suicideal tendanciess get us nowhere, hun

bergers paty= amazing fun and fun and fun

but not even b4 we pulled out of the driveway id allready gotten in a fight with my dad.

today i got up at 11 and couldnt stop thinking about andrea and then i read her blog post and i got all worried and shit and i seriously could not stop crying, which i guess is a good thing because i havent cried like that in a while.

i want to cut, i want to die.

i made dinner, got a haircut, it doesnt look too bad, i cleaned up dinner, i got verbally raped by my dad fro having a B in first hour and a C+ in 5th hour, then i went and saw 'lars and the real girl' which is a really good movie and i look foreward to watching it while stoned.

this is my life.

up=bergers
down=before we even pulled out of the driveway
even lower= reading about andrea and not being able to talk to her our hang out with her the rest of break
even lower still= andrea might be switching schools
still lower= getting yelled at for not "reaching my full potential"



I've been noticing a trend lately.
and it hurts, alot.

people yell at me and while they're yelling, they compliment me and then come crashing down with a "well thats too bad..." or a "i think it's wasted..." or etc.

my dad for the first time in my life complimented me to my face and not through someone else, then he proceeded to yell at me because imm not learning anything in haverkate's class.

woot 100th post!

ok

so

it's 7:30 and ive been up for....13.5 hours

i've been working..... 8 of those hours

I've been at church..... 9 of those hours

i could've went over to andrea's house but my mom wouldnt let me

im hoping we dont have school tomorow




we better damn well shouldnt

beh....?

beh im bored of playing civilization 3 so I'm gonna post.

WELL, since my spelling was atrocious in the last blog post, I guess I'll try to improve upon my spelling for these next few posts (and maybe I'll even try complete sentences!).

FRIDAY:
1st hour: apparently I'm "An Insensitive Ass-hole" which according to Sahana, Allison, and Jessica is "a real shame because you're (I am) kind of hot." Allison: No, I'm not OK, I'm fucked up, some of us have to lie to ourselves just to not go on a self hate spree that they fucking triggered anyways. Thanks, girls, you're the best friends anyone could ever ask for.

2nd Hour: suicidal thoughts, depression, no talking, I forget what we did.

3rd Hour: More suicidal thoughts, very little talking, no contribution to class, confused Allison a few times, felt like running away. (Oh, I thought of if I ever feel like blowing my own brains out and i actualy have a gun to do it with, I'm going to do it in that class, just because... IDK why, just because.)

Lunch: Bought pizza,fries, spent 1/3 of the money i was supposed to spend on my brother's/sister's xmas present.

4th Hour: double notes, no time to talk, no time to be depressed.

5th Hour: Notes, notes, notes, and flying rubber bands.

6thHour: Finished painting the silver, only thing left to do is drip effect it.

Came home: Got bitched at until parents left, they stayed out, I stayed in and played Civ3

Today: got up at 9, found out what time party started, took shower, went to morgan's arcadia, played a bunch of video games and 2 rounds of laser tag (I now hold the highest score in the place with 4625 pts) came home, put lights up on tree, now I'm here, wondering if Andrea's gonna read this by tomorrow, cuz if she is... idk, she should call me if she does.

my day

Dear santa,

By now, i'll bet you're sickand tired of all of the boys and girls in the world telling you just how good a kid they are. Well I say Fuck them! If they want to spend their xmas sitting underneath a christmas tree pretending to be happy, that's fine by me.

I on the otherhand wish to invite you to my smashing xmas party in dearborn. There will be mosh pit after moshbit and hooker after hooker at this place, Just bring a tickle me elmo because ELO'S GOT THE BITCH LINED UP.

There amy be some *Questionable content* at this party so we'd like you to sign the attached document releasing us of your blood -er releasing the restraining order -uhh... wasxhing your blood off of our hands.

Sincerely,
The Easter Bunny




lol, off the top of my head

1-6th hours:
beh

henrys house:
Still Buzzed :]

Possibly one of the worst days of my life

wake up late, rush through morning ritual, get to school, figure out andrea's not there, ge sad cuz u were looking foreward to holding her today. Run an errand for the teacher, fail at it, get more right on the quiz than you would have if youd studied. find out u have a B+ in the class. get hw.

go to second hour, listen to presentations/do math hw form yesterday. do ur presentation on 2 minutes of planning and get an unknown grade for it. think about death.

go to third hour. get worried for allison, help her out, talk her in to happiness, "watch" to kill a mockingbird. pass notes, fool around, etc.

go to lunch, buy lunch, do nothing.

go to 4th hour, take notes, get frustrated when the idiot next to you asks you for every single answere and you're such an idiot you give them to her even though she's going to call you an idiot tomorow.

