i dreamed last night.

People talked to me.

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.

Man was made to build or destroy.

One or the other.

I built myself up and then i proceeded to tear myself down.

You got in the way of my complete destruction (where I've stalled out for the past 2 years).

I honestly don't know if I'd be better or worse off if we broke up (not saying that we should).

I try not to think about it.

I couldn't wait, 'til I got home, to spend the time in my room alone

It seems to me that my mind is falling into a routine. I'll wake up around 10, eat a small breakfast, be generally frustrated with whatever I'm doing, eat lunch, continue frustration, overcome frustration, be happy, eat dinner, be sad. Then I'm generally depressed until I go to be where I roll around for hours on end until my mind decides to stop hating itself enough to let me fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

Why do I hate myself?
Why do I avoid being myself at all costs?
Why does it seem like I'd be willing to do anything to be someone else?

Anyways, I'm in the depressed category right now and it seems to be getting more and more serious. When I get depressed it isn't just a "oh, I don't feel like doing anything" depression, it's normally a "I'm not going to do anyhting but if somehting happens around me it'll generally send me into a downward spiral until I eventually think about suicide in a very, VERY casual manner" depression.

I scare myself. Some days it seems all but certain that in the end, I'm going to take my own life, whereas other times (sometimes it's a matter of minutes, hours, or days) I feel like I'm untouchable.

When I get high, especially alone, I can actually feel the pleasure center of my brain ignite. It starts of as like a yawn, but it rocks back in my brain into an almost shudder and when it's over, I feel fine.

Today I felt my pleasure center open for about 20 minutes without any stimulation at all, but then I fell right back into depression.

I think I need antidepressants. Or anti-anxiety. Or just plain anything to stop making me hate myself.

It's crazy, my emotions, they'll tell me to write something one second, and by the time i have the pen and paper, my creativity is gone so I get depressed again.










I'm so goddamn lonely here.
And I'm so goddamn tired.
And I'm so goddamn stressed.
And it seems like it'll never end.
(Especially now that school is approaching)






p.s:

Summer,

Where did you go?