you can have it all, my empire of dirt

god... im so fucked up lately.

"seriously, you look like youre about to go home and kill yourself everyday"

ive had to fight tears/cutting so many times this weeks its not even funny

i think i love school. i love it because while my mind is being swept away in to the abyss of no return that teachers like to call homework, my mind cant focus on the things that are fucking me up.

my dad threw out his back at my football game last thursday so he was a hassle until he left 2 hours ago to go to kalamazoo because my grandpa is having major back surgery there... where my grandpa has a 50/50 chance of living.

my mom has been a bitch like allways. sunday, the first day i got to sleep in in the past two weeks, i was woken up by her pounding on my door, storming in and her yelling at me to get dressed and do yardwork.

i did a 5 person job that woiuld take the whole after noon in about 3 hours.
then i worked out.
then i went to boyscouts,
then i went with andrea to this haunted hayride thing that didnt rly work out

ive been TRYING SO FUCKING HARD to write.
but nothings realy is coming, my mind cant focus, its almost as if i dont want to focus, idk, maybe i think that if i focus to much, ill end up cutting again, cuz right now, nothing in my life is 100% enjoyment. but hey, i guess no pain no gain?

lately ive been feeling as if im strecthing myself too far, ive been trying to give atleast 80% at everything and its starting to show, im stressed, i dont sleep, ive given up talking to my family, but the worst thing is, i feel that ive been giving everything, and recieving practically nothing back, its like feeding a fire, yoiu can throw in your most valuable possesions and no matter what, you only get smoke back.

my hands are raw from lifting weights.

i can jump like the shit now.

but not that it really matter because im never gonna get the ball ever again.

andreas thinking that she tries to hard... but im not really feeling that shes trying at all...

wow, ive been writing for 1/2 an hour

ive taken vikodin twice in the past 2 weeks and i still am not sure what it does for me, i still felt it when my nail was crushed, whatev

the girl who stated the previously stated quote offered to give me a blunt but i didnt fully hear her so i was like "eh, maybe"

my brother used my mom and dads credit cards, stole even more money form them.

my sister is stressed because shes got this huge physics project due, and my mom is pressuring her about college applications.

and here i am, sitting here with stress from football, working out, school, andrea, tam and harp, trying to do my best, boyscouts, transportation, etc. i hardly have any time for my fucking self anymore, and that time, is spent lying awake at night waiting for either the tears or the dreamless sleep.

"back when i was younger, i was someone you'd've liked"

this might be a big one

ok so heres things as they com to my head

won the game, didnt carry the ball at all, no tackles, no catches, some nice ass blocks

was going to sneak out last night, slept through alarm, woke up late, weird dream, went to school

meap testing sucked

psychologist sucked

moms still a bitch

my grandpas major surgery is happening next tuesday

Saturday im going to ford field to watch st.edith play

varsity football game tomorow

andrea got away with skipping school

im sneaking out again tonight

no really, i am

thinking about satin thing and how i know nothing about it

felt like slitting my wrists yesterday after practice as a final sort of "fuck you" to my coach

my fingernail is due to fall off within the next week

football is now officialy over, weight training can now begin

tgift

i was talking with kate costello today, and she wzs like "wow, youve changed" and in my eyes i havent really changed all that much... howve i changed? someone who knows kate please ask that ok?

my dads back was thrown out today at my game so... its gonna be an interesting weekend

my mom is still as much of a bitch as ever

my brother stole 200$ from my dad and had he been home at that time, he wouldve been kicked out, but he was lucky and hes still with us.

im totally not ready to go out tonight

oh well

ill get ready somehow

i g2g now

peace

ok

ok so im not gonna lie

right now i pretty much feel like killing myself

i feel like crying until i cry no more

i feel lke gouging my eyes out

i feel like slicing myself open

ifeel like... numb

i dont feel any physical pain right now, i miss it, i want it back, GIVE IT BACK

where is it? is it where i left it? where did i leave it?where the fuck did it go? I WANT IT BACK

i want... someone to be here to hug me right now and my mom to be on her knees with a knfe in my hand ready to fucking slice her fucking son of a bitch fucken head off.

i miss the razors...




oh wait, i still have some.

since everyone else has been naming things 'homecoming' lately

so yeah, its like 8:20 and im supposed to go to church in like 10 mins so this may sound rushed.

went to katies house, kinda hung out there a while, didnt do much, went to red robin, saw a few people we knew, ate dinner, left, went to churchill, were first ones to walk in door, checked coats, chilled at entrence way blocking traffic :]. met up with quite a few people went into gym to dance, hung out in back w/tom and them, danced a bit, raped a few people, made a few trips back and forth between punch and gym, jumped around, wasted energy, party over :[, went to lizzi's house, "purpled", party over again:[, went to my house, got yelled at for it being 1 am when suposidly i said that id be home within the hour WHEN I KNOW I SAID FUCKING "AT 1 AM" AND MY BROTHER EVEN REPEATED IT TO ME AND THEN TOLD ME WE WERE HAVING 11AM MASS TODAY!!!!!, went to bed, woke up, was pissed cuz i only got like 6 hours of sleep, washed dye out of hair, ate breakfast, went on computer.

warm and fuzzy

ok so, last night i went over to andrea's house and met kenny and etc etc.

and we traded sweaters/hoodies/coats whatchamacallits.

and i fell asleep with her purple and black striped hoodie on

and i woke up in the middleof the night cuz i was having a nightmare

and then i just smelled her smell on her jacket and i felt all confortable again... and then i fell asleep again.

:] thanks andrea.

tired

homecoming in a week.. heres my outfit:

-black shoes
-black socks
-black pants
-black belt w/silver buckle
-black long sleeve stiff collar shirt
-red tie thats either solid red or kinda holographic red/black, andrea'll pick
-black hair dye for the day

so yeah... i didnt bring my biology book home so i couldnt do the hw thats due tomorow... oh well

lalala im bored

im wondering if andrea wants a corssage or something

:]

im happy, satisfied, and tired.

today was a good day.

thank you andrea :]

even though my balls still hurt....