Go to 5th hour, have no clue what they're talking about, get 80% on the hw, take notes, get a shitload of hw.

go to 6th hour, cheat on test, do very lttle work on piece, end school day.

go to berger's house, chill, play on drums, play xbox live, enter whats his name, be awkward for 1/2 and hour, be cool, chill again.

go home (5:30) get into 2 fights w/mom in the 10 minute drive home, stop by andrea's house, no one home, sorry for wanting to look in on you and see if you were ok? come home, eat dinner, go to church, come home here i am.


weekend plans: tomorow: go buy tree, rearrange furniture, hw, anyone call me to hang out

sunday: 11 am mass, then the rest of the day is taken up with religious shit my mom's forcing me to go to.

go figure. this weekend will be shitty, last weekend was shitty, and the weekend before that was shitty, hmmm... im begining to notice a pattern, and my family wonders why i hate the holidays...


i havent seen andrea outside of school in the daytime in: 27 days
I havent hung out with anyone besides berger in: 27 days

Use it, take it with you

I definantly just got possibly the most hilarious talk from my dad

the "Use a rubber, take it with you" talk

god that was funny

i was like:

"uhh... I already knew that...."

dad: *looks at me suspiciously*

me: "Ima go eat now"




other than that, a pretty uneventful day,
1st: made a slightly disturbing script
2nd: did nothing rly, drug search busted someone whos locker is right next to our classroom in C hall
3rd: listened to speaches
4th: took notes
5th: went over hw, took notes
6th: continued painting!

got home, went on comp

the weekend bleeds of misery and sleepless nights

wow, that was a rather poetic title...

ok so obv. i was feeling a bit suicidal friday, idk why. i got over it anyways.

friday night went to camp with the boyscouts, but not after completely rearanging the place where we keep all of our stuff. went to the camp, got there 30 mins early, moved cots/beds (had to fit 74 people in to a 65 person cabin). everyone else arrived, set up camp/cots. ended up getting a cot next to guy who snores loudest in out troop (bear). got like 3 hours of sleep due to constantly taling younger scouts, 3 people yelled at them but they still wouldnt shut up.

saturday (spent all day trying to keep the new kids under control) i got up at 7, went to breakfast, heater was broken, wore coats while eating, assembled catapuklt that consumed all of last week, got it mostly assembled. went to lunch, served lunch, ate last, heater still broken. Went back to finish up on catapult, catapult didnt fire forwards, it fired backwards, spent 2 hours fixing that problem, finally fixed it, it fires about 70 ft. catapult broke, spent an hour fixing that, finished. went in the cabin, took a 30 minute nap, went to mass at the broken heater building, served dinner, ate last, cleaned up the entire fucking place and organized the younger boys in the kitchen, kept having to supervize them cuz they kept cutting corners that couldnt be cut (i think its pretty simple to sweep dirt in to a dustpan, agreed?). took 2 hours to clean, its 900 now, watched click (adam sandler), walked back at 11:30 about 1 mile in the woods with snow on the ground going down steps without a flashlight (=spass!). got about 4 hours of sleep due to younger boy problems again, and three dads in our wing snoring in a trio.

sunday: got up at 7, packed up stuff, ate breakfast, put stuff in to cars, watched as others swept, the mopped the whole cabing by myself (no joke) while everyone else was outside having a snowball fight. by the time i was done and everything was organized, we only had 20 minutes until we left so i didnt partake in possibly the only snowball fight of the year. didnt talk at all on ride home, stared out window unfocused. got back to st.mikes, unloaded trailer, reorganized room (again) put everything away, mom drove by and then parked in the FUCKING FARTHEST PARKING SPOT AVAILABLE so it took 20 mins to find her, had her drive up so i could move my stuff in to her car, drove off. got home, andrea wasnt, she was at a movie, which i really wouldve liked to go to, but i wasnt home yet. spent all day half awake on the sofa thinking about how shitty the weekend was.

today:
1st hour: review game (woot! 10 extra credit points!)
2nd hour: spent whole time talking to gabby about how i havent done anything involving drugs in a while
3rd hour: phased out whole time, came up with a tee shirt idea, dropped little pieces of paper on allison's head whole time whenever kaiser lloked away (xD)
4th hour: HYPER!! spent time filling out a wksheet and jumping between groups, talking with josh about teri, let everyone copy my work and let josh copy my math hw
5th hour: finished with test 30 mins early, did 3rd hour hw and did 1/3 of late biology hw
6th hour: wait wait wait.... we actually did work in this class <:[ we have a test on the "7 and 7" the basic artistic techniques thursday and today was the first day he's introduced this to us. I was like "wtf?!?!?! i wanted to start painting today!"

thank you sooooo much nat, i dont know what moood id bee in today if you hadnt talked to me yesterday, btw, it wasnt random because i was thinking that the only reason my brother isnt getting yelled at constantly now like he was b4 is cuz my parents have given up on him.

and now ive been home for a while, hoping someone will call wanting to hang out since im now officially ungrounded

Heroes is on tonight!