lets see...

well, not much to blog on so far this week. Random loooonnngg hour convo's with my granparents who like to relish in the past, boringness online, watching some tv shows i would never be allowed to wach at home, and today we're gonna go glow-putting.

Yesterday was really a downer day for me. I didn't really do much, and a little after lunch I just felt kinda sick, but I wasn't it was just my mentality. I was having the same reoccuring thoughts/memories that was having last year when I started cutting. I felt really really lonely and like I wanted to die/run away. Thank you Nat for helping me.

Well those feelings started to lift at around 11 last night... and I was able to relax and watch TV until like 1:30.

and now Im bored again

Old people

Ive decided that the day I become old, frail, and senile, is the day that I will jump off of a bridge. Old people are too much of a hassle for the community, no one should live past 65.

Im at my grandparents all week. don't call, don't text. Leave me messages on myspace or something.

...

I also feel like cutting

Because

I feel like crying

But the tears just won't come

I feel Weak

Because I... I'm not doing anything right.

Someone, Please help me.

I feel

lonely

Katie just told me that she can't come over today.

I haven't seen anyone since Thursday.

Friday=chores
Saturday=chores
today=chores

I lead a very boring, lonely life

I miss everyone

all of my friends

I miss school

I feel sick

Sick of this shit hole house

Sick of my parents who lord over me

Sick of nothing good happening

Sick of everything that should be good going bad

Sick of lying awake every night making plans to do something fun that never works out

Sick of trying

I'm sick of it, all of it.

I just want to know some one is there

someone who I can actually see in person

but that will never happen

your all out

doing stuff




what I wouldn't give to see a friend right now

You seen this?

this is what some seniors put up on myspace for the 'Churchill' school group thing:

"
Dear Freshman,
Congrats....now you're the lowest of the low, Here are just a few helpful words of advice:
1) You are not cool.

2) Everyone does hate you.

3) You are annoying.

4) JOIN the choir class

- Sex doesn't make you cool & it won't make the upper-class boys think any higher of you. So don't go around bragging about it, no one cares & then you look like an easy freshman whore.. just leave all the slutty things you did in 8th grade in middle school.

- dont brag about the number of seniors you know. The more u brag, the more we can tell youre a freshman.

- You are a F-R-E-S-H-M-A-N.. not a "freshie" - shut up, you sound like a queer

- Don't walk around telling upperclassmen you're not all stupid freshman, we don't care, we're still calling you one.

-Respect your teachers and your peers. Getting written up everyday and purposely failing really doesn't look cool, we may laugh but it is at you for your ignorance. If your going to waste time and school board money on bullshitting around just drop out your a lost cause and your really not that cool. people talk down about you behind your back.

- Dont think you're smart because you filled up water bottles with vodka/ or coke bottles with bacardi and snuck it onto your 8th grade field trip. We've all done it.. so don't be proud.

- Don't post things like "FINALLY A FRESHIE!! LOLZZZ" on myspace. If anything, you suck big time.

- DO NOT think that the upper-class girls are your best friends.. they will just laugh at you.

-Do not wear ripped jeans and an Abercrombie shirt because you want to make "a variety of friends."

-If you are going to try and rebel, it most likely won't work.

- Don't think that you have privacy now. Once you're here.. Your business is everyone's business.

-Dont tell everyone you love your boyfriend after 2 days, you're an idiot.

- Don't try to sit at upperclassmen lunch tables. You will be picked up and thrown onto the floor.

- dont tell your friends that youre busy after school and tell them u have to go meet your friends in the jr./sr. parking lot, we all know your brother/sisters just taking you home.

- You'll never be as hot as the '08, '09, & '10 girls. So don't try.

- To all freshman guys, you can't get with the class of '08 & '09 & '10 girls.

- Don't try to say you're older than you really are. The way you walk, dress & talk just has freshman written all over you.

- Your name is "the class of 11." HAHA.. enough said.

-Don' t try to pull that shit "Well you were freshmen once..." STOP! We know that we were freshmen, but we arent anymore so shut the fuck up.

-The day you mess with our boyfriend/girlfriend, you'll never enjoy high school again, b****.

- Don't be a slut. This should be the number one rule.

- DO NOT crowd our halls like cattle, because the upper classmen can (& most likely will), push you out of the way. You WILL get hurt

-To all the freshman guys, we know your balls haven't dropped yet. That's why you still sound like Mickey Mouse. Don't go around bragging how big your d*** is or how huge your balls are. We all know you're lying.

Welcome to hell. =]

Believe me---You CANT win. Have FUN being a freshman...for a fun-filled year with NO life and NO opinion whatsoever.

Sincerely,
The Classes of '08, '09 &'10
"

kinda stupid, no?

Apologies

Teri:
I'm sorry for posting that argument between me and Christy and I'm sorry for ever bringing up you and Fry in the argument in the first place. I'm sorry for Cedar Point, we never should have done anything, thank god we didn't do anything we would've really regretted.

Elise:
I'm sorry for being mean to you at times, like saying that you look like a man. I'm sorry for all of those times where I've made you feel bad.

Sahana:
I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I should've seen what was going on and seperated myself from you as fast as possible so you wouldn't have been hurt as much. I'm sorry for joking around with you about the matter to which will not bring up here, but please, please stop. All your doing is increasing your potential to hurt yourself and others in the future.

Kayleigh:
I'm sorry for being an asshole to you over the past year.

Katie M.:
I'm sorry for jumping in to a relationship with you right after you had broken up with Ethan, I should've realised that you would need your space and backed off.

Katie C.:
I'm sorry for cheating on you. I'm sorry for not stoping. I'm sorry for everything and anything I've done that has hurt you. I'm sorry I can't see you more.

Family:
I'm sorry I'm not exactly what you want. I'm sorry that I'll never be as good a student as Joe and Dad, or as good a musician as Mom, or as good an athlete as Sharon. I'm sorry that I don't meet up to your standards. I'm sorry that I don't do everything that you want me to, and I'm sorry that the things I do aren't allways done on time.

Christy:
I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry that I did cheat on you the day we broke up. I'm sorry that I didn't realise what was going on and break up with you sooner. I'm sorry for everything I said, and I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Connie:
I'm sorry if anything I've ever done has stepped over the line. I'm sorry that life has handed you so much shit to deal with.

Nat:
I'm sorry for not stoping when I should've. It would've saved us both a lot of trouble. I'm sorry for choosing Andrea over you. I'm sorry I ever misjudged you.

Everyone:
I'm sorry if I ever was an asshole to anyone of you. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you. I'm sorry.

~.~

I just had the weirdest night of sleep ever.

I took a nap at 4:30pm yesterday... but i didn't wake up until 9:30

So i stayed up until 2am

and then slept until 10:30am

thats like... 13.5 hours of sleep

yeah, i would say i was tired...



You shoulda heard the storms last night, there was a good one at 11:30 and another that went from 1:30 past when I fell asleep. It was amazing.

Lightning was lighting up my windows and shit. I loved it.