Lolz. It was a hell of a job trying to log in here. I got your email addresses mixed up. I'm used to logging in to my gmail and just hitting the sign in button in the corner, but yours isn't synced to that account, so it didn't work right. And obviously because it isn't synced to gmail, the password didn't work and it kept asking me to start an account until I figured out that you used yahoo.
Be that as it may, by request, I am to substitute as author today (I, being the girlfriend). I'm not really sure of what to say, because I didn't get much direction in that part of the demand. Basically I'm just supposed to write whatever I think he would say. Which, I'm not really sure of. Usually he starts out with what's been going on, and then delves into his feelings about his family, friends, and then himself. Maybe he makes a comment or two about our relationship. Otherwise, he's just ranting about something that's on his mind. Either way, he ends his posts with something to think about or something to come.
Considering we don't share minds, I obviously can't fill in half of those things, and I can't really give a good perspective on how things went today.
From what I understand though, he spent most of the day doing the same old, same old. Chores and such. He finally fixed the vacuum cleaner, but not before I had called him. Considering the recent events that he posted about earlier today (technically yesterday?), I decided that I was going to see him and talk things out. I called him while I was standing at the end of his street and asked him if we could hang out. He said it was unlikely, so I told him to just come outside then. Well, we talked things out, and I think things will be better, although I can't say what his standpoint is. I definitely know how he feels now (if only he would tell me more often). I never know what is going on in that head of his until it's too late and I've fucked up somehow, or things have boiled over. But anyhow, I got to stay and eat dinner with him and his family, which I enjoyed. I haven't been over there in a while, and I don't know. I guess I kind of missed it. As strange as it is, I feel like I belong there more than anywhere else. Maybe it's because he actually has a family, or what. When he reads this, he'll probably ask me why, but I really don't mind his family all that much. I see what he means about his mom, and I will admit she's rather... off her rocker sometimes, but I can also see things from their point of view. Honestly Carl, I don't have the greatest relationship with my parents, but I would never talk to them the way that you do sometimes.
Back to our day though...
I spent a good 5 hours there and things were somewhat back to normal-I mean, as normal as things get anyway. We fooled around, and we fooled around, and we got to enjoy the day without much mental stress, or at least I didn't anyway. I can't say what he was thinking. It reminded me of how we were so long ago. Where we just had innocent fun. Albeit, innocent fun with some heavy petting, but like we used to.
I did end up leaving my stuff over there when we left, but it's nothing I can't live without. Well, maybe him, but I can't take him home with me.
This is the first night though that I willingly didn't bring my teddy bear home, and this is the first night I really wished I had it. Before, it was something that I always brought with me, like I had to bring it with me, but today, it feels like I need it.
But you know, Carl, you can feel free to substitute for it any night ^^
Speaking of which, if any night you ever feel like coming over, feel free. Or any day for that matter. Randomly. You can just show up. In fact, I think I would like a surprise visit more than anything. And if you ever come to find me not home, you can just come inside and wait for me. I gave you a key for a reason.
This post feels unfinished, but I don't know what to say now.
*as;lkdfa;sklndva;uipw9woijqowerfna,m ,zxmnvawerituqh*
*snicker*
*guffaw*
*inside joke*
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Can you hear me now?
I said i was going to blog on it so here it is.
I didn't want to say this because i found it slightly ironic.
It seems like you aren't even hearing me anymore. You don't care what I'm saying, it just goes in one ear, meets with a dejection, and slides right on out the other. I think it seems like we argue a lot because it takes five or six minutes just to get you to tear down your mental walls so i can actually talk with you or have you even consider what I've said. But even after all of that, you tend to just shrug off what i say. And is you aren't arguin or dejecting, you have an excuse written up already. If I'm trying to give you advice, why would you give me an excuse? Even if you don't follow it, just say 'ok' and move on. It really hurts when you don't even think about the things I say because your excuse is ready, but when someone else gives you advice you listen intently and follow it. How am I supposed to feel if i can't even talk to you without being beaten down?
You don't laugh with me anymore.
I've also been finding everything I do recently has been a failure. I can't even do chores without breaking something or doing it wrong. I cann't even think right.
By George, I think I've gone depressive
I didn't want to say this because i found it slightly ironic.
It seems like you aren't even hearing me anymore. You don't care what I'm saying, it just goes in one ear, meets with a dejection, and slides right on out the other. I think it seems like we argue a lot because it takes five or six minutes just to get you to tear down your mental walls so i can actually talk with you or have you even consider what I've said. But even after all of that, you tend to just shrug off what i say. And is you aren't arguin or dejecting, you have an excuse written up already. If I'm trying to give you advice, why would you give me an excuse? Even if you don't follow it, just say 'ok' and move on. It really hurts when you don't even think about the things I say because your excuse is ready, but when someone else gives you advice you listen intently and follow it. How am I supposed to feel if i can't even talk to you without being beaten down?
