a person posted a question on answer bag on whether or not anyone ever felt like they were watching their life happen instead of living it.
one person suggested that it was a depressive response, another an attention disorder.
here's my response:
ive been getting this feeling on and off for about a year and a half now, it's not due to repetition because it's happened on campouts and while cooking new things and during morning routines.
i don't think its an attention disorder, i think it's a seperation between the conscious and unconscious minds, no mtter how long or temporary, it allows us to speak before even thinking about what we're syaing, allowing our conscious mind to wander while our subconscious handles all of our physical limitations.
take advantage of this and do something productive with your complex mind's freedom. i write while watching life happen.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
i wont be caught living in a dead end job
well, my brother's coming home.
it's actually a surprise. apparently he got fired from his job and he has to leave his appartment by noon tomorow. so my parents just wired him some money so he could fly home. this is going to be an interesting weekend.
my mom's got another migrane, wiling and wiling away. i feel no sumpathy for her.
my sister's friend kyle came over today, he's an albino farmer, tall, muscular, kind of socially awkward.
ive been finding myself mimicking what i did two summers ago. it feels at some points that im watching a movie instead of actually living my life. Im not sure if it's a bad thing or a good thing. i feel indifferent, not caring about it, but knowing its there. I answere everything based off of first thought, i dont even think about or comprehend the question before i answere, and most of the times its the right answer. am i normal?
i bleed alot now, lots of nose bleeds for absolutely nothing, always the right nostral.
THANK GOD SHE BLED.
sigh, cant think of anything to say so ill just type as im thinking of it wow i take a long time to type why am i still typing like this and why do i have absolutely no punctuation.... why'd i have to stop and think of how to spell punctuation? shouldnt i know that by now? wow i jusy typed know instead of now i beat this is getting really really boring for anyone reading this but thats ok because i dont really care because if you are still reading this then maybe you actually care about me or maybe you're just trying to learn something.
im thinking that im gonna ask for either SPORE the game for xmas or across the universe dvd.
im really really really lazy lately and i dont know why.
oh shit polevault start in like a week or two...
sometimes i wish people could just peek inside my head to see if i really am messed up or if its just things that can be fixed. somedays i wonder if i have brain damage. somedays i wonder if i should even bother waking up. somedays i wish i hadnt gotten up. somedays i wish the world will end in 2012. somedays i wish i was really really god at one thing instead of being ok to good in many things. i always feel emotionally vulnerable.
it's actually a surprise. apparently he got fired from his job and he has to leave his appartment by noon tomorow. so my parents just wired him some money so he could fly home. this is going to be an interesting weekend.
my mom's got another migrane, wiling and wiling away. i feel no sumpathy for her.
my sister's friend kyle came over today, he's an albino farmer, tall, muscular, kind of socially awkward.
ive been finding myself mimicking what i did two summers ago. it feels at some points that im watching a movie instead of actually living my life. Im not sure if it's a bad thing or a good thing. i feel indifferent, not caring about it, but knowing its there. I answere everything based off of first thought, i dont even think about or comprehend the question before i answere, and most of the times its the right answer. am i normal?
i bleed alot now, lots of nose bleeds for absolutely nothing, always the right nostral.
THANK GOD SHE BLED.
sigh, cant think of anything to say so ill just type as im thinking of it wow i take a long time to type why am i still typing like this and why do i have absolutely no punctuation.... why'd i have to stop and think of how to spell punctuation? shouldnt i know that by now? wow i jusy typed know instead of now i beat this is getting really really boring for anyone reading this but thats ok because i dont really care because if you are still reading this then maybe you actually care about me or maybe you're just trying to learn something.
im thinking that im gonna ask for either SPORE the game for xmas or across the universe dvd.
im really really really lazy lately and i dont know why.
oh shit polevault start in like a week or two...
sometimes i wish people could just peek inside my head to see if i really am messed up or if its just things that can be fixed. somedays i wonder if i have brain damage. somedays i wonder if i should even bother waking up. somedays i wish i hadnt gotten up. somedays i wish the world will end in 2012. somedays i wish i was really really god at one thing instead of being ok to good in many things. i always feel emotionally vulnerable.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
PS I Love You
Women Have More Diverse Hand Bacteria Than Men
ScienceDaily (Nov. 4, 2008) — A new University of Colorado at Boulder study indicates that not only do human hands harbor far higher numbers of bacteria species than previously believed, women have a significantly greater diversity of microbes on their palms than men.
