Because you asked

1: I try too much to be funny, I do it too cover up myself. If I can keep people laughing they don't have enough time to think about how fucked up I am and why I do what I do.

2: I am an attention whore. I love and hate the spotlight. The nervousness kills me and I don't want to be found out, but I love being in the spotlight when I can hide behind something.

3: I always have an excuse. I'll not do something or say something just to save my own ass and not give a shit about anyone else.

4: I say I don't care and that other people can fuck off. But really, it hurts me when I am not friends with everyone. It hurts when people tell me they hate me and never give me a reason.

5: I get depressed easily, too easily.

6: I like being depressed, I like that pain in my stomach, I like the extra voice in my head telling me to go kill myself, I like horrifying other people with my stories of the stuff I have done while depressed.

7: I'm too dependent on drugs, sleeping and relaxing with them.

8: I hate my parents I would kill them in an instant.

9: I am all talk.

10: I am terrified of being hit in football.

To cause some sleep and to stop my weep

fukcing a

i just had a post

oh well it deleted it

heres it in short

new pr at 9'

need to work on pre reqs and job application

need to spend more time with andrea

need sleep aids and anti depressents

life sucks

Take me out of my body to... smell california, and, sweet hypocrocy

ah what the fuck.
im losing it, not that i ever had it, but i am losing it.
saturday i gave myself a minor concusion, i hit my head on the patio cover thing and then hit my head on the bucket i was carrying, thank god no one saw.
today i got hit square in the face with a soccer ball.
ever since then.. when my pulse gets up, my hearing goes fuzzy, i feel disasociated, and i dont feel like moving and i get really tired... oh well

according to my family i like getting in to arguments with them. i suppose so, because it's only through arguing that i can prove i am better because they are fucking dumbshits who dont listen.

today i found out i have four tests on thursday, a Julius Caesar test, a Gym test, a Fetal Pig test, and a WW! test. I have no free time, no life, nothing.

I've been breaking down more often lately, i brokedown 4 times in the past week. i dont know what it is but something really really stressful has happened.

oh, so my sister finally decided and she is now for sure going to michigan tech, we're driving her up sometime mid july i think. My brother is going to florida on a work/learn program with disney world.

Just think, not only will i be the oinly kid in the house to be bitched at, i now have to make up for all the chores they would be doing.

Haikus have been about the only thing I've been able to write recently, it's really frustrating when u have all of this tension and absolutely no release other than tricking other people in to hurtin you or hurting urself in less than obvious ways.

I have ten bucks, three guesses what it's going to.

Our back yard project is going pretty good, my dad took out the stairs and now about 2 walls are done, it's just one corner left, and then we have to figure out what the fuck we're gonna do with it all.

Im soo tired. I sleep for hours on end, wake up and feel the same as i did when i fell asleep. I dont know why either.

and yet again i am at a point where i dont know what i want.
i dont want to die, but there are days
I dont want to run away
i dont want to kill someone or something
i dont want to get wasted
i dont want to do more

i guess all i want is the world to slow down,
that seems so selfish


why am i so selfish?
i want the world to slow down so i can take a break, rest up, get back in the game,
but that'll never happen, for me or for anyone.

they say kids are becoming more grown up younger and younger now adays, maybe if you didn't rape their minds with fear they'd stay young.

fucking a

tired stressed
god that was goodweekend
2s
1d
0slp
skipped practice saturday to help in the yard, saw fiddler twice, boyscout meeting tonight i went to, massive mood swings, nyquil to sleep, im so sorry for hurting you, running, more running, jumping, stairs, sleep, poetry, mental blocks, failures, etc. etc.

life is hectic

you bleed just like you puke

hey love
im sorry your sick
im sorry im so demented
but thats ok
it what we call love

so definantly got in an argument over whether alchohol is worse than weed or not
alchohol deaths in 2004: 2115 (just 16-20 year olds)
tobaccoe deaths in 2004: estamated over 400,000
marijuanna deaths in 2004: estamated 5000

now think about this




had enouhg time?




no?




well too bad,
marijuanna (used by almost every age bracket) kills only a few thousand more than alchohol does in just one age bracket across 4 years!


oh well


anyways

best birthday ever
i gots a headache now though
im almost out but andrews getting me some more
im carving my own pipe so it might be a while b4 i rly can have a new one unless it's something quick and out of tin foil

i love you

get well soon! :]

In Response

to what happened between nat's ex and andrea... im proud of her,sounds kinda lame but i am...

Im also surprised it took so long for someone else to make a move but whatever, it happens

im just happy she loves me enough to stay away


i love you

:P

so it happened again, not last night, but the night before... WAYY better

other than that... saw 21, good movie
hung out with harpo and andrea in the same day at dif times
went to some mexican place and it sucked ass
woke up today at 11:30 with a headache and 6 missed calls, 2 from andrea 4 from Chelsea

i think i would write something right now if i didnt feel so tired/headache-y