You don't laugh with me anymore.
I've also been finding everything I do recently has been a failure. I can't even do chores without breaking something or doing it wrong. I cann't even think right.
By George, I think I've gone depressive
Monday, September 15, 2008
moderatly confused
The pressure is mounting
sorry about the lack of posts but right now i dont even think writing stuff down will help.
i mean... try to imagine the stress of my life, it's the every day stress of advanced school, plus the moving away of two silings, plus the major surgeries on both sides of the family, plus the change of lifestyle for my aunt who is determined to relate to me, plus the developement of alergies to my cats, plus this damn cold, plus the lack of ability to write anything decent recently, plus the whole i have no friens in my 2nd hour which is awkward cuz it's taught by the coach who i just quit form, plus the quiting of football, plus the searching for a gym, plus the almost completion of the rock wall, plus the winterizing of the lawn, plus the massive lack of sleep, plus the shallow and not deep sleep, plus the self made confusion, plus, plus, plus, plus....
fuck it
im not going to say im sick of it, because in all reality i dont feel i am,
im just tired, tired in the sense of not sleeping and in the sense of it feels like im repeating the same routine every week to no end.
shall i wallow in more misery?
im getting fat. i dont care what you say im getting fat and i hate it.
im sorry, how could i be so dumb as to not do what i didnt do? i know it was like i was there more for the weed than for you, and looking back on it it even seems that way to me. you know when i told you about how sometimes i feel like i just need to be away from everyone, like no one touching me? that was one of those times, so im sorry if i confused you.
It really does seem strange how openly kate and i talked about last year, i can tell it bothered some people around us. but i dont think there's any reason to not look back on things and choose only to see the good in them. It was nice to be openly honest about the things that happened between me and her and i think the air is a little clearer now.
if only the air in my head would clear.
or my sinuses, but that might never come.
sorry about the lack of posts but right now i dont even think writing stuff down will help.
i mean... try to imagine the stress of my life, it's the every day stress of advanced school, plus the moving away of two silings, plus the major surgeries on both sides of the family, plus the change of lifestyle for my aunt who is determined to relate to me, plus the developement of alergies to my cats, plus this damn cold, plus the lack of ability to write anything decent recently, plus the whole i have no friens in my 2nd hour which is awkward cuz it's taught by the coach who i just quit form, plus the quiting of football, plus the searching for a gym, plus the almost completion of the rock wall, plus the winterizing of the lawn, plus the massive lack of sleep, plus the shallow and not deep sleep, plus the self made confusion, plus, plus, plus, plus....
fuck it
im not going to say im sick of it, because in all reality i dont feel i am,
im just tired, tired in the sense of not sleeping and in the sense of it feels like im repeating the same routine every week to no end.
shall i wallow in more misery?
im getting fat. i dont care what you say im getting fat and i hate it.
im sorry, how could i be so dumb as to not do what i didnt do? i know it was like i was there more for the weed than for you, and looking back on it it even seems that way to me. you know when i told you about how sometimes i feel like i just need to be away from everyone, like no one touching me? that was one of those times, so im sorry if i confused you.
It really does seem strange how openly kate and i talked about last year, i can tell it bothered some people around us. but i dont think there's any reason to not look back on things and choose only to see the good in them. It was nice to be openly honest about the things that happened between me and her and i think the air is a little clearer now.
if only the air in my head would clear.
or my sinuses, but that might never come.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Live and Let Die
Do I Stay or Do I go?
fucking a
well i've been swirlin around the same thoughts in my head about quiting football.
Pros:
more time
less work
more focused on polevault
cons:
I'll miss it
I still will have to deal with demarco all semester
neutral:
7 weeks left of the season
well i talked with demarco after class today about it and here's pretty much how the convo went:
"I wanna quit"
"no you dont"
"yeah... i do"
"why"
"i wanna focus more on polevault because i feel i have a much bigger chance of actually being someone and doing something."
"well look at it this way, there's only 7 weeks left, that's what... 14 workouts with vern?"
"something like that"
"look, i know you haven't been getting as much playing time as you would like"
"it's not about the playing time coach, irt's more like im sick of playing in someone else's shadow"
"have you been behind kutek for long?"
"2 years now and 2 years behind harp before that"
"we've bbeen trying to get you in, and look at it this way, if kutek gets injured-"
"then youll send in chris"
"not necesarily, he's playing a lot on defence. You two will split the second string."
