the weekend bleeds of misery and sleepless nights

wow, that was a rather poetic title...

ok so obv. i was feeling a bit suicidal friday, idk why. i got over it anyways.

friday night went to camp with the boyscouts, but not after completely rearanging the place where we keep all of our stuff. went to the camp, got there 30 mins early, moved cots/beds (had to fit 74 people in to a 65 person cabin). everyone else arrived, set up camp/cots. ended up getting a cot next to guy who snores loudest in out troop (bear). got like 3 hours of sleep due to constantly taling younger scouts, 3 people yelled at them but they still wouldnt shut up.

saturday (spent all day trying to keep the new kids under control) i got up at 7, went to breakfast, heater was broken, wore coats while eating, assembled catapuklt that consumed all of last week, got it mostly assembled. went to lunch, served lunch, ate last, heater still broken. Went back to finish up on catapult, catapult didnt fire forwards, it fired backwards, spent 2 hours fixing that problem, finally fixed it, it fires about 70 ft. catapult broke, spent an hour fixing that, finished. went in the cabin, took a 30 minute nap, went to mass at the broken heater building, served dinner, ate last, cleaned up the entire fucking place and organized the younger boys in the kitchen, kept having to supervize them cuz they kept cutting corners that couldnt be cut (i think its pretty simple to sweep dirt in to a dustpan, agreed?). took 2 hours to clean, its 900 now, watched click (adam sandler), walked back at 11:30 about 1 mile in the woods with snow on the ground going down steps without a flashlight (=spass!). got about 4 hours of sleep due to younger boy problems again, and three dads in our wing snoring in a trio.

sunday: got up at 7, packed up stuff, ate breakfast, put stuff in to cars, watched as others swept, the mopped the whole cabing by myself (no joke) while everyone else was outside having a snowball fight. by the time i was done and everything was organized, we only had 20 minutes until we left so i didnt partake in possibly the only snowball fight of the year. didnt talk at all on ride home, stared out window unfocused. got back to st.mikes, unloaded trailer, reorganized room (again) put everything away, mom drove by and then parked in the FUCKING FARTHEST PARKING SPOT AVAILABLE so it took 20 mins to find her, had her drive up so i could move my stuff in to her car, drove off. got home, andrea wasnt, she was at a movie, which i really wouldve liked to go to, but i wasnt home yet. spent all day half awake on the sofa thinking about how shitty the weekend was.

today:
1st hour: review game (woot! 10 extra credit points!)
2nd hour: spent whole time talking to gabby about how i havent done anything involving drugs in a while
3rd hour: phased out whole time, came up with a tee shirt idea, dropped little pieces of paper on allison's head whole time whenever kaiser lloked away (xD)
4th hour: HYPER!! spent time filling out a wksheet and jumping between groups, talking with josh about teri, let everyone copy my work and let josh copy my math hw
5th hour: finished with test 30 mins early, did 3rd hour hw and did 1/3 of late biology hw
6th hour: wait wait wait.... we actually did work in this class <:[ we have a test on the "7 and 7" the basic artistic techniques thursday and today was the first day he's introduced this to us. I was like "wtf?!?!?! i wanted to start painting today!"

thank you sooooo much nat, i dont know what moood id bee in today if you hadnt talked to me yesterday, btw, it wasnt random because i was thinking that the only reason my brother isnt getting yelled at constantly now like he was b4 is cuz my parents have given up on him.

and now ive been home for a while, hoping someone will call wanting to hang out since im now officially ungrounded

Heroes is on tonight!

I dont know... who i am anymore

i dont know...

i feel like i havent been myself lately, like ive been more of an asshole and i havent been making people as happy as normal. i feel... numb, like usual. but i dont feel like me. i cant even promise andrea i won't cut this weekend. I just... dropped in IQ or something cuz everything's confusing me now...

why do i care? idk why... why do i try? is it because im scared? scared of falling? scared of failing? scared of losing... my mind is a social phobia in it of itself.

CARL YOUR SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT DONT GO DOWN THAT PATH
repated in my head over and over.

do those words mean anything to me?
no

CARL DONT THREATEN TO KILL YOURSELF

heard in my head sounds likes "just do it allready"

CARL DONT CUT

"carl, we care about you, not that you'll ever believe that"




do i have more than one personality? probably.
they know of each other, they agree to certain things, but they are almost completely different.

the asshole me that gets me into this situation and the me that reacts when things come crashing down like usual.

the me that knows what to do, and the me that acts.




suicide isnt the answer,
but it's part of the equation

what the hell

well

let me describe my weekend so far.

thursday: went to kalamazoo, got bitched at silently throughout the whole day, never slept.
friday: built the frame of a catapult, got sand/sawdust/raw metal in my eyes
satruday: see friday, got 7 hours of sleep, andrea... why are we allways arguing in my eyes?
today: did homework, went to church, see friday

my dad is slightly drunk right now, my moms being a bitch as allways, my aunt was kicked out of her house, my brothers girlfriends grandma died, my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled, gabbys gramma died, andrea got ungrounded, im going insane.

what the hell do i want for xmas?

who gives a shit?
not like id get anything anyways.
i dont even know if ill be alive then.

if life keeps going the way it has been, i wont be.








i want to go out, get high, get drunk as hell, puke my guts out and blow my head off.




or maybe just that last part.

what the fuck?

im not sure what to take this as

Nicole: "you know carl, you'd make for a very pretty girl"

wtf?!?!?

anyone wanna help me with that?

oh and my parents are being their usual asshole selfs

dont worry, ill worry for you

Want to find out if my arm still bleeds?

andrea.

please, please take those pictures off of your myspace.

seriously, thats one of those 'stupid' things to do with your myspace.

and really, it makes me feel worthless. i had to work to get to even get in your pants, and now ur taking them and your shirt off for random starngers? what the hell? thanks, makes me feel valuable and worth something.

i just hope you dont get in trouble for those... or maybe i do hope u get in trouble to learn your lesson? i dont know. i know this sounds shallow, but seriously this scares me shitless, i feel like i dont know you anymore, like you arent mine anymore. i dont know.

Because days, come and go, but my feelings for you are forever.

But they may fade,
If you keep on dancing this charade,

And letting that imposter in your skin

a few things

ok so im grounded till the end of the month, but i can still use the phone and the comp.

my cell is off cuz im out of minutes.

im learning the guitar w/o having one, its actually quite easy.

i cut monday night and tuesday night.

my moms told me she wants to kill me.

i want to kiss andrea and hold her so much, i havent seen her outside of school in a week.

i dont think ill make it through the month.

i miss percussion and band... i was definantly jamming out in the kitchen the other day.

if i dont get out of the house... idk what im going to do.

Andrea

Stop Smoking, please, please

pretty please?