Women talk three times as much as men, says study
By FIONA MACRAELast updated at 13:39 28 November 2006
Women talk almost three times as much as men, according to the research.
It is something one half of the population has long suspected - and the other half always vocally denied. Women really do talk more than men.
In fact, women talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.
Men are more intelligent than women, claims new study
By BEN CLERKIN & FIONA MACRAELast updated at 13:38 14 September 2006
It is research that is guaranteed to delight men - and infuriate the women in their lives. A controversial new study has claimed that men really are more intelligent than women.
The study - carried out by a man - concluded that men's IQs are almost four points higher than women's.
British-born researcher John Philippe Rushton, who previously created a furore by suggesting intelligence is influenced by race, says the finding could explain why so few women make it to the top in the workplace.
He claims the 'glass ceiling' phenomenon is probably due to inferior intelligence, rather than discrimination or lack of opportunity.
The University of Western Ontario psychologist reached his conclusion after scrutinising the results of university aptitude tests taken by 100,000 students aged 17 and 18 of both sexes.
A focus on a factors such as the ability to quickly grasp a complex concept, verbal reasoning skills and creativity - some of they key ingredients of intelligence - revealed the male teenagers had IQs that were an average of 3.63 points higher. The average person has an IQ of around 100.
The findings, which held true for all classes and levels of parental education, overturn a 100 year consensus that men and women average the same in general mental ability.
PS: I WIN!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
if i were not a boy scout i know what i would be
ive been watching more of the old tv shows lately,
MASH, beverly hillbillys, hogan's heroes, etc.
they're cool
so the petition hasnt happened
im really kinda lonely now adays
this draught sucks
the fight never went down
blah blah blah
here's your post
MASH, beverly hillbillys, hogan's heroes, etc.
they're cool
so the petition hasnt happened
im really kinda lonely now adays
this draught sucks
the fight never went down
blah blah blah
here's your post
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Are we growing up, or just going down?
Lolz. It was a hell of a job trying to log in here. I got your email addresses mixed up. I'm used to logging in to my gmail and just hitting the sign in button in the corner, but yours isn't synced to that account, so it didn't work right. And obviously because it isn't synced to gmail, the password didn't work and it kept asking me to start an account until I figured out that you used yahoo.
Be that as it may, by request, I am to substitute as author today (I, being the girlfriend). I'm not really sure of what to say, because I didn't get much direction in that part of the demand. Basically I'm just supposed to write whatever I think he would say. Which, I'm not really sure of. Usually he starts out with what's been going on, and then delves into his feelings about his family, friends, and then himself. Maybe he makes a comment or two about our relationship. Otherwise, he's just ranting about something that's on his mind. Either way, he ends his posts with something to think about or something to come.
Considering we don't share minds, I obviously can't fill in half of those things, and I can't really give a good perspective on how things went today.
From what I understand though, he spent most of the day doing the same old, same old. Chores and such. He finally fixed the vacuum cleaner, but not before I had called him. Considering the recent events that he posted about earlier today (technically yesterday?), I decided that I was going to see him and talk things out. I called him while I was standing at the end of his street and asked him if we could hang out. He said it was unlikely, so I told him to just come outside then. Well, we talked things out, and I think things will be better, although I can't say what his standpoint is. I definitely know how he feels now (if only he would tell me more often). I never know what is going on in that head of his until it's too late and I've fucked up somehow, or things have boiled over. But anyhow, I got to stay and eat dinner with him and his family, which I enjoyed. I haven't been over there in a while, and I don't know. I guess I kind of missed it. As strange as it is, I feel like I belong there more than anywhere else. Maybe it's because he actually has a family, or what. When he reads this, he'll probably ask me why, but I really don't mind his family all that much. I see what he means about his mom, and I will admit she's rather... off her rocker sometimes, but I can also see things from their point of view. Honestly Carl, I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents, but I would never talk to them the way that you do sometimes.
Back to our day though...
I spent a good 5 hours there and things were somewhat back to normal-I mean, as normal as things get anyway. We fooled around, and we fooled around, and we got to enjoy the day without much mental stress, or at least I didn't anyway. I can't say what he was thinking. It reminded me of how we were so long ago. Where we just had innocent fun. Albeit, innocent fun with some heavy petting, but like we used to.