*monologue time for coach*
"I know it doesnt seem like uch, but we are trying to get you in. You are a good athelete. That's why ive been putting you out there on the edge for special teams because i know you can get out there. and your not just a player, your a leader. You may not be one of the captains, but you are a leader in the way you do things and the way you work hard. You are the type of player that every team needs, your smart but not cocky. now i want you to not go to film today but go home and think about quiting, obviously you've thought about it a bit already, but i want you to think again and know what's the right decision."
by this point the bell for the next class rings
now im wondering how many times he's given this speach to other kids and how many times it has worked or failed.
im gonna pick this talk apart later, but not now
fucking a
well i've been swirlin around the same thoughts in my head about quiting football.
Pros:
more time
less work
more focused on polevault
cons:
I'll miss it
I still will have to deal with demarco all semester
neutral:
7 weeks left of the season
well i talked with demarco after class today about it and here's pretty much how the convo went:
"I wanna quit"
"no you dont"
"yeah... i do"
"why"
"i wanna focus more on polevault because i feel i have a much bigger chance of actually being someone and doing something."
"well look at it this way, there's only 7 weeks left, that's what... 14 workouts with vern?"
"something like that"
"look, i know you haven't been getting as much playing time as you would like"
"it's not about the playing time coach, irt's more like im sick of playing in someone else's shadow"
"have you been behind kutek for long?"
"2 years now and 2 years behind harp before that"
"we've bbeen trying to get you in, and look at it this way, if kutek gets injured-"
"then youll send in chris"
"not necesarily, he's playing a lot on defence. You two will split the second string."
*monologue time for coach*
"I know it doesnt seem like uch, but we are trying to get you in. You are a good athelete. That's why ive been putting you out there on the edge for special teams because i know you can get out there. and your not just a player, your a leader. You may not be one of the captains, but you are a leader in the way you do things and the way you work hard. You are the type of player that every team needs, your smart but not cocky. now i want you to not go to film today but go home and think about quiting, obviously you've thought about it a bit already, but i want you to think again and know what's the right decision."
by this point the bell for the next class rings
now im wondering how many times he's given this speach to other kids and how many times it has worked or failed.
im gonna pick this talk apart later, but not now
Friday, August 22, 2008
ow
ok
so
it took 11.5 hours to get all the way up here,
then i went swimming,
now my eyes are the color of my lips,
i love you
i miss you
i got my cell phone back
:)
so
it took 11.5 hours to get all the way up here,
then i went swimming,
now my eyes are the color of my lips,
i love you
i miss you
i got my cell phone back
:)
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Born to be a middle class hero?
well....
i was working in the back yard with my dad (we're almost done with the wall) and i made a dumb move and now the wheelbarrow is broken, so i had to fill, move, and dump over 40 buckets of fill dirt. fun.
i really feel more numb inside recently... I used to be able to say fuck you to my family because i had a lot of friends that backed me up. Now i dont even know if i can count more than 5... some of my oldest friends are leaving me for other people and then they gang up and make me feel stupid.
i think i've found out the true center of me, the thing that determines who i am, what i do, and when i do it. I'm a young kid who has too much maturity, so im trying to force myself back, back to where everyone else is. sometimes, most times, it's worth it, it's fun and good, other times.... i feel like i should be dead.
i am a whore for attention
i was working in the back yard with my dad (we're almost done with the wall) and i made a dumb move and now the wheelbarrow is broken, so i had to fill, move, and dump over 40 buckets of fill dirt. fun.
i really feel more numb inside recently... I used to be able to say fuck you to my family because i had a lot of friends that backed me up. Now i dont even know if i can count more than 5... some of my oldest friends are leaving me for other people and then they gang up and make me feel stupid.
i think i've found out the true center of me, the thing that determines who i am, what i do, and when i do it. I'm a young kid who has too much maturity, so im trying to force myself back, back to where everyone else is. sometimes, most times, it's worth it, it's fun and good, other times.... i feel like i should be dead.
i am a whore for attention
Friday, August 1, 2008
i dont know too much about too much of my old man
When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste
-William Shakespeare
i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting
he's just... a little more depressed
i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.
anyways... now it's about me
Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.
I love rum and coke :)
football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.
went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.
Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.
as for my emotions?...
idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.
I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.
It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).
Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.
I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.
I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.
oh well.
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste
-William Shakespeare
i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting
he's just... a little more depressed
i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.
anyways... now it's about me
Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.
I love rum and coke :)
football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.
went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.
Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.
as for my emotions?...
idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.
I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.
It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).
Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.
I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.
I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.
oh well.
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