When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up sweet rememberance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's
waste
-William Shakespeare
i think my dad is beginning to realize how old he's getting
he's just... a little more depressed
i think his constant back problems and the fact that he already has two kids out of the house is really getting to him.
anyways... now it's about me
Ethan found a new job so he hasn't been home when im calling him and henry hasn't been home at all so ive been clean for a week now... wow that looks like a short time but it feels really really long.
I love rum and coke :)
football camp is over now, we've switched from a power inside run game to a spread pass game, so this year and next year's varsity teams are either going to suck because they're confused or they're going to kick ass because no one's ever seen CHS throw the ball.
went swimming with tom yesterday, made for an interesting experience.
Im about 120 pages in to as i lay dying, it's actually not as bad or confusing as the first 5 chapter make it out to be.
as for my emotions?...
idk, it's been back and forth netween not seeing a point or reason to stay alive and being high on life, basically either being at home/practice or being with andrea or some other friend.
I've found that with berger not playing football this year, I have no one to talk with or joke around with and it really makes me feel emo. I stand there, waiting for my turn and i have nothing to do but stand and watch.
It's also incredibly annoying when i dont get any respect from anyone. yesterday i stood there for about an hour doing nothing because neither chris or dillon wanted to rotate. it's not like i could just tell coach, then i'd be even less popular (if that's possible), and it's not like i could muscle my way in (he's 6' 170 and im 5'8" 145).
Another annoying thing is that im almost guaranteed not to play this year. there are three people ahead of me for my position, all of whom are 6' whatever and over 160. It's so much bullshit that i have to let people who dont even know how to take a hand off try to play just because they're bigger than me. god, i feel like i've been a broken record since i started playing football, they woint give me the ball for one of two reasons, either a)I'm too small or b)I haven't proven myself. as for the second one, I could prove myself if they would just give me the ball to prove myself with. I think a season of +8yrds per carry and no fumbles is proving myself. wtf does chris have? almost a fumble a game and about 5 touchdowns. sure he has more touchdowns, but that's because they give him the ball every other play he's in, while i, got the ball once or twice a game if i was lucky. Don't give me any shit about "oh, it's for the better of the team" FUCK NO, chris is a dumbshit who doesn't even try to prove himself. He knows he's going to get the ball simply because he's big so all he does is dick around and piss off everyone with half a brain.
It's not like i could change positions either, i don't have good enough hands to be a wide receiver and, yet again, i'm not big enough to be a lineman.
I'm seriously considering quiting, it's not worth my time anymore.
I'm probably going to play out this season, see how things go (because my parent's have already sank money into it) and if nothing changes im not playing next year.
oh well.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I am the Lorax...
I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues. Well, I am not the Lorax. I am the girlfriend, and I speak for Carl for Carl has no tongue (so-to-speak).
As of now he is gone off to pictured rocks and he'll be back next Saturday for any of you who already didn't know.
And if I hadn't already wasted all of his minutes on his phone, *sheepish look,* we could've called him. If he were smart enough to bring his phone in the first place lawlz.
Anyway, the point of this post was because I told him he should update before he leaves, because he hasn't updated in pretty much an entire month, and of course, he didn't get a chance to update himself. Either that or he chooses not to, but, too bad for him.
I can't really remember myself what has all happened these last three weeks, mostly it was a lot of me going back and forth to his house or mine and the usual stuff that happens with that. Of course, Sharon's party happened last week and there was an epic laser tag battle with CB and John and everybody, and some little kid that was annoying as fuck that kept saying, 'PWNAGE,' except for the fact that he was 7 and also a faggot.
His family life is pretty much the same if any of you were sitting there thinking, "I wish Carl would update his blog so that I know how his home life is because I am really very concerned." The tension is still there, and I doubt that is ever going to change, but I'm really trying to get him to "let it go and run" as he always tells me. Somehow, I think it doesn't work quite as well on him as it does on me, but then again, he is still a mystery to me even after all of this time and perhaps what I'm saying does get through.
Other than that, there's not too much going on right now other than what usually does. I mean, when he comes back from Pictured Rocks, then he's got football and two-a-days along with everything else and it makes it even more impossible to see him. Granted, I'll probably just see him more at night ^^
Speaking of which, our most recent rendezvous was amazing. Seriously, it does just keep getting better. I don't think I've ever had quite so much... enjoyment out of it. Not that I don't enjoy it all the time, but this last time was sooo much better.