I did end up leaving my stuff over there when we left, but it's nothing I can't live without. Well, maybe him, but I can't take him home with me.
This is the first night though that I willingly didn't bring my teddy bear home, and this is the first night I really wished I had it. Before, it was something that I always brought with me, like I had to bring it with me, but today, it feels like I need it.
But you know, Carl, you can feel free to substitute for it any night ^^
Speaking of which, if any night you ever feel like coming over, feel free. Or any day for that matter. Randomly. You can just show up. In fact, I think I would like a surprise visit more than anything. And if you ever come to find me not home, you can just come inside and wait for me. I gave you a key for a reason.
This post feels unfinished, but I don't know what to say now.
*as;lkdfa;sklndva;uipw9woijqowerfna,m ,zxmnvawerituqh*
*snicker*
*guffaw*
*inside joke*
Be that as it may, by request, I am to substitute as author today (I, being the girlfriend). I'm not really sure of what to say, because I didn't get much direction in that part of the demand. Basically I'm just supposed to write whatever I think he would say. Which, I'm not really sure of. Usually he starts out with what's been going on, and then delves into his feelings about his family, friends, and then himself. Maybe he makes a comment or two about our relationship. Otherwise, he's just ranting about something that's on his mind. Either way, he ends his posts with something to think about or something to come.
Considering we don't share minds, I obviously can't fill in half of those things, and I can't really give a good perspective on how things went today.
From what I understand though, he spent most of the day doing the same old, same old. Chores and such. He finally fixed the vacuum cleaner, but not before I had called him. Considering the recent events that he posted about earlier today (technically yesterday?), I decided that I was going to see him and talk things out. I called him while I was standing at the end of his street and asked him if we could hang out. He said it was unlikely, so I told him to just come outside then. Well, we talked things out, and I think things will be better, although I can't say what his standpoint is. I definitely know how he feels now (if only he would tell me more often). I never know what is going on in that head of his until it's too late and I've fucked up somehow, or things have boiled over. But anyhow, I got to stay and eat dinner with him and his family, which I enjoyed. I haven't been over there in a while, and I don't know. I guess I kind of missed it. As strange as it is, I feel like I belong there more than anywhere else. Maybe it's because he actually has a family, or what. When he reads this, he'll probably ask me why, but I really don't mind his family all that much. I see what he means about his mom, and I will admit she's rather... off her rocker sometimes, but I can also see things from their point of view. Honestly Carl, I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents, but I would never talk to them the way that you do sometimes.
Back to our day though...
I spent a good 5 hours there and things were somewhat back to normal-I mean, as normal as things get anyway. We fooled around, and we fooled around, and we got to enjoy the day without much mental stress, or at least I didn't anyway. I can't say what he was thinking. It reminded me of how we were so long ago. Where we just had innocent fun. Albeit, innocent fun with some heavy petting, but like we used to.
I did end up leaving my stuff over there when we left, but it's nothing I can't live without. Well, maybe him, but I can't take him home with me.
This is the first night though that I willingly didn't bring my teddy bear home, and this is the first night I really wished I had it. Before, it was something that I always brought with me, like I had to bring it with me, but today, it feels like I need it.
But you know, Carl, you can feel free to substitute for it any night ^^
Speaking of which, if any night you ever feel like coming over, feel free. Or any day for that matter. Randomly. You can just show up. In fact, I think I would like a surprise visit more than anything. And if you ever come to find me not home, you can just come inside and wait for me. I gave you a key for a reason.
This post feels unfinished, but I don't know what to say now.
*as;lkdfa;sklndva;uipw9woijqowerfna,m ,zxmnvawerituqh*
*snicker*
*guffaw*
*inside joke*
Can you hear me now?
I said i was going to blog on it so here it is.
I didn't want to say this because i found it slightly ironic.
It seems like you aren't even hearing me anymore. You don't care what I'm saying, it just goes in one ear, meets with a dejection, and slides right on out the other. I think it seems like we argue a lot because it takes five or six minutes just to get you to tear down your mental walls so i can actually talk with you or have you even consider what I've said. But even after all of that, you tend to just shrug off what i say. And is you aren't arguin or dejecting, you have an excuse written up already. If I'm trying to give you advice, why would you give me an excuse? Even if you don't follow it, just say 'ok' and move on. It really hurts when you don't even think about the things I say because your excuse is ready, but when someone else gives you advice you listen intently and follow it. How am I supposed to feel if i can't even talk to you without being beaten down?
