und wir'll start ein neu wohn

gahhh

so i really dont feel like i have anything to say...

I really wish i coulda hung out with andrea last night

"And for all you people who aren't my supporters (white people)"

Im going to be damned honest,
those were some of the hardest hours of my life.

I tried calling her at 10 last night b4 i went to bed to wish her good night and sweet dreams but no one picked up.

so now we're back together, and it's all good for now, wedont know about the future but who ever does?

im still really tired and i wish i coulda hung out with her today, but i cant after i post this cuz im goin camping, its the camp where we set up the catapult and launch it, I'll try to have some movies/pics of it for you guys to see.

I've drawn up plans for a model guilotine and it shouldnt be that hard to make.... if i had a scroll saw in my garage...

well, im off, hope to see u sunday