There is one thing else that I must mention, and I'm sure if I were to be getting direction from him about what to write about here, this would be a top priority. The other day, him and I were at Hull reminiscing about what school was like and the friends we had, and he told me that he feels that no one really tries to keep contact with him and he doesn't know why. He said that he's tried to talk to people and get a hold of them and no one had responded. All of his attempts just seemed to fall through, and it made me sad because I realized that he was somewhat right. We keep in touch with some people and others are drifting apart and not even trying to hide that fact.
So, what I guess I'm trying to say here, is that maybe we should all hang out again. Like, ALL of us. Get everyone we possibly can and go hang out for a day up at the Rec, or somewhere. Have a big party for all I care. In fact, I might just throw one at my house. Either way, it'd be nice to see you all again, and I'm sure Carl wouldn't mind either.
Anyways, it's about 6:30 in the morning because I wanted to be awake for when he was actually gone, so, I'm going to go do something else. For some reason I just don't feel like rotting my brain on a computer today (go figure).
Bis später
As of now he is gone off to pictured rocks and he'll be back next Saturday for any of you who already didn't know.
And if I hadn't already wasted all of his minutes on his phone, *sheepish look,* we could've called him. If he were smart enough to bring his phone in the first place lawlz.
Anyway, the point of this post was because I told him he should update before he leaves, because he hasn't updated in pretty much an entire month, and of course, he didn't get a chance to update himself. Either that or he chooses not to, but, too bad for him.
I can't really remember myself what has all happened these last three weeks, mostly it was a lot of me going back and forth to his house or mine and the usual stuff that happens with that. Of course, Sharon's party happened last week and there was an epic laser tag battle with CB and John and everybody, and some little kid that was annoying as fuck that kept saying, 'PWNAGE,' except for the fact that he was 7 and also a faggot.
His family life is pretty much the same if any of you were sitting there thinking, "I wish Carl would update his blog so that I know how his home life is because I am really very concerned." The tension is still there, and I doubt that is ever going to change, but I'm really trying to get him to "let it go and run" as he always tells me. Somehow, I think it doesn't work quite as well on him as it does on me, but then again, he is still a mystery to me even after all of this time and perhaps what I'm saying does get through.
Other than that, there's not too much going on right now other than what usually does. I mean, when he comes back from Pictured Rocks, then he's got football and two-a-days along with everything else and it makes it even more impossible to see him. Granted, I'll probably just see him more at night ^^
Speaking of which, our most recent rendezvous was amazing. Seriously, it does just keep getting better. I don't think I've ever had quite so much... enjoyment out of it. Not that I don't enjoy it all the time, but this last time was sooo much better.
There is one thing else that I must mention, and I'm sure if I were to be getting direction from him about what to write about here, this would be a top priority. The other day, him and I were at Hull reminiscing about what school was like and the friends we had, and he told me that he feels that no one really tries to keep contact with him and he doesn't know why. He said that he's tried to talk to people and get a hold of them and no one had responded. All of his attempts just seemed to fall through, and it made me sad because I realized that he was somewhat right. We keep in touch with some people and others are drifting apart and not even trying to hide that fact.
So, what I guess I'm trying to say here, is that maybe we should all hang out again. Like, ALL of us. Get everyone we possibly can and go hang out for a day up at the Rec, or somewhere. Have a big party for all I care. In fact, I might just throw one at my house. Either way, it'd be nice to see you all again, and I'm sure Carl wouldn't mind either.
Anyways, it's about 6:30 in the morning because I wanted to be awake for when he was actually gone, so, I'm going to go do something else. For some reason I just don't feel like rotting my brain on a computer today (go figure).
Bis später
Saturday, June 28, 2008
DAMN IT
ok so i have to continue packing and filling out info for camp which i go to tomorow (see you all sunday or whenever)
so this is really quick
i've been feeling like everytime i open my mouth i get my head bitten off. every time i say a sentence commenting on something or saying something another person has to slam me down. I feel like im being used just as the kid everyone can laugh at and make fun of or be harshly honest with.
and i gotta say
it hurts, alot.
so if i ever stop talking or phase out or mumble off it means i realized that if i said another word something mean and hurtful would be said in response, so i dont say anything.
of to fill out more stoooped paypir werc
so this is really quick
i've been feeling like everytime i open my mouth i get my head bitten off. every time i say a sentence commenting on something or saying something another person has to slam me down. I feel like im being used just as the kid everyone can laugh at and make fun of or be harshly honest with.
and i gotta say
it hurts, alot.
so if i ever stop talking or phase out or mumble off it means i realized that if i said another word something mean and hurtful would be said in response, so i dont say anything.