You don't laugh with me anymore.
I've also been finding everything I do recently has been a failure. I can't even do chores without breaking something or doing it wrong. I cann't even think right.
By George, I think I've gone depressive
I didn't want to say this because i found it slightly ironic.
It seems like you aren't even hearing me anymore. You don't care what I'm saying, it just goes in one ear, meets with a dejection, and slides right on out the other. I think it seems like we argue a lot because it takes five or six minutes just to get you to tear down your mental walls so i can actually talk with you or have you even consider what I've said. But even after all of that, you tend to just shrug off what i say. And is you aren't arguin or dejecting, you have an excuse written up already. If I'm trying to give you advice, why would you give me an excuse? Even if you don't follow it, just say 'ok' and move on. It really hurts when you don't even think about the things I say because your excuse is ready, but when someone else gives you advice you listen intently and follow it. How am I supposed to feel if i can't even talk to you without being beaten down?
You don't laugh with me anymore.
I've also been finding everything I do recently has been a failure. I can't even do chores without breaking something or doing it wrong. I cann't even think right.
By George, I think I've gone depressive
Monday, September 15, 2008
moderatly confused
The pressure is mounting
sorry about the lack of posts but right now i dont even think writing stuff down will help.
i mean... try to imagine the stress of my life, it's the every day stress of advanced school, plus the moving away of two silings, plus the major surgeries on both sides of the family, plus the change of lifestyle for my aunt who is determined to relate to me, plus the developement of alergies to my cats, plus this damn cold, plus the lack of ability to write anything decent recently, plus the whole i have no friens in my 2nd hour which is awkward cuz it's taught by the coach who i just quit form, plus the quiting of football, plus the searching for a gym, plus the almost completion of the rock wall, plus the winterizing of the lawn, plus the massive lack of sleep, plus the shallow and not deep sleep, plus the self made confusion, plus, plus, plus, plus....
fuck it
im not going to say im sick of it, because in all reality i dont feel i am,
im just tired, tired in the sense of not sleeping and in the sense of it feels like im repeating the same routine every week to no end.
shall i wallow in more misery?
im getting fat. i dont care what you say im getting fat and i hate it.
im sorry, how could i be so dumb as to not do what i didnt do? i know it was like i was there more for the weed than for you, and looking back on it it even seems that way to me. you know when i told you about how sometimes i feel like i just need to be away from everyone, like no one touching me? that was one of those times, so im sorry if i confused you.
It really does seem strange how openly kate and i talked about last year, i can tell it bothered some people around us. but i dont think there's any reason to not look back on things and choose only to see the good in them. It was nice to be openly honest about the things that happened between me and her and i think the air is a little clearer now.
if only the air in my head would clear.
or my sinuses, but that might never come.
sorry about the lack of posts but right now i dont even think writing stuff down will help.
i mean... try to imagine the stress of my life, it's the every day stress of advanced school, plus the moving away of two silings, plus the major surgeries on both sides of the family, plus the change of lifestyle for my aunt who is determined to relate to me, plus the developement of alergies to my cats, plus this damn cold, plus the lack of ability to write anything decent recently, plus the whole i have no friens in my 2nd hour which is awkward cuz it's taught by the coach who i just quit form, plus the quiting of football, plus the searching for a gym, plus the almost completion of the rock wall, plus the winterizing of the lawn, plus the massive lack of sleep, plus the shallow and not deep sleep, plus the self made confusion, plus, plus, plus, plus....
fuck it
im not going to say im sick of it, because in all reality i dont feel i am,
im just tired, tired in the sense of not sleeping and in the sense of it feels like im repeating the same routine every week to no end.
shall i wallow in more misery?
im getting fat. i dont care what you say im getting fat and i hate it.
im sorry, how could i be so dumb as to not do what i didnt do? i know it was like i was there more for the weed than for you, and looking back on it it even seems that way to me. you know when i told you about how sometimes i feel like i just need to be away from everyone, like no one touching me? that was one of those times, so im sorry if i confused you.
It really does seem strange how openly kate and i talked about last year, i can tell it bothered some people around us. but i dont think there's any reason to not look back on things and choose only to see the good in them. It was nice to be openly honest about the things that happened between me and her and i think the air is a little clearer now.
if only the air in my head would clear.
or my sinuses, but that might never come.
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