Prison dehydrates me


Would anyone read a book that's told through an inmate's blog?

What would the comments say?

Think of how flexible and unused that entire section of literature is untouched.

And you wouldn't necessarily hear everything that goes on in the prison/in his/her life, just the things that s/he is allowed to write about or wants to write about.

So many different possible story arcs.

I wish I had concentration, I'd be filthy rich.

I let everyone down.

Summer is over.

I still have 125 pages of wuthering heights to read.

I feel like shit for yesterday.




There is no way you cold ever tell me that not getting online wasn't my fault. I wasn't thinking.


I'm really, truly sorry and I won't let it ever happen again. I'm sorry that it even happened once.

I'll wait for you to get online, maybe you slept better than I did.

Jimmy Says It's Better Than Air

This will play out interestingly

If Andrea's mom decides to call my parents, my parents' reactions will be interesting.

I imagine my dad would ground me and keep my mom from doing anything too bad. I'd probably lose my phone and the car for a while (until indoor season probably). No doubt they'd try and do something with my bong/bubbler(if they are told about it). Maybe I'd be forced to go to therapy again, but I think I'd be able to talk myself out of it, the whole "I'm a teenager" thing.

So to counteract that, I'm going to fin someone's house to stash my bong at and hide my bubbler somewhere absurdly hard to reach along with all of my other paraphernalia.

Here's my defence:
My grades haven't changed,
It relieves stress
It helps me after a workout
It helps me sleep
It's social
It's not nearly as bad as drinking
I don't smoke tobacco
I'm still working out
I've never been retarded enough to be caught
I've never brought weed to school
I've never smoked just to smoke (smoke socially)
I haven't gotten in trouble at school since 6th grade, so obviously it hasn't made me into a monster
I don't deal
I don't save money to buy it (I'm an opportunist stoner)
I don't normally plan on doing it
I'm not relying on it
I don't drive on it
I keep everyone within normalcy
At least it's not crack :D


Alternatively, she may choose not to tell my parents and hold it above our heads,

which would be interesting, and mark that she understands her own limits

If she asks me why she shouldn't tell my parents;

I don't deal
I don't endanger anyone else when I'm high
It's really none of her business telling my parents because the only thing she knows is that I have received a bong from Andrea, everything else could be word of mouth
I'll tell them when I'm ready
If she doesn't want me to, I will not smoke with Andrea,
I'm not her kid; not her problem
I didn't get her daughter to smoke first
We are opportunists
Taking things away from her daughter is only going to make her want to cut or do drugs more, not make her want to be an angel,
She has no idea what's going on in my family's life and telling them of this could be absolutely devastating to my family
I don't expect things to ever be the same between me and anyone in her family


If worse comes to worst, she can search me everythime I enter her house :p

i dreamed last night.

People talked to me.

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.

Man was made to build or destroy.

One or the other.

I built myself up and then i proceeded to tear myself down.

You got in the way of my complete destruction (where I've stalled out for the past 2 years).

I honestly don't know if I'd be better or worse off if we broke up (not saying that we should).

I try not to think about it.

I couldn't wait, 'til I got home, to spend the time in my room alone

It seems to me that my mind is falling into a routine. I'll wake up around 10, eat a small breakfast, be generally frustrated with whatever I'm doing, eat lunch, continue frustration, overcome frustration, be happy, eat dinner, be sad. Then I'm generally depressed until I go to be where I roll around for hours on end until my mind decides to stop hating itself enough to let me fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

Why do I hate myself?
Why do I avoid being myself at all costs?
Why does it seem like I'd be willing to do anything to be someone else?

Anyways, I'm in the depressed category right now and it seems to be getting more and more serious. When I get depressed it isn't just a "oh, I don't feel like doing anything" depression, it's normally a "I'm not going to do anyhting but if somehting happens around me it'll generally send me into a downward spiral until I eventually think about suicide in a very, VERY casual manner" depression.

I scare myself. Some days it seems all but certain that in the end, I'm going to take my own life, whereas other times (sometimes it's a matter of minutes, hours, or days) I feel like I'm untouchable.

When I get high, especially alone, I can actually feel the pleasure center of my brain ignite. It starts of as like a yawn, but it rocks back in my brain into an almost shudder and when it's over, I feel fine.

Today I felt my pleasure center open for about 20 minutes without any stimulation at all, but then I fell right back into depression.

I think I need antidepressants. Or anti-anxiety. Or just plain anything to stop making me hate myself.

It's crazy, my emotions, they'll tell me to write something one second, and by the time i have the pen and paper, my creativity is gone so I get depressed again.










I'm so goddamn lonely here.
And I'm so goddamn tired.
And I'm so goddamn stressed.
And it seems like it'll never end.
(Especially now that school is approaching)






p.s:

Summer,

Where did you go?

in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

My car is clean!
And filled with fluids.


Tomorrow I head off to beach vault :]
My mom said I can go with Andrea on vacation :]
I've almost got a full six pack :]


Oh, and I've got notes for you, love, don't let me forget! :]


Life is good



(three nights in a row now I couldn't fall asleep because I kept waking up and thinking about how much I love you)