I pass the time at work until I can go home. I pas the time at home until I can go to work.

Wow

Ok, so I guess it's been over a year since I last posted. Wow

Also; I'm typing his on my iPod.

I'm tired. Very very tired. I'm sick of everyone bitching about their lives, their pains, their problems. I'm tired of sleeping without rest.

I also hurt a lot; my knee, shins, ankle, elbow, and shoulder all have soft tissue damage beyond soreness and well into bruising.
I stage home and iced my injuries during 2nd, 3rd, and 4th hour today, then went back to school to accomplish very little. (on a side note the whereat institute seems to be calling me a lot since the presentation in 5th hours, like everyday) I then went to practice where I did 3 lefts with little success, then I went to shed drills, and then I iced. Vern then proceeded to get mad at me and Alex r. For icing without talking to him, so I ran the whole workout, which included 12 50-yard accelerations followed by 50-yards sprints, 3 20-yard sprints, 3 50-yard sprints, and a lap around the field. Then we reorganized the shed and cleaned up. Then we went home. Fuck that was painful.

Also, as a track note, i feel like he fact that I won 2nd in two jumpin events, and qualifying for states in one of them, has been overshadowed by our teams massive loss. People were more concerned with our distance, hurdlers, and sprinters sucking than with the fact that the pole vault squad had 6 personal bests. Again, also, I feel like none of the other captains respect me. They choose an athlete of the meet without me even after I bad gone around and gotten everyone to agree on a captains meeting after the meet. They don't listen to what I say, they don't even really pretend to be paying attention. I'm doing my best to achieve communication and it seems like everyone's just ignoring it, or using it to achieve something for themselves.

Am I becoming paranoid?

I'm beginning to hate waking up, I need a dream.

so there's one week left until outdoor season starts

which means a month of conditioning and pole drops

:/


my aunt came over right after I got home from school today, i was the only one home and had a headache so I really didn't want her there. Looking back on it, I should have never opened the door.

I'm tired

and I have a headache still

I don't think staring at my computer screen helps at all, but what else am I going to do?

My aunt is currently sleeping on the sofa opposite me so I can't watch TV

And I truly don't feel like doing work or conversing or such







I hate to say it but I really can't wait for my mom to get home and tell her sister to go home.

i feel fat

and dumb

and bruised

and numb

and I'm sorry I can't make you feel better








How do you tell the one you love that you get random urges to just make a shotgun and paint the walls in your bedroom with blood?


I'm sorry, I shouldn't've said that.

I suppose I could erase it but I feel like this is what my life is becoming here, alone.


And when I call you your upset, you aren't in any state to console, so I do the work.

Maybe one of us can be happy

I think to myself while I listen to you cry






I know it sure as hell can't be me

I'm so sorry






I miss you a lot.






In other news, for those of you not in the loop, I'm grounded until April 11th.
No cellphone
No computer w/o permission
No door
No truck/car
No license
No drugs
No seeing Andrea outside of once a week while supervised by both of my parents while at my house




I really miss you

I get the feeling I'll be doing a lot of that.

I'm so lonely

When people recognize me in the hallways it startles me.

I need money.

I need people to hang out with so when you ask me what I did to say I can have something more than "nothing."




I love you,


Maybe I'll see you today

She don't use buuter, she don't use cheese, she doesn't use, anything; she uses vaseline

I need someone to tell me what I'm doing is ok,
That I'm not fucking everything up,
That it's not my fault,
That there'll always be someone,
That if I died today it would actually have an impact,


that what I'm seeing, feeling, thinking, is actually reality.

We run on the fumes of injustice, we'll never die with the fuel that you give us

My parents filled my tank :]

I can drive to school this week!

I got the new used album (thank you, love!)

My Eagle prject is really going to be balls out now, the deadline is hopefully the 2nd monday in november. I'm going to need a lot of help with physical labor, it's not hard, just long. (The longest part will be sanding).

We're making 100 of these (out of pine, not oak)



88 of them will be unfinished, so the families that are doing homeschooling for Catechism due to scheduling conflicts/special needs can decorate them. 12 will be finished for classrooms within St. Kenneth's social hall.