of to fill out more stoooped paypir werc
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
blahh
A man of steel perched on a ledge,
Percariously balanced with a sledge,
Lands a blow of painfully silent echoes,
A snake built of a thousand throe,
Lends in to help the woe,
And together the pain grows,
A rat wiith a mouth of bane,
Breaks again in to my brain,
And spreads it's living death,
And even at the smallest light,
All this pain gives up it's fight,
And lets me take a breath,
hedaches suck assssss
im sorry i didn't help out today much
im sore all over with a headacheall over a a mood that would destroy the berlin wall
must be that time of month xD
see y'all sometime other than the last day of the spree
Percariously balanced with a sledge,
Lands a blow of painfully silent echoes,
A snake built of a thousand throe,
Lends in to help the woe,
And together the pain grows,
A rat wiith a mouth of bane,
Breaks again in to my brain,
And spreads it's living death,
And even at the smallest light,
All this pain gives up it's fight,
And lets me take a breath,
hedaches suck assssss
im sorry i didn't help out today much
im sore all over with a headacheall over a a mood that would destroy the berlin wall
must be that time of month xD
see y'all sometime other than the last day of the spree
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Im so sorry for all the shit ive done
look, im sorry if it seems like im forgetting about you, and im sorry if im making it seem like i cant see it the way you are...
but fact of the matter is the money's already in, i could probably get away with not going maybe one day every two weeks. I'm only really GONE for like 2 weeks and a couple of weekends, the rest is weight training, polevault, and work (possibly).
even still, polevault is from 3-6, that means we have from seven on. and thats only on mondays and wednesdays.
football is 9-11, so i'll see you for all afternoon on fridays.
tuesdays and thursdays are completely open.
and saturdays and sundays vary.
i love you. I dont ever want to lose you. and if i get the job at bates, you can visit me quite often.
that email hurt....
:,[
on a lighter note
:
i carved/filed/widdled a new one, two holes for air! and nice and round and shallow
but fact of the matter is the money's already in, i could probably get away with not going maybe one day every two weeks. I'm only really GONE for like 2 weeks and a couple of weekends, the rest is weight training, polevault, and work (possibly).
even still, polevault is from 3-6, that means we have from seven on. and thats only on mondays and wednesdays.
football is 9-11, so i'll see you for all afternoon on fridays.
tuesdays and thursdays are completely open.
and saturdays and sundays vary.
i love you. I dont ever want to lose you. and if i get the job at bates, you can visit me quite often.
that email hurt....
:,[
on a lighter note
:
i carved/filed/widdled a new one, two holes for air! and nice and round and shallow
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Because you asked
1: I try too much to be funny, I do it too cover up myself. If I can keep people laughing they don't have enough time to think about how fucked up I am and why I do what I do.
2: I am an attention whore. I love and hate the spotlight. The nervousness kills me and I don't want to be found out, but I love being in the spotlight when I can hide behind something.
3: I always have an excuse. I'll not do something or say something just to save my own ass and not give a shit about anyone else.
4: I say I don't care and that other people can fuck off. But really, it hurts me when I am not friends with everyone. It hurts when people tell me they hate me and never give me a reason.
5: I get depressed easily, too easily.
6: I like being depressed, I like that pain in my stomach, I like the extra voice in my head telling me to go kill myself, I like horrifying other people with my stories of the stuff I have done while depressed.
7: I'm too dependent on drugs, sleeping and relaxing with them.
8: I hate my parents I would kill them in an instant.
9: I am all talk.
10: I am terrified of being hit in football.
2: I am an attention whore. I love and hate the spotlight. The nervousness kills me and I don't want to be found out, but I love being in the spotlight when I can hide behind something.
3: I always have an excuse. I'll not do something or say something just to save my own ass and not give a shit about anyone else.
4: I say I don't care and that other people can fuck off. But really, it hurts me when I am not friends with everyone. It hurts when people tell me they hate me and never give me a reason.
5: I get depressed easily, too easily.
6: I like being depressed, I like that pain in my stomach, I like the extra voice in my head telling me to go kill myself, I like horrifying other people with my stories of the stuff I have done while depressed.
7: I'm too dependent on drugs, sleeping and relaxing with them.
8: I hate my parents I would kill them in an instant.
9: I am all talk.
10: I am terrified of being hit in football.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
To cause some sleep and to stop my weep
fukcing a
i just had a post
oh well it deleted it
heres it in short
new pr at 9'
need to work on pre reqs and job application
need to spend more time with andrea
need sleep aids and anti depressents
life sucks
i just had a post
oh well it deleted it
heres it in short
new pr at 9'
need to work on pre reqs and job application
need to spend more time with andrea
need sleep aids and anti depressents
life sucks
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