I've got to get a presentation of money/time/hours/safety/etc. by a week from tomorrow, then start working on it the week after that.

I'm estimating 3-4 days for making the 88 unfinished ones (one day for cutting out the basic template, one for rounding and sanding, and another 2 for any extra things we have to do) they're the only ones with a deadline (the 2nd monday in novemeber), the other 12 can be done whenever.

I have to get costs and somehow do a fundraiser for it. I'll probably just ask to go up to the alter in church and beg for money like all the priests I hate. But mine really is all volunteer work.

I'll need at least 2 router tables, I have one, does anyone out there know anyone else who would let me borrow it for 2 Saturdays in October?


If you're interested, please let me know. All volunteer work is appreciated!

[he] said I don't hate you, but I just want to save you, while there's still something left to save

I really have changed since I stopped smoking alone.
and started working out three times a week.
and started going to school.
even if I fail at impromptus.

but that's fine.

And I've gotten Nate to stop smoking alone as much as he was.

I agree with you now, it is kind of pathetic.

I think everyone who has ever done it can agree.

It should be social.






He's opening up to me probably more than he has to anyone since his friend Charlie.

Life is going interestingly.




(oh and we got a German assignment to pick and describe our favorite child's toy from our childhood. Over the summer I cleared out my room of my child toys, I don't even remember what I had But I kept the Hodag :D)


for more on hodags:

http://www.hodagpress.com/about.htm

Prison dehydrates me


Would anyone read a book that's told through an inmate's blog?

What would the comments say?

Think of how flexible and unused that entire section of literature is untouched.

And you wouldn't necessarily hear everything that goes on in the prison/in his/her life, just the things that s/he is allowed to write about or wants to write about.

So many different possible story arcs.

I wish I had concentration, I'd be filthy rich.

I let everyone down.

Summer is over.

I still have 125 pages of wuthering heights to read.

I feel like shit for yesterday.




There is no way you cold ever tell me that not getting online wasn't my fault. I wasn't thinking.


I'm really, truly sorry and I won't let it ever happen again. I'm sorry that it even happened once.

I'll wait for you to get online, maybe you slept better than I did.

Jimmy Says It's Better Than Air

This will play out interestingly

If Andrea's mom decides to call my parents, my parents' reactions will be interesting.

I imagine my dad would ground me and keep my mom from doing anything too bad. I'd probably lose my phone and the car for a while (until indoor season probably). No doubt they'd try and do something with my bong/bubbler(if they are told about it). Maybe I'd be forced to go to therapy again, but I think I'd be able to talk myself out of it, the whole "I'm a teenager" thing.

So to counteract that, I'm going to fin someone's house to stash my bong at and hide my bubbler somewhere absurdly hard to reach along with all of my other paraphernalia.

Here's my defence:
My grades haven't changed,
It relieves stress
It helps me after a workout
It helps me sleep
It's social
It's not nearly as bad as drinking
I don't smoke tobacco
I'm still working out
I've never been retarded enough to be caught
I've never brought weed to school
I've never smoked just to smoke (smoke socially)
I haven't gotten in trouble at school since 6th grade, so obviously it hasn't made me into a monster
I don't deal
I don't save money to buy it (I'm an opportunist stoner)
I don't normally plan on doing it
I'm not relying on it
I don't drive on it
I keep everyone within normalcy
At least it's not crack :D


Alternatively, she may choose not to tell my parents and hold it above our heads,

which would be interesting, and mark that she understands her own limits

If she asks me why she shouldn't tell my parents;

I don't deal
I don't endanger anyone else when I'm high
It's really none of her business telling my parents because the only thing she knows is that I have received a bong from Andrea, everything else could be word of mouth
I'll tell them when I'm ready
If she doesn't want me to, I will not smoke with Andrea,
I'm not her kid; not her problem
I didn't get her daughter to smoke first
We are opportunists
Taking things away from her daughter is only going to make her want to cut or do drugs more, not make her want to be an angel,
She has no idea what's going on in my family's life and telling them of this could be absolutely devastating to my family
I don't expect things to ever be the same between me and anyone in her family


If worse comes to worst, she can search me everythime I enter her house :p

i dreamed last night.

People talked to me.

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.

Man was made to build or destroy.

One or the other.

I built myself up and then i proceeded to tear myself down.

You got in the way of my complete destruction (where I've stalled out for the past 2 years).

I honestly don't know if I'd be better or worse off if we broke up (not saying that we should).

I try not to think about it.

I couldn't wait, 'til I got home, to spend the time in my room alone

It seems to me that my mind is falling into a routine. I'll wake up around 10, eat a small breakfast, be generally frustrated with whatever I'm doing, eat lunch, continue frustration, overcome frustration, be happy, eat dinner, be sad. Then I'm generally depressed until I go to be where I roll around for hours on end until my mind decides to stop hating itself enough to let me fall into an uncomfortable sleep.

Why do I hate myself?
Why do I avoid being myself at all costs?
Why does it seem like I'd be willing to do anything to be someone else?

Anyways, I'm in the depressed category right now and it seems to be getting more and more serious. When I get depressed it isn't just a "oh, I don't feel like doing anything" depression, it's normally a "I'm not going to do anyhting but if somehting happens around me it'll generally send me into a downward spiral until I eventually think about suicide in a very, VERY casual manner" depression.

I scare myself. Some days it seems all but certain that in the end, I'm going to take my own life, whereas other times (sometimes it's a matter of minutes, hours, or days) I feel like I'm untouchable.

When I get high, especially alone, I can actually feel the pleasure center of my brain ignite. It starts of as like a yawn, but it rocks back in my brain into an almost shudder and when it's over, I feel fine.

Today I felt my pleasure center open for about 20 minutes without any stimulation at all, but then I fell right back into depression.

I think I need antidepressants. Or anti-anxiety. Or just plain anything to stop making me hate myself.

It's crazy, my emotions, they'll tell me to write something one second, and by the time i have the pen and paper, my creativity is gone so I get depressed again.










I'm so goddamn lonely here.
And I'm so goddamn tired.
And I'm so goddamn stressed.
And it seems like it'll never end.
(Especially now that school is approaching)






p.s:

Summer,

Where did you go?

in the back seat naked of a new Volkswagen the perfect little gift for high school graduation.

My car is clean!
And filled with fluids.


Tomorrow I head off to beach vault :]
My mom said I can go with Andrea on vacation :]
I've almost got a full six pack :]


Oh, and I've got notes for you, love, don't let me forget! :]


Life is good



(three nights in a row now I couldn't fall asleep because I kept waking up and thinking about how much I love you)

He's the most Pathetic thing I have ever seen

It was a preacher,
The man of the masses of God,
He begged for money,
He begged for love,
He told us to be worthless,


basically he said that we should give him and the church all of our worldly possessions because other people need it more than we do. then he told us about how he gives to THREE different charities (all of which are self-suportive and CATHOLIIC AND NOT IN NEED). Then he read us a few passages which said give, give GIVE!" Then he told us about the starving people in haiti. then heasked for our money. then he told us god saves all who gives. then he gave us instructions on how to give to his charity. then he told us it was a good investment. then he told us giving money to the church is better than buying food that you need with that same money. then he told us how he swore an oath of poverty. then he asked for our money.


My thoughts:
his dad was wealthy and powerful
he didnt get enough hugs
he joined preisthood
lost his inheritence
he begs for money



ta-da!

Far away for far too long

i started fantasizing about you...


it was nice ^.^


(see you soon, love)

last night was the most fun i've had in a while.


we all (besides my sister) broke out the booze and watched the internationalist, it's a rather anticlimactic movie with a giant hole for an ending.

then we talked for like 2 hours about random stuff and shared stories, etc.

eventually we ended up talking about polevaulting and other track sports.

I woke up today and no hangover to :]

life would be good if my parents weren't gonna be here in